Monday, July 28, 2008

New Dream-Ain't It Shitty?

There really isn't much to this dream, but it does have a high concentration of unpleasant imagery.

I was supposed to be a swimsuit model for a "Big & Tall" magazine. I was basically in a thong. (I'm fat, BTK.)

*waits for laughter to subside*

I was at a pool in LA for the shoot, and Harry Knowles was directing it.

*waits for laughter to subside*

I was getting sunburned, and said I needed more lotion. Harry offered to do it for me.

After the shoot, we went to a "Topless McDonalds" where all the girls there are naked fat chicks. It was pretty cool.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I hope this fucking works

New Dream-"Kentucky Fried Feces"

Preface-back in the day, my brother worked (at KFC) with these two guys that were a homosexual couple. For the sake of brevity, we will just call them Perez and Hilton.

So, I had a dream that, for whatever reason, Hilton and Perez were in jail and I was going to visit them. However, they had turned their cell into an organic farm. Unfortunately, they were using their own "organic material" (feces) as their soil to plant things in.

They also were trying to physically alter their feet, trying to make them smaller by fastening sticks to their heels and the back of their legs in such a way that they were constantly forced to walk on their tippy toes. However, they were in constant pain and would often fall to the ground and remove the sticks. Then they would say, "OK, after we take a ten second break, we have to leave them on for AN HOUR STRAIGHT!"

Well, this provoked a fight between them, and they started throwing feces from the ground at each other. However, Perez threw a big chunk of shit that missed Hilton, and splattered all over the wall in an odd, almost artistic design.

When the guard noticed the fecal art, he set Perez free.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Big Fat Lesbian Druggie Truckstop Hookers

Before I get in to the nitty gritty of this post, I do want to put up a disclaimer, and it is mostly just for the sake of my parents: I don't hold a grudge for this shit I write about in this blog. I have done my counseling, and I am way past this crap. I don't "name names", but it does kind of suck to have our family's "dirty laundry" aired out like this, but fuck it. It's the truth and that is all there is to it.

Well, when I was 6 years old, my parents divorced. Subsequently, they both shacked up with some Grade A fucking dirtball losers. This is the story about the woman my dad shacked up with for a while, and if you have read the title of this blog, you can fucking guess what it is about.

We will call this woman Scuzz. She originally lived in apartment in a nearby town with her young daughter (about 8), Thumper, and her roommate, a woman I will call T Rex. Here is a brief intro to all 3 characters:

  • Scuzz was a fat truckstop hooker that was high 24-7 and practically sweat marijuana.
  • T Rex was about as feminine as a battle ax, and looked like the Brawny guy with long hair.
  • Thumper was a very confused and lonely little girl.
Later on, Scuzz came to live with us, and brought old T Rex and Thumper with her. The following days/weeks/(months?) are kind of a blur for me. Scuzz and T Rex had a habit of getting us three kids (myself, my little brother, and Thumper) high and sending us off outside and locking the door, or locking us in the bedroom alone. I can't remember for sure what all they got us high on (it was predominantly marijuana, but I suspect we were given LSD on at least two occasions).

Often when we were locked up high in the bedroom, Thumper would get completely naked and try to get my brother and I to emulate sex with her. She told us she learned it from the guys her mom brought home.

Scuzz was worthless. she would sit around naked all day, save for a sheet wrapped around her, and get high all day and night. Thumper wasn't enrolled in school, and T Rex was a world class bitch. Scuzz also liked to remind us how much she hated kids.

Fortunately, my dad came home from work early one day and found us locked out. He went inside to find Scuzz eating out T Rex with some John doing her from behind. She went bye-bye after that.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Biggest Douchebag/Smallest Dick Combo in the world!

There is a blog called "The World According To Bob". However, it should be called "The World According To An Underdeveloped Asswipe Manchild That Has A Micropenis And Blames Women For It".

Need proof?

Read this.

Bob, if you ever read this, email me. I will fight you.