Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Well, I had an interesting dream last night! In this dream, I was invited to a "swingers group" by Katie Holmes (an actress). I wouldn't say I have got it hot for her or anything, but she ain't exactly ugly. So we go to this weird "sex club" to orgy with the freaks. It had a little bit of everything there, including several "racks" to tie people down to.
Katie chooses a device that ties you up so you are like restrained under this table, and locks me up in it (call me, ladies!). Then she goes and finds this fine looking red head, and they open a suit case filled with lingerie and dress each other up. After they are all purtied up, they make out hot and heavy, until they are next to me on the floor "scissoring*" each other like a foot from my face.
After Katie gets off, she stands up and pulls this lever that gets me from laying on my back to an upright position. Then she walks over and gets on her knees in front of me. The table I was under gets sort of flattened against my chest, and a compartment opens up at my crotch so my schlong is exposed.
Katie whips out my pecker (Kahless, I love my fucking dreams...my dick is always so fucking gigantic in them. I had a dream once where my dick was so long I could throw it over my shoulder. As it was, it was baseball bat sized in this dream.) and she starts going down on me.
Unfortunately, my subconcious mind decides to fuck with me here, and every time I looked down Katie's face got more and more masculine. After a short while it looked like it was fucking Kevin Sorbo blowing me. Not good.
The good news is that I didn't pop on Hercules, so it wasn't gay.
FUCK YOU! I wasn't the one with a dick in my mouth!
Anywho, we will call that the 99.9% good dream.
*in case you are too retarded to know what scissoring is, it's girls grinding pussies
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
OK, so when I am not impersonating Klingons and hating mankind, I actually have a soft spot. I love animals. This is a picture of myself with my friend's new (at the time) puppy. This picture has to be pushing ten years old.
Oh, and that POS Chevy Beretta in the back? That was the car my brother and I called the "Millennium Falcon" (or just "Falcy"). There wasn't anything real special about that car, but boy could it move!
So...I will go find a senior citizen to verbally berate and blog about it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
ROFLKOTAL! Wouldn't it be funny if someone named their child, "Adolf Hitler"? Think of all the hilarious antics that could and would ensue!
And they wonder why the grocery store didn't want to make a cake with the child's FULL name on it?
These forshak-hut dwelling yIntaghs need to go breed themselves to extinction. Wow, great shock value you have going there, Ace, you and your little family of Nazi children! Oh, did I forget to mentions that little Adolf's sister is "JoyceLynn Aryan Nation", and their fuckwad father likes to proclaim his German heritage by wearing "a pair of black boots he said were worn by a German soldier during World War II". Oooooooo...PROFOUND!
Listen, dicktucker, this doesn't make you "original" or a visionary. You want to shake up some social boundaries? Start doing birthday parties in orphanages and Ronald McDonald Houses as a clown named "Child Killing Pedophile". Be sure to include a sexually themed balloon animal routine, pictures of the Holocaust, and lots of "nigger" jokes.
By Kahless' Beard, but do they grow these humans stupid these days!
Friday, December 12, 2008
To the tune of "Sinbad the Sailor":
He's Feklahr the Mighty, so hearty and hale,
He bangs big ol' fatties the size of a whale.
He's a whale of a manwhore! (that's not a bad joke);
The captain of Grethor is this baktag bloke.
Who's the most un-Romulan extraordinary warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
He abducts cheerleaders in a van on a whim.
But chicks from the sticks?--they all fall for Him!
He severs craniums wherever they're found.
He does mean to brag, folks, cuz He killed a clown.
Who's the most qovlpathal extra-special kind of warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
From the Valley of Serpents these dildos He took!
He rubbed one out with one dirty book!
Now look at this boner, so strong and so huge!
He'd frighten King Kong, but it's only His spooge!
Using vibrating anal eggs is just fun;
Whoever said burns scars were suited for none?!
Who's the most depraved, sex-starved, extra-horny warrior?
Youse! Feklahrs the Mighty!
On one of His travels, He ran into this:
Now there was a thrill He'd be sorry to miss!
Grace00 spread out her legs, and the sunlight grew dim.
The stench of tuna pie overwhelmed Him!
Who's the most forshakkable extraordinary warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
Who's the ice cream truck driving, child abducting warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
He's afraid of robots, bugs, clowns, and nuns!
All He says is, "Bah!" to shoot photons from guns!
Who's the questionably masculine, extra macho warrior? WHO?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I am going to make a long story short. For those of my readers that do not know, I have a cousin that is about 6 years younger than me and he is "developmentally challenged". (To abbreviate, the guy is half-retarded.) Now, with that said, I love the guy. He has one of the biggest hearts of any of my family members, and he has had a lot to overcome in his young life (in addition to any cognitive disabilities) and is doing as well as could be hoped, and I feel he is prospering in his situation.
Recently, our grandmother passed away. My cousin was very close to her, and he was very distraught, very sad. Hey, it's understandable, I was so upset I took a day off of work to grieve. Sure, grandma was old and the sun had set on her time on Earth, but I was sad, and my cousin was very sad.
At the funeral, when the service was over and it was time to close the casket, my cousin became very upset and started crying. I went over to him for moral support, and shortly after his mother and (what I assume was) a family friend rushed over to my cousin and got in his face with, "Don't do this, we should be happy for Grandma! She is with God now! Stop crying and pray with us!", etc., etc.
I was livid. The fucking guy was grieving the loss of his grandmother. Regardless of the perspective anyone else hammers it into, straight up, the dude was sad. How are you going to tell a grown man (despite his disabilities) in front of the whole family to "Stop crying, it's not doing any good, NOW PRAY!"???
Real constructive use of your religion there, you sanctimonious fucking half-wits. The kid has enough fucking problems in his life, the last thing he fucking needs is intellectually repressed heathens force feeding fucking Christian indoctrination! Leave the guy the fuck alone you fundie fucknuts!
Then again, that is what you animals do best, isn't it? Kick the guy when he is fucking down. All I can say to that is, you better watch out for when these people decide to kick back, you fucking worthless pricks.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
For those that don't know, I am a regular on the Evolution Debate thread of Topix. I usually just hang out and and blast the fundies that try to "disprove" evolution, and I even inadvertently manage to make a point from time to time.
Well, for the past few months we (being the rational minded people of Topix) have been bombarded with retardation by a fundie named Wilson (I call him Failson, because he is so full of fail). Failson is a Jehovah's Witness (remember what I said about "fail"?). In one of his raving ratns of lunacy, Failson asserts that people that don't accept God have no moral compass, then he posted this beaut:
"SEE IF YOU REALLY KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG!
How could you, the evolutionist/atheist, know what is morally acceptable behavior - right from wrong?"
He goes on to list...um..."things" (which are itemized below) and tells us, "NOW - take the time, fellas, and pick from this list the ones that are unacceptable behaviors."
I responded, but I would like to expound upon my response in my own Klingon-esque fashion (and in a forum without a profanity filter). So, without further ado, I presnt, "Failson's Questionable List of Questionable Behaviour":
Lesbianism-Right out the gate, the fundie goes for homosexuals! Do I care about rugmunchers? No. PASS.
homosexuality-Ditto, minus the rugmunching.
pornography-Especially with lesbians!!! (I guess I care about lesbianism more than I thought!)
NAMBLA-No thanks, I prefer people to have consenting adults as partners. Besides, just what the fuck is Failson arriving at, here? The only people that find NAMBLA "acceptable" are child rapers! You can say that sets up a false dichotomy, but you have it coming, pederast!!!
lying-my mom taught me better, no
insurance fraud-more lying, so no
crass commercialism-what the fuck, Failson? Does he mean having Britney Spears in Pepsi commercials?
justice for the rich-well, I believe in justice for all, so the rich are included. And what is with the phrasing of this question? Does being rich somehow exclude someone from getting a fair shake? OJ SImpson was rich and he was fairly acquitted of murder!
Anyway, moving along...
political intrigue-sounds fun! What the hell does it mean? Where does he get this shit? "Political intrigue"...like in the movies?
price gouging-Boo! Who the fuck likes price gouging (other than the people that profit from it)?
permissiveness-Huh? One of the definitions is "tolerance". I would have to say that is acceptable.
fornication-YES. Notice how he had to space out sexually themed topics?
uncleanness-Huh? How "unclean" are we talking?
loose conduct-Dude, what the fuck? "Loose conduct"? Like quote mining and cherry picking credible scientific sources to misconstrue them to appear as if they support Creationism?
idolatry-I like Billy Idol. (Seriously, though, what planet does this guy live on? Oh, wait, Jehovah's Witness...)
practice of spiritism-Sure, whatever the fuck that means you fundie retard.
enmities-On second thought, I guess it would be hypocritical of me to downcast hostility
strife, jealousy, fits of anger-In general, I am opposed to these types of things in interpersonal relations. However, I feel anger often has a constructive place. I feel that there are things we SHOULD be angry about (like Christian Fundamentalists trying to rewrite science with theistic doctrine).
contentions-If you go through your life without making ANY contentions, you are officially SPINELESS.
divisions-Like the NFC North? What the fuck is your damage, Failson?
sects-Whatever, how is this a "behaviour"?
envies-Are you making shit up? Wouldn't this fall in the aforementioned "jealousy"?
drunken bouts-The more the merrier! Drive yourself home afterwards, too!!!
greed-Is he expecting someone to say, "I have no problem with greed!"?
white slavery-A. "No" to ALL slavery B. What the fuck? What planet does th...oh, JW...
reviling-Another form of abuse, and the answer is still "no".
frivolous lawsuits-no (Does he expect any of these last 3 to have people pronouncing their acceptance of such things?)
violent entertainment-Is there any other kind? And just how "violent" are we talking? PG13 action movies with guns and swearing, or snuff porno films?
public nudity-I think it should be mandatory world-wide.
dope dealing-Someone has to sell it. Seriously, though, supply will always meet demand. Drug dealers are NOT the thing we need to be worrying about.
home invasion-...no (Oh, wait! I mean YES! Please invite yourself in and tell me about your religion!)
child pornography-no (consenting adult thing again...child raper thing again)
gun running-is this like running with scissors (no)
premarital and extramarital sex-Yes to the first, no to the second
foul language-what the fuck are you talking about?
unjust profit-unjust in and of itself gets a "no" from me
deforestation- no (and I prefer defenestration)
spousal assault-no (Again, this is a form of abuse)
drug abuse-no (recreational use ok)
prostitution-consenting adults, yes
abortion on demand-It will never happen. Not even under Obama, freak.
legal maneuvering-happens all the time
rebellion-Where the fuck would this counrty be without rebellion? Ask Ben Franklin and Martin Luther King, Jr.
insubordination-Ditto to above.
murder-I believe murder is always wrong, but killing is sometimes justified.
And there we have it! Failson's awesome list to gauge how "moral" you are. Hope you enjoyed the retardation and the Jehovah's Witness artwork! QAPLAH!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I am not going to say a lot about this painting...because, just...wow. A fundie posted this online and it made it's way to Fundies Say the Darndest Things. The painting is just incredible. It is like a blood sacrifice to shitty art. (Why does that baby have no hands?)
Anyway, read the article if you want to, but it is all nonsense. This painting is revolutionary. I am brimming over with jealousy at the audacity of the artist. From a creative standpoint, this painting is like fucking a jar of honey, then being tied down and red ants being let loose on you.
Oh, and my good friend elle0 pointed out, "Why is the doctor only killing the crying babies?"
(In case I need to explain, the painting was posted first, a clever member of the FSTDT community made the poster)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Editor's note-No one is more surprised than I to see Melissa Midwest mentioned in this blog.
So, I was dreaming that I was in a video game, and that I was about to face a boss fight against a vampiress with 147,000 hitpoints. When I entered the inner sanctum to battle her, I was face to face...with Melissa Midwest (if you don't know who that is, Google an image search for her at work with the family filter turned off).
There she stood, Melissa Midwest. Fanged, ready to fight, and...pregnant? Yes, I was about to do battle with a pregnant vampire Melissa Midwest that had 147,000 hitpoints.
We engage and fight brutally for a while, and after I beat her down to near death, she quickly escapes to an antechamber. I follow her, and she is on a bed in labour pains. Between her hard breathing, she told me the two following stories:
"My birthing will be like the diarrhea that will destroy mankind! I will give birth to unspeakable evil that will grow and thrive and kill all. Within my birthing diarrhea will be the end of civilization as you know it!"
Editor's note (take two)-I put emphasis on the word "diarrhea" because during her speech, pregnant vampire Melissa Midwest seemed to feel it was necessary to accentuate that word in particular.
After her apocalyptic rant, she filled me in on a little medical history:
"Mortal, did you know that even up to the 18th century that French doctors would take a newborn baby and swing it VIOLENTLY by the umbilical cord to get every last nutrient from the mother to the child?"
Fortunately, at this point my cat walked across me and woke me up from this dream.
Friday, October 17, 2008
To save the last piece of cheese on Earth from being destroyed, Dr. Feelgood had it encased in chrome. However, when the cheese was irradiated by SPACE RAYS, it mutated and evolved into the living creature known as CHROME PLATED CHEESE!
Upon becoming a sentient being, Chrome took up a job in Mexico as a private detective.
Chrome is a spinoff of a comic character I made in my youth named, W.I.T (Weird Is Terrific). I used to draw Chrome on the back of all my high school homework...instead of actually doing the homework.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
You want to know when we are fucked as a society? When people start thinking and believe that a child's doll sends Islamic and/or Satanic messages that corrupt children.
I am going to completely bypass the idea that a doll that supports Islam is no worse than the multitude of Christian themed toys, and just say to these people that they need to fuck off and die.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I have this large, heavy hammer at home. There really isn't that much special about it at first glance, but when I am holding it I feel invincible.
The term "Grond" is derived from Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion. In a nutshell:
The first Grond appears in The Silmarillion. In the First Age, Grond was the great mace of Morgoth Bauglír, the first Dark Lord, who wielded it when he fought with Fingolfin, High King of the Noldor Elves. With every blow from the mace that struck the ground, a crater was formed. Morgoth managed to kill the High King, but not without receiving seven wounds himself.
The second Grond appears in The Lord of the Rings. During the The Siege of Gondor in the Third Age, a great battering ram was named after the mace. A hundred feet long with a head shaped like a snarling wolf, it was used in the siege of Minas Tirith, pulled by "great beasts" (probably Oliphaunts, called that just a few sentences earlier) and operated by mountain-trolls. Aided by spells laid on it by the Witch-king of Angmar, lord of the Ringwraiths, and the spells cast upon it during its forging in Mordor, Grond destroyed the formidable gate of Minas Tirith in just three blows. After it had been used, it was pulled back so the forces of Mordor could enter the city. After this nothing more is known about it.
In some illustrations, the phrase "Hammer of the Underworld" is taken literally and Grond is erroneously depicted as a war hammer. [ed.-Hey, fuck you!]
Now we know who Grond is and why He is so great, I do believe I promised all of you a song! (I apologize in advance, it is fucking terrible. Really!)
GROND! GROND! GROND!
He's our friend! Friend! Friend!
What a friend! GROND! Friend!
He's our GROND! Friend! GROND!
Friday, September 26, 2008
I am not going to bore you with the benign details of this dream, and get right to the facial!
In my dream, I was in a situation where these two girls were fighting in a locker room (Kahless, I love me!), and one girl was drowning the other in the sink, so I ran up behind her and screamed, at the top of my lungs, "CUNT PUNCH!!!" (think Goku and KA-MAY-HA-MA-YAAAAAAAH!), and uppercutted her right in the fucking tuna pie!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
My dream takes place before the events of Silence of the Lambs, in fact before poor hapless Jame Gumb even killed his first victim.
Jame was a quiet little homosexual man that liked to cross dress and had just found a new boyfriend. He was trying very hard to impress and turn on this (nameless, in my dream) man, he really liked him a lot.
Well, one night Jame dressed himself up pretty in red lingerie, lipstick, and a short blonde wig so the nameless man could take pictures while he posed for him.
The photoshoot was going well, and Jame was sure the nameless man was enjoying his posing, until, inexplicably, the nameless man became angry and started shouting angrily at poor, timid little Jame:
"No! NO! Fuck it, Jame, you just don't fucking get it! You are fucking terrible, no matter how hard you try, you are just an ugly guy writhing around on the floor like a slut! You disgust me, you could never be a woman, you are too fucking ugly! I fucking hate you!"
The ranting went on and on as Jame was crying, the nameless man kept screaming at him, "Go ahead and cry like a woman, Jame, but you will never be one! You are an ugly man dressed like a bitch!"
At some point, Jame stops crying...or maybe "Buffalo Bill" stopped crying, he stands up and strangles the nameless man to death.
I got the idea from this dream it may have been a "turning point" in Jame Gumb's life.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
When I was a lad, I had this Burger King doll. My brother and I hated it with a fiery red hot passion. We would actually spend violent sessions beating this toy with branches, dropping it off of buildings, throwing it at walls, "force feeding" it dogshit, and hanging it from a tree.
We didn't like calling it Burger King, so we named him "Overflood Silas".
DON'T JUDGE ME!
Friday, August 29, 2008
All righty, true believers, I had two more noteworthy dreams recently. One kind of silly, one kind of disturbing.
The Incredible WTF
In this dream, I was playing Bill Bixby's role of Bruce/David Banner. I was trying very hard to avoid being noticed by the "authorities", leading to an amusing car chase that had me carjack a minivan and drive it like a tank/off road vehicle/supercar.
However, after I had escaped the "authorities", the van broke down, and I walked to this guy's house that "I knew from college". He was a big Jesus freak and an alcoholic. He had all kinds of freaky flags with pictures of Jesus and the Crucifixion up all over his lawn and house.
He invites me in and asks me to share some wine with him. Then some more. Then...some more. Once we are good and toasty, something unexpected happens! Sigourney Weaver busts into the room with a gun and informs us that she called the police on me and was going to get the reward for my capture!!!
My drunken Jesus Freak friend tries to stop her, and she shoots and kills him, then I become angry and turn into THE INCREDIBLE HULK! The shock of seeing my transformation turns Sigourney Weaver's hair into white dreadlocks. So I grab her, drag her into the bathroom, and stand her in front of the mirror and say, "Fix that ugly weave, bitch!" (WTF?) Then I run off like Hulk always does.
Fellowship of the Grisly Crime Scene
Much like Tolkien's Fellowship of the Ring, I was a nondescript member of a fellowship that were trying to secretly and safely transport a bag of valuable "Dwarf Gems". It was similar to the LOTR fellowship, with one major exception: it was led not by Gandalf the Grey, but a tall dwarf-woman wizard.
At one point during our journeys, we stop at a house to rest from our long travels, and the dwarf-woman wizard starts freaking out. She is screaming baout how she has failed all of us, especially those whom she considers her students. As her tirade continues, she gets more and more flustered, and she starts stripping naked.
Once she is fully unclothed (and having an unusually well kept patch of pubes for an ugly, hairy dwarf-woman), she announces that "It is all over!", and holds some sort of small relic to the temple of her forehead. As she holds it there, her face turns red and her head starts...inflating.
Next thing we know, her fucking head explodes and her body goes flying across the room and crashes into a Christmas Tree. All of us are sprayed with SPAM-like chunks of brain matter and flesh, and there are little chunks of it all over the floor.
If that wasn't bad enough, the door opens right then, and my dad comes in with his two hunting dogs (a big lab and a lab mix). The two big dogs come stampeding in and began to eat all the little chunks of dead dwarf-woman wizard off the floor. As if taking a cue from the dogs, two of my cats come out from behind the couch and take in the feast as well.
So, I am totally grossed out by the scene, and go to leave the room. In the adjacent hallway, there are still a few chunks that had flown off in that direction on the floor. Sure enough, my third cat pops out from the shadows and starts eating the chunks.
Thank Kahless for alarm clocks.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
In honour of the BTK Rader's new Ice Cream Truck, here is a Filmdrunkard list of the Top Ten Flavours Offered On The BTK Raders Ice Cream Truck!
- Mooncup fudge ripple-Robopanda (daaaaaaaamn!)
- Uncooked Pork Swirl-Lince (I almost left you off just so YOU could see how demoralizing it can be to feel overlooked! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!)
- Butt Mudd ice cream soft served fresh out the hole-name818
- Chunky Monkeyfist Knot-JHC
- Menses and cream-erswi
- Pralines and Dick-Tengo (here's hoping that monkeys fly out of your butt)
- Brown Release-PeteHammond
- Death Race By Chocolate-Burnsy
- Tutti Fuckin' Frutti!-Fek'lhr (shame on you if you didn't get the The Devil's Rejects reference!)
- (tie) Peanutis Butter/chocolate and nut butter-elle0 and Dr. Steve, disrespectively
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
My little blog-buddy, GumbyTheCat, put me up for the highly prestigious Arte y Pico Award! I decided to play along, so here we have it:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contributes to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico”blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.
OK, now that we have the bullshit out of the way, here are the five blogs I chose:
- Filmdrunk-It's better than being attacked by a prison inmate wielding a sock full of carpenter nails, and slightly less painful.
- Geektress-The embodiment of nerd power...girly style!
- Please Be Patient, I Am Evolving As Fast As I Can-EVOLVE FASTER!
- Brooding Cynyx-Tearing off the head and shitting down the neck of headlines.
- Fat Chicks In Party Hats-Not technically a blog, so fuck you!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Qaplah, forshak-hut dwelling yIntaghs! The Mighty Fek'lhr felt compelled to revive Kotals of the Week, thanks to Lince Mangina's awesome post over at Filmdrunk.
- Michelle07 says There are FOUR actors
- Burnsy says Shouldn't Sulu's triangle be pink?
- GenePoolParty says Chris Pine? Might as well cast a Scotch Pine as Kirk.
- Burnsy says Heath Ledger will play an Andorian.
- Fek'lhr says GRRR...I ONLY USE ROMULAN ALE FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES!!!
- Charlie Bronze says Is Sulu still gay in this?
- Michelle07 says You have some Klingons around Uranus.
- affleckwasthebomb says Are there 10 people on here that have the knowledge to make a good trek comment?
- The Kurgan says Karl Urban as McCoy? so this Bones will not only kick your ass, but fix it too?
- Eibmoz says I read it, sheep fucker. Stop telling true stories of your teen years and passing them off a jokes.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
There really isn't much to this dream, but it does have a high concentration of unpleasant imagery.
I was supposed to be a swimsuit model for a "Big & Tall" magazine. I was basically in a thong. (I'm fat, BTK.)
*waits for laughter to subside*
I was at a pool in LA for the shoot, and Harry Knowles was directing it.
*waits for laughter to subside*
I was getting sunburned, and said I needed more lotion. Harry offered to do it for me.
After the shoot, we went to a "Topless McDonalds" where all the girls there are naked fat chicks. It was pretty cool.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Preface-back in the day, my brother worked (at KFC) with these two guys that were a homosexual couple. For the sake of brevity, we will just call them Perez and Hilton.
So, I had a dream that, for whatever reason, Hilton and Perez were in jail and I was going to visit them. However, they had turned their cell into an organic farm. Unfortunately, they were using their own "organic material" (feces) as their soil to plant things in.
They also were trying to physically alter their feet, trying to make them smaller by fastening sticks to their heels and the back of their legs in such a way that they were constantly forced to walk on their tippy toes. However, they were in constant pain and would often fall to the ground and remove the sticks. Then they would say, "OK, after we take a ten second break, we have to leave them on for AN HOUR STRAIGHT!"
Well, this provoked a fight between them, and they started throwing feces from the ground at each other. However, Perez threw a big chunk of shit that missed Hilton, and splattered all over the wall in an odd, almost artistic design.
When the guard noticed the fecal art, he set Perez free.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Well, when I was 6 years old, my parents divorced. Subsequently, they both shacked up with some Grade A fucking dirtball losers. This is the story about the woman my dad shacked up with for a while, and if you have read the title of this blog, you can fucking guess what it is about.
We will call this woman Scuzz. She originally lived in apartment in a nearby town with her young daughter (about 8), Thumper, and her roommate, a woman I will call T Rex. Here is a brief intro to all 3 characters:
- Scuzz was a fat truckstop hooker that was high 24-7 and practically sweat marijuana.
- T Rex was about as feminine as a battle ax, and looked like the Brawny guy with long hair.
- Thumper was a very confused and lonely little girl.
Often when we were locked up high in the bedroom, Thumper would get completely naked and try to get my brother and I to emulate sex with her. She told us she learned it from the guys her mom brought home.
Scuzz was worthless. she would sit around naked all day, save for a sheet wrapped around her, and get high all day and night. Thumper wasn't enrolled in school, and T Rex was a world class bitch. Scuzz also liked to remind us how much she hated kids.
Fortunately, my dad came home from work early one day and found us locked out. He went inside to find Scuzz eating out T Rex with some John doing her from behind. She went bye-bye after that.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
There is a blog called "The World According To Bob". However, it should be called "The World According To An Underdeveloped Asswipe Manchild That Has A Micropenis And Blames Women For It".
Bob, if you ever read this, email me. I will fight you.
Friday, June 27, 2008
I had a swell dream last night. The only background info needed to understand the irony/humor/horror of some of the situations is that my "Aunt Bertha" and "Sister Chrissy" are both nuns.
I was having the penultimate family reunion. I had everyone I was even remotely related to together in a gigantic manse. I was mingling when my Aunt Bertha and her BFF Sister Chrissy approached me.
"Matt, we are having a good time and all, but your dad's sisters are really hard to get along with."
"Understandable, Aunt Bertha, that is why when I was younger I never went around them unless I was as high as a kite."
"Matt, that is a great idea!"
My Aunt Bertha motions to a side room and goes in. I follow her, and Sister Chrissy comes in with my brother trailing her. After we are in the room, Aunt Bertha opens up her fanny pack and pulls out all of this mad fucking bud rolled up in joints, acid geltabs, and them little baby bottles of Jagermeister.
"I was saving these up for just such an occasion!"
So my brother and I proceed to get stoned and fucked up out of our minds with Aunt Bertha and Sister Chrissy. After we are good and messed up. we overhear that the rest of the family is going to watch "The new Indiana Jones movie".
We emerge from our smoky side room, and start watching the movie on the big screen:
There are dark and ancient ruins, in a antechamber deep in the bowels is a naked woman laying on the floor. Around her are many candles, making an image of a crucifix around the nude woman.
There are a set of stairs leading down into this antechamber, and Vern Troyer appears and walks down them. He walks to the base of the "candlelight crucifix" and removes all of his clothing. He proceeds to ejaculate all over the nude woman's breasts and then her face. We are talking Peter North loads, and they were, like, "glowing in the dark".
It's at this point Indy comes running down the stairs, and he yells, "STOP THE SACRIFICE!" He starts to count candles, and when he gets to "Seven", he stops and underneath the seventh candle a hole opens up to reveal a dark hidden stairwell leading down.
Vern grabs Indy by the leg and tells him, "That is where The Master lives...The Master doesn't see ANYONE!"
Unfortunately, this is where my alarm clock went off, but I thought it still made for a good story.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Anyone that is close to me knows I have anger management/rage issues. It is something I have had psychiatric help on, but that doesn't mean that living with it is easy. Finding ways to cope with anger doesn't mean it magically goes away.
If you don't have anger issues, I am happy for you. I hope you never experience them. Here's why:
- If you have anger issues, it invariably takes itself out on the people you care about at some point, and in one fashion or another.
- Your family and friends ask you why you are like "Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde" sometimes.
- Anger and rage can make you feel more lonely and isolated that depression can.
- You are powerless from feeling angry, and that can piss you off, and you get angry at yourself for being angry, and it just downward spirals.
- People look at you like you are fucking crazy if you have an "outbreak".
- You fucking say shit to people you never would say otherwise.
- You start hoping that if you destroy what is angering you, the anger will cease.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I have read a lot of reviews for the Sex and the City movie. I never watched the show, I will never go see the movie. I was trying to understand what the appeal of this "genre" was by reading the movie reviews.
However, I stumbled upon a much more disgusting truth wading through the quagmire of written word regarding this flick. This bullshit movie and the four old ugly hookers associated is nothing more than a propaganda machine for over-privileged, dried-up cunts to put their hatred of themselves on a pedestal and drop it on the heads of men.
For example, here is feedback a negative review from a female writer got:
"You have never just wanted to feel beautiful or powerful?"
Or Kahless Forbid you are a man!
"You're an idiot. Threatened much? Let me guess. You like movies about male fantasies and think they are inherently deeper. Heads up, they aren't. Guns and violence, super heroes and transformers are just as dull to women as heart, friendship, fashion and fun are to you."
Here's another good one:
"Why in the world would the star ledger have a man rate a chick flick. This movie was great and I give it 4 stars as does every woman I know who saw it. This is not a film a man can understand. It is about woman power and friendships through thick and thin. Please star ledger...have a woman review chick flicks and keep the men to rating war movies and action flicks."
And this crap just goes on ad nauseum. What's the matter, you stinky little pampered cunts? Someone call you on your shitty tastes in movies and now you are trying to save face? I have a better suggestion, cook me a steak, grab me a beer, and suck my dick. Hell, I bet you are too fucking helpless to even accomplish that. FUCK YOU! You probably can't even check the mail without spending an hour doing your hair. Women like these are as "empowering" to this society as the fucking camelfuckers that flew the planes into the World Trade Center.
Friday, May 30, 2008
One Sunday afternoon, my brother and I were watching some NFL football. Come half-time, we thought we would get blazed to watch the second half. We had scored a half ounce of some killer fucking hydro bud, and decided we would light it up in "The Tent".
The Tent was a small, dome-like, 2 man tent that would seat the two of us and give us enough room to hookah, bong, or whatever in there. For those not in the know, you would trap in the exhaled smoke and make a "hot box", where you are basically breathing hits of mary jane the whole time you are in it.
So, we blazed a big fatty bowl in our favourite bong, meditated for a while, waxed philosophical about metaphysics, and shit like that. Basically, blah, blah, blah stoned talk for what seemed like hours.
Eventually, it got kind of hot sitting in that tent, so I said, "Well, let's get out and see if anything is on tv?"
The fun thing about opening The Tent was watching all of the steamy smoke billow out and rise into the ceiling in patterns. This one was particularly frothy, and made big clouds in the basement where The Tent was situated.
So, we walk across the room and turn on the tv in the basement, it had been on the same channel we were watching upstairs. The game just got back from half time! WTF??? :D
Growing up, I had a cousin that was about 5 years younger than me (1 year younger than my little brother). For whatever reason, most of my family didn't like him, I am guessing it was because he was "developmentally challenged" (ok, he was "half-retarded", he could tie his own shoes and shit, but was otherwise dumb as a brick and had bevahioural issues), so anyway, my brother and I kind of took him under our wing when we were at family gatherings.
Now, when we were young (I would have been about 10-12), my cousin started to get a little weird. One day we were playing in the attic and he found some "romance novels" of my aunt's. Little fucker couldn't read, but he opened one up and said, "Oh yes...these are the...BLOOOOOOD BOOKS!" He went on to describe in horrifying detail how these Blood Books outlined the ritualistic killing of our female cousins.
So, yeah...Blood Books.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Everybody knows at least one asshole that is the stinkiest, smelliest, rottenest drunk they know. This blog entry is dedicated to a human being that has exemplified Alcoholic Achievement in the state of Iowa: T-Bone.
Now, the picture here is not actually of T-Bone, but it may as well be. The actual difference between him and the man depicted are a few baths in the last year and about ten points of BAC.
You all might recall T-Bone from the "Candyland Dumpster Blowjob" story. He was the proud recipient of a hummer from a fat ugly slut in broad daylight 10 feet from the sidewalk next to a dumpster. Now that just screams, "CLASSY!"
T-Bone is always easy to pick out of a crowd, he is the guy with yellow glassy eyes that can barely stand, walks real fast then real slow, pisses himself, and tried to fondle your mother. He has that ominous "drunk slant" to him, like his BAC somehow helps him defy gravity no matter how far he leans to one side.
On no less than one occasion, T-Bone has done the following:
- Slept on the floor in the back room of a bar.
- Passed out on the toilet at the bar.
- Been arrested for public intox AND indecent exposure simultaneously.
- Caught by his girlfriend screwing a fat ugly whore with a moustache and forced to walk to his friend's house naked to get clothes after she kicked him out.
- Has several drinks laying about the bar because he orders one, forgets about it (being so plowed), and orders another one and does the same thing.
Friday, May 16, 2008
My grandfather passed away when I was about 13 or so. He was a devout Catholic and had a Catholic funeral. For those who don't know the Psalms, let me summarize the "trouble area" relevant to this story.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
For most people, this wouldn't be a problem, but we are talking about a 13 year old boy whose head is filled with Beavis and Butthead. I didn't know what to do, I was going to start laughing uncontrollably!
So, doing only what I could sitting next to my stodgy, bitchy aunts, I covered my face and tried to contain the laughter as best I could. What I didn't realize was that it gave the appearance of me sobbing! My aunts thought I was crying over the loss of my grandfather, when in fact I was laughing my ass off at a funeral!!! They put their arms around me and said, "There, there...", and all of that good shit.
OH! It's not like the passage itself was bad enough, but you have to understand something about Father Robocop as well. Y'see, the Padre had a tracheotomy, and the only way he could talk was with one of them robot-voice things he held up to his throat.
Yes, I had Robopriest talking about his comforting rod that makes his cup overflow and rubbing oil on it. Just wow.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
There isn't much to this dream, but I did think it was damn funny.
I was mortally (terminally) ill in the hospital. However, the hospital was overcrowded and the only room available for me to stay in was where they perform the penis enlargement surgeries.
Let's just say it made for interesting diagrams on the wall.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Book of Kahless 1:1-Kahless is better than all gods, especially Jehovah (that has a neck like a stack of dimes and skinny weenie arms).
1:2-If you anger Kahless, he will forshak Gah Durchfall (translation: shit slithering diarrhea) on your chest.
1:3-When a bunch of sick people get together and pray, Kahless uses "sky magic" to heal them. You can tell it really happened because literally thousands of people were there and they were healed. This is on the internet, so it must be true.
Book of Fek'lhr 1:1-The Mighty Fek'lhr was chosen by Kahless to punish the dishonourable Klingon dead.
1:2-The Mighty Fek'lhr is the captain of the great space-heap IKC Grethor.
1:3-The Mighty Fek'lhr does not care that you are dead and dishonoured, He will mock and emasculate you all the same.
1:4-Wednesday night there is Bingo in the mess hall.
How The Universe Was Created 1:1-One day, after a heaping portion of beans, Kahless farted the known universe into existence. Scientists and theistic Klingon scholars alike call this, "The Big Bean Bang".
1:2-Kahless saw the bits of His forshak flying throughout space, and decided this was good.
1:3-After time, the bits of forshak gravitated towards one another, forming planets. Cosmic flies landed on these forshak planets and evolved into prehistoric, bipedal, ape-like creatures.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
I had issues when I was young, stemming mostly from my parent's divorce and their subsequent choices for...co-habitants. I used drawing a lot to help my sanity, and at the wee age of eight years old, I invented the Arooga Gremlin.
The Arooga Gremlin was a small, violent man. He had a swastika burned in his forehead, and a large drill for a penis. When he was angered he would use his drill-penis and skull-fuck whomever was angering him.
Let's just say the Arooga Gremlin did a LOT of fucking during my childhood.
I make no apologies for the Arooga Gremlin. He is simply an extension of my rage and malice.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I know I should be more benevolent and patient, but people that act all fucking lost around computers fucking irritate me. I am not talking about old fucking geezers that try to dry their hair in microwaves, just like normal office people that act like fucking computers are this bizarre, alien fucking concept.
Admittedly, I have an upper hand, I am smart, rugged, and handsome, and I have had a computer in my home for the last 20+ years. I am not a "l33t h4XX0r" (elite hacker), but I know enough that I never have to take my PC into a shop for any upgrades, repairs, or issues.
So, for those of you not in "the know", I send this message: Defer fucking judgment to a computer nerd. Everyone knows one. Us computer nerds aren't doing anything special, we just know enough to go to help forums online and find the fix to our problem.
SHIT! Did I just say that out loud?
Oh, and Mac users can go fuck themselves. Only Communist Bastards use Macs.
/rant (IT'S AN HTML JOKE, GET IT?)
Monday, April 7, 2008
It's been a good long while since I have been in a good old fashioned slobber-knocker, but the last fight I was in was pretty funny and makes for a decent tell.
I was working the grill at Hardee's (basically Carl Jr's) at the time. It was the downtown shop and we stayed open until 2:30 am on Friday and Saturday nights so we could do our "Bar Closing Special" (two burgers, two small fries, $2.22).
So the placed is packed wall to wall, we probably have 100 burgers in the bin with the manager screaming for more. The crowd is drunk and rowdy, and it is just chaotic everywhere.
Suddenly, one of the girls up front starts fucking screaming, "Get out of here you fucker! FUCKER!" I look out and there's this fucking guy had come across the counter and was throwing burgers out of the bin in to the crowd. I fucking run around to the front, and everyone is just standing there staring at him like deer in headlights, so I just fucking pounce the douche and start wailing him and tossing him into the milk cooler and shit.
The little douche gets loose and hops back across the counter next to his two friends. I square up, stick a finger out like fucking Dirty Harry and say, "You fuckers are all going to jail! Stay right there, don't fucking try me." (Or something equally manly.) The first guy takes that as a challenge and leaps at me back across the counter. I catch him by the head, shove him into the counter, and actually slap like a guillotine on him. Drunk Dumbasses 2 and 3 see their fucking stupid buddy flailing around and screaming on the counter and GRAB HIS LEGS to get him free from me.
I will remember what happened next for the rest of my life. It only took about 5 seconds, but it seemed like forever at the time. First, Drunk Dumbass #1's sandal goes flying by my head (from him thrashing and kicking) and lands in the bin of hamburgers, then Drunk Dumbasses 2 and 3 start this macabre game of tug-of-war against me using #1's body. They basically each have a leg and I have the fucking asshole by the neck.
My manager starts yelling, "Matt! MATT! Let him go! YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM!" (Thinking back on it, I am surprised we didn't tear his fucking head off.) So I fucking let go and he and his two friends go flying backwards into the crowd of drunk idiots (like in Revenge of the Nerds!), and fall over on top of each other.
I swear, no sooner than they hit the floor, the fucking cops come in and my manager is like, "Them! Those guys on the floor!" and they fucking arrested all three for underage drinking! BOOSH!
The clincher? The next day Drunk Dumbass #1's brother shows up and says to my manager, "Um...I guess my brother lost his sandal here last night...can I have it back?"
My fucking manager looks right at him and says, "No.", then tosses the sandal in the garbage can where we put spoiled meat and shit! PWNED!
I have no idea who this guy is, but it looks like a genetic experiment to cross Chris Benoit with Jeffrey Dahmer gone wrong (or right, depending on your point of view). This guy was arrested in Idaho for drunk driving, but I feel it is safe to assume that he is a serial killer and they should just give him the chair now.
Guy, if you ever come across this, it ain't nothing personal. Your mugshot is just weirding me out in all the ways that make me say "Gacy". You are on notice! If kids in Idaho start disappearing, I am going to circulate this image in emails world-wide!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
For those not in the know, Chuckles the Clown was a local clown that got arrested (and eventually set free) because he was at the Wal Mart in Moline making balloon animals for kids on Cinco De Mayo with his dick hanging out of his clown pants.
This made me wonder, what nicknames does Chuckles have for his penis? Therefore, I am proud to present:
TOP TEN NICKNAMES FOR CHUCKLES THE CLOWN'S COCK!
- Giggles (JHC)
- The Squirting Flower (Pauly)
- The Clown Car-You will be amazed at how much comes out of it! (Stoney)
- Midget Shooting Cannon (Crotchal)
- Chuckles' Rectal Thermometer (Eibmoz)
- Balloony Balogna (Flux)
- Chuckles' Whistle "Blow on it, kid!" (Fek'lhr)
- Mr. Microphone (Stoney)
- Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie (Pauly)
- The Mighty Fuk'lhr (Eibmoz)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I belonged to an exclusive group called "The Ganja Brothers". There were but three of us, but that was because the strictest guidelines were kept for accepting a new member, and maintaining your membership.
The Ganja Brothers
- Buddha-This was myself.
- Cannabisaurus Rex-This was my little brother. (We called him that because he would blaze weed all crazy-like and nigger bowls of reefer.)
- Dragon Boy-This was my brother's best friend. (RIP homie!)
- When it comes to lame-ass weed smoking, you always have to start with Z the Stinge. This fucking kid would never pack a tight bowl of reefer (he would like sprinkle it in barely half way up), and would be unforthright with his stash. In fact, if it wasn't for his roommate narccing his ass out to us one time (the day Dragon Boy died), his punk ass wasn't even going to light us up in memory of Dragon Boy!
- Another fucking thing Z liked to do was brag about his 4 foot bong. We heard about the fucking thing non-stop for like a month from his ass. He said he called it "The Lawrence" because after you took a hit from it, it made you say, "Whoah!" (Fucking fag!) So, C-Rex and I finally made it over (we made sure to bring our own weed to his stupid ass' house) to smoke off the 4-footer. I went first, and Z said he would torch the bowl for me (it is hard to reach, even with an "Aim'n'Flame"). As I start drawing, Z fucking starts venting out the chamber a little bit at a time. I took the hit, but immediately afterwards accosted his ass for bogarting my hit with air! Z said, "It makes the hit smoother!" BULLSHIT! C-Rex went next, I pushed Z the fuck out of the way so I could torch it proper like. That little fucking bitch Z couldn't even watch as C-Rex cleared all 4 feet of that muthafucker in one breath!
- Then there was the Jamie-Lamie. He was this fucking kid that worked with C-Rex. One time he is over smoking with us (we always smoke someone up if they hooked us up), and he starts like "puffing" on our skull bong (our most bad-ass bong) and like all this smoke starts going everywhere and he doesn't clear it! We yell at him to clear, but he had frothed that mfer up so bad that he didn't even get 1/2 the fucking hit down before he started coughing and hacking. The rest of it all dissipated into the ceiling. Fucking asshole!
- Then there was Suk Long Dong, this fucking guy lived with our main dealer and would smoke with us sometimes. We got an h/o and our dealer brought his bong out. We took a few hits, but it was pulling really rough. Suk Long Dong looks and the bowl is clogged with resin. So he starts torching the bowl and fills the bong chamber with all of this creamy white yummy resin smoke. Just when it looks like he is about to clear it and take to Mt. St. Helens of all resin hits, he fucking blows on the bowl and shoots all of the smoke up on the ceiling! Sometimes I laugh at him when I see his body in my freezer.
- Finally, there was Big Daddy. He was a fucking idiot, but he bought weed from me every now and then, and would smoke me up. Well, one time C-Rex and I are over at Big Daddy's place (he lived with his parents, FAG!), and we make a gravity bong (sink full of water + 2 liter bottle with bottom cut out). We are all smoking helluhfine gravity hits and blowing major clouds of smoke. However, when Big Daddy takes his hit, hardly nothing comes out when he exhales. (???) Then all the sudden, he starts belching like he beer bonged Beast, every belch providing a huge wisp of weed smoke. Fucker had swallowed his gravity hit! Oh, btw, we called him Big Daddy because he was a needledick.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I had this great idea for a gun. It would be called the "Chainsaw Gun", and it would fire chainsaws at 100 rounds per second. The chainsaws would all be full size and running, and they would also be incendiary and chock full of sem-tex.
These guns would be useful for keeping neighbors off your lawn, clearing out parking spaces, "dispersing" riots, game hunting, expressing displeasure at an unfavorable employee review, breaking the ice with members of your family you don't like, silencing crowds, or making children cry.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
QAPLAH, forshak dwelling HaDiBahs! The Mighty Fek'lhr has graced your paltry existence with His excellence again!
For a long time, The Mighty Fek'lhr has had an idea for a snuff film that He has wanted to get off His chest. So, with no further interruption, The Mighty Fek'lhr presents: Honey, I BTK'ed the Kids!
Rod Firmcock had not been a Scoutmaster for a long time. In fact, this weekend was his first camping trip! Unfortunately, a recent outbreak of Hepatitis kept most of the boys at home, but little Tommy, Timmy, and Bert were all looking forward to learning about the Great Outdoors, Rod believed.
"Wow, Mr. Firmcock! Our campsite is out in the middle of nowhere! There must not be anyone around for at least a mile in each direction!"
"You might be right, Timmy! Hey, do you guys know what marijuana is?"
They all laughed and had a good time as Rod lit up the kids. It wasn't too long before he had them "licking the stamps". The boys were giggling and enjoying themselves, until...
"OK, boys, time to learn to be MEN!"
Rod entered the glow of the night campfire dressed in a large Garfield suit. He was holding a gun. Next to him was a box.
"Now, all of you put on your costumes, and no one gets hurt!"
Tommy freaked and was the first to die. The other two sobbed as they got into the garments. One was Odie, the other Nermal.
"You, dog! Get on all fours and bark!"
As Timmy dressed as Odie started 'Woofing', Rod blew his ass away.
"I FUCKING HATE DOGS!"
Bert, dressed as Nermal, started crying.
"I guess that leaves only Garfield and Nermal! Time for the REAL FUN!"
Rod bear-hugs Bert and shoots himself in the head.