Monday, April 26, 2010

Movie review-Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call-New Orleans

I ain't gonna lie, my friends had to talk me off the ledge when I heard there was plans for another Bad Lieutenant movie. That school bus full of kids are grateful that the same friends manage to subdue me with ether when I found out Nic Cage got the lead. I was furious. To me, Harvey Keitel's Bad Lieutenant was untouchable...sacred...and now Wicker Man Nic Cage is going to walk in and period all over it???

Well, never in my life have I been more pleased to say how wrong I was. I had written Nic cage off and had viewed the studio's attempt at riding Keitel's coattails (see what I did there?) as a cheap, slimy trick to make a buck. Dear God, I was so wrong. I am so glad I shed my prejudice and watched this movie, it is amazing.

I give credit where credit is due, Nic Cage came out and fucked his performance into the skull of every viewer. Holy hot damn did that man put on a show! Even though I basically know dick about movies, my instinct says that Cage found himself a director that gets him, and vice versa.

Werner Herzog is a strange fucking dude. I can't rightly say if he is one of them whacked out geniuses or just whacked out, but the man encourages creativity in his movies, and it really shines in Bad Lieutenant. I personally feel this guy really challenged Cage on a level few have been able to reach him at in along time, and that is how we got the performance we did. Simply remarkable.

Also, looking back on the cast, it is simply chock full of ridiculous talent. Eva Mendes (who fucking did FANTASTIC), Val Kilmer, Brad Dourif, Fairuza Balk, just goes on and on. I mean, I guess it seemed to me that not only was it great that all of this talent was on board, but there were so many characters for the talent to fill out. I was never left wondering, "Who the fuck is this guy and why is he in the fucking movie?"

So, anyway, I could go on and on, but here is the summary of my position in this review:

  • I don't want to reveal anything plot-wise. The story is fucking great and deserves to be...experienced.
  • The acting and the characters are just...*mwa*, spot on.
  • The movie is inspired and creative and I love it.
In closing, I am proud to say I have my Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call-New Orleans DVD sitting proudly next to my old school Bad Lieutenant VHS tape (and now DVD...for longevity's sake). Two excellent, excellent movies with their own legacy.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

New Dream-Monty Benoit

So, in this dream, my wife and I were visiting friends out of town to attend a movie premiere for a new Monty Python movie. This movie had no title, but it was a collections of short comedy sketches. I can only remember two of the sketches, and will try to detail them the best I can:

Sketch 1-"Fishy, fishy, retard"-So, this was a redux of the classic "Fishy fishy" sketch, except it was a man trying to teach a retard the lines to the sketch and the retard kept saying "My tongue" instead of "fishy". Try to imagine this directed by Werner Herzog, and you will have it just about right. Also, there came a point in the sketch where the retard says something about "water", and then like a bunch of people in the audience get splashed with water.

Sketch 2-"The rent's due, mothafucka!"-A young lady can not afford her rent and goes to talk to her landlord, 3 middle aged women, about waiting to pay the rent. The older women decide she must work off her rent with lesbian sex. So, that's what they do, in graphic XXX cunnilinguity! The punchline to this skit? One of the older women kills another of the older women with a hammer at the end. WHA HA HAAA! Now that's funny!


After the movie, my wife and I retire to our luxury hotel suite that is, in reality, like a mansion. It turns out that we had each chosen separate bedrooms and were going to be sleeping apart. Well, after watching a 4 woman orgy at the cinema, I decided, "I don't care if she wants to or not, I am gonna go get me some pussy from my wife!" That's it, I had put my foot down!

I go up to her bedroom, and up and down the hall in all of the rooms she had set up close circuit television all playing the same violent pornography of a woman being abducted tied up and raped by two prison escapees. My wife then meets me, in the nude, in the hallway and says, "Pick the room you like, I will be right in. Start tying yourself to the bed."


So, as I start searching for the room, I get into this wandering labyrinth of hallways that eventually lead me to my hotel suite's private diner (yes, an entire diner for one couple). There are four employees, one cook and three waiters. The waiter that tried to seat me and take my order? Chris Benoit. He had grown out his hair and beard to look less conspicuous.

Monday, April 19, 2010

People NEED to Be Knowledgeable About Firearms

OK, this is a little different from what I usually post. You see, there was an article online about some dipshit kid that took a (thankfully unloaded) firearm to Iowa City High (my old stompin' grounds) last Friday, and I am just burned up mad like hell about it.

It's pretty hard to rile up my tidy whitey redneck righteous indignation, but kids doing stupid shit with guns is one really fucking fast and easy way to ENSURE to piss me off to high holy hell. Let me give you some background on my history with firearms:

I personally do not own any firearms of my own at this point. However, I am not opposed to the notion in the least. I grew up with firearms, my father owns several. My father taught my brother and myself extensively about guns and guns safety. In fact, we spent more time talking about guns and gun safety than we ever did actually shooting them.

My father made us demonstrate on any gun we were going to use how to load and unload it, how to tell when the chamber was clear, how to use the safety, how to clean the gun, etc. We had strict, ardent rules when in the presence of firearms. My father keeps his firearms securely locked up in a heavy metal cabinet with a 10-ton padlock. The ammunition is securely locked up separately in another cabinet.

So, even though I do not personally own a firearm now, I respect and understand them, and I know how to use a wide variety of firearms thanks to my father's instructions. You don't have to own a gun to "believe in" them. It wasn't until I was older that I realized how valuable the lessons about firearms he taught me were. He passed on to me the knowledge and wisdom of firearms...and they are not toys.

It's sounds so simple, but then I look at that article I mentioned earlier. That 15 year old kid more than likely took that gun from his dad. I just want to beat 'em both. Whether you agree with owning a firearm or not, and I respect the decision either way, I think it is fair to say that anyone that elects to own a firearm needs to damn well respect and understand firearms. Leaving a gun where a 15 year old has access is not understanding and respecting firearms.

Kid, you are damn fucking lucky you couldn't either get to or find the ammunition. You think you are in hot water now? Try 25-life.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

New Dream-Political Ejaculations

Well, the premise of this dream is rather simple...Hilary Clinton had me help her abduct Sarah Palin so we could have a nice, rapey threesome at a Motel 6. However, Hillary wouldn't let me stop until I had given them both cream pies.