Thursday, August 7, 2014

The Soronprfbs - "I Love You All" (lyrics)

Here are Michael Fassbender and The Soronprfbs performing their hit single, "I Love You All" on The Colbert Report (8/6/2014). I transcribed the lyrics because I am awesome.


El Madrid it's nice to see you
It's really nice to be here
I love you all

Stale beer, fat cow poked
Sequined mountain ladies
I love you all

Put your arms arms around me
Fidgety digits itchy britches
I love you all

The washrooms smell, they could be cleaner
Stench of cigarettes and stale urea
I love you all

The prodigal son returns
Where the dogs play pool
I love you all

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Pizza Raping Laughter

Since it has been a while that I last reminded me how much I hate myself , in the vain hope it might entertain others, I shall recount three short tales of various incidences/interactions with females that have always stayed with me to cherish and delight myself with for all my years thus far.

*****

Chapter I - The Pizza Man In The Frat House

The summer before I went off to college I worked delivering pizzas to make some money. I was single and too young to really be hard into the party scene, so I worked a lot of Friday and Saturday nights. Even during the summer we would get busy, and there were enough students that stayed in town that we got our calls.

I wanna say it was approaching midnight one Saturday night. Shit had pretty much settled down and we would be closing soon. All the other drivers had gone home, and I was cleaning dishes. We get a call and a few minutes later the manager on shift came back to tell me a pepperoni pizza would be coming out soon to go to frat house ABC (I have no recollection at all which fraternity it was.)

Sure enough, I was on my way in prompt order. The frat houses were so close I couldn't even finish half of a cigarette before I got there. The stupid fuck hadn't left any outside lights on, but I was adept at scouting out pizza customers and the doors that lead to them.

I knocked on the door and some dude answered. He said the guy that ordered the pizza was just in the next room. Fine. I go in and there are like five guys and three girls hanging out, pretty "partied up" (although it was almost dead silent in the house). The guy that looked the oldest pulled out ten bucks and told me to keep the change.

As I thanked him and was about to say my goodbyes, the same guy interrupts me and indicates that one of the girls had a tip for me too. I found it a little odd, but I entertained the notion. One of the girls started approaching me, a pretty enough girl with dark champagne blonde hair. When she got close enough to me I could see she was clearly drunk, and most likely high out of her mind.

She suddenly closes in on me and embraced me rather tight. I looked at her speechlessly, and she gave me a small kiss. Then a medium kiss. Then she started rubbing on my body, grinding on me and kissing me hard. As the initial shock wore off, I looked side to side and EVERYONE in the room were looking directly at me and what was happening, motionless and deafening silent.

The girl kept giving it to me hard, and her hands were roaming all over me. I kind of snap to, and try to gently grab her arms and create separation. She fought it, but I outweighed her by probably 175 lbs and was at the peak of my weightlifting career, so I just grab her right arm with my left hand, yank her away and stand her in place 3/4 of my arm length away. She starts giggling.

I take a glance around the room, still holding the girl in place. Everyone was still just motionlessly and silently watching. I sized up the guys real quick, none of them were huge but they were all older than me and outnumbered me five to one. I hedged my bet on a diplomatic tactic for a solution. I asked the girl politely to go back and sit down, and she complied. I looked at the "boss" of the group and simply told him I needed to get back to work. Fortunately, none of them hindered me and I left.

That ended up being the last call of the night, so I was left alone washing dishes until 2 am, trying to make sense of what happened at the frat house. Why did the girl kiss me? Why were all of them watching so intently? How far was this supposed to have been taken? Were they hazing her? Did they just keep ordering pepperoni pizzas around town until they got a cooperative lab rat?

After I got home and got into bed, I spent a long time crying. I had just had the most intense and involved action with a pretty girl that I had in my life, but it was all engineered and my role in it meaningless. Even worse, there was some poor fucked up girl being exploited by dirtbag asshole frat boys, and instead of calling the cops on them, I was crying in my parents basement.

*****

Chapter II - The Girl That Cried Rape

I was in my third semester of college and in a drawing class. We were paired up by the professor to critique the drawings of a still life we had worked on during the week, focusing on two or three techniques we were instructed upon.

I was paired with a cute "art major" girl. Our critiques and discourse were pleasant enough that day. As chance would have it, she was running a bit late for the next session and the only open stool/easel was next to me. We didn't have a lot of time to chat, but little there had been was upbeat enough. Having nothing to do after class, I offered to walk her to her next class, and she accepted.

Over the next month or so, we slowly became more friendly. Just talking and trying to be fun. I had not pressed towards intimacy at all, even though I was starting to become attracted to her. My hopes were that those types of gestures and feelings might come about a little more organically.

The day then soon came that I decided to ask her out. Some friends (boys and girls) and I were gonna go "cosmic bowling" (black lights, bright stuff, disco lights). I asked if she would like to go, and she told me yes. I told her I would pick her up right outside the front door of her dorm at some time Saturday evening. It was great, I had asked a girl out and she said YES! Maybe I could actually do this dating thing after all.

I was pretty excited and got there ten minutes early. The clock tolled. She didn't show. Oh, of course I then realized that it takes girls a little longer to get ready, so she is surely fashionably late. Ten minutes, then twenty minutes grind by. I hope I didn't tell her the wrong time?

After 45 minutes even my retarded little 19 year old mind pieced together that shit wasn't right. I went next door to a coed dorm to call her. Her roommate answered and tells me she isn't there. I told her it was ok and hung up, it sunk in nice and deep at that point. I had been stood up. It hurt.

The next two weeks she took pretty advanced and drastic measures to avoid me in drawing class. She would always be the last to arrive and the first to leave. I had wanted to just tell her I wasn't mad and that I would give her space if that was needed. Never got the chance.

One day fate intervened as I happen to park my car, I saw her and her roommate walking home from the bookstore. I stood leaning against my car as they neared, and simply asked her if we could just talk for a minute. She whispers something to her roommate, and then approaches me. She tells me her roommate has class and that we can talk in her room. I was glad that we might have a chance at an amenable accord.
When we arrived at her room, and before I had the chance to tell her any of the things about not being mad or willing to give her more space, she starts getting tremendously histrionic and started ranting about how her last boyfriend was a stalker that used to rape her a lot, and that she was depressed and suicidal and there was nothing I could do to help.

I listened to it all, and before I left I just told her I was sorry yet she could still call me if she needed any help. She didn't say anything, so I left. I was mindfucked.

The next day I skipped drawing class and called her room, hoping to get her roommate to ask if she thought the girl was in trouble. The roommate had the decency to tell me that, despite anything the girl had said, she had just trying to get me to go away and that she had been fucking this other guy for a few weeks.
Oddly enough, I saw her and her beau walking hand in hand and full of smiles a few days later. I stopped hanging out in that corner of the campus all together.

*****

Chapter III - Laughter Is The Hardest Pill To Swallow

For a while, I had worked with a girl I knew from high school. She was nice enough, kinda pretty, and even laughed at some of my jokes. She had a boyfriend that she sort did the "on again/off again" thing, but they were off for good at one point because the dude like moved away.

A new employee came in and liked to have little "parties" after work. She and I ended up being there at a lot of them and kind of "buddied up" at the parties. We weren't being flirty or anything, just friendly.

One night at work we had gone outside to smoke, and she started kind of talking about how long it had been since she had a boyfriend and that she was feeling lonely. I then told her that I would really like to take her to dinner some time if she would like it.

She starts LAUGHING. She flicks her cigarette off and walks inside saying something along the lines of, "Not with *you*." on her way past. The only thing I remember after that is that I finished my first cigarette and then smoked a second.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Brave Young Man Temar Boggs Rescues Abducted Girl

In a true showing of Klingon spirit, 15 year old Temar Boggs cornered down a car with a child abductor and a five year old girl with his bicycle. The coward scum abductor pushed the little girl out of the car and fled. Teamr then carried the girl to safety.

As of 9 am CST 7/15/2013 the HaDibaH child abductor has not been caught. (If I find any description of the baktag, I will post it.)

However, it gladdens my heart to see the nobility and valour of a young man that understands compassion and honour and was able to use these concepts to fuel his strength to save this girl. I salute you, Temar Boggs. As a young man, you show virtues that other men many times your age never begin to understand.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

QI'yaH!

In Which Kahless Pronounces the Doom of "Kater Haters"






Qaplah, forshak-lapping baktags! It is He, The Mighty Feklahr, here to read you the tale of the day Kahless encountered a "Kater Hater", and the doom he pronounced upon all "Kater Haters" after observing their treacherous Romulanism.

However, before The Mighty One begins the tale, He feels that context is important. A "Kater Hater" is one who dislikes/hates Kate Upton. This is Kate Upton:




Ms. Upton also happens to be a "modestly successful" bikini model:




The Mighty Feklahr understands that from cultural readings of America, being on the cover of "Sports Illustrated" (which has actual few drawings...) is considered being "successful and famous".

Now, it is easy to understand why the underbelly dregs of a pathetic media-hyped society (like the terran America) would be jealous and reject a rich, successful, world famous model. Envy is one of the most ugly aspects of human nature, which is despicable to a Klingon. HOWEVER, it is not for these reasons that Ms. Upton draws the ire of many. You see, there are people alive (that ostensibly have minimally functional minds) that believe Ms. Upton is too "fat" and provides a poor body image for young women because of her large size.

Yeah, go back and let that sink in before we go on.



So, now that The Mighty Feklahr has everyone on the same page, let us regale the tale of "Kahless and the Kater Hater"!

After a long day of slaughtering Romulans and other treacherous HadibaHs, Kahless strode into town to have His batleth sharpened at the smithy. As he approached the town square, a small crowd had gathered around a public speaker. The speaker was Qa'Hom, a twig-thin and balding young Romulan Pro-Ana that had yellowing skin and carried an airplane barf bag wherever she went. Qa'Hom spake at length, and loudly, to the crowd regarding a Terran female, Kate Upton:

"She looks thick, vulgar, almost pornographic...look at this little piggie...Huge thighs, NO waist, big fat floppy boobs, terrible body definition – she looks like a squishy brick. Is this what American women are “striving” for now? The lazy, lardy look? Have we really gotten so fat in this universe that Kate is the best we can aim for?"

The crowd began to murmur, they were easily swayed by the ravings of an ignorant idiot standing in front of the public and spewing filth to the masses.

No longer able to tolerate the infidel lies of a Pro-Ana troll, Kahless stood forth. "Ho, what treachery is afoot here?!" The crowd silenced and cowed before the righteousness of Kahless and his belting speech. Qa'Hom quailed in shame and regret when Kahless pronounced the following, "It is here, this day, that Kahless of Klingon declares that derisions of this sort are the works of kotal-breeding pa'taQs. If you continue with these sort of of failed and miserable screed, or if you let yourself be swayed by them, then you will NOT enter Stovokor! Instead, at the gates of Stovokor, you will be taken and tossed down the "Portal Potty" to Grethor, where you will ride a log flume of diarrhea and forced vomitings. Once you arrive, you will be force fed 'Twinkie-pizza-with-chocolate-cookie-crust-and-marshamllow-topping' so you will be eternally transformed into the thing you hate the most!"

The crowd cried, and begged Kahless for forgiveness, but He was not though speaking, "Furthermore, the only wank material made available to you will be Sarah Jessica Parker and Calista Flockheart! LOOK! LOOK AT THEM!"






"I SAID LOOK!!!"

Qa'Hom fled in terror at the words of Kahless, and the crowd all fell on their faces, ashamed that they let such drivel sway their opinion. So ends the tale of Kahless and the Kater Hater.


USA! USA! USA!


This post is dedicated to Burnsy, who introduced me to Kate Upton and made my world a better place.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Through the Eyes of a Klingon - The 2012 Chicago Frotcast

To keep the bulk of readers from clicking on a link that leads here and being faced with a daunting wall of text, I am sending a lot of details to the cutting room floor. There are some major points I want to highlight for now, and maybe one day embellish a particular item here or there.

I. The Wonderful People

     Never in my life have I been surrounded by so many people that were flowing with friendliness, goodwill, and positive energy. Shortly after the bulk of the group had gathered, it was apparent to me that there was an underlying theme that was going to direct the event: to make it a jocular and convivial celebration of Filmdrunk and the Frotcast. It was if everyone was determined to go around and make as many new friends as possible and have as much fun as possible and no looking back. The Hive Mind had been issued it's ultimatum, "Have fun.", and we all obliged.

     1. The Frotcast Guys

(The husky Klingon in the middle used for scale.)

          A. Vince-I could never say enough good things about this guy. He's like my little Italian cousin that make-a my grandma cry. I won't forget it as long as I live: I came through the door to enter the meet and greet, Vince turned around and noticed it was me and made a straight line for me with a manly bro hug. He slid his hand up the back of my shirt to unbuckle my mansierre, but I stopped him and whispered, "Not now, lover." Of course Vince being Vince, he was hilarious all night but I think I liked it the best when I told the guys I had brought them presents, and Vince quips, "I hope it's cheerleaders!" Vince is just the best.

          B. Ben-Of all of the Frotcast guys, I had the most trepidation meeting Ben. He's a good-looking and modern young man that has his finger on the pulse of what is "cool or in" a hell of a lot more than a guy like me ever would be. I figured he would be polite with me, but might think I was a dork. I couldn't have been more wrong about a guy ever. Ben is genuine and enthusiastic, and he has a way of making whatever situation we are in is the most happening thing on the planet. He was also incredibly kind, he let me pull him aside a couple of times to ask about things or to introduce me to people I didn't know. Ben is the kind of "Winner" Charlie Sheen only wishes he could be.

          C. Brendan-I wasn't sure what to expect from Brendan when meeting him in person. I was never a football player, but I was a weightlifter in high school and college and were "buddies" with athletes and football is basically my favourite thing in the entire world (so I figured we would at least have some common ground for discussion). My best memory of Brendan at the meet and greet is when he notices kinda cooling off by a window in the large room in the corner. He comes over by himself, we start shooting the breeze, and the next thing I know we are gabbing like two old college buddies that haven't seen each other in years. Eventually, I literally had to "stand him up", so to speak, to remind him to mingle with other fans there. Brendan is no "Gentle Giant", I would consider him more of a "Totally Fucking Awesome Giant".

          D. Bret-In a way, I got the feeling that Bret felt a lot like I did with the whole situation: overwhelmed by the atmosphere of camaraderie. At the same time, he was a very warm person and I wish I could have had more one on one time with him. With a deep and enriching dude like Bret, a couple of shoe-horned in conversations in a single Saturday night probably isn't sufficient to fully realize what he is all about. Still, I know I met a great guy with a warm smile and very friendly personality.

     2. Frotcast A Listers

          A. Laremy-I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Laremy, but he seems like he is a really fun guy. I am also going to guess he has a penchant for Photobombing? He was a marvelous personality to have around and is quick and artful at sliding in little "backhanded jokes". I would say the only thing better than Laremy's (in)famous lists is his delivery of them.



          B. The Frotcast Ladies-to a certain extent, I imagine being involved/engaged/married/or held captive by one of the Frotcasters is a lot like being married to a mad scientist that tries to find the most absurd and peculiar ways to perfect the art of a fecal transplant...you have to be pretty cool and understanding. At the Chicago event we had, from left to right, Alena, Laura, and Amiee.



     Let me tell you that, without a doubt, those were three of the loveliest ladies I have had the gentleman's pleasure of making the acquaintance of. Now, when I say, "lovely", I don't mean that they are just pretty. All three were incredibly warm, polite, and inviting..."lovely" in ways that ascend physical beauty. My only regret is that I didn't allow myself to speak more with them, but my own personal code of conduct suggests that it can be unwise to inflate one-on-one interactions with attached young ladies, particularly if the significant other is occupied at the time. I fervently hope that I will meet up with one or all three again at some point and be able to sustain a friendly and meaningful dialog.

          C. Evan of Doc Films-this is the dude that makes shit happen in Chicago's Hyde Park/Ida Noyes Area. I was amazed at how much a man so young had accomplished, he had the whole event under control and was still a gracious and polite host. Thanks for the nice pic of Evan, Ben!


 

     3. The Fans-I want to apologize in advance for being tremendously lousy with names. There are going to be some of you I forget and some of you I don't have "on film". I am not purposely omitting anyone, I am just piecing together what I can recall from the pics I have on disk and my hooch-drowned memory.



     There were about a half a dozen or so of us that sorta started gravitating towards one another during the party, and we all sat togetherish at the theater for the movie (you know, so all of the incoherent screaming would be coming from the same general direction. So, to my little group of buddies, (in no particular order: Ian, John, Richard, Justin, and Super Drunk Fake Burnsy [Just kidding, fuck that drunk guy!]), I dedicate the small, goofy collage above to our night of friendship and fun. The only let down was that, no matter how many times I asked nicely, Ian wouldn't let me rob him of his squirrel painting by Real Bret.

(My preciousss...)

     I was also humbled and honoured by how many people approached me and said, "Hey, are YOU Feklahr? You are so funny on Filmdrunk, I love you!" I was absolutely flattered more than I have ever been in my life, and it really opened my eyes to the fact that maybe there is more to me than the guy that just sits behind a keyboard...that I somehow extend beyond it.


II. The Setting

     1. University of Chicago, Ida Noyes Hall

     I would be negligently remiss not to mention the absolutely gorgeous, stunning, and beautiful setting we  unwarrantably yet almost miraculously fortunate to have the event hosted in. I feel I could spend several days just exploring Ida Noyes Hall and not learning half of what there is to know about it. The beauty of the architecture stunned me so profoundly upon my arrival, I was worried I had come to the wrong place! If any of you reading can, I beg you to put this on your "tourist list" if you find yourself in Chicago. It is difficult for me to imagine a more regal and scholarly structure.






(The pub downstairs is fantastic, great local brews.)
III. In Closing

     My parting words really apply to the entire Frotcast Team, but I would like to emphasize it just a small bit more for Vince: You have been making a series of notable accomplishments since the Frotcast started two and a half years ago (and almost 5 years since Filmdrunk got going). It is my sincerest hope that you feel a great sense of pride and accomplishment with the event that was held in Chicago, because it was truly special and meaningful. I rebuke anyone that would tell you that "pride is a sin"! Only people without the drive, imagination, and desire to accomplish something fantastic would utter such nonsense.

     Again, I thank all of you for one of the best nights/parties/experiences I have ever attended. The event filled me with happiness and I hold that cherished memory close to my heart. For one night a group of people were able to come together without prejudice and have fun without restrictions, and that is truly remarkable.

     Oh, the movie was pretty good, too!

-Fek/Matt

(The Iowa Hawkeyes are really BIG in Chicago! Wa'qa wa'qa!)

Friday, September 28, 2012

Never Forget the Shame...Lexus December to Remember

This series of Lexus commercials from the 2011 Holiday season is worse than taping a club foot, flipper handed retarded kid fucking a dead roadkill deer in a ditch and then distributing it on the internet. I might embellish on this at some point, but until then the shameful pandering can be found collected in this format.







I can't find a video for the last one, but mom plays the tune on Guitar Hero and BAM, magic Lexus for the Aryan nation!






If anyone can find a video for this commercial, please email me at punisher129@hotmail.com 

Monday, August 20, 2012

Global Nuclear Holocaust






I remember the first time I fully comprehended the entirety of a global nuclear holocaust. I was a child, and I was alone in my bedroom. I cried for a long time thinking about how horrific it would be.

I now feel that same magnitude of sadness...daily, perpetually...because it hasn't happened yet.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Unofficial Official KSK Dictionkakke


(pic via KSK)

If you are a fan of NFL professional American football, the internet, and "awesome", you may have heard of or have visited Kissing Suzy Kolber. Once submerged into the sweaty gym socks and soapy shower hugs, it can become difficult to break free of the site's deathgrip-like hold on you, so you decide to give in and make it part of your internet browsing routine. However, for the newcomer there can be difficulty adjusting to the slang, allusions, and various other colloquialisms that run rampant on the site (particularly in "Open Threads" and "Liveblogs" [often referred to as "The Rivebrog" or "The Curse of the Rivebrog"].)

In an effort to provide a guide to KSK-centric terms, some of the regular readers have collaborated to put together a little dictionary, a "KSK Dictionkakke", if you will. Hopefully those who need it can use it as a reference guide to untangle the mangled, drunken, psychotic garble that can be found at KSK.

KSK Pioneered Slang By Writers and Readers
Kommentariat-KSK commenters
Overlords-KSK writers
Meast-"man beast", weekly title given to player who kicks the most
ass.
Least-opposite of Meast, weekly title given to the biggest failboat of
the week
derp/herp-term indicative of an inept/unintelligent play
gritty-white/honkey/underdog whiteboy
citrusy-Peter King's fave beer note
lofty-another Kingism we have adopted. Often used sardonically

FJM-writing an article in the FIRE JOE MORGAN style, often reserved for Peter King at this point

Insurmountable Lead-when the less crappy team goes up at least two points over the more shitty team.

"x" Safety Lead-where "x=(the lead of the current team/2)

THASSS RAYCESS!!!-translation: "That's racist.", often used sardonically (but appropriately). See also, "Niggsa In Paris".

Tebowmas-This refers to the holy gift sent on high upon to us, as the schadenfreude KSK nation, on the holy day of March 21, 2012 when Tim Tebow was discommendated and cast out of Denver and traded to the NY Jets. A miracle occurred that day and the Kommentariat was showered with Sacred Tebowmas Presents like this:



*****

Suffixes and usage
-derp: Paired with a player name when said player underperforms on any
given play (ie Joe Flacco drops a snap, "Flaccoderp")
-ception: Paired with a player name when said player throws or picks
off an interception (ie Joe Flacco throws an interception to Darrell
Revis "Flaccoception" and/or "Revisception")
-fumble/umble: Paired with a player name when said player fumbles the
football (ie Joe Flacco fumbles during a sack "Flaccofumble", or pair
it with a nickname! Marion Barber fumbles "Vulturefumble")
-fail: Paired with a player name when said player fails in general.
(Big Ben walks on the field "HARFail", Vince Wilfoork misses a tackle
"Wilfoorkfail/Wilfail")
-down: Paired with a player name when said player scores a touchdown
(ie "Tinydown!" "Cutlerfuckerdown!" "Breesdown!",
archaic-"Flaccodown!")
-float: Paired with a player name when said player overthrows a wide
open receiver by like 90 yds (commonly associated with Phillip Rivers,
Joe Flacco, and Tom Brady "Dreamfloat!")
-sack: Paired with a player name when said player is sacked or sacks
the QB ("Flaccosack!" or "BallSoHardSack!")
-ed: Paired with a player name when said player exhibits behaviour
common to them, often poor behaviour ("Palkoed")
-kakke: puntkakke, fieldgoalkakke (implying an...excessive amount of named subject)

*****

KSK Personalities (Both Real and Imaginary)

In general, there is little love given to sports writers/commentators at KSK. In fact, many of them are vilified and reviled. The following includes both some of the least popular sports commentators and some of the goofy and fun satirical "NFL Characters" driven by the madness of the Overlords.

*indicates parody/satire

Roger Goodell/Gingerhammer/The Rog
Peter King

Jon Gruden "This Guy"

Chris Collinsworth

Joe Buck

Rex Ryan*

Tony Dungy/Antonio Dungerson*

Mark "Nacho" Sanchez*

Rex "Sex Cannon" Grossman*

Chan Gailey/5chan*

TAAAAWWHHMY!!!*

JT O'Sullivan*

Ol' Double J, Jerry Jones *

Wade Phillips

Jason Garrett

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Pacman *

THE BEN *

Hines Wald * (THASS RAYCESS!)

Gregggggggg*

*****

Slang Terms By Division

There is really no true rhyme or reason as to why some teams have more terms associated with it than others. Normally speaking, spite and frustration often drive the creative process for generating these terms.

NFC North:
Bears-Lovie Smith (clock management, challenges), Jay Cutler (J Cutty,
Sulk, The Incredible Sulk, diabeetus, DOOOONNNNTTTTTT CAAAAAARRRREEEEEE.” ) Marion Barber (MBIII, vulture),
Devin Hester (kick it to)
Packers-Kuhn (Wisconsin's favourite honkey), Mike McCarthy/onside kick, Aaron Rodgers/Discount Double Check, Brittfarr/Dongslinger
Vikings-Adrian Peterson (Purple Jesus), Jared Allen (hick, mullet)
Lions-Ndomakong Suh (Ndonkeykong Suh, violence, fines, suspensions),
Matt Stafford (goofy looking face), Calvin Johnson (Megatron, stud)

NFC South:
Tampa Bay Bucs - derp
Carolina Panthers - herp
Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan/Matty Ice, Coach Mike Smith/heart disease/
4th&1 calls, Julio Jones/Hulio Hones
New Orleans Saints - *takes a deep breath* Jimmy Graham/TE/6'6"/
basketball player/gigantic/tall/bizarre ethnic heritage, Darren
Sproles/Tiny Darren/Tiny/Little Darren Sproles/TINYDOWN, Drew Brees/
Breesus/Breesy/Saint Breesus, Rape Whistle Guy at Mercedes Superdome


NFC East:
Washington Redskins - Michael Shannahan/leathery/red skin, Rex Grossman/
Sex Cannon/Unleash the dragon/fuck it I'm going deep
NY Giants - Eli Manninng/Elisha/momma's boy/footie pajamas bedtime
story warm milk/3rd down and long conversions, Tom Coughlin/bad
language/red face, Victor Cruz/Salsa
Phil. Eagles - Iggles/Dream Team, Andy Reid/challenge flag/clock
management, Michael Vick/animal cruelty/dogs, Vince Young/big mouth/
dream team/emo, DeSean Jackson/quitter
Dallas Cowboys - Jason Garrett/ginger/Princeton/ices-own-kicker, Jerry
Jones/Double J/psychotic, Rob Ryan/Wolfman, Tony Romo/Romoliscious/
choke



(This video is a classic example of "derping". Also applicable: Herp, ROMOSACK, Romoliscious, Insurmountable Lead, Elite)
NFC West:
SF 49ers - Vernon Davis has gained quite a bit of Meastly notoriety
this season and coach Harbaugh had the handshake hear round the world!
St Louis Rams - is this division really so awful?
Arizona Cardinals - yes it is this awful. :/
Seattle Seahawks - Marshawn Lynch/Beast Mode/Beef Moe/Skittles/
Skittleroids


AFC North:
Pittsburgh Steelers -THE BEN (Big Ben, HARF, Rapey), Hines Wald, Todd Haley/looks like a hobo, James Harrison/hits hard/fined big/object of Gingerhammer loathing
Baltimore Ravens - Ray Lewis/Stabby, Joe Flacco/ELITE, "Ball So Hard University" for Terrell Suggs,
Cincinatti Bengals - Bangles, Ginger QB
Cleveland Browns - Factory of Sadness

AFC South:
Indianapolis Colts - Clots, Fat Humps
Houston Texans - Matt Leinart? Jacoby Jones stabbing derp into fans' hearts?
Tennessee Titans - These guys are no fun since they traded
Vince Young...but they do have "Cop Speed"/"Zulu Chthulu" Chris
Johnson!
Jacksonville Jaguars - tarps instead of fans in the stands, "Gabba
Gaw" Blaine Gabbert, Maurice Jones Drew the FF
studpuppy...uh...and...KHAAAAAAAAAN!/moustache/the new owner Khan guy
with the moustache!

AFC East:
New England Patriots - Tom Brady (Troll Genius, Troll Brady, Dreamboat, Uggs) , Bill Belichik/Darth Hoodie, Rob Gronkowski-porn stars/
awesomeness/Gronk/GRAWNK, Welker/Woodhead/Edelman/Bear Jew/Jewkah/gritty/
undersized white football players of enduring fortitude and incredible
work ethic/scrappy/wiry/hardnose/big heart/lunchbox clock punching blue collar
NY Jets - Rex Ryan (Greatest Coach Ever, Rexinald, HOW YA DOIN BOYS?, That's some good hustle!, Pussytubing), Santonio Holmes
(Dichabod Crane), Mark Sanchez (Shit Taco, Nacho, Sanchize) , LaToeInjury/Ladanian Tomlinson , Cromartie/over 9000 childrens, TEBOW, TEBOW? TEBOW!, Jesus H. TEBOW, Peter King's Mancrush, Tim Tebow

Buffalo Bills - 5CHAN, Ryan Fitzpatrick/Fitzmagic/Harvard

Miami Dolphins - herpity derpity

AFC West:
San Diego Chargers - Norv Turner/Norval/Coach Pepperoni face scrotum neck, Phillip Rivers (King Laserface, Marmalard, YOU BETTA CALL SOMEBODYYYYYYYY)
Denver Broncos - John Elway/Chucklefuck, Neck AIDS/PeyPey/Peyton Manning
Oakland Raiders - Zombie Al Davis, Runs a 4.40 with stone hands
Kansas City Chiefs - The Chefs, Kyle Orton/Neckbeard, Otto Man, Jamaal Charles' Shredded Knees

*****

So, there we have it! This is by no means a complete list, but it is comprehensive enough that any Tom with a hairy dick could walk in off the street and join in. Feel free to suggest any additions/modifications by CLICKING HERE.