Friday, February 29, 2008

Top Ten-Chuckles the Clown 2!

For those not in the know, Chuckles the Clown was a local clown that got arrested (and eventually set free) because he was at the Wal Mart in Moline making balloon animals for kids on Cinco De Mayo with his dick hanging out of his clown pants.

This made me wonder, what nicknames does Chuckles have for his penis? Therefore, I am proud to present:


  1. Giggles (JHC)
  2. The Squirting Flower (Pauly)
  3. The Clown Car-You will be amazed at how much comes out of it! (Stoney)
  4. Midget Shooting Cannon (Crotchal)
  5. Chuckles' Rectal Thermometer (Eibmoz)
  6. Balloony Balogna (Flux)
  7. Chuckles' Whistle "Blow on it, kid!" (Fek'lhr)
  8. Mr. Microphone (Stoney)
  9. Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie (Pauly)
  10. The Mighty Fuk'lhr (Eibmoz)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The Ganja Brothers and the weed stories

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I belonged to an exclusive group called "The Ganja Brothers". There were but three of us, but that was because the strictest guidelines were kept for accepting a new member, and maintaining your membership.

The Ganja Brothers

  • Buddha-This was myself.
  • Cannabisaurus Rex-This was my little brother. (We called him that because he would blaze weed all crazy-like and nigger bowls of reefer.)
  • Dragon Boy-This was my brother's best friend. (RIP homie!)
Now, I could tell you all about our high exploits, but the better stories are of the fucking lame ass fucking losers that we smoked with a few times and how egregiously fucking heinous they were. So, I present you: Weed Bogarting Motherfuckers and How They Were Fucking Gay Loses!

  • When it comes to lame-ass weed smoking, you always have to start with Z the Stinge. This fucking kid would never pack a tight bowl of reefer (he would like sprinkle it in barely half way up), and would be unforthright with his stash. In fact, if it wasn't for his roommate narccing his ass out to us one time (the day Dragon Boy died), his punk ass wasn't even going to light us up in memory of Dragon Boy!
  • Another fucking thing Z liked to do was brag about his 4 foot bong. We heard about the fucking thing non-stop for like a month from his ass. He said he called it "The Lawrence" because after you took a hit from it, it made you say, "Whoah!" (Fucking fag!) So, C-Rex and I finally made it over (we made sure to bring our own weed to his stupid ass' house) to smoke off the 4-footer. I went first, and Z said he would torch the bowl for me (it is hard to reach, even with an "Aim'n'Flame"). As I start drawing, Z fucking starts venting out the chamber a little bit at a time. I took the hit, but immediately afterwards accosted his ass for bogarting my hit with air! Z said, "It makes the hit smoother!" BULLSHIT! C-Rex went next, I pushed Z the fuck out of the way so I could torch it proper like. That little fucking bitch Z couldn't even watch as C-Rex cleared all 4 feet of that muthafucker in one breath!
  • Then there was the Jamie-Lamie. He was this fucking kid that worked with C-Rex. One time he is over smoking with us (we always smoke someone up if they hooked us up), and he starts like "puffing" on our skull bong (our most bad-ass bong) and like all this smoke starts going everywhere and he doesn't clear it! We yell at him to clear, but he had frothed that mfer up so bad that he didn't even get 1/2 the fucking hit down before he started coughing and hacking. The rest of it all dissipated into the ceiling. Fucking asshole!
  • Then there was Suk Long Dong, this fucking guy lived with our main dealer and would smoke with us sometimes. We got an h/o and our dealer brought his bong out. We took a few hits, but it was pulling really rough. Suk Long Dong looks and the bowl is clogged with resin. So he starts torching the bowl and fills the bong chamber with all of this creamy white yummy resin smoke. Just when it looks like he is about to clear it and take to Mt. St. Helens of all resin hits, he fucking blows on the bowl and shoots all of the smoke up on the ceiling! Sometimes I laugh at him when I see his body in my freezer.
  • Finally, there was Big Daddy. He was a fucking idiot, but he bought weed from me every now and then, and would smoke me up. Well, one time C-Rex and I are over at Big Daddy's place (he lived with his parents, FAG!), and we make a gravity bong (sink full of water + 2 liter bottle with bottom cut out). We are all smoking helluhfine gravity hits and blowing major clouds of smoke. However, when Big Daddy takes his hit, hardly nothing comes out when he exhales. (???) Then all the sudden, he starts belching like he beer bonged Beast, every belch providing a huge wisp of weed smoke. Fucker had swallowed his gravity hit! Oh, btw, we called him Big Daddy because he was a needledick.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Chainsaw Gun

I had this great idea for a gun. It would be called the "Chainsaw Gun", and it would fire chainsaws at 100 rounds per second. The chainsaws would all be full size and running, and they would also be incendiary and chock full of sem-tex.

These guns would be useful for keeping neighbors off your lawn, clearing out parking spaces, "dispersing" riots, game hunting, expressing displeasure at an unfavorable employee review, breaking the ice with members of your family you don't like, silencing crowds, or making children cry.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Guest Commentary: The Mighty Fek'lhr's Snuff Film!

QAPLAH, forshak dwelling HaDiBahs! The Mighty Fek'lhr has graced your paltry existence with His excellence again!

For a long time, The Mighty Fek'lhr has had an idea for a snuff film that He has wanted to get off His chest. So, with no further interruption, The Mighty Fek'lhr presents: Honey, I BTK'ed the Kids!

Rod Firmcock had not been a Scoutmaster for a long time. In fact, this weekend was his first camping trip! Unfortunately, a recent outbreak of Hepatitis kept most of the boys at home, but little Tommy, Timmy, and Bert were all looking forward to learning about the Great Outdoors, Rod believed.

"Wow, Mr. Firmcock! Our campsite is out in the middle of nowhere! There must not be anyone around for at least a mile in each direction!"

"You might be right, Timmy! Hey, do you guys know what marijuana is?"

They all laughed and had a good time as Rod lit up the kids. It wasn't too long before he had them "licking the stamps". The boys were giggling and enjoying themselves, until...

"OK, boys, time to learn to be MEN!"

Rod entered the glow of the night campfire dressed in a large Garfield suit. He was holding a gun. Next to him was a box.

"Now, all of you put on your costumes, and no one gets hurt!"

Tommy freaked and was the first to die. The other two sobbed as they got into the garments. One was Odie, the other Nermal.

"You, dog! Get on all fours and bark!"

As Timmy dressed as Odie started 'Woofing', Rod blew his ass away.


Bert, dressed as Nermal, started crying.

"I guess that leaves only Garfield and Nermal! Time for the REAL FUN!"

Rod bear-hugs Bert and shoots himself in the head.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Trek Fest 2005

Trek Fest 2005 was bangin'! I just had to put up some of the r0XX0r pics I had!

The BONG! Movie Rating System

Qaplah, forshak lapping treacherous dogs, The Mighty Fek'lhr is here to share His mighty wisdom: The BONG! Movie Rating System! Dor sho gha!

BONG! with one exclamation point: It's not as bad as most of the qovlpathing forshak Hollywood pinches out for us to smell with undelight.

BONG!! with two exclamation points: You could go see this yIntagh movie, or you can stay home and watch Conan the Barbarian on DVD whilst slapping the salami.

BONG!!! with three exclamation points: If The Mighty Fek'lhr sees you in line for this movie, He will offer to kill you to spare your retinas and cerebrum the agony.

BONG!!!! with four exclamation points: Only Gay Handicapable Jewish Romulan tahQeqs will be interested in seeing this foshak pile of a movie.
BONG!!!!! with five exclamation points: Only fans of "The Hottie and The Nottie" need apply! QAPLAH!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Fuck the fucking Hiltons!

I really don't have shit to add to this, but I want to make it perfectly crystal fucking clear: If your last name is Hilton, do not come within 100 miles of Iowa City because I *WILL* find you and I *WILL* do horrible things to your cadaver. THINK ABOUT IT, MORONS!

Oh, uh, I made this post in response to Barron Hilton's DUI arrest. What a fag!



Top Ten-Chuckles the Clown

For those not in the know, Chuckles the Clown was a local clown that got arrested (and eventually set free) because he was at the Wal Mart in Moline making balloon animals for kids on Cinco De Mayo with his dick hanging out of his clown pants.

It made me wonder what else Chuckles had ever been arrested for. So, the following is the Top Ten Things Chuckles the Clown Has Been Arrested For:

  1. Craptastic says
    One time Chuckles got arrested after freebasing AJAX at a kids party, climbing into the bounce house, dropping trou, and doing the windmill with his semi-aroused member.
  2. anti-gravitational breasts says
    One time Chuckles drunk-drove his car through the atrium of an old peeps home. He stumbled out of the car and saw an old woman. She had a walker and was staring, mouth agape at his actions. In his inebriated state he thought she was some sort of grey-haired alien-machine hybrid. He picked her up and threw her through where his windshield used to be. He fist pumped the air and screamed "COWABUNGA! Clown victors unite!!!"
  3. Stone Soup says
    One time, Chuckles was arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct. He was found lying face up on a double yellow line in the middle of a busy highway. He was badly bruised, missing a shoe, and reeked of alcohol and Ajax. He was also crying.

    When the officers pulled him off to the side of the road, he told them that Kathleen Turner had assaulted him. After he was down on the ground, she pulled off his shoe, hit him with it several times, and then fled the scene - with the shoe.

  4. Jacktion! says
    One time, Chuckles huffed so much jenkem that he drove to the nearest mosque and declared that he was going to blow up the place in honor of Jeebus. He tore off his bathrobe to reveal sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest, He also revealed that he was naked and uncircumcized. When the police eventually caught him (after chasing him through a popular kid's playground), they discovered that it was actually hot dogs taped to his chest.
  5. Stone Soup says
    Chuckles was arrested for clubbing Heidi Klum's children.
  6. bryce says
    One time Chuckles punctured his penis with a used hypodermic needle and then went to various playparks trying to convince children that he had been bitten by a snake and to 'suck the poison out' to save his life. It took the police 3 months to catch him.
  7. Watanabex says
    While working for a Brunch Benefit at St. Ambrosious School for Special Children, Chuckles became mesmerized with the wooden ceiling fan and its rat-tat-tat-tic sound after leaving a balloon giraffe without a neck fall to the floor.

    For about 2 minutes he just stood there staring at the fan, the audience thought he was doing some avant gard Kauffman type of comedy bit, but Chuckles just sat there staring at the fan.

    At exactly 12:37 he screamed at the top of his lungs, a demonic howl, and then madness, "My Name is Legion!!" he screamed and started kicking children in the head, he started to choke the nurse who had run up to him, to stop the madness and was tazered by local guards.

    Chuckles proceded to masturbate furiously and chase the poor children around the lunch room.

    it was at that moment that Chuckles was shot twice in the back by Arizona Police officers.

    Chuckles jumped through the window and drove off into the arizona desert in his old 1983 Pinto.

    In chuckles bag, police found a can of Ajax, cut out pictures of Jennifer Aniston, 2 carrots and a National Treasure 2 commemorative big gulp cup.
  8. Pauly Dangerously says
    Chuckles once did shrooms at a hotel, started the trip and then threw a plate of room service spaghetti that was left out for the cleaning crew all over the walls in the hallway, and when he was chased by security he jumped off the first floor onto the roof of a rental car and caved it in busting out all the windows. Then, he jumped into his 1971 Ford Thunderbird and drove onto the I-10 freeway to escape. When he got off on an exit, he was approached by a hobo who asked for change. Chuckles said "Go around to the other door, this window doesn't work" and when the bum was in front of his car he ran him over. True Story
  9. chodin says
    Chuckles once sucked on a child's penis so hard that grape pedialyte came out.
  10. Jacktion! says
    Chuckles killed Pimp C.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Crocs are teh ghey

Since I kinda dursted my blog with hat last post, I am going to butch it up with some "fur lined crocs".

I got this ad from the big men's store. It was fucked up enough to almost make me want to go on a diet.


Dream-Clown Hick Pedophile Kidnapper Family Man

I am going to attempt to reconstruct this dream to the best of my ability, but it was a very long and complicated dream, and there were some very unpleasant points in it. Please do not read on if you are easily upset.

The dream starts with a group of kids and a clown, apparently at some kind of carnival or something like it. The kids are all very young, 3-5 years old. The clown has a small vehicle that is made up to resemble a "choo-choo" train for kids to ride on. He has about 6 kids on this train ride, and he says something to the effect of, "Hey kids! We can ride the train to my house and make cotton candy! I bet you all would like that!"

The clown takes the train to a run down house at a dead end street. It is surrounded by a fence with barbed/razor wire at the top. He stops the train right in front of a small opening in the fence, and immediately a few of the kids start crying. The clown starts yelling, "Shut the fuck up you little shits! Get the fuck in there or I will kill you and your family!"

Once they get to the house and open the door, it is horrific inside. There are all kinds of bizarre and frightening contraptions with buckles, straps, and cuffs. The house is dingy and littered. The clown has taken off his suit and make-up and looks like a tall, skinny, inbred hick. The children are frightened, as if they have some innate sense of their fate.

It is here that the dream starts taking snapshots along a timeline that covers probably 5 or so years. The children, an even mix of boys and girls, undergo a brutal and violent regimen of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. The man that abducted them is psychotic. He raves to them about how he is going to be the leader of the new world. When he isn't abusing the children, he is training them in bizarre military tactics.

The man sometimes gets visitors, some are permitted inside to do what they want with the children. In fact, one man that visits resembles a young Charles Manson. Charles and the man rape and kill an infant in a high chair.

When the children are old enough to start puberty, the man moves them into a trailer out in a desert in the middle of nowhere. At this point a few other, younger children have since joined them. During the move to the desert, one of the younger children actually gets away and hides from the man. He apparently escapes but it never heard from again.

Keep in mind during all of this time that the abuse and bizarre military training continue, as do the visits from strange people. The man tries to make this outward appearance for himself of a country bumpkin that likes to play the banjo, and that he and the kids are a happy family. He makes videos of himself playing the banjo and tries to sell them.

A day comes where one of the older boys (seemingly 13 or 14) is being yelled at by the man from another room to go in and strap himself in to one of the "rape machines". The boy somehow refuses, and in a rage the man comes charging at him. However, the man trips on something and falls, hitting his head and getting stunned.

The boy jets. He runs like fucking crazy outside and away from the house, though he has no idea where he is or where he is going. He looks back and sees that the man has got back up and is chasing him. The boy runs faster and faster. As he is running, he approaches a cliff. He looks back to see the man closing in on him, so his mind is made up. He doesn't even look, he jumps.

Below him is a gigantic body of water (presumably an ocean). The boy falls for along time before he plunges very deep into the water. He goes so deep that he can see under the cliff face, and there are creatures underneath. One is a gigantic, shark-like creature that swoops right in and bites the boy in half from the waist down. crimson fills the water around him, and then a gangrenous, fetid zombie-like creature pounces on the remains of the boy and quickly devours him.

The man had jumped in as well and saw the fate of the boy. He resurfaces and the coast guard saves him. He describes that one of his sons got lost and died horribly and he was grieving. That take him home with little question or investigation.

Finally, the day comes where the man hatches his "master plan" to dominate the world. he takes all of the children into town and leaves them in pairs at various "strategic locations". They are to wait where he leaves them until he gives his signal. But something happens, the man gets a "message" from the devil. Satan speaks to the man from a fireplace, using the glowing embers and flame as a face. Satan tells the man, "I look forward to seeing you soon. Neither you or I have a doubt you are going to Hell. However, Hell keeps a secret place of sacred punishing flames for sinners like you. You are going to burn in my select fires, a fate far worse than most residents of hell. I will be personally watching over your torment for eternity."

Then, as if possessed, the man drives home and starts pouring gasoline all over himself and the house. When he sets himself on fire. a flame shoots up so large that it can be seen for miles and miles.

The children innately know that it is the end of their captor. They all find each other in that small town, but none of them speak.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Fucking Retarded Drivers Need To Die

Whereas I do not believe Iowa hosts the worst drivers in the nation, I do believe Iowa drivers, as a whole, qualify as "woefully retarded". I have about a thousand examples I could give (like people that drive slow getting in a passing lane on the interstate and initiating a massive "Clusterfuck On The Mountain" because they won't just speed up and get past the tractor/trailer rig that somehow managed to be going slower than them), but I want to talk a little about one I notice every day on my drive to work.

Iowa City natives will be familiar with the stretch of road I am going to discuss, but for the uninitiated, here is a brief summary: We have only one major road in the middle of town that goes far enough north to hit the interstate, Governor Street/North Dodge Street. You see, Governor St. is a one way that head north though town and eventually merges with the north-bound lane of Dodge, before Dodge splits off into a one-way heading south.

North Dodge St. (northbound) only goes a couple of miles before you hit the interstate. The first mile is mostly residential (25 mph), and then there is a more commercial/industrial jaunt before the interstate (45 mph).

NOW! The thing that irritates me to no end is that in the first mile (residential) people will drive real aggressive and shit and speed (35-40 mph). It is like Godzilla is chasing them.

Then we come to the 45 mph zone! It has a long, straight, DOWNHILL lane for a mile before you reach a light. You are in the clear! Nothing but smooth sailing! Take a guess how fast we go then?

35-40 mph.

I just don't get it! It's not like they put up speed traps there, I have never even seen a cop patrolling the road. Yet, these chest thumping morons feel compelled to just be shitty and fucktard stupid from point A to point B no matter where they are going or what the fuck they are doing. It is like they are completely unaware and/or apathetic to where they are or what they are doing. It is as if they are happy with the little pigpen they have built themselves and want to just squalor in it.

In closing, just shit or get off the pot, people. It is morning rush hour. It is not for the weak of mind. If you cannot operate your motor vehicle like God might have given you a functioning brain, then just stay the fuck off the road until 9am.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Top Ten...

We all fondly remember Orko from our childhood cartoon, "He-Man". Orko was the friendly and funny little floaty alien thingy that sucked at magic, but knew He-Man's secret. Actually, he probably knew a few secrets about He-man that we just don't even want to think about.

The one amazing aspect of Orko was all of the wild and zany things he could pull from his magic hat! But, what if something were to go tragically wrong during casting? Orko could end up holding an item a child doesn't need to see until they sneak a peek at their old man's pornos when they are 8 years old.

It is in that vein that I offer the following:

The Top Ten Things No One Needs To See Orko Pull Out Of His Magic Hat, Ever

  1. A dead, smelly aborted fetus. (Well, unless he is trying to prove a fucking point like those twisted fucking "Pro-Lifers".)
  2. A rectal thermometer and a jar of Vaseline. (Does Orko even have an ass? How does he shit? How does he get raped?)
  3. Several lengths of rope and a rusty butcher knife. (Presumably to BTK Teela.)
  4. "Lost" on DVD. (Nobody needs to be subjugated to that crap.)
  5. Alien brains and/or assorted innards. (If he were to reach in just a little too far...)
  6. The Dukes of Hazzard (Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse, Cooter, and Daisy). (What were they doing in there???)
  7. Skeletor's Porno Collection. (There just couldn't be anything unharmful to human psyche in there...I have to imagine there is at least one of those breast cancer self-examination pamphlets.)
  8. Raw meat of any kind. (Raw meat is bad enough by itself, but once you get Orko's grungy little hands with alien germs molesting it....ugh!)
  9. Worn panties. (I guess some guys like it. They will buy panties worn by women and do heinous things with them. However, this particular set of panties will look like a parachute that a T-Rex vomited chocolate by the gallon down the back of. Mental image!)
  10. Cringer's severed head. (Hey! All that fucking cat ever does is whine and fucking mope! HE HAD IT COMING!)

The Ted Levine Effect

Even though Silence of the Lambs came out almost 20 years ago, Ted Levine's character, Jaime "Buffalo Bill" Gumb, has left an indelible imprint on the psyche of moviewatchers that will outlast him and all of us.

To this day, even people that were adults when they first saw SotL are haunted by the memory of Buffalo Bill in a dank, dingy cellar...holding a screaming girl captive whilst sewing up a suit made of human skin to make him a "woman".

No one can listen to "Goodbye Horses" without being reminded of the shock of seeing a grown man on cinema dancing with his dick tucked between his legs.

Ted, as a fan of cinema and a fan of "mindfucks", I salute you. Your performance was brilliant, and we all hate you for it. Well, in a way.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Cunt Trumpet

Pete Wentz is a lousy cunt trumpet. It's his fault that we are subjugated to shitty music, Cloverated, and pictures of him with Ashley Simpson. If you don't know who he is, I salute you. However, for those of us unfortunate enough to know of his paltry existence, I offer the following in tribute: Reasons Why It Is Better That That Cunt Trumpet Pete Wentz Wasn't In Flash Gordon (1980) {BTW, if you haven't seen that Flash Gordon movie, you are worse than Pete Wentz. Hell, you are worse than Ann Coulter.}

  • If Pete Wentz did that trial of the venomous tree stump creature thingy from Flash Gordon, he would lose on the first try. That venomous tree stump creature thingy can really hone in on limp wrists wearing CK.
  • If Pete Wentz was a bird-man from Flash Gordon, instead of hawk wings he would have peacock tail.
  • Pete Wentz would have gone into outer space with Dr. Jerkoff Zharkov willingly.
  • If Pete Wentz was riding the Rocket Scooter from Flash Gordon, it would have had those frilly things on the handle bars.
  • Instead of impaling Ming on the end of the spaceship, Pete Wentz would have flown the fucking thing up his own ass.
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, he would have got in a pillow fight with Ming's slutty daughter.
  • If Pete Wentz fought Timothy Dalton on that floaty spikey thing, Tim would have slammed his candy ass on the spikes, but instead of Pete's eyes and tongue oozing out of his head (like Metal Face Guy), cum would start bubbling out of Pete's ass.
  • If Pete Wentz was lowered into that swamp cage with the freaky aliens, he would have said, "Eeeeewwww, grody!"
  • If Pete Wentz would have been on that little plane at the beginning of Flash Gordon with Flash and Dale, he would have tried to suck off Flash, and tell Dale, "I saw him first, bitch!".
  • Pete Wentz did the make-up for them midgets that were dressed in tin foil and on leashes in Flash Gordon.
  • Pete Wentz would have wanted to be the "tight end" when Flash started playing football with the guards.
  • Pete Wentz was the only one in the galaxy that wasn't turned on when Ming used his magic to make Dale dance and move all sultry and slutty.
  • That floating robot sentry thingy would have had to disintegrate the vibrating butt plug Pete Wentz was concealing.
  • If Pete Wentz used that mental telepathy "CB Radio" thingy from Flash Gordon, he would have transmitted how hot he was for Ming to Dale, and followed it up with, "Bitch, puh-leeze!"
  • Flash was very appreciative that Metal Face Guy didn't let Pete Wentz visit him in the dungeon.
  • Ming's slutty daughter was amazed at the number of venereal diseases Pete Wentz had that she didn't. Most of them were from buttfucking, she presumed.
  • Flash would have gone his whole life without knowing what "shmegma" was, if not for Pete Wentz.
  • That leader of the Hawkmen refused to carry Peter Wentz on his back.
  • No matter how hard he tried, Pete Wentz couldn't sneak into Ming's bedroom as "one of his concubines". Those floaty robot sentry thingies can detect teh ghey.
  • Flash once mistaked Pete Wentz for Dale. Of course Pete didn't complain when Flash slipped him the salami.
  • Dr. Zharkov made Pete Wentz turn out the lights when they "did it" because he didn't like Pete's uncut cock.
  • Pete Wentz felt that Queen's music for the movie was a little too hetero.
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, he would have shot down Metal Face Guy with three snaps in a "Z Formation". GINGER SNAP!
  • Pete Wentz helped Dr. Zharkov decode the special formula for making Astroglide.
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, he would have tried using Ming The Merciless' magic ring as a cock ring, but it would just slide off too easily.
  • If Pete Wentz had been in Flash Gordon, Munson would have joked to Pete that is was "no mere coincidence" he was in the episode of Cagney and Lacey titled "Date Rape".
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, we would have been the only one to wear more eye make-up than Max Von Sydow or "Ming's Slutty Daughter".