Saturday, November 12, 2011

Breaking News: Wal Mart Employee Fatally Assaulted By Klingon

A Klingon wearing red Chucks and shopping at the Super Wal Mart in Iowa City, IA became enraged and violently murdered the idiot behind the counter when she expressed ignorance over turnips. He was able to beam out before being apprehended by police, and is suspected of being on his way to detonate the Sun, screaming, "I don't want to invade this planet any more! Guy'cha!"

Saturday, June 25, 2011

New Dream: "Hoo boy..."

In this dream, I am in a small town house with Dan Cortese and Thom Yorke and we are watching the 49ers play the Dolphins on Monday Night football on Thom's HUGE HD tv. The three of us are cheering the Niners on, and they are kicking Miami's ass pretty bad.

So, we are drinking beers and getting rowdy and Dan sees on tv this guy in red and gold body paint. Dan starts screaming, "Let's fucking do that! Let's fucking paint ourselves in Niners colors ALL OVER. Let's be the best 49er fans IN THE WORLD!"

Thom quietly skitters off and returns with a large supply of red and gold body paint. Dan starts ripping off his clothes until he is standing there stark naked. He starts screaming again, "Fuck yes! I am painting every damn inch of my body! Get nekkid boys, we are doing this thing! My fucking balls will be red and gold!"

I am feeling a little uncomfortable, but hey, it's football, right? Until Dan says, "Well, fuck boys, I am so damn excited for football I sprung a fucking hard on! Oh, look, you guys have boners, too! Fuck it, let's rub these bad boys out real quick and get painted before half time!"

Dan starts jerking it and kinda walks over to Thom and I, who are just kinda standing there. Dan continues, "What's the matter, boys? Never been to a circle jerk? Listen, it ain't like it's fucking gay. What is more manly than getting a fucking drunk hard on for football? Jerk one out for the Niners! RRRAAAAHHHH!"

As the three of us get going, half time hits and the teams leave the field. Shortly after, the door opens and the Miami Dolphins start filing though the small town house to use the bathroom as their half time locker room. Dan motions us to stop all the sudden and walks over to the corner, "Stop...stop...don't let these Miami faggots watch us jerk off. Do it over here so those fucking queers can't see. Stupid buttfuckers."

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Fuck Your Stupid

So, because forums have their rules and I assume my post will get deleted, I took a screenshot as a "Fuck you!" to the world and I am putting it on my blog so everyone can cry about it. Sue me and make me take it down.

Anyway, my response to:

I'd rather DCUO be boring and stale with a viable playing population than to log in and HOPE that an instance spawns in an hour of game play. People aren't going to sub to this game because they'll hit level 10 and can't do any instances. They'll just leave in frustration.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I found this on the vast series of tubes which makes up our interwebs...and it is simply amazing. I love it so much.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

MMO players are retarded, here is the proof

More than anything, I wanted this wall of text to survive. It is monumental in its FAIL.

Update-OK, a little more background for those not familiar with the subject matter:

First, DC Universe Online launched 1/11/11, if my memory serves. At the time of this writing, it has been live for about 5 weeks, an infant of an MMO game. There were a few glitches, particularly an issue (an exploit) that caused cheaters to basically be invincible in "player vs. player" play. Not good.

On 2/22/11, a large patch was released that fixed a lot of these issues (including the cheat), and included a lot of new content (a new raid, new duo, an auction hall, etc.), however, the patch caused a glitch. Screenshots were disabled, and there were two instances where the end boss would spawn twice (a no gooder, unless you can take 'em!). A hotfix is scheduled to fix these as of 3/1/11.

Now, rational minded individuals see this and might feel that the game company is taking seemingly normal adequate steps to addressing particular issues. I personally feel a two week turn around for a hotfix is pretty darn quick!

However, there is this loud and obnoxious subculture within the MMO community. I often refer to it as something like "The Hydra of Entitlement Dysfunction and End Times Paranoia". They are a squawking, writhing mass of unwashed humanity that screams DOOM! at the first hint of any fault or glitch whatsoever with an MMO video game. Not only do they feel compelled to be aggressive doomsaying fortune tellers, there are a few things that all "MUST*" axiomatically accept about their point of view (*assuming you are willing to abandon all reason and intellect):
  1. First and foremost, these people LOVE THE GAME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, and they want it to succeed more than anyone else because they LLLLUUUUURRRRVVVE it soooooooooooooooooo much!
  2. Their loyalty to the game is UNQUESTIONED! If a critical remark of the game is made, it is because of the pervasive abuse at the hands of the gaming company.
  3. They know what is best for the game better than anyone else!
  4. They know what is needed for the game better than anyone else!
  5. They have played EVERY MMO and have seen GREAT MMOs DIE because of the EXACT SAME ISSUES!
  6. Their MMO background and experience is UNQUESTIONED!
  7. They have never programmed video games (some have even listed HTML and Java as coding experience), BUT THEY KNOW fixes don't take so long to prepare!
  8. The game they are currently playing is the game with THE WORST customer service they have EVER experienced, and this is UNQUESTIONED!
I could go on, but that really hits the key points. About the only factor in the make up of the Hydra psyche that wasn't really covered in the summary was their feelings of entitlement. You see, they feel their subscription fee pays for more than a video game. Instead, $15 a month should buy them non-stop, 'round the clock entertainment, fun, and engaging social activity that fits all of their arbitrary (and mutable) needs. You see, they feel that if, at any point, they log on and are not having fun it is explicitly the fault of the parent gaming company. This is UNQUESTIONED!

Well, all of this and more will become apparent to you as you go on to read the most hyperbolically exaggerated version of all these key notes and more in the most epic fail of a forum post created by a person that subscribed to the game for the sole purpose of making this post on their forums. Happy reading!


SoE/SOE-Sony Online Entertainment (parent company of DCUO)

DCUO-DC Universe Online

WoW/WOW-World of Warcraft (no good Hydra can post without revering their God, WoW)

PVP/PVE-player vs. player, player vs. environment (environment being automated computer "bad guys")

(This is an untouched copy and paste of a post from the DCUO forums, 2/24/2011.)

Here's a few quick points if you dont feel like reading my book. Im not a hater, I enjoy the game. Im expressing concern.

- Low population is dangerous to an mmo.

- Stop defending SoE, they are here to please you, not the other way around. Open your eyes. They arent doing what they should to address the game. Period. This isnt my first rodeo. Ive seen free to play MMO's and freeshards of former MMO's with better support and these are run by people in their free time.

- The game needs quite a few changes and patches NOW not later.

- SoE needs stronger communication with its player base, we can help you believe it or not and we're paying you to do it.

- Stop worrying about monthly content and get the core working and bugs/exploits fixed NOW.

- You released a game into a competetive mmo market. If you cant compete you shouldn't waste peoples money. Stop letting people say "oh its only been a month give it a break" good point.. Are you ready to release a game into the cage with WoW in the other corner? Because people have expectations now. When we drop money on a game we understand there are going to be some bugs. But these are game breaking.

- The game is amazing at its core but SoE you are neglecting it.

- I feel like there should be daily hotfixes and patches going on right now, not month long exploit neglect to release a valentines day patch a week late. You're letting the game cave in on itself.

- If you cant handle releasing a game on two platforms you shouldnt have done it. I feel like this isnt a mistake thats easily made. You should have considered what consequences that was going to have.

- Population is too low at the moment. Consider server merges to keep the people who are still playing happy. Cross server queues ruin pvp rivalry which i feel is going to be important in a game like this.

- Get the game working then we'll worry about content eh?

Ok reading this kind of stuff every day, and readng peoples responses finally sent me over the edge and i had to make an account. I'd like to start off by saying this isnt the first mmo i've played. I have quite a list under my belt. Now on to the fun stuff.

I think there are honest posts, and I think there are childish posts. People are going to have OPINONS about the game no matter what. People should be able to freely express their opinions provided they are in a non-offensive manner. This however is beside my points im about to make.

I'm sure I speak for a vast majority of people when I say that I am disappointed with the state of this game. Many of you would argue "oh then just leave" or "dont let the door hit you on the way out" or "The game just came out give it a break." These are all fine and dandy responses to peoples frustration but they are missing the point completely. People aren't disappointed because they dont like the game. They are disappointed because they see a jewel of a game being destroyed or neglected.

I personally feel that SoE is neglecting the game. You can't honestly sit here and tell me you believe SoE is trying to address issues by releasing 1 patch since release with all the bugs in the game and lack of content. There should be constant patches being released everytime one bug is fixed. They need to be fixed! Period! It doesn't take a month to fix one bug. Fixing these issues quickly and taking small steps at a time shows a community that you care about your player base and are interested in our feedback and entertainment. I've seen free MMO's or hack servers (free servers from former mmos) that are put up, funded, patched, and have more content added to them at a faster pace and these servers are run off the hosts own money and free time. Their job isnt running their server, its probably working 8-5 then coming home and working on their server for just a few hours. They dont even have the full team nor the resources that SoE has. So please, stop making excuses for SoE. They aren't trying.

I mean it isnt fair to tell people who use their money to purchase a game and pay for subscription fee's and say that they should just go find another game to play. Most of us happen to enjoy the combo system and enjoy the content thats in the game. Which brings me to another point. Now that the mmo genre is established there are going to be some pre-requisites. Customers now have a common knowledge of what makes an mmo enjoyable. People will quit the MMO if they feel things arent going well. People have expectations. It's now left to the Company to compete for a player base! When releasing an MMO now you need to realize you are competing with the established successful MMOs. Therefore there's no room to expect players to stick around while you fix things that are extremely important and are the reason people play the game. Having pvp bugs and exploits when pvp is a strong part of the game is completely absurd. It should have been squashed prior to release. Take a look at rift. That game is extremely polished and well running with tons of content! I think the idea of the game rift is tired and over used but its working. So people need to stop puppy guarding SoE.

THE ONLY thing this game has going for it is its idea. Its completely unique. The combo system, the story line. People have been screaming for something different and amazing! I just dont understand how with all the MMO's out there. SoE as a company hasnt figured out that this game could be legendary. Literally. A total trend breaker and finally a refreshing mmo! I normally hate pve, but this game is amazing in that department. This is the first time ive enjoyed a game this much since i played daoc.

My biggest concern here which i havnt even mentioned yet is population. In just 2 weeks time that I've played the game the populations has declined drastically. I log in anywhere from 4pm to 9pm and its a struggle to get queues to pop. The whole reason of having a queue system is to eliminate the middle ground of trying to put together a group. Low population is bad news for an mmo. You guys can sit around and say oh let the haters hate and the leavers leave but guess what. There are more people that are disappointed and quit then there are that actually play. Which means if the population drops low enough. The promises of new content and conisistent patches go right out the window. SoE directs more of its team to other games. Future games. Thats just business. So I think you be wise to take everyones opinion and consider it rather than disregard it. Take a look at Age of Conan. The game was awesome and i found it extremely fun, but a lot of people didnt and left and the game died for a while. The producer resigned and they brought in a new guy and changed the game around, but it never got as popular as it was before it launched. You cant mention that game without a few people telling you how bad it was.

I also feel that public relations are extremely important to maintaining and running an mmo. You guys need to use your customers feedback. We're paying you. YOu guys are getting paid to read and sift through the whiney rage submissions and sort out the good constructive replies. Take care of your customers and your game will grow.

Message edited by Zimmit16 on 02/24/2011 17:25:14.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Origins-Petey Parkour

(Background: For those that do not play DC Universe Online, the premise is that the villain "Brainiac" uses small "nanotechnology insects" called "Exobytes" to harvest the essence and powers of super-powered beings. It is from these Exobytes that all the new heroes and villains in the game world are to have received their powers. The following is the fictional tale of my created hero [and also an intended humorous parody/crossover of Marvel's "Spiderman"].)

As a small boy in Colorado, Pete Thompson was an avid mountain and rock climber. Even from a very young age he started showing ingenuity at inventing contraptions to help him climb. This ingenuity turned to prodigy, as Pete was to be one of the youngest students ever accepted into Gotham University's school of advanced technology.

However, tragedy struck shortly before his first semester (and 15th birthday). His parents were killed in an unfortunate car accident. In their will, Pete's parents had set up a fund for relatives to care for Pete until he was 18, and to pay for the tuition at Gotham University.

After the funeral, Pete went to live with his Great Uncle Neb and Great Aunt June in Gotham. They were kindly, older folk that hadn't had a youngster in the house for a long time. Both of them adored the good-natured and intelligent young man, and Pete found a loving home right away.

Unfortunately, being so young made finding friends difficult at Gotham U. Even his peers in the technology school resented his talent and acted cold towards him. To further his isolation, there wasn't a mountain for miles to climb, and Pete often felt there was little left for him other than his studies.

One day, walking home from school, he saw some youngsters running around near an abandoned warehouse. They had an odd, fluid style of running between obstacles and hurdling over barriers. Some of them could even run up walls! Pete walked over and asked the kids how they did all of those amazing feats.

This is how Pete was introduced to "parkour", a utilitarian discipline based upon the successful, swift and energy-efficient traversing of one's surrounding environment via the practical application of techniques, based around the concept of self-preservation and the ability to help others. It is a non-competitive, physical discipline of French origin in which participants run along a route, attempting to negotiate obstacles in the most efficient way possible, using only their bodies. Skills such as jumping, climbing, vaulting, rolling, swinging and wall scaling are employed.

Pete finally felt alive again. He made fast friends with the young kids (Flash Osborn, Stacy Jane, Norm Parker, and Mary Gwen). Uncle Neb and Aunt June were glad to see Pete have friends his age, and even more glad that his studies continued to soar.

Then, the day of the Exobytes arrived! Thousands of the tiny, robotic insectoids flooded the skies and incorporated themselves with a human host. It was late at night alone, studying in a lab that Pete all the sudden got a quick sting and a zap! When he jumped in surprise, he surprised himself when he was launched all the way across the room! The little robot insectoid had given him ATOMIC SUPER STRENGTH!

Donning a mask to protect his identity and brandishing the symbol of the atom, Pete Thompson used his knack for gadgets and technology aligned with his parkour skills and atomic super strength to fight crime on Gotham U's campus as...PETEY PARKOUR!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

People in Iowa are smart and chatty

Image via

I went to the post office during my lunch break to mail a moderately important letter. When I get in line, there is a George-Costanza-esque guy talking to this old lady in front of him in line. He turns around and informs me, “There was a guy in line behind me, but he had to go get some medicine real quick and doesn’t want to lose his place, ok?

I nodded because there was no one in line behind me and I welcomed the barrier between myself and Georgie Porgie’s stupid rambling.

Well, sure enough, Medicine Guy comes in like 3 seconds after Georgie “verbally held his spot”. Aside from his dick hipster hat, the guy seemed ok. Well, until HE joins in the conversation with with Georgie and Old Woman.

The conversation flowed as follows: Georgie was there because his friend from England was sending him a jacket. He explains to old lady he can get things cheaper in Europe (euro exchange, blah blah blah), kinda like buying from China (Georgie is a self-segue-setting-up-grand master).

Taking the easy bait, Old Lady asks if Georgie has been to China! NOT ONLY THAT! Georgie LIVED IN CHINA FOR 6 MONTHS! Apparently the Chinese are REALLY keen on Pop Tarts, by the way. Oh! Medicine guy thinks it’s funny that Chinese people like pop tarts! Old Lady remembers Pop Tarts before they even had icing on them! SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE ICING!

I tune out for a few minutes to preserve my sanity, and when I tune back in Old Lady is spouting some horseshit about how women in China don’t have to take their husbands name in marriage, and that China is seemingly much more advanced than the United States when it comes to “womens lib issues”.

That is when Georgie chimes in that is is due to the religion in China, blah blah blah, segue for Georgie’s horse crap about religion in Europe, I am trying to stay as tuned out as humanly fucking possible, but it gets to the point where Old Lady is so distracted by the crap that the post office worker has to yell at her to turn around and realize she is next in line.

It doesn’t stop there, either, Georgie literally has to turn around WHILE HE IS SIGNING FOR HIS JACKET to finish his last quip to medicine Guy about the prevalence of religion in the society of “Barvaria”.

My turn finally came, and I was promptly done with my transaction in about 45 seconds. As I left, Georgie was trying on his new jacket, and it was too tight because he’s a stupid short little fucking retarded lard ass.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Friday, February 18, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Iowa City Guy Facerolls Council

I like this and I am going to tell you why:
  • Iowa City guy
  • Iowa City guy getting up and telling the damn truth
  • The younger generation getting in our damn face and challenging the precepts that we hold on to in a senseless, draconian fashion.
Youth of America, follow this young mans example. Stand up and speak for what you feel is right. If you don't, some "well meaning" group espousing "family values" will come and fuck your civil liberties into the ground.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Life can go fuck itself

Skip this post right now, because it is nothing but me crying like a little bitch about how hard I think my fucking life is and how much I want the Earth to explode.

For starters, I hate February with a fiery red hot passion. I get all fucking emo because it was February in 1997 that I got hospitalized for psychiatric care. Guess what? Being hospitalized for psychiatric care fucking sucks. I can't help but associate this time of year with hospitalization. Sometimes I even have flashbacks. No matter what I do, there will always be a hole...a void in that period of my life that is just GONE, my memory and intellect were just turned off and nothing was left.

Second, I am in physical pain. I have something wrong with my damn face that makes the whole right side of my jaw, up through my temple, and down through my teeth HURT. Bad. I have been on vicodin for it, but even at a medium dose of that, it was barely mitigating the intensity of the pain. It wakes me up and fucks with my sleep, and that is bad for a guy that has psych problems. The pain stresses me out. The lack of sleep stresses me out. The lack of sleep impairs my ability to deal with stress. I have an artificially inflated set of personal stress and an impaired ability to deal with it. I feel constantly fucked.

Also, I have animals that I am attached to that are going to die. However, my mother and my wife (the two most important people in my life) are even more attached. Rascal, our Corgi, got diagnosed with cancer. We are keeping him comfortable on medication, but his time is running out. Some days he eats, some days he don't. Some days he passes lots of blood. It breaks my mom's heart, but she won't make the decision to put him down yet.

Then my wife has a horse in New Hampshire that isn't doing good this winter. It's only the horse she has done a million shows with, spent countless hours of work with, taught other riders with, and is basically her best horse. As if that isn't enough, it is doubtful if the horse does pass that they will be able to bury her with the other horses, due to the weather conditions out east this year. My wife is devastated, and there is nothing I can do.

All of this is just making me a fucking mess. I haven't been doing the dishes at home. I don't even bathe regularly. I just feel small, impotent, and worthless.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Filmdrunk Callback-Top Ten Green Hornet Villains

After finding that cover art from above, the only thing in this world more difficult than imagining bizarre Green Hornet villains that haven't already been taken is basically figuring out Cold Fusion. Well, it didn't stop us Filmdrunkards from trying! Dor sho gha!

Top Ten Pretend Green Hornet Villains With Idiosyncrasies And The Thespians That Portray Them!

  1. Dingus says:

    An elitist sycophant who feeds on the Haitian dead. Played by Sean Penn, naturally.

  2. Crapbasket says:

    Karaoke championship loser who pulls out her tongue and yells, “haaaaaahhp! Baaaaahhhh!” at children, as played by Lilly Tomlin.

  3. Patty Boots says:

    Bitchy, spoiled heiress with radioactive yellow hair who buys up the world’s puppy supply just so she can kick them all.

    Played by Katherine Heigl, naturally.

  4. Eibmoz says:

    Crazy couple who strangles using belts but makes it look like an accident: The Quaids.

  5. ThereAreNoTeams says:

    Toothy, midget dwarf, psuedo-religious nut, who exerts influence and power over Hollywood seemingly magically and with no justification, played by Tom Cruise.

    Ohhhh reality, you truly are stranger than fiction.

  6. Dingus says:

    A gay man and his beard. Played by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, naturally.

  7. Patty Boots says:

    A tough, rage-filled, totally not stereotypical Latina who communicates solely through yelling and is the scourge of libraries everywhere, as played by Michelle Rodriguez.

  8. Crapbasket says:

    Crackhead male nurse who kills elderly patients for their hard candies played by Luke Wilson.

  9. ThereAreNoTeams says:

    Jamaican rudeboy gang-banger who speaks with a Canadian accent and uses his multicolored bus of death to run down medical marijuana store owners played by Dustin Hoffman in dreadlocks.

  10. Dick Buttkus says:

    I’d want to kill Seagal with a microwave if he broke out some “Me Want Da Poonani.”

Guy'cha! What does that last one even mean?

Movie Review - Cop Out

When I first saw trailers and preview for Cop Out, I was legitimately enthusiastic. I am one of the seemingly few people in America that is underexposed to Tracy Morgan, and I figured pairing him up with Bruce Willis for a cop comedy would be a pretty solid venture. Well, for the most part I was essentially correct. Morgan and Willis work really great together, but they have a tall hill to climb in all of the bullshit going on around them.

The biggest black hole they have to climb out of is the story. After a drug sting gone bad, Willis and Morgan get suspended without pay. Oh no! This is supposed to be terrible for the Willis character because he needs the money for his daughter's fancy wedding. Only to have it turn out that the wedding would cost WAAAAY more than any cop earns in a month ($50 grand), so instead he has to sell his collector baseball card, but he gets robbed by parkour robbers that sell it to a drug lord that is obsessed with baseball.

This is just one case of a plot element being totally fizzled out by a later development. I mean, why suspend these guys without pay if the cop was never going to be able to afford it on his paycheck anyway? It's like later in the movie when Morgan and Willis bail out the parkour robber to break in and steal back the baseball card, but he falls and is incapacitated on the way in, so the two of them end up breaking in by themselves any way. You just keep finding yourself asking, "Why bother? What was the point?"

Even though there are legitimately funny and entertaining parts sprinkled throughout the entire movie, I personally had a hard time reconciling the characters actions with the story (or maybe vice versa). I realize it's hip to be convoluted these days, but your story shouldn't be such a damn mess that your stars can't shine through it.

I will rate this movie as follows:

BONG!! with two exclamation points: You could go see this yIntagh movie, or you can stay home and watch Conan the Barbarian on DVD whilst slapping the salami.

I Am Not A Seahawks Fan

But I will be sorely damned if this awesome vid doesn't go on my blog.

Video courtesy of KSK.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Kahless Is NOT Disappoint

Short version of this story, the best father in the world caught his nephew acting tough on Facebook (apparently misleading some to believe he was a gang banger...or something). Well, Uncle Kahless don't settle for that shit, makes that kid admit he was lying, and beats his ass for everyone to see.

Kahless is not disappoint.

Jenny McCarthy Can Bite My Crank

...but she will blow me first.

For those not familiar with Jenny McCarthy and her retarded crusade against vaccines, read up here. Summary: She thinks a measles vaccine gave her son autism and because she showed her pussy in Playboy her opinion is somehow valid, so she advocates to parents world wide not to vaccinate their children.


Well, study after scientific study hasn't been able to turn up any conclusive evidence for these claims, and now the main study linking the vaccines to autism in the first place has been deemed a fraud.

Go die in a fire, you ignorant fucking cunt. Take Oprah's dumb ass with you for putting your bullshit on tv, too.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Huck Finn To Be "Edited"?

If you took a snapshot of the part of my soul that is connected to my intellect, it would look something like a tired, beaten old man...near death and crying. However, this old man would also have a gigantic smile on his face, a school bus filled with terrified children, and his finger on the trigger of a bomb big enough to put California into the ocean.

Yahoo! reports that:

"NewSouth Books plans to release a version of "Huck Finn" that cuts the "n" word and replaces it with "slave." The slur "injun," referring to Native Americans, will also be replaced."

(Even the cowards at Yahoo! are too chickenshit to say "nigger", even when it is in context and meaningful.)

Here is the rationale:

"The idea of a more politically correct Finn came to the 69-year-old English professor over years of teaching and outreach, during which he habitually replaced the word with "slave" when reading aloud. Gribben grew up without ever hearing the "n" word ("My mother said it's only useful to identify [those who use it as] the wrong kind of people") and became increasingly aware of its jarring effect as he moved South and started a family. "My daughter went to a magnet school and one of her best friends was an African-American girl. She loathed the book, could barely read it.""

(Again with the chickenshit term "n-word". The word is "nigger", no matter how much anyone hates it.)

White guilt and political correctness, about the only thing on Earth more fucking retarded than fundamental Christianity. America (particularly NewSouth Books and and "Professor Gribben" [his PhD has to be in FAIL]), Kahless is disappoint. And I am mad as fucking hell. This is an intellectual disgrace.