Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Banned Books Fail


What the hell do you want me to fucking say? The cartoon pretty much says it all. Some halfwit fucktard mother from Menifee, California petitioned to her school to have the DICTIONARY banned because it defined "oral sex".

They obliged her.

A real school in reality in 2010 BANNED the dictionary. Like, for real. I am so angry I can barely fucking type.

Friday, January 22, 2010

New Dream-Romulan Torture


This dream takes place during "The Next Generation" timeline, and I was an unidentified captive of the Romulans, and being held prisoner by them in this massive concentration camp. All of the other prisoners were various Starfleet officers, and I was often with Worf and his son Alexander (a Starfleet ensign in my dream).

Apparently, the idea was that the Romulans were keeping this concentration camp and trying to add as many prisoners to it as they could. A large contingent of the force posted there would often leave the prison planet to go on a raiding mission to abduct more Starfleet personnel.

It was after one of these raids that the Romulans returned with Captain Picard. This was incredibly demoralizing to the prisoners, Picard was a big hero and supposed to be unobtainable by the Romulans. It was a dark moment when he arrived in camp, and made many despair.

As captives of the Romulans, all of us wore these bracelets that worked as like electromagnetic handcuffs. The Romulans could use a small hand-held device to control the placement of our hands (like putting them behind our back like regular handcuffs). A daily routine at the camp was that all of the prisoners would line up in ranks, and Romulan guards would go around and whip various prisoners at their discretion. They would use the electro-cuffs to put our hands over our heads and whips our backs ruthlessly. Everyone in the camp had marked and bloody backs through torn shirts.

One morning, we lined up. I was with Worf, Picard, and Alexander. The Romulans came out and declared that any of the prisoners that begged for mercy would be spared and could see a doctor. Alexander wavered and said to Worf, "Father, I am not brave enough to do this...I want to ask for mercy!"

Worf yelled back, "No, you must not! It will show the Romulans that they have defeated you! You will lose your honour!"

During the yelling, a Romulan walks over to Alexander and says, "Do you want mercy now, young one? Look, there goes two more ships, we are sending our largest contingents ever out to get more prisoners. It is hopeless now. If you get mercy now and...cooperate...with us, you can be the first to demonstrate to the prisoners the benefits of...cooperation."

Worf becomes enraged and charges the Romulan, and gets stunned with phaser. Alexander wavers more and is about to ask for mercy when Picard steps between Alexander and the Romulan, infuriating the Romulan. Picard speaks, and somehow his charisma lifts the spirits of all the Starfleet prisoners and emboldens Alexander, "Do not bow to their wishes, ensign. They are cowards and can only hurt your body. However, your freedom of spirit and loayalty to the Federation cannot be so easily tarnished by these HaDiBahs!" (Yes, Picard uses a Klingon slur to anger the Romulans! BOOSH!)

At this, the Romulan and two other of the guards start mercilessly beating Picard with the whips. Picard seemingly goes into a trance, and makes no sounds, but the beating is so severe that it will surely kill him. The prisoners start to stir, some start shouting out for the beating to stop, they are whipped. More prisoners become angry. I become angry. I look around, the Romulans seem so few with their forces away, and the prisoners seem so many.

I lash out at the nearest Romulan and sink my teeth into his throat, ripping it out. With green blood trickling from my mouth, I let out a primal scream. I start yelling at the prisoners, "NOW, ATTACK THEM! BITE THEM, KICK THEM! WE DO NOT NEED OUR HANDS TO KILL!!!"

As if a bomb had been set off, the camp explodes into chaos. Everywhere Starfleet officers are kicking at the legs of Romulans to knock them down, then curb-stomping their heads. Phaser and disruptor fire starts coming in from other guards, but they are quickly swarmed under attack by prisoners.

Alexander rushes to Worf to rouse him. Soon they are fighting together, killing many Romulans. When one of the Romulans fall, Alexander notices that the felled guard has the master device for the electro-cuffs. Alexander quickly falls backwards on the bloodied Romulan to procure it. "Father, which button to deactivate?" Worf quickly instructs him, and soon the entire camp goes quiet save for the chandelier-like clinking of hundreds of pairs of electro-cuffs falling to the ground.

The ensuing violence dwarves the initial outburst. With their hands freed, the prisoners start rending the Romulans mercilessly. No one picks up the fallen weapons, it was a frenzy of brute force and bloodied hands.

At this point, I run to Picard who is badly injured. I pull off my shirt and tear it to try to bandage some of the more severe wounds. He instructs me, "Notify Worf, we need to get to the hangar and commandeer their flagship before it is too late!"

I scream to Worf, who is still fighting valiantly with his son. When they see Picard and I, they both run over. We help Picard up and make for the hangar. Many of the prisoners see us and rally around us. As we get to the hangar, the prisoners just fucking Zerg the last of the Romulans trying to flee on the last ship left on the planet.

Now, unfortunately, this is where the dream ends. However, I like to imagine that we take their ship, find the two raiding ships and blow them out of the sky, and then go fuck all of their mothers.

Monday, January 18, 2010

My 129th post!


Being the avid Punisher fan and the semi-retired comic collector I am, I would be remiss not to have Amazing Spider Man #129 (the first appearance of The Punisher) up on my blog for my 129th post. QAPLAH!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Little hope in my vote


Nobody fucking dislikes Republicans and their filthy tactics more than I do. I wouldn't have pissed on Dick Cheney if he was on fire, and G-Dub was a fucking moron extraordinaire. Those two and their good ol' boy system fucked this country for eight fucking years, and what are we left with now?

More of the same.

I didn't have a lot of hope going into the 2008 election. I didn't buy into the Obama cult of personality. All I knew was that we sure as hell couldn't let two retards fucking worse than Bush and Cheney (McCain* and Palin) further plunge the country into the Republican agenda. My only real hope was that it wouldn't get worse.

Technically, it hasn't got WORSE, but it is still business as usual up on Capitol Hill. The most telling sign that we were no better off (internally politically speaking) was when I was listening to NPR this morning, and President Obama was addressing AIRPORT SECURITY and HEIGHTENED MEASURES. He sounded just like that fucking dingbat Bush and I felt like I had taken a timewarp back 3-4 years. It was fucking bullshit.

Airport security indeed. Any president with a fucking spine would have publicly laughed out loud at the latest "Christmas Day Attack", and called that fucking loser with explosive underwear a massive failure. What are we doing instead? Talking about installing X-Ray machines in fucking airports, getting dogs for the guards, etc.

The thing that draws my ire the most about the "Christmas Attacker" was that he was a passenger that should have been eliminated by routine, rudimentary flying procedure. He boarded an international flight without a passport. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. (There has been question drawn to this issue, but then there is also this.) Yet, while this fucking asshole got on an international flight without a passport, at home we are patting down and aggressively frisking 8 year old Cub Scouts trying to board a plane to go on vacation.


(Behold the face of terrorism in America.)

President Obama, this is not what I fucking signed up for with my vote for you. You have been an abysmal, spineless disappointment. You have about much Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi in you as I have patience and tolerance for you fucks on Capitol Hill. Remember when you were doing shit like closing Gitmo and generally trying save America's face internationally? Take that spark and work on us at home now! Quit trying to make the universally appealing choices and start making the hard decisions.

I would rather die from a bomb on a plane in a free country than arrive safely in fucking Oceania. We Americans are better and braver than this. Obama, Americans, I am disappoint.

*I just wanted to point out that I, by no means, think McCain is anywhere near as stupid as that crazy fucking retard fundy ubercunt Palin. In fact, I used to moderately respect him, even though he was a Retardlican. However, that little fucker sold out big time to try to get that oval Office Prize, and it was disgusting to watch.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I imagine things


I was thinking the other day that the only way Star Wars could have been cooler is if Luke and Leia had unwittingly hooked up and had some sort of inbred super mutant retard Jedi baby! He could grow up to use the Force to feed himself tater tots and Spaghettios and club the Dark Side to death with jedi-enhanced retard strength! HUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

SLOTH LOVE LIGHTSABER!

Friday, January 8, 2010

New Dream-Osama Zigzag Laden


OK, I have no fucking idea how I forgot about this until this late in the day, but the short version of a long story is I dreamed I was watching a soccer game in a press box with Osama bin Laden and he pulled out this gigantic black garbage bag filled with marijuana and we fucking got high off this killer mid-east hookah. The crowning achievement of the dream had to be the part where Osama decides we aren't getting high fast enough, wraps up some humongous dried out marijuana plants in like these oversized green zig-zags, then throws them in the furnace like logs on a fire. Next thing I know, the heater vents are blasting us with fucking chronic smoke! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY MIND????

Clothing chain draws Klingon ire


OK, so this clothing retailer I have never heard of (H&M) somehow managed to piss me off by being big time yeast infection douche-queefs. See that picture there? That lady found gigantic garbage bags behind the H&M stuffed with unsold clothing (that apparently contained a lot of Wal Mart apparel, too). The killer? H&M had slashed the shit out of the clothes so they would be unwearable!

Let's put this into perspective, they have a bunch of unsold clothing merchandise after the holiday in an economy that is downturned and instead of donating the clothing and jackets to charity they decide to throw out the clothes, but not only that, have employees take the time to shred these clothes so they will be unwearable.

*slow clap*

My blood is so hot right now that my eyeballs are boiling in place.

If that isn't enough to make you want to nuke all of their stores and abduct their management and administrators, drive them out to an abandoned warehouse, and individually lance each of them in their cold, little black hearts with a gigantic frozen urine javelin, look at this:




I SAID LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!!!

That's right. It's fucking skirts for men. H&M has skirts for men. LOOK AT IT!

We need to do more than boycott H&M, we need to eradicate it from the human genome.



Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Hawkeyes OWN 2010 Orange Bowl


(This poor fucker is gonna see the number 94 in his nightmares.)

Simply put, the Hawkeyes fucking manhandled and shitstormed Georgia Tech in the 2010 Orange Bowl, beating them 24-14 (a score that doesn't even come close to telling how lopsided the victory was).

The Iowa D held the highly touted "triple option" offense of Tech (averaging about 340 yds per game) to a miserly 155 yds (coming mostly on their sole scoring drive). Adrian Clayborn wrapped up 9 tackles and 2 sacks, Pat Angerer had a dozen or so tackles, and AJ Edds got himself an INT. The defense held Tech's Nesbitt to 2 of 9 passing for 12 yards and a pick.

What the fuck.

Ricky Stanzi manned the helm on offense again as "Joe Cool", quietly running the offense sharp and precise, and amassing 231 yds and 2 tds on 17/29 passing. It was great having him back.

The receivers all stepped up and keep the chains moving (and the points scoring), Marvin McNutt put an early fumble behind him to score a 1st quarter touchdown. Sandeman and the injured Stross both hauled in key third down receptions, with Sandeman getting a score, and DJK was able to catch a few chain-moving beauties before his ill-timed knee injury (get well soon!). However, the most dazzling pass play had to be the TE Moeaki catching a ball in open space then got a couple blockers in front of him and BLAZED the Tech defense for 54 yds.

Once Iowa had the lead, it was Kirk-ball at it's finest. Play defense, run the ball, and move the sticks. Nobody ran the ball better that night than Iowa's own "White Lightning" Brandon Wegher. He and Adam Robinson combined for 30 carries and 172 yds. No carry was more pivotal than late in the fourth quarter with the clock running and the Hawkeyes holding on to a slim 3 point lead, when the O-line just mauled Tech's defensive front and allowed White Lightning to scamper 32 yds for a "nail in the coffin" score.

As a fan watching this game, the types of images I will associate to the game will be of my Hawkeyes playing disciplined, guys like Clayborn and Angerer in Tech's backfield knocking guys around, Joe Cool Stanzi playing the game, and Kirk-ball winning the day. This was sweet, sweet victory for the Hawkeyes and the fans.