Friday, August 24, 2007

New weird dream-"Sentient Light"

So it starts by me having a first person perspective of a man holding a camera. I cannot tell if I am myself or someone else. I am in a hotel looking around at people and notice Kevin Bacon. I run over to him and ask for a picture, but he gets angry as the bulb flashes and starts to run away. As he runs away, I notice his eyes are turning a bright and glowing red.

I chase after him, I sense he is something other than human. I keep taking pictures of him as I chase him through endless corridors. With each snap, be becomes more monstrous; his hair grows long and turns white, his teeth change to ugly yellow fangs, and his skin pales.

We are running and go through a door that leads to a parking lot. Kevin Bacon/Monster gets in the passenger side front seat of a large station wagon. I get in behind him to question him. I look in the rearview mirror and notice that I am, in fact, not "myself", but Will Smith.

Before I have a chance to say anything, Kevin Bacon utters, "I see that you have had an affair as well, Mr. Smith...", and as he says it a large yellow flash emenates from him. When my sight clears, Kevin Bacon has turned into Tom Cruise (and he isn't monstrous at all any more). Tom Cruise is looking at me and laughing as yellow lights start to encompass my body, seemingly possessing me with the "monster that looks like Kevin Bacon".

However, just as I am starting to transform, a dwarf-like green alien jumps up from the back of the station wagon and starts stabbing me with an odd dagger. It doesn't harm me, but with each stab, more of the alien light comes out, and Tom Cruise starts to get stab wounds all over him.

Suddenly, Tom Cruise shrivels up like empty skin and dies. The light forms a man shaped ghost floating above the dwarf-like alien and myself. It is writing in agony and screaming "NOOOO!!! How could you???", and it bursts into tiny flames and disappears.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I have strange fucking dreams

I thought I wuold chronicle a few of the strange dreams I have had before. They are just abnormal.

"Tornado and Little Bunnies"

I had this really weird fucking dream last night. In it, I was sleeping in a bed near a window in a trailer park, and these black tornadoes kept going between the trailers. It was kind of cool to watch, but a little frightening.

Then I noticed these "little people" that were dressed up like brown rabbits (sorry, no yiffing!), and they were absolutely terrified of the tornadoes and were trying to get away from them.

Two of the little people made a break for it to hide in some nearby trees, but they hadn't even got half way when one of the ornadoes suddenly switched directions and were on them like white on rice. The black tornado picked them both up and disintegrated them in a flash of light.

This makes the remaining few little people bunnies panic and they disperse, all running in a different direction. Eventually the tornadoes get all of them.

Oddly enough, one of the little people bunnies looked like Sean Preston Federline/Spears. WTF?
******************************
"The Pee Dream"

I had this one when I was about 25. There was a single mom throwing a birthday party for one of her children. Originally, I was there to help with an issue of toys melting on their kitchen table, but after being there a while, they invited me to sit on the couch and take it easy.

The house was very odd. Almost everything was a dark mustard or yellowish-brown color. As I was sitting on the sofa, one of the children hands me a small funnel-type device and asks me to urinate in it. I inspect the device and notice that is has a small hose that runs from it to the wall. The hose is near a window and I look outside.

Outside of the house, many of these tubes come together and empty into a small swimming pool that children are playing in. It would be like regular pool play, but instead of water, it is urine, and the kids are singing this song:

It's pee, it's pee, it's pee
It's wonderful pee
It's pee, it's pee
It's glorious pee
It's pee, it's pee
We all like the pee
It's pee, it's pee (repeat)

Having them ask me to add my pee to their play was supposed to be a privilege, but I couldn't go, so I left.
*********************
"Menstrual Monster"

I am in a hotel room with a young and beautiful anonymous woman. We are instantly attracted to each other, and start getting touchy feely and undressing. She confesses that she is having her period, but would still very much like to make love to me. I tell her that it is no problem, and that I will get some towels and wet a washcloth fromt he bathroom.

When I come back to the bedroom, she is laying on the bed nude and seemingly unconscious. She looks very pale, and there is a large pool of blood on the floor forming, trickling from between her legs.

I am worried and rush over to her, but a tentacle like object made from the blood on the floor shoots up and grabs my leg. Soon there are many of these menstrual tentacles trying to overpower me.

The woman stands up, her eyes have turned red and she is holding a very big dagger. She lunges at me to kill me, but I punch her as she is coming in and she explodes into blood and empty skin, and all of the tentacles "die" and return to liquid form.
*************************
"George Washington Muppet"

I am a young boy in a large, castle like building. Two man-like muppets approach me, one resembles George Washington, the other a Jack from a deck of cards. Washington motions to Jack to grab me, so I run off and head up a flight of very large stairs. Jack is grabbing at my foot, making me crawl up the stairs and barely able to get away.

As Jack gets closer, I kick him in one of his large eyes, and he collapses dead. I am shocked, and before I know it, Washington is upon me and grabs my arm.

He leads me outside where there are many young girls (age 5-8) are playing, swimming, and otherwise having fun. Washington never speaks, but his motion to me implies that I am to choose one as a mate. Many of the girls start looking at me, trying to make pretty faces so I would choose them. I never chose.

Monday, August 13, 2007

I fucking hate bitches

If you don't know who Stephen Belafonte is, I commend you. he is a wortless pile of steaming cunt. He likes to hit girls and throw bricks at ducks. I imagined what it would be like if he met Arnold Schwarzenegger, and came up with this:



Friday, August 10, 2007

PC Safety

Since this issue has come up an inordiante amount of times for me recently, I thought I would share some solid tips, tricks, and tools for keeping your PC safe, clean, and happy.

Get and run Spybot-Search and Destroy. Free to download and easy to use.

Spybot Link

Get and Run AdAware. Free to download and easy to use.

Adaware Link

Browse with Firefox instead of IE. Free to download and easy to use.

FireFox Link

Run a free online "Panda-Scan" for viruses.

Panda Scan Link

Recommended add-ons for Firefox:
Adblock Link
Flashblock Link

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I won an award!

My fanfic, "Cheetos Dust", won the prestigious "Internet Writers" award for Best of 2007! I will include the story and the award below:


Cheetos Dust 1

A short while ago, in a sloppy, dilapidated trailer park far, far away (Canada) there lived a stinky, tubby, vicious little club foot retard called Slammin' Sammy. She was a pathetic little creature whose only creative outlet was poorly written Fan Fictions about WWE wrestlers and people she knows on the internet (whether she likes them or not).

She would spend her days groveling in her Pop-Tart and Cheetos filth of a trailer, endlessly writing away her inane stories to the applause of her single-cell brained audience. The only time she went out is when rescue workers cut out a wall to bathe her with a fire hose (and restock her beer-battered bacon-wrapped Twinkies).

Then one day the most spectacular thing happened! During one of her narcotics induced delusional fits, The Undertaker, Paul Bearer, and Darth Vader all appeared from the forest! Undertaker was dressed as Kermit the Frog, Paul as Kool Aid Man, and Darth Vader as Mickey Mouse! This is what happened…

"Oh my gawly I can't believe what I'm seeing. *snort snort* Its all of my idols!!!! LOL!"

"Dear Lord, woman, when is the last time someone took down a wall and hosed you off, this is disgusting"

"Oooooohhhh yyyyeeeesssssssss!"

"I should use my lightsaber to trim some fat off this hog."

"Yeah."

"Where's Snow White?"

"You mean the other pointless character that gets mentioned in erstwhile dialogue just so I can say he or she was included in my story?"

"Yeah."

"She took Dopey and Slimy to the WWE event."

"Who did?"

"*drool* Slow down guys! I cain't tell which one-of-yas is talking!", said Slammin' Sammy deliriously.

"What does it matter, FanFic dialogue is always like this!"

After the men got done being horrified at Slammin' Sammy's squalor and finished verbally berating her, Darth Vader used the dark side of the force to break all of her fingers beyond repair, so the world would be spared her ramblings online. The Undertaker took her 28.8K modem and covered it with Lime Jello, guaranteeing that Slammin' Sammy would wolf it down and forever rid us of her existence on the internet.

Oh, yeah, Slammin' Sammy is an orphan that was actually prematurely born with scorpion DNA that made her telepathic and made her prone to sexual assault by professional wrestlers (drunk hillbillies from the trailer park).


Cheetos Dust 2


After the departure of not only Kermitaker, Paul-Aid Man, and Mickey Vader, but of her dignity and ability to foul up the internet with her drivel, Slammin' Sammy decided there was only one thing she could do: Use a magic spell to give her cybernetic hands that act as online keyboards! That way her writing productivity could expand exponentially (to 15 WPM).

She hollered to the trailer next door, "Mary Jane! Quit slurping down that gawl-dang spaghetti and light some black candles fer me!"

As Mary Jane came in the room, her heightened munchies-senses detected Lime Jello and she quickly gobbled down Slammin' Sammy's 28.8k modem.

"Mmmm…that was dee-lishus!"

"Ya gawl darm idjit! Ya just got done eating mah brand new modem!!! I'ma gonna hafta use mah old 14.4! Dang you, Mary Jane!"

"I'm sorry, Sammy…please don't cast any spells on me! It will really freak me out, man."

"Just shuddup and light mah black candles…I'ma gonna summon an ancient and evil Pagan Demon…TWINKIE THE KID!"

After an intense and complicated summoning session, Twinkie the Kid appeared and gave Slammin' Sammy everything she wanted. I could go into more detail about interesting occult rituals here, but why bother?

"Awl-right, Mary Jane! With mah new robot-hand-thingies, we can take over the dang internets…one fanfic board atta time! *cough cough* Dang, Mary Jane! That shit is skunky!"

"What?"


Cheetos Dust 3


After they opened the cracked, stained windows of the archaic trailer to let the smoke out, Slammin' Sammy and Mary Jane started their plot for revenge on the internet. During the summoning ritual, Twinkie the Kid had revealed that all of Slammin' Sammy's life difficulties and hardships were due to an elite group of internet hackers, the Alienz.


Much good could be written of the Alienz, but to summarize, it consisted of highly intelligent, respected, and inordinately sexually appealing members of the online Creature of the Night community. Their leader was a handsome and daring young man by the name of "The Dynamic Drom". His two trusted lieutenants were "The X-hilirating Xenodrake" and "Charismatic Kankie". Together, they ruled justly and fair over all Creatures of the Night online. One might say they were even the most respected non-Nobel Prize winning philanthropists in the entire world. Gandhi actually resurrected himself just so he could give Drom a high-five.


Now, what could the Alienz have possibly done to draw the ire of the feared and gruesome Twinkie the Kid? Basically, they realized that Twinkies are fucking disgusting and stopped eating them. Luckily for Twinkie the Kid, Slammin' Sammy and Mary Jane eat enough Twinkies to save a rain forest each time they get stoned. That's a lot of Twinkies, folks.


So, as Sammy and Mary Jane schemed, they had a revelation so profound that it was difficult for this author to put into writing:


"Hey, Sammy, what if, like, we became virtual reality and, like, totally went inside the computer, man?"


"Well, shiver mah timbers, Mary Jane! Mebbe ah kin use mah NEW robot-hand-thingies ta do JUST THAT! Aw-HEE! *snort*"


"Far out, man!"


"Let's hook up muh 14.4k modem, and unlock t3h p0w3r 0f t3h 1nt3rn3t5!!!11! LOL!"


Fourteen hours, 20 joints, and a metric ton of Cheetos later, Slammin Sammy's highly advanced computer configuration finally loaded Google.com. It was time for them to begin their onslaught of cellulitic vengeance on the Alienz!


"Aw, dang, Mary Jane! Ah thought of the perfect thing. Ah will go to their gum darn message board and tell them it's their fault that ah'm a fat little worthless retard locked up in a meager existence in a trashy, run-down trailer park in "Middleofnowheresville", Fucking Canada, and that I am not to blame for my 800/600 blood pressure, my seventy five chins, or the fact I have to put toilet paper on the end of a meter stick just to wipe my ass. THE ALIENZ ARE TO BLAME!"


"Whoa, man...like, what was that again?" *cough*


Later, on the best message board that ever existed...


"Egads, good Creatures! What is this?", exclaimed the hearty and robust voice of the extremely virile Drom.


"Good Lord, man, it appears that some meandering ne'r-do-well has besmirched our fine community board!", replied the living persona of class and dignity that is called Xenodrake.


"There is only one solution to such tomfoolery by ninny-hammers!", unquestioned in her beauty and graciousness, Kankie retorted.


The three Alienz winked at each other and knew what had to be done. Drom raced at lightning speeds to the Batmobile! Xenodrake moved at all haste to the Batcycle! Kankie traversed beyond comprehensible velocity to the Batpickup!


All at once, "Head 'em up and move 'em out, Alienz!"


Within moments the Alienz had accelerated from their underground hideout and had made way to the Canadian border. The Alienz had no momentum stop at the border, seeing as they had saved Bret "The Hitman" Hart from drowning once, and were named Canadian National Heroes and given the Key to the Country.


It was shortly before midnight when they all throttled down to a mild roar. The full moon was shining high above the trees, and starlight outlined a grimy, cesspool of a trailer park. The Alienz had arrived.


"Please be careful in there, m'ladies. We know not what manner of brute or ruffian lies within!", pleaded Drom.


"A touching thought, Drom, but please never worry about 'The Ladies'. We always come prepared.", interjected Kankie.


"Oh?", puzzled Drom.


"We brought flamethrowers. And guns. And plastique explosives.", Xenodrake clarified.
It was at this point our brave heroes entered the foul region of "Gravel Ridge Heights Manufactured Housing Community". It was dark, dank, and disgusting. Empty bottles of Molson were littered about the cigarette butts and spare truck parts in the lawns. Luckily, Slammin' Sammy's house was easy enough to find. All the Alienz had to do was follow the stench of cheap ass fucking ditch weed those posers smoked.


"*snort snort* HAW HAW! We defaced they-ar message board, and dere ain't a gum gawly dum darn thing they cain't do 'bout it!"


"Yeah, man...groovy!"


It was at this point, the Alienz made a moral decision. Using their profound intellect, they determined there was no punishment they could inflict, justified or otherwise, that could possibly be as horrible and wretched as leaving Slammin' Sammy the way she was.


However, they hadn't driven all the fucking way to Canada with pounds and pounds of sem-tex just to turn the other cheek, so they did the next best thing:


They blew up the Hostess Outlet Store, and all of the beer-battered-bacon-wrapped-Twinkies contained therein. The Alienz had a good laugh about it on the way home, and celebrated in the Honeycomb Hideout with a fat blunt of grade-A fucking Hydro.


Ben Affleck Yiff fic in it's entirety

Ben Affleck made sure no one else was around as he slid softly into his poodle costume. Now Ben would cease to exist, and "Velvet" would come alive! He felt so free...if only he had that special someone to mount him, grab him by the haunches, and hump him into submission...

In the apartment next door, Andre stripped down bare before labouring into his hulking Sasquatch outfit. He truly flt alive and unafraid as "Badmuthafucker the Sasquatch", if only there was someone to share his love with...

All of the sudden, Velvet heard the groan of a mighty beast! He was scared and curious at the same time. He cautiously opened his door part way, only to be stunned by what he saw:
A LIVING SASQUATCH!

Badmuthafucker looked over to the poodle, "Hey! What's your name? Wanna yiff?"

"Oh, I am Velvet!", Ben said in his best girly voice, "I would love to yiff!"

Badmuthafucker smelled Velvet's ass, then pissed on her leg.

"There, I marked you. You belong to me now!" ZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIP!

Velvet wagged her tail with excitement! She had been marked, and now she was going to be mounted for the yiffing of the fucking millenium.

"Be gentle, Badmuthafucker, it's my first yiff!"

"Fuck, Velvet, no problem!", Badmuthafucker replied as he whipped out his massive man member.

HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKK!

POO!

"There, Velvet! That ought ta be enough loogie ta get it in!"

"Yip yip yip! I can't wait, daddy...I mean Uncle...I mean Badmuthafucker!"

Andre fucking donkey punches Velvet, but because he is so manly, it tears Ben Afflecks fucking head off, so he fucks the neck stump until he cums, and puts fucking Velvet's head on a pike because it's fucking worthless.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Online porno=bad

OK, well the gayest porno experience I ever had (it was on the internet, go figure!) was this time where I was at a site that had a bunch of anal sex links. Most of the links were "Girl gets rammed from behind", "See her get it up the ass". One said, "Barebacks cum in the ass", and I was like, "Cool! Bitches getting ass cream pied!"
Well, I go to this link, and my reflexes were just slow enough that the shock set in. I was helpless before "Lt. Dan" and his army of 16 year old boys, buck nekkid and getting fucked in the ass by this guy 3 times their age.
Needless to say, I didn't scroll down...even out of morbid curiousity.

Friday, August 3, 2007

3rd and 4th place

I was in college, and we (my friends and I) were getting all drunked up and high on a Friday night. We knew this freshman Rich who was trying to get into a frat. Anyway, we are all messed up and the movie "Babe" comes on. At some point Rich says, "Did you guys know that baby pigs don't have teeth?", then he just sort of shut up about it, and we didn't pay him no mind.

Well, then Saturday night, we were getting all drunked up and high, and Rich walks in the dorm room looking like he is about to pass out. He sits down, drunker than a skunk, and syas, "Have you guys ever seen a pig suck a guy's dick?"

We said "No.", and he passed out. Later that night he and his roommate were caught..."dual wielding". Fucked up.




***************

I never knew what a circle jerk was, but then one day these friends of my little brother were telling me how they were all over at this kids house playing Playstation, and then they started using each other's "joysticks".

I went home and beat the fucking gay out of my brother.

The two tied for first

OK, now the first of two stories tied for first place. Let's try "Byron and Jared". Byron was Rich's roommate! Remember Rich and the pig sucking? Well, we were getting all drunked up and high and started playing truth or dare with some girls. Not a bad time, really, until someone asked if Byron had ever tried anything "gay".

Then we were thrust into the sad and frightening world of closeted homosexuality. Byron recounted a tale of how he became freinds with a guy that worked at the Subway in his hometown, because he went there for lunch so much. Byron and Jared started hanging out, clubbing, doing whatever. One night Jared is closing down the Subway and Byron visits. Keep in mind, this is midnight in a rinky town in Iowa with no one around for miles. For whatever reason, they decide to get all fucking "un-hetero" with each other, and start dryhumping each other on the floor behind the sandwich station with the lights off.

Anyway, Byron decides he wants it in the ass, but being both of them were total virgins, they didn't realize at first they needed lube. After a few unsuccessful pokes, Jared has a bright idea! He fucking grabs the tube of mayo and squirts it on his dick to make an ass sandwich with Byron. You can guess the rest.

Well, about a year (and alcohol suppressed memories) later, I happen to be going through Byron's town, and call him up to go to lunch. Were old buddies right? He says, "Meet me at the pool (where he worked) and we can walk to the restaurant." It doesn't even dawn on me where we are until I am half a bag of chips into my roasted turkey breast combo. Then, as if he could sense I suddenly remembered, Byron says, "See that guy behind the counter? That's Jared."


Now, the last of tied for first place. My brother and I (after I dropped out of college) hung out with the stoner crowd for a while. We gravitated towards guys and gals that liked "Magic:The Gathering" and "Dungeons & Dragons". So anyway, we meet this one nerdy motherfucker called Adam at a D&D clambake. He gets all fucking clingy (he must not have had any friends) and was all like, "Dude, we need to hook up and play Magic! Give me your number so we can get together."

In his inebriated state, my brother acquiesced. We basically forgot about him. Then one night after we scored like a fucking ounce of weed (somehow that litte fucker knew!), Adam calls up and is like, "Dudes, we just have to hang out! PLEEEEASE!" What-ev. Fine, come on over. Bring some booze.

So, we are hanging out, getting fucked up, and playing Magic cards. My brother drops a card on the floor, and when he goes to pick it up, it is difficult to get a grip on (wood floor). While he is fumbling with it, Adam freaks out and says, "Dude, are you picking through shit on the floor! Are there turds on the floor???!!!" My brother says, "No, dude, I dropped my fucking card!" Adam looks suddenly relieved and lets it go at that.

Later, after we finished the last hand, we subtly suggested he should leave for the night. He says, "Duuude...my leg is like asleep...it's like tingling! It kinda hurts, but it kinda feels good, ya know? Kinda like getting fucked up the ass!"

We never bothered to check if he was ok after hitting the street that hard.