Thursday, March 12, 2009

New Dream-"Trannysaurus Rex"


So, in this dream my brother and I are auto mechanics. We get a call that a woman has her 1986 Dodge Omni broken down on the interstate near the Hwy 1 exit (fuck you, I know where it is!). We actually walk out there with the idea that we will fix the car and drive it back to the shop (???).

As we approach the car, we can see her in the driver side using the mirror to do her make up. She sees us coming and gets out of the car. This is where my subconscious mind decides to prison rape me, be cause it was no woman getting out of that car, it was six foot two of crude ugly dude in a dress.

Now, many of has have seen crossdressers. Hell, some of them even look hot. Hell, some of them you don't even know about until they break up with you and explain why they always wanted it up the ass. Either way, this was NOT one of those trannies. This was fucking Red Grange in a dress.

Ultimately, the problem with the car was something ultra easy and we had it fixed in like ten minutes. We asked "Sheila" if we could drive it to the shop then she chould go on her way. My brother gets in the driver seat, I get in back, and Sheila gets in the passenger seat.

We no more than get 5 feet down the road, and "Goodbye Horses" starts playing on the radio. (Yes, the Silence of the Lambs dick tuck song.) My brother and I are fucking weirded out to the max, but we didn't want to suddenly change the radio station, so what do we do instead?

Dance in the car and sing-along-with-a-tranny.

There are bags full of dicks less ghey than that dream. Ugh.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Fucking ghey ass bullshit online drama


I fucking hate bullshit online drama. For those that don't know, I play a MMORPG (Lord of the Rings Online). If you don't know what a MMORPG, it's an online game where a bunch of people log on and try to kill each other with swords.

Occasionally, you end up making friends on these servers. If enough people play together they can make a group called a "kinship". It's basically like having a Klan meeting in the Honeycomb Hideout.

Anyway, furthermore, kins can get together and form "alliances", and that is where my lucky ass was stuck with this kin that had a loud mouthed asshole calling the shots. You invariably run into dickcheeseburgers on the net, but this guy's douche ubiquitousness was rubbing on my nerves.

So now the drama, one of the guys from another kin in the alliance said this guy was an asshole, so they all start fighting on MY kin's website about it. We politely try to tell them to fuck off and stop fighting in our back yard and they get all incredulous with US! Sorta like, "This is where we started it (for no apparent reason), and this is where we are going to finish it (even though you have politely tried to redirect us more than once)!"

Now, I actually fucking like the people in my kin. I have become friends with them, and my wife and my brother-in-law are members as well. The one drawback? They are kind of a "PG13" crowd. I am sure you don't have to read too much of this fucking blog of mine to ascertain that I am not much of a PG13 fucking person. Hell, on an average day I run "rated R for graphic violence, language, and explicit sexual content" baseline. I barely get to PG13 when I am high.

What this is all coming to was that we had loudmouthed jerkoffs on our message board fucking around and being all histrionic, and I had to sit back and fucking watch quietly while it was "diplomatically" dealt with. Since I was behooved to keep quiet there, I am venting all this bullshit no one but me will care about on my stupid fucking blog because unlike normal human beings, I like to fucking vent!

In fact, what I really felt like doing was grabbing numbnuts by the skull and dragging him off the message board, and fucking telling him not to open his fucking mouth again until he can act his goddamned age! Stuff the fucking "He said, she said" crap! You got called an asshole because you fucking act like one, shitdick! I don't fucking feel sorry for you, nor am I obliged to!

And to the rest of you that perpetuated the bullshit on our board and acted like we were pissing on your parade when we asked you to take it outside, I can only fucking say this: "Bravo! You did a great job of acting like adults with good judgment! You should be commended for your efforts for finding a quick and discrete resultion to an uneasy situation. Your ability to compose yourselves and act as adults was exemplary, and you are to be congratulated. Thank you so much for bringing all of your stink-ass fucking net-drama to a neutral site that wasn't even involved with the dispute and shitting all over our lawn only to wonder why we wanted you to leave. You are further to be monumentalized for your intellectual ferocity in determining the best course of action for civilized adults to follow."

Now, will all of you politely go fuck yourselves and kiss my ass on the way out? Thank you.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I never turn down a request for a blog post. Never.


One of my lifelong readers pointed out to me that I hadn't updated this in a while. I laugh at her sometimes when I see her body in the deep freeze. However, she made a good point, the world hasn't been too "Dirty" or "Hairy" recently, so I thought I would recount my latest dream, "Angelina Jolie and the Iowa Hillbillies":

There isn't much to this dream, but for those who enjoy a bit of schadenfreude, you can mock me as my mind torments and abuses me during this dream.

The scenario is that a family member of mine ends up marrying a family member of Brad Pitt's (a cousin's sister's brother sort of deal). Well, Brad, being the awesome guy he is, decides to come to Iowa and throw us a party! Rad!

So, we were to wait for them at a house they were renting. They explicitly instructed us to leave the lights off to avoid detection by paparazzi. (Dor sho gha!) In stark contrast to the warning, two gigantic Escalade limos pull up and he and Angelina Jolie get out and come in the house.

I am sitting in an easy chair with my wife directly across from me on the sofa. When Brad and Angelina come in, Brad takes his time introducing himself and mingling, but Angelina walks straight over behind my chair, leans over and starts whispering to me, "Ooo, I am glad there is someone that likes to have fun here!" She proceeds to start seductively rubbing my ears (much akin to Ferengi Oo-Mox). The whole time she is also whispering these little things to me about how much she likes me and can't wait to ditch the losers.

So, anyway, oddly enough my wife seems oblivious to this. Furthermore, Angelina sort of nods at Brad at some point and I look over at him. He winks and nods at me and Angelina starts giggling (in my dream, I interpreted this as his "ok" to bang her).

All of the sudden Brad claps his hands loudly and yells, "OK, gang! Time to go! Get in the limos!" Angelina leads me to one of the limos and gets in front. As I go to get in the back, it is filled wall to wall with Brad's new "extended family" (which should technically be my extended family, but wasn't). It was knuckle dragging, chaw spittin', McCain votin' hicks as far as the eye could see. I had to cram myself in back with some of the farm folk, and all of them started asking me questions about religions and politics. (Hey, where the fuck did Angelina Jolie seducing me go?!?!?!)

Fortunately the drive is short, and we end up at some kind of exclusive Hollywood club with rich snobs everywhere. My arrival was like the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Angelina was loooong gone by this point (curse you, subconscious mind!), and I was essentially abandoned alone at this glitzy club filled with posers. Maybe my mind can cook me up a machine gun to take furious vengeance upon these assclowns? No, I sit alone at the bar until the place closes, the end.

What a fucking blue-ballin' dream!