Friday, May 30, 2008

My favourite weed story

One Sunday afternoon, my brother and I were watching some NFL football. Come half-time, we thought we would get blazed to watch the second half. We had scored a half ounce of some killer fucking hydro bud, and decided we would light it up in "The Tent".

The Tent was a small, dome-like, 2 man tent that would seat the two of us and give us enough room to hookah, bong, or whatever in there. For those not in the know, you would trap in the exhaled smoke and make a "hot box", where you are basically breathing hits of mary jane the whole time you are in it.

So, we blazed a big fatty bowl in our favourite bong, meditated for a while, waxed philosophical about metaphysics, and shit like that. Basically, blah, blah, blah stoned talk for what seemed like hours.

Eventually, it got kind of hot sitting in that tent, so I said, "Well, let's get out and see if anything is on tv?"

The fun thing about opening The Tent was watching all of the steamy smoke billow out and rise into the ceiling in patterns. This one was particularly frothy, and made big clouds in the basement where The Tent was situated.

So, we walk across the room and turn on the tv in the basement, it had been on the same channel we were watching upstairs. The game just got back from half time! WTF??? :D

Blood Books

Growing up, I had a cousin that was about 5 years younger than me (1 year younger than my little brother). For whatever reason, most of my family didn't like him, I am guessing it was because he was "developmentally challenged" (ok, he was "half-retarded", he could tie his own shoes and shit, but was otherwise dumb as a brick and had bevahioural issues), so anyway, my brother and I kind of took him under our wing when we were at family gatherings.

Now, when we were young (I would have been about 10-12), my cousin started to get a little weird. One day we were playing in the attic and he found some "romance novels" of my aunt's. Little fucker couldn't read, but he opened one up and said, "Oh yes...these are the...BLOOOOOOD BOOKS!" He went on to describe in horrifying detail how these Blood Books outlined the ritualistic killing of our female cousins.

So, yeah...Blood Books.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I fucking hate Neocons

According to Faux News, Rachel Ray supports terrorists because she wore a scarf in a Dunkin Donuts commercial. No, really.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

SATC fans are the Duras' of the human race.

Kahless hates you in advance if you go see the Sex and the City movie. He will turn you into something that looks like these loser/poser asswipes.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What. The. Fuck.

This is going to be an all time simplified post, because what the hell can you say about it?

Yesterday, I saw a woman pushing a baby stroller down a set of train tracks.

There's "drunk", and there's "T-Bone drunk"

Everybody knows at least one asshole that is the stinkiest, smelliest, rottenest drunk they know. This blog entry is dedicated to a human being that has exemplified Alcoholic Achievement in the state of Iowa: T-Bone.

Now, the picture here is not actually of T-Bone, but it may as well be. The actual difference between him and the man depicted are a few baths in the last year and about ten points of BAC.

You all might recall T-Bone from the "Candyland Dumpster Blowjob" story. He was the proud recipient of a hummer from a fat ugly slut in broad daylight 10 feet from the sidewalk next to a dumpster. Now that just screams, "CLASSY!"

T-Bone is always easy to pick out of a crowd, he is the guy with yellow glassy eyes that can barely stand, walks real fast then real slow, pisses himself, and tried to fondle your mother. He has that ominous "drunk slant" to him, like his BAC somehow helps him defy gravity no matter how far he leans to one side.

On no less than one occasion, T-Bone has done the following:
  • Slept on the floor in the back room of a bar.
  • Passed out on the toilet at the bar.
  • Been arrested for public intox AND indecent exposure simultaneously.
  • Caught by his girlfriend screwing a fat ugly whore with a moustache and forced to walk to his friend's house naked to get clothes after she kicked him out.
  • Has several drinks laying about the bar because he orders one, forgets about it (being so plowed), and orders another one and does the same thing.
The point I just cannot under-state is just how stinking fucking drunk he gets. He has literally had EMTs tell him he should be dead from his current BAC. This guy wakes up drunk like that time you had "the night you can't remember from Mardi Gras/New Year's Eve", and waddles his ass down to the tavern to hit it some more.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Worst Thing I Ever Did

My grandfather passed away when I was about 13 or so. He was a devout Catholic and had a Catholic funeral. For those who don't know the Psalms, let me summarize the "trouble area" relevant to this story.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

For most people, this wouldn't be a problem, but we are talking about a 13 year old boy whose head is filled with Beavis and Butthead. I didn't know what to do, I was going to start laughing uncontrollably!

So, doing only what I could sitting next to my stodgy, bitchy aunts, I covered my face and tried to contain the laughter as best I could. What I didn't realize was that it gave the appearance of me sobbing! My aunts thought I was crying over the loss of my grandfather, when in fact I was laughing my ass off at a funeral!!! They put their arms around me and said, "There, there...", and all of that good shit.

OH! It's not like the passage itself was bad enough, but you have to understand something about Father Robocop as well. Y'see, the Padre had a tracheotomy, and the only way he could talk was with one of them robot-voice things he held up to his throat.

Yes, I had Robopriest talking about his comforting rod that makes his cup overflow and rubbing oil on it. Just wow.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Dream-Natural Male Enhancement

There isn't much to this dream, but I did think it was damn funny.

I was mortally (terminally) ill in the hospital. However, the hospital was overcrowded and the only room available for me to stay in was where they perform the penis enlargement surgeries.

Let's just say it made for interesting diagrams on the wall.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Tah'Qeq (Fek'lhr's Bible)

Book of Kahless 1:1-Kahless is better than all gods, especially Jehovah (that has a neck like a stack of dimes and skinny weenie arms).

1:2-If you anger Kahless, he will forshak Gah Durchfall (translation: shit slithering diarrhea) on your chest.

1:3-When a bunch of sick people get together and pray, Kahless uses "sky magic" to heal them. You can tell it really happened because literally thousands of people were there and they were healed. This is on the internet, so it must be true.

Book of Fek'lhr 1:1-The Mighty Fek'lhr was chosen by Kahless to punish the dishonourable Klingon dead.

1:2-The Mighty Fek'lhr is the captain of the great space-heap IKC Grethor.

1:3-The Mighty Fek'lhr does not care that you are dead and dishonoured, He will mock and emasculate you all the same.

1:4-Wednesday night there is Bingo in the mess hall.

How The Universe Was Created 1:1-One day, after a heaping portion of beans, Kahless farted the known universe into existence. Scientists and theistic Klingon scholars alike call this, "The Big Bean Bang".

1:2-Kahless saw the bits of His forshak flying throughout space, and decided this was good.

1:3-After time, the bits of forshak gravitated towards one another, forming planets. Cosmic flies landed on these forshak planets and evolved into prehistoric, bipedal, ape-like creatures.