Monday, January 10, 2011

Filmdrunk Callback-Top Ten Green Hornet Villains

After finding that cover art from above, the only thing in this world more difficult than imagining bizarre Green Hornet villains that haven't already been taken is basically figuring out Cold Fusion. Well, it didn't stop us Filmdrunkards from trying! Dor sho gha!

Top Ten Pretend Green Hornet Villains With Idiosyncrasies And The Thespians That Portray Them!

  1. Dingus says:

    An elitist sycophant who feeds on the Haitian dead. Played by Sean Penn, naturally.

  2. Crapbasket says:

    Karaoke championship loser who pulls out her tongue and yells, “haaaaaahhp! Baaaaahhhh!” at children, as played by Lilly Tomlin.

  3. Patty Boots says:

    Bitchy, spoiled heiress with radioactive yellow hair who buys up the world’s puppy supply just so she can kick them all.

    Played by Katherine Heigl, naturally.

  4. Eibmoz says:

    Crazy couple who strangles using belts but makes it look like an accident: The Quaids.

  5. ThereAreNoTeams says:

    Toothy, midget dwarf, psuedo-religious nut, who exerts influence and power over Hollywood seemingly magically and with no justification, played by Tom Cruise.

    Ohhhh reality, you truly are stranger than fiction.

  6. Dingus says:

    A gay man and his beard. Played by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, naturally.

  7. Patty Boots says:

    A tough, rage-filled, totally not stereotypical Latina who communicates solely through yelling and is the scourge of libraries everywhere, as played by Michelle Rodriguez.

  8. Crapbasket says:

    Crackhead male nurse who kills elderly patients for their hard candies played by Luke Wilson.

  9. ThereAreNoTeams says:

    Jamaican rudeboy gang-banger who speaks with a Canadian accent and uses his multicolored bus of death to run down medical marijuana store owners played by Dustin Hoffman in dreadlocks.

  10. Dick Buttkus says:

    I’d want to kill Seagal with a microwave if he broke out some “Me Want Da Poonani.”

Guy'cha! What does that last one even mean?

Movie Review - Cop Out

When I first saw trailers and preview for Cop Out, I was legitimately enthusiastic. I am one of the seemingly few people in America that is underexposed to Tracy Morgan, and I figured pairing him up with Bruce Willis for a cop comedy would be a pretty solid venture. Well, for the most part I was essentially correct. Morgan and Willis work really great together, but they have a tall hill to climb in all of the bullshit going on around them.

The biggest black hole they have to climb out of is the story. After a drug sting gone bad, Willis and Morgan get suspended without pay. Oh no! This is supposed to be terrible for the Willis character because he needs the money for his daughter's fancy wedding. Only to have it turn out that the wedding would cost WAAAAY more than any cop earns in a month ($50 grand), so instead he has to sell his collector baseball card, but he gets robbed by parkour robbers that sell it to a drug lord that is obsessed with baseball.

This is just one case of a plot element being totally fizzled out by a later development. I mean, why suspend these guys without pay if the cop was never going to be able to afford it on his paycheck anyway? It's like later in the movie when Morgan and Willis bail out the parkour robber to break in and steal back the baseball card, but he falls and is incapacitated on the way in, so the two of them end up breaking in by themselves any way. You just keep finding yourself asking, "Why bother? What was the point?"

Even though there are legitimately funny and entertaining parts sprinkled throughout the entire movie, I personally had a hard time reconciling the characters actions with the story (or maybe vice versa). I realize it's hip to be convoluted these days, but your story shouldn't be such a damn mess that your stars can't shine through it.

I will rate this movie as follows:

BONG!! with two exclamation points: You could go see this yIntagh movie, or you can stay home and watch Conan the Barbarian on DVD whilst slapping the salami.

I Am Not A Seahawks Fan

But I will be sorely damned if this awesome vid doesn't go on my blog.

Video courtesy of KSK.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Kahless Is NOT Disappoint

Short version of this story, the best father in the world caught his nephew acting tough on Facebook (apparently misleading some to believe he was a gang banger...or something). Well, Uncle Kahless don't settle for that shit, makes that kid admit he was lying, and beats his ass for everyone to see.

Kahless is not disappoint.

Jenny McCarthy Can Bite My Crank

...but she will blow me first.

For those not familiar with Jenny McCarthy and her retarded crusade against vaccines, read up here. Summary: She thinks a measles vaccine gave her son autism and because she showed her pussy in Playboy her opinion is somehow valid, so she advocates to parents world wide not to vaccinate their children.


Well, study after scientific study hasn't been able to turn up any conclusive evidence for these claims, and now the main study linking the vaccines to autism in the first place has been deemed a fraud.

Go die in a fire, you ignorant fucking cunt. Take Oprah's dumb ass with you for putting your bullshit on tv, too.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Huck Finn To Be "Edited"?

If you took a snapshot of the part of my soul that is connected to my intellect, it would look something like a tired, beaten old man...near death and crying. However, this old man would also have a gigantic smile on his face, a school bus filled with terrified children, and his finger on the trigger of a bomb big enough to put California into the ocean.

Yahoo! reports that:

"NewSouth Books plans to release a version of "Huck Finn" that cuts the "n" word and replaces it with "slave." The slur "injun," referring to Native Americans, will also be replaced."

(Even the cowards at Yahoo! are too chickenshit to say "nigger", even when it is in context and meaningful.)

Here is the rationale:

"The idea of a more politically correct Finn came to the 69-year-old English professor over years of teaching and outreach, during which he habitually replaced the word with "slave" when reading aloud. Gribben grew up without ever hearing the "n" word ("My mother said it's only useful to identify [those who use it as] the wrong kind of people") and became increasingly aware of its jarring effect as he moved South and started a family. "My daughter went to a magnet school and one of her best friends was an African-American girl. She loathed the book, could barely read it.""

(Again with the chickenshit term "n-word". The word is "nigger", no matter how much anyone hates it.)

White guilt and political correctness, about the only thing on Earth more fucking retarded than fundamental Christianity. America (particularly NewSouth Books and and "Professor Gribben" [his PhD has to be in FAIL]), Kahless is disappoint. And I am mad as fucking hell. This is an intellectual disgrace.