Dirty Hairy Tales

Watch Here for the SOPA Strike Liveblog!

2012-01-13T19:49:00.000-08:00

Qo'!!! BONG!!!

Breaking News: Wal Mart Employee Fatally Assaulted By Klingon

2011-11-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

A Klingon wearing red Chucks and shopping at the Super Wal Mart in Iowa City, IA became enraged and violently murdered the idiot behind the counter when she expressed ignorance over turnips. He was able to beam out before being apprehended by police, and is suspected of being on his way to detonate the Sun, screaming, "I don't want to invade this planet any more! Guy'cha!"

New Dream: "Hoo boy..."

2011-06-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

In this dream, I am in a small town house with Dan Cortese and Thom Yorke and we are watching the 49ers play the Dolphins on Monday Night football on Thom's HUGE HD tv. The three of us are cheering the Niners on, and they are kicking Miami's ass pretty bad.

So, we are drinking beers and getting rowdy and Dan sees on tv this guy in red and gold body paint. Dan starts screaming, "Let's fucking do that! Let's fucking paint ourselves in Niners colors ALL OVER. Let's be the best 49er fans IN THE WORLD!"

Thom quietly skitters off and returns with a large supply of red and gold body paint. Dan starts ripping off his clothes until he is standing there stark naked. He starts screaming again, "Fuck yes! I am painting every damn inch of my body! Get nekkid boys, we are doing this thing! My fucking balls will be red and gold!"

I am feeling a little uncomfortable, but hey, it's football, right? Until Dan says, "Well, fuck boys, I am so damn excited for football I sprung a fucking hard on! Oh, look, you guys have boners, too! Fuck it, let's rub these bad boys out real quick and get painted before half time!"

Dan starts jerking it and kinda walks over to Thom and I, who are just kinda standing there. Dan continues, "What's the matter, boys? Never been to a circle jerk? Listen, it ain't like it's fucking gay. What is more manly than getting a fucking drunk hard on for football? Jerk one out for the Niners! RRRAAAAHHHH!"

As the three of us get going, half time hits and the teams leave the field. Shortly after, the door opens and the Miami Dolphins start filing though the small town house to use the bathroom as their half time locker room. Dan motions us to stop all the sudden and walks over to the corner, "Stop...stop...don't let these Miami faggots watch us jerk off. Do it over here so those fucking queers can't see. Stupid buttfuckers."

Fuck Your Stupid

2011-04-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

So, because forums have their rules and I assume my post will get deleted, I took a screenshot as a "Fuck you!" to the world and I am putting it on my blog so everyone can cry about it. Sue me and make me take it down.

Anyway, my response to:

I'd rather DCUO be boring and stale with a viable playing population than to log in and HOPE that an instance spawns in an hour of game play. People aren't going to sub to this game because they'll hit level 10 and can't do any instances. They'll just leave in frustration.

AMAZING!

2011-03-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

I found this on the vast series of tubes which makes up our interwebs...and it is simply amazing. I love it so much.

MMO players are retarded, here is the proof

2011-02-24T21:38:00.000-08:00

More than anything, I wanted this wall of text to survive. It is monumental in its FAIL.

Update-OK, a little more background for those not familiar with the subject matter:

First, DC Universe Online launched 1/11/11, if my memory serves. At the time of this writing, it has been live for about 5 weeks, an infant of an MMO game. There were a few glitches, particularly an issue (an exploit) that caused cheaters to basically be invincible in "player vs. player" play. Not good.

On 2/22/11, a large patch was released that fixed a lot of these issues (including the cheat), and included a lot of new content (a new raid, new duo, an auction hall, etc.), however, the patch caused a glitch. Screenshots were disabled, and there were two instances where the end boss would spawn twice (a no gooder, unless you can take 'em!). A hotfix is scheduled to fix these as of 3/1/11.

Now, rational minded individuals see this and might feel that the game company is taking seemingly normal adequate steps to addressing particular issues. I personally feel a two week turn around for a hotfix is pretty darn quick!

However, there is this loud and obnoxious subculture within the MMO community. I often refer to it as something like "The Hydra of Entitlement Dysfunction and End Times Paranoia". They are a squawking, writhing mass of unwashed humanity that screams DOOM! at the first hint of any fault or glitch whatsoever with an MMO video game. Not only do they feel compelled to be aggressive doomsaying fortune tellers, there are a few things that all "MUST*" axiomatically accept about their point of view (*assuming you are willing to abandon all reason and intellect):

First and foremost, these people LOVE THE GAME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, and they want it to succeed more than anyone else because they LLLLUUUUURRRRVVVE it soooooooooooooooooo much!
Their loyalty to the game is UNQUESTIONED! If a critical remark of the game is made, it is because of the pervasive abuse at the hands of the gaming company.
They know what is best for the game better than anyone else!
They know what is needed for the game better than anyone else!
They have played EVERY MMO and have seen GREAT MMOs DIE because of the EXACT SAME ISSUES!
Their MMO background and experience is UNQUESTIONED!
They have never programmed video games (some have even listed HTML and Java as coding experience), BUT THEY KNOW fixes don't take so long to prepare!
The game they are currently playing is the game with THE WORST customer service they have EVER experienced, and this is UNQUESTIONED!

I could go on, but that really hits the key points. About the only factor in the make up of the Hydra psyche that wasn't really covered in the summary was their feelings of entitlement. You see, they feel their subscription fee pays for more than a video game. Instead, $15 a month should buy them non-stop, 'round the clock entertainment, fun, and engaging social activity that fits all of their arbitrary (and mutable) needs. You see, they feel that if, at any point, they log on and are not having fun it is explicitly the fault of the parent gaming company. This is UNQUESTIONED!

Well, all of this and more will become apparent to you as you go on to read the most hyperbolically exaggerated version of all these key notes and more in the most epic fail of a forum post created by a person that subscribed to the game for the sole purpose of making this post on their forums. Happy reading!

Glossary:

SoE/SOE-Sony Online Entertainment (parent company of DCUO)

DCUO-DC Universe Online

WoW/WOW-World of Warcraft (no good Hydra can post without revering their God, WoW)

PVP/PVE-player vs. player, player vs. environment (environment being automated computer "bad guys")

(This is an untouched copy and paste of a post from the DCUO forums, 2/24/2011.)

Here's a few quick points if you dont feel like reading my book. Im not a hater, I enjoy the game. Im expressing concern.

- Low population is dangerous to an mmo.

- Stop defending SoE, they are here to please you, not the other way around. Open your eyes. They arent doing what they should to address the game. Period. This isnt my first rodeo. Ive seen free to play MMO's and freeshards of former MMO's with better support and these are run by people in their free time.

- The game needs quite a few changes and patches NOW not later.

- SoE needs stronger communication with its player base, we can help you believe it or not and we're paying you to do it.

- Stop worrying about monthly content and get the core working and bugs/exploits fixed NOW.

- You released a game into a competetive mmo market. If you cant compete you shouldn't waste peoples money. Stop letting people say "oh its only been a month give it a break" good point.. Are you ready to release a game into the cage with WoW in the other corner? Because people have expectations now. When we drop money on a game we understand there are going to be some bugs. But these are game breaking.

- The game is amazing at its core but SoE you are neglecting it.

- I feel like there should be daily hotfixes and patches going on right now, not month long exploit neglect to release a valentines day patch a week late. You're letting the game cave in on itself.

- If you cant handle releasing a game on two platforms you shouldnt have done it. I feel like this isnt a mistake thats easily made. You should have considered what consequences that was going to have.

- Population is too low at the moment. Consider server merges to keep the people who are still playing happy. Cross server queues ruin pvp rivalry which i feel is going to be important in a game like this.

- Get the game working then we'll worry about content eh?

Ok reading this kind of stuff every day, and readng peoples responses finally sent me over the edge and i had to make an account. I'd like to start off by saying this isnt the first mmo i've played. I have quite a list under my belt. Now on to the fun stuff.

I think there are honest posts, and I think there are childish posts. People are going to have OPINONS about the game no matter what. People should be able to freely express their opinions provided they are in a non-offensive manner. This however is beside my points im about to make.

I'm sure I speak for a vast majority of people when I say that I am disappointed with the state of this game. Many of you would argue "oh then just leave" or "dont let the door hit you on the way out" or "The game just came out give it a break." These are all fine and dandy responses to peoples frustration but they are missing the point completely. People aren't disappointed because they dont like the game. They are disappointed because they see a jewel of a game being destroyed or neglected.

I personally feel that SoE is neglecting the game. You can't honestly sit here and tell me you believe SoE is trying to address issues by releasing 1 patch since release with all the bugs in the game and lack of content. There should be constant patches being released everytime one bug is fixed. They need to be fixed! Period! It doesn't take a month to fix one bug. Fixing these issues quickly and taking small steps at a time shows a community that you care about your player base and are interested in our feedback and entertainment. I've seen free MMO's or hack servers (free servers from former mmos) that are put up, funded, patched, and have more content added to them at a faster pace and these servers are run off the hosts own money and free time. Their job isnt running their server, its probably working 8-5 then coming home and working on their server for just a few hours. They dont even have the full team nor the resources that SoE has. So please, stop making excuses for SoE. They aren't trying.

I mean it isnt fair to tell people who use their money to purchase a game and pay for subscription fee's and say that they should just go find another game to play. Most of us happen to enjoy the combo system and enjoy the content thats in the game. Which brings me to another point. Now that the mmo genre is established there are going to be some pre-requisites. Customers now have a common knowledge of what makes an mmo enjoyable. People will quit the MMO if they feel things arent going well. People have expectations. It's now left to the Company to compete for a player base! When releasing an MMO now you need to realize you are competing with the established successful MMOs. Therefore there's no room to expect players to stick around while you fix things that are extremely important and are the reason people play the game. Having pvp bugs and exploits when pvp is a strong part of the game is completely absurd. It should have been squashed prior to release. Take a look at rift. That game is extremely polished and well running with tons of content! I think the idea of the game rift is tired and over used but its working. So people need to stop puppy guarding SoE.

THE ONLY thing this game has going for it is its idea. Its completely unique. The combo system, the story line. People have been screaming for something different and amazing! I just dont understand how with all the MMO's out there. SoE as a company hasnt figured out that this game could be legendary. Literally. A total trend breaker and finally a refreshing mmo! I normally hate pve, but this game is amazing in that department. This is the first time ive enjoyed a game this much since i played daoc.

My biggest concern here which i havnt even mentioned yet is population. In just 2 weeks time that I've played the game the populations has declined drastically. I log in anywhere from 4pm to 9pm and its a struggle to get queues to pop. The whole reason of having a queue system is to eliminate the middle ground of trying to put together a group. Low population is bad news for an mmo. You guys can sit around and say oh let the haters hate and the leavers leave but guess what. There are more people that are disappointed and quit then there are that actually play. Which means if the population drops low enough. The promises of new content and conisistent patches go right out the window. SoE directs more of its team to other games. Future games. Thats just business. So I think you be wise to take everyones opinion and consider it rather than disregard it. Take a look at Age of Conan. The game was awesome and i found it extremely fun, but a lot of people didnt and left and the game died for a while. The producer resigned and they brought in a new guy and changed the game around, but it never got as popular as it was before it launched. You cant mention that game without a few people telling you how bad it was.

I also feel that public relations are extremely important to maintaining and running an mmo. You guys need to use your customers feedback. We're paying you. YOu guys are getting paid to read and sift through the whiney rage submissions and sort out the good constructive replies. Take care of your customers and your game will grow.

Message edited by Zimmit16 on 02/24/2011 17:25:14.

Origins-Petey Parkour

2011-02-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

(Background: For those that do not play DC Universe Online, the premise is that the villain "Brainiac" uses small "nanotechnology insects" called "Exobytes" to harvest the essence and powers of super-powered beings. It is from these Exobytes that all the new heroes and villains in the game world are to have received their powers. The following is the fictional tale of my created hero [and also an intended humorous parody/crossover of Marvel's "Spiderman"].)

As a small boy in Colorado, Pete Thompson was an avid mountain and rock climber. Even from a very young age he started showing ingenuity at inventing contraptions to help him climb. This ingenuity turned to prodigy, as Pete was to be one of the youngest students ever accepted into Gotham University's school of advanced technology.

However, tragedy struck shortly before his first semester (and 15th birthday). His parents were killed in an unfortunate car accident. In their will, Pete's parents had set up a fund for relatives to care for Pete until he was 18, and to pay for the tuition at Gotham University.

After the funeral, Pete went to live with his Great Uncle Neb and Great Aunt June in Gotham. They were kindly, older folk that hadn't had a youngster in the house for a long time. Both of them adored the good-natured and intelligent young man, and Pete found a loving home right away.

Unfortunately, being so young made finding friends difficult at Gotham U. Even his peers in the technology school resented his talent and acted cold towards him. To further his isolation, there wasn't a mountain for miles to climb, and Pete often felt there was little left for him other than his studies.

One day, walking home from school, he saw some youngsters running around near an abandoned warehouse. They had an odd, fluid style of running between obstacles and hurdling over barriers. Some of them could even run up walls! Pete walked over and asked the kids how they did all of those amazing feats.

This is how Pete was introduced to "parkour", a utilitarian discipline based upon the successful, swift and energy-efficient traversing of one's surrounding environment via the practical application of techniques, based around the concept of self-preservation and the ability to help others. It is a non-competitive, physical discipline of French origin in which participants run along a route, attempting to negotiate obstacles in the most efficient way possible, using only their bodies. Skills such as jumping, climbing, vaulting, rolling, swinging and wall scaling are employed.

Pete finally felt alive again. He made fast friends with the young kids (Flash Osborn, Stacy Jane, Norm Parker, and Mary Gwen). Uncle Neb and Aunt June were glad to see Pete have friends his age, and even more glad that his studies continued to soar.

Then, the day of the Exobytes arrived! Thousands of the tiny, robotic insectoids flooded the skies and incorporated themselves with a human host. It was late at night alone, studying in a lab that Pete all the sudden got a quick sting and a zap! When he jumped in surprise, he surprised himself when he was launched all the way across the room! The little robot insectoid had given him ATOMIC SUPER STRENGTH!

Donning a mask to protect his identity and brandishing the symbol of the atom, Pete Thompson used his knack for gadgets and technology aligned with his parkour skills and atomic super strength to fight crime on Gotham U's campus as...PETEY PARKOUR!

People in Iowa are smart and chatty

2011-02-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

Image via

I went to the post office during my lunch break to mail a moderately important letter. When I get in line, there is a George-Costanza-esque guy talking to this old lady in front of him in line. He turns around and informs me, “There was a guy in line behind me, but he had to go get some medicine real quick and doesn’t want to lose his place, ok?

I nodded because there was no one in line behind me and I welcomed the barrier between myself and Georgie Porgie’s stupid rambling.

Well, sure enough, Medicine Guy comes in like 3 seconds after Georgie “verbally held his spot”. Aside from his dick hipster hat, the guy seemed ok. Well, until HE joins in the conversation with with Georgie and Old Woman.

The conversation flowed as follows: Georgie was there because his friend from England was sending him a jacket. He explains to old lady he can get things cheaper in Europe (euro exchange, blah blah blah), kinda like buying from China (Georgie is a self-segue-setting-up-grand master).

Taking the easy bait, Old Lady asks if Georgie has been to China! NOT ONLY THAT! Georgie LIVED IN CHINA FOR 6 MONTHS! Apparently the Chinese are REALLY keen on Pop Tarts, by the way. Oh! Medicine guy thinks it’s funny that Chinese people like pop tarts! Old Lady remembers Pop Tarts before they even had icing on them! SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE ICING!

I tune out for a few minutes to preserve my sanity, and when I tune back in Old Lady is spouting some horseshit about how women in China don’t have to take their husbands name in marriage, and that China is seemingly much more advanced than the United States when it comes to “womens lib issues”.

That is when Georgie chimes in that is is due to the religion in China, blah blah blah, segue for Georgie’s horse crap about religion in Europe, I am trying to stay as tuned out as humanly fucking possible, but it gets to the point where Old Lady is so distracted by the crap that the post office worker has to yell at her to turn around and realize she is next in line.

It doesn’t stop there, either, Georgie literally has to turn around WHILE HE IS SIGNING FOR HIS JACKET to finish his last quip to medicine Guy about the prevalence of religion in the society of “Barvaria”.

My turn finally came, and I was promptly done with my transaction in about 45 seconds. As I left, Georgie was trying on his new jacket, and it was too tight because he’s a stupid short little fucking retarded lard ass.

Please Vote about YAWNING.

2011-02-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

Could you please vote on this? This issue is mentally disturbing me.

Speak Fail and Ragequit

2011-02-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

I made this, so it exists now.

Iowa City Guy Facerolls Council

2011-02-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

I like this and I am going to tell you why:

Iowa City guy
Iowa City guy getting up and telling the damn truth
The younger generation getting in our damn face and challenging the precepts that we hold on to in a senseless, draconian fashion.

Youth of America, follow this young mans example. Stand up and speak for what you feel is right. If you don't, some "well meaning" group espousing "family values" will come and fuck your civil liberties into the ground.

Life can go fuck itself

2011-02-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

Skip this post right now, because it is nothing but me crying like a little bitch about how hard I think my fucking life is and how much I want the Earth to explode.

For starters, I hate February with a fiery red hot passion. I get all fucking emo because it was February in 1997 that I got hospitalized for psychiatric care. Guess what? Being hospitalized for psychiatric care fucking sucks. I can't help but associate this time of year with hospitalization. Sometimes I even have flashbacks. No matter what I do, there will always be a hole...a void in that period of my life that is just GONE, my memory and intellect were just turned off and nothing was left.

Second, I am in physical pain. I have something wrong with my damn face that makes the whole right side of my jaw, up through my temple, and down through my teeth HURT. Bad. I have been on vicodin for it, but even at a medium dose of that, it was barely mitigating the intensity of the pain. It wakes me up and fucks with my sleep, and that is bad for a guy that has psych problems. The pain stresses me out. The lack of sleep stresses me out. The lack of sleep impairs my ability to deal with stress. I have an artificially inflated set of personal stress and an impaired ability to deal with it. I feel constantly fucked.

Also, I have animals that I am attached to that are going to die. However, my mother and my wife (the two most important people in my life) are even more attached. Rascal, our Corgi, got diagnosed with cancer. We are keeping him comfortable on medication, but his time is running out. Some days he eats, some days he don't. Some days he passes lots of blood. It breaks my mom's heart, but she won't make the decision to put him down yet.

Then my wife has a horse in New Hampshire that isn't doing good this winter. It's only the horse she has done a million shows with, spent countless hours of work with, taught other riders with, and is basically her best horse. As if that isn't enough, it is doubtful if the horse does pass that they will be able to bury her with the other horses, due to the weather conditions out east this year. My wife is devastated, and there is nothing I can do.

All of this is just making me a fucking mess. I haven't been doing the dishes at home. I don't even bathe regularly. I just feel small, impotent, and worthless.

Filmdrunk Callback-Top Ten Green Hornet Villains

2011-01-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

After finding that cover art from above, the only thing in this world more difficult than imagining bizarre Green Hornet villains that haven't already been taken is basically figuring out Cold Fusion. Well, it didn't stop us Filmdrunkards from trying! Dor sho gha!

Top Ten Pretend Green Hornet Villains With Idiosyncrasies And The Thespians That Portray Them!

Dingus says:

An elitist sycophant who feeds on the Haitian dead. Played by Sean Penn, naturally.
Crapbasket says:

Karaoke championship loser who pulls out her tongue and yells, “haaaaaahhp! Baaaaahhhh!” at children, as played by Lilly Tomlin.
Patty Boots says:

Bitchy, spoiled heiress with radioactive yellow hair who buys up the world’s puppy supply just so she can kick them all.

Played by Katherine Heigl, naturally.
Eibmoz says:

Crazy couple who strangles using belts but makes it look like an accident: The Quaids.
ThereAreNoTeams says:

Toothy, midget dwarf, psuedo-religious nut, who exerts influence and power over Hollywood seemingly magically and with no justification, played by Tom Cruise.

Ohhhh reality, you truly are stranger than fiction.
Dingus says:

A gay man and his beard. Played by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, naturally.
Patty Boots says:

A tough, rage-filled, totally not stereotypical Latina who communicates solely through yelling and is the scourge of libraries everywhere, as played by Michelle Rodriguez.
Crapbasket says:

Crackhead male nurse who kills elderly patients for their hard candies played by Luke Wilson.
ThereAreNoTeams says:

Jamaican rudeboy gang-banger who speaks with a Canadian accent and uses his multicolored bus of death to run down medical marijuana store owners played by Dustin Hoffman in dreadlocks.
Dick Buttkus says:

I’d want to kill Seagal with a microwave if he broke out some “Me Want Da Poonani.”

Guy'cha! What does that last one even mean?

Movie Review - Cop Out

2011-01-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

When I first saw trailers and preview for Cop Out, I was legitimately enthusiastic. I am one of the seemingly few people in America that is underexposed to Tracy Morgan, and I figured pairing him up with Bruce Willis for a cop comedy would be a pretty solid venture. Well, for the most part I was essentially correct. Morgan and Willis work really great together, but they have a tall hill to climb in all of the bullshit going on around them.

The biggest black hole they have to climb out of is the story. After a drug sting gone bad, Willis and Morgan get suspended without pay. Oh no! This is supposed to be terrible for the Willis character because he needs the money for his daughter's fancy wedding. Only to have it turn out that the wedding would cost WAAAAY more than any cop earns in a month ($50 grand), so instead he has to sell his collector baseball card, but he gets robbed by parkour robbers that sell it to a drug lord that is obsessed with baseball.

This is just one case of a plot element being totally fizzled out by a later development. I mean, why suspend these guys without pay if the cop was never going to be able to afford it on his paycheck anyway? It's like later in the movie when Morgan and Willis bail out the parkour robber to break in and steal back the baseball card, but he falls and is incapacitated on the way in, so the two of them end up breaking in by themselves any way. You just keep finding yourself asking, "Why bother? What was the point?"

Even though there are legitimately funny and entertaining parts sprinkled throughout the entire movie, I personally had a hard time reconciling the characters actions with the story (or maybe vice versa). I realize it's hip to be convoluted these days, but your story shouldn't be such a damn mess that your stars can't shine through it.

I will rate this movie as follows:

BONG!! with two exclamation points: You could go see this yIntagh movie, or you can stay home and watch Conan the Barbarian on DVD whilst slapping the salami.

I Am Not A Seahawks Fan

2011-01-10T07:40:00.000-08:00

But I will be sorely damned if this awesome vid doesn't go on my blog.

Video courtesy of KSK.

Kahless Is NOT Disappoint

2011-01-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

Short version of this story, the best father in the world caught his nephew acting tough on Facebook (apparently misleading some to believe he was a gang banger...or something). Well, Uncle Kahless don't settle for that shit, makes that kid admit he was lying, and beats his ass for everyone to see.

Kahless is not disappoint.

Jenny McCarthy Can Bite My Crank

2011-01-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

...but she will blow me first.

For those not familiar with Jenny McCarthy and her retarded crusade against vaccines, read up here. Summary: She thinks a measles vaccine gave her son autism and because she showed her pussy in Playboy her opinion is somehow valid, so she advocates to parents world wide not to vaccinate their children.

Yeah.

Well, study after scientific study hasn't been able to turn up any conclusive evidence for these claims, and now the main study linking the vaccines to autism in the first place has been deemed a fraud.

Go die in a fire, you ignorant fucking cunt. Take Oprah's dumb ass with you for putting your bullshit on tv, too.

Huck Finn To Be "Edited"?

2011-01-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

If you took a snapshot of the part of my soul that is connected to my intellect, it would look something like a tired, beaten old man...near death and crying. However, this old man would also have a gigantic smile on his face, a school bus filled with terrified children, and his finger on the trigger of a bomb big enough to put California into the ocean.

Yahoo! reports that:

"NewSouth Books plans to release a version of "Huck Finn" that cuts the "n" word and replaces it with "slave." The slur "injun," referring to Native Americans, will also be replaced."

(Even the cowards at Yahoo! are too chickenshit to say "nigger", even when it is in context and meaningful.)

Here is the rationale:

"The idea of a more politically correct Finn came to the 69-year-old English professor over years of teaching and outreach, during which he habitually replaced the word with "slave" when reading aloud. Gribben grew up without ever hearing the "n" word ("My mother said it's only useful to identify [those who use it as] the wrong kind of people") and became increasingly aware of its jarring effect as he moved South and started a family. "My daughter went to a magnet school and one of her best friends was an African-American girl. She loathed the book, could barely read it.""

(Again with the chickenshit term "n-word". The word is "nigger", no matter how much anyone hates it.)

White guilt and political correctness, about the only thing on Earth more fucking retarded than fundamental Christianity. America (particularly NewSouth Books and and "Professor Gribben" [his PhD has to be in FAIL]), Kahless is disappoint. And I am mad as fucking hell. This is an intellectual disgrace.

Hawkeyes win 2010 Insight Bowl

2010-12-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

(Credit where credit is due: That little #11 dude from Mizzou stood up and took his hits from Iowa all night long.)

Whereas the win against Missouri in this Insight Bowl may not be as pretty as our drumming of Georgia Tech in the last Orange Bowl, the gritty and hard fought victory was well deserved. As much as Micah Hyde deserves high praise and accolades for his game clinching 72-yard interception return for a touchdown, the real story of the night was Iowa's offensive line and Marcus Coker.

Coker, a dumptruck of a running back with supercharger mentality, absolutely thrashed the Mizzou defense, carrying the ball 33 times for an Iowa bowl record 217 yards and a pair of touchdowns.

Woof.

Yeah, and that picture up there? That was business as usual. Everybody on the dang team was blocking and hitting Mizzou Tigers wherever they could find them. Coach Ferentz had these guys polarized on a single mission in this bowl game: We WILL run the ball, and you WILL block.

Congratulations, Hawkeyes! Three straight bowl wins for the first time in school history!

New Dream: Grateful Cage

2010-12-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

The dream begins with an open mic night at a small comedy club. A middle aged hippie with long red hair and a long red beard walks on the stage, wearing a button up red and black flannel shirt and jeans. He is like a bizarre skinny passive resistant lumberjack.

"I have tried to get into Grateful Dead for a long time, and for years it just didn't catch for me, man. No matter how high I got, it just didn't take off for me...well, until THAT ONE TIME I GOT SOOO HIGH. How high did I have to get? LOOK!"

He then reaches up and makes these two gigantic pigtails with his hair that eventually come to resemble moose-like antlers. Once they were properly shaped, he unbuttons his flannel shirt to reveal a grey tshirt with a drawing on it. Imagine an Abbey Road like drawing with the hippy-lumberjack walking in front, followed by Jerry Garcia and Grateful Dead all in white tuxes, with Nic Cage bringing up the rear dressed as a 50s greaser in a black leather jacket.

The light on the stage then dims and a small film projects on the wall set to generic Grateful Dead-y music. A large ballroom with a shiny floor is shown. Jerry Garcia is playing a massive grand piano. He is sporting a spiked goatee and a large white mohawk. The rest of the band is Vegas show dancing across the ballroom floor. Intermittently, Nic Cage enters from one of the side doors of the room (still dressed as a greaser), does a small "be-bop" dance, exits, then re-emerges to do the same.

Unfortunately, I wake up at this point...but wow.

New dream-Koo Koo Klux

2010-12-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

The situation of this dream is as follows: I was in a large conference room of the student union on the University of Arizona campus. It was being used as emergency short term shelter and I was there with about four other students. It was night time, we had just finished watching a concert on tv, and were about to go to sleep.

However, shortly after everyone had lay down, the lights come on and four people wearing Ku Klux Klan robes walk in, two of them carrying a large flag with various symbols (including a swastika). They turn on the lights and walk into the center of the conference room. Their leader announces, "We are the U of A Student Klan Klub, and we had previously arranged to hold our monthly public forum here, and intend to do so. Any of you that are currently disenfranchised are welcome to stay and get what rest you may."

The students that were in the room with me left. The Klan Klub removed their hoods and robes and set up at a small table on the far end of the room. It was two young men and two young women, their leader being a typical Aryan, and all of them nice, white, clean Christians.

As I prepared to leave, one of the young women notices me packing and says, "You don't have to leave, brother. All are welcome at our public forum."

I respond, "I get that you have the First Amendment right to do this, but this ain't my scene and I want to go to bed."

With that she sighs and gives me a look of "Oh, well, another white person lost to liberalism!", so I make sure to toss her, "You only being nice cuz I'm white, you uppity cunt...oh, did you tell your boyfriend you ain't a virgin, yet?"

So, anyway, a line starts forming. People from all walks of life are standing in line to go in front of these four yahoos. Apparently the "public forum" means that you can go to these Klan Klub kids and give them a piece of your mind for precisely 60 seconds. It was great, because all of the sudden the place with packed with people all telling each other what they were going to say. However, the crowning achievement of the open forum queue had to be the guy that was so drunk he was on his hands and knees in line ranting the same thing over and over, "The little foolsh...little foolsh...gonna ruin da world...little foolsh...little foolsh...gonna ruin da world..."

Stovofalkor

2010-10-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

This is Kahless riding a gigantic flying targ named Stovofalkor.

I fucking hate the illusion of healthcare

2010-09-28T13:50:00.001-07:00

So, I have been in pain for a while now. What started as "wrist tendinitis from too much keyboarding" a few years back has pretty much crept into every joint in my body at this point. I suspect arthritis of some type, and even though I see a doctor in a couple days I doubt s/he will have the fucking stones to stand up and actually diagnose something other that, "YOU ARE FAT AND SEDENTARY, DIAF."

This whole rant stems from an injury I received moving some heavy boxes over my head recently. I strained my shoulder and possibly partially tore one of the tendons in it. They gave me methylprednisolone. I had the best fucking 5 days of my life while I was on it. Sure, my shoulder still hurt, but virtually all the pain in my wrists, fingers, elbows, knees, hips, and back was ELIMINATED, and any routine stiffness and swelling in my fingers was all but gone. I had a spring in my step that I hadn't had in probably over 3 years. It was fucking great.

So, the medicine runs out. I was two weeks out from my follow up appointment with an actual doctor (I saw a physician's assistant the first time. Getting a regular doctor in Iowa City is like a Pomeranian trying to fuck a Great Dane...tall fucking order. By the time you do fucking get someone they either transfer or retire.), so anyway, I went back in to the clinic to see if I could get more of the fucking pills that made the fucking pain cease and my life better.

Instead what I get is fucking whining and boo hoo-ing about how steroids are the fucking bad 4 joo and we can't give you any lolwut diaf. The only moderate good news I got was that they moved my doctor's appointment up to 2 days instead of 2 weeks.

Fuck these pricks. Listen, I fucking realize that taking steroids isn't a long term solution to my damn problems and I didn't go in asking for a lifetime fucking supply of them, I just wanted something to help out until I could see a fucking doctor.

You see, the real kicker with me is my fucking allergies. I am allergic to aspirin, ibuprofen, and virtually everything related to them (in other words any and all pain medication you can get over the counter that actually fucking works). Of course they say enlightened fucking bullshit like "Take Tylenol and put heat on your shoulder, that halps, lol!" I have two things to say to that:

1. No, it doesn't.

2. Methylprednisolone works fucking great, give me that. (And let me reiterate, I fucking understand I can't stay on it forever. I get that steroid therapy has its own set of potential risks. FUCK YOU.)

2a. I fucking hate you.

If fucking Tylenol and a heat pad fucking worked on my fucking condition I wouldn't go to a fucking doctor to have it treated, fuckhead. That is the other thing that fucking kills me about healthcare "professionals", if you are in pain you might as well go jump off a fucking bridge right fucking now because there is not a fucking doctor, nurse, or PA ALIVE that gives a fuck about you or the pain you are in. Doctors will give you pain medication if you come into the ER with a javelin through your face. They realize that must hurt. However, if you have pain from a fucked up shoulder or arthritis like conditions (or other forms of degenerative diseases, like my poor stepmother and her muscular dystrophy), you are fucked. You might as well be a junkie looking for a cheap high because these aloof megalomaniacal self-fellating dream-rapers aren't going to give YOU anything to help. You walked in? YOU CAN FUCKING WALK OUT.

Man, I can't fucking wait until Thursday. I get to meet ANOTHER new doctor that will tell me I am fat, I need to lose weight, and lower my blood pressure. YOU FUCKING GET PAID TOP DOLLAR FOR THAT SHIT? THANKS FOR NOTHING. What about my shoulder and the pain I am in that has become chronic at this point? Are you smart enough to develop a strategy for that other than, "STOP BEENING SO FAT, YOU FATTY FATHEAD MCFAT!"

What, do I deserve to be in pain because I am too overweight and don't believe in Jesus enough to these egomanical jackoffs? Well, no, because they really don't care if you are in pain or not, almost regardless* of your situation.

(*oh, you have money, let me open the medicine cabinet for you, my dear!)

So, anyway, I am betting on Friday I will still be in pain, but I will have lots of nice shiny new blood pressure medications to fill. Actually, I hope I have a cellmate named "Snake" and a doctor's head buried out in a cornfield where the police can't find yet come Friday, but when it hurts to carry a jug of milk, I doubt I will work up the gumption to bury a decapitated head.

New Dream 1990 Takes A Crap In My Skull

2010-09-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

So, the basic premise of this dream was to be a pseudo-representation of every cheesy cliche from every mainstream movie from 1990. So, slap on your bracelets and time travel back 20 years with me as we descend into 1990 madness.

Starring Corey Haim as a "street smart kid", he goes to Downtown Lou's Pawn shop to hawk some little stuff he has stolen (watches, necklaces, etc.). While there, he notices a Lazer Tag gun, but there is something different about it, so he shoplifts it. "Downtown Lou" notices and chases after him. Corey Haim runs down an alley and appears to be scott free, but he bumps into wisecracking but down on his luck cop, Bruce Willis.

Anyway, Bruce Willis grabs Corey Haim and is going to run him down to juvey, but right when they get into the squad car, an emergency type call comes in and Bruce Willis is compelled to take Corey Haim with, effectively making Haim the new partner for the schlubby down on his luck coppiness. They go across the bridge to the ritzy part of town to a high dollar penthouse apartment. There is no power in the building and residents are standing frightened outside.

Willis and Haim ascend the emergency fire stairs to reach the penthouse. There are a couple of unconscious men in a room and a small piece of archaic looking technology on the floor. When Haim nears the scene, the "unusual Lazer Tag gun" and the archaic technology "react" to one another, causing a spark that knocks out Willis, but wake the other two men...Mike Ditka and Michael Ironside. Ditka notices the Lazer tag gun in Haim's hand, grabs it and starts roughing Haim up.

"Where'd ya get the gun, ya little punk?"

"I stole it from Downtown Lou's!"

"God Dammit, I OWN Downtown Lou's, you little shit!"

WHACK! Ditka punches the kid the fuck out. Ironside decides that the cop and the kid have seen too much, takes the cop pistol and wastes them both. However, the two decide that a murder rap on a cop will set back whatever nefarious plans they have in the mix, so they seek...*sigh*..."supernatural" help. Enter...Kahless forgive me...Lou Diamond Phillips, "The Shaman".

Phillips describes a process to Ditka and Ironside called "Dark Dream Walking" whereby he can effectively transfer the present consciousness of one of the men backwards in time a short way (several hours, no more than a day). The man will then have full knowledge of all events that will unfold, and can take the steps he needs to prevent the cop and kid from showing up and getting killed, and hence furthering their nefarious scheme.

Ultimately, "Shaman Phillips" sends Ditka back to the previous day in the afternoon. He finds himself in the city park, and lo and behold, Haim is there playing soccer with a bunch of kids. (I know, it gets worse.) Ditka ALSO notices that a local soccer star is at a nearby picnic. Ditka, being a smart and rich guy, approaches the soccer star, played by Patrick Dempsey with an outrageous mullet, and offers him big money to hold free soccer lessons for the kids in the park. The idea being Dempsey will distract Haim with mad soccer skillz and keep Haim and Willis from getting killed.

BBBRRRRAAAAAHHHHMMMMM!

However, the joke is on Ditka because the soccer lessons are a big success and get media attention for helping to prevent crime. Dempsey and Haim get involved with local police (Willis) to set up a safe neighbourhood "crimestoppers", and they get a hot tip from Downtown Lou and Willis is able to legitimately foil Ditka and Ironside's nefarious scheme with the archaic technology/Lazertag gun, and they recover stolen money to build a new soccer field so Dempsey can keep teaching the kids, Haim becomes the new soccer star and doesn't have to steal any more, and down on his luck Willis gets a promotion to detective.

*sucks on shotgun, pulls trigger*

Klingon Opera FTW

2010-09-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Special thanks at Gamma Squad for the hook up!

Hipsters Make Driving in Iowa City Even More Enjoyable

2010-08-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

So, I was having a normal Tuesday lunch hour. I rode up to the Wendy's Drive Thru, got me a large chili and a bacon cheeseburger, and made my way back to work. However, when you live in reality, any other people in that reality seem to make it a point to insert their stupidity, inability, and retardation into your perspective and hammer it around in your view until you loathe their existence. Case in point, I had this:

Driving this:

And apparently he didn't feel his fucking life was complete until he was stopped while about 1/3 of the way into my lane, turning left. Well, even though I am a hothead, I am pretty fucking mellow after a visit to Wendy's. Traffic wasn't busy so I slowed to a stop to let him through (and avoid collision).

Nothing.

I wait a few seconds.

Nothing.

I start inching forward very slowly to go around.

Nothing. (And please, lets not forget, this guy is in oncoming traffic illegally trying to turn left.)

I had seen lots of nothing from him, I decide to let off the brake and go around.

HE STARTS MOVING.

We both stop. I am looking at him. He is making hand gestures, as if to indicate he is stuck and needs to turn left. He is completely blocking my lane now, and nothing short of running over his failmobile would get me past him and his tribute to the fall of mankind from the grace of capable skill.

I do nothing.

He eventually goes...BUT on his way by he fucking looks at ME and shakes his head like *I* didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

These are the type of people that give rise to the Hitlers of the world. Anyway, here is my revenge fantasy comic strip. Click it to enlarge.

Timely movie review: Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure

2010-08-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

For those of you that hate your eyes and are masochistic enough to give your sensibilities the "Tila Tequila at a Juggalo Gathering" treatment, Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure is the perfect stocking stuffer for you!

Released made for tv in 2003, CV2 follows the zany (dull, pedestrian, and uninteresting) antics of Clark Griswold's lovably white-trash cousin, Eddie and various members of his family, including a son and uncle we have never met (and wish we never had)! Dana Barron reprises her role from 1983's Vacation as Audrey, and Ed Asner cashes it in as the pervy, touchy feely Uncle Nick. Is your excitement mounting? Try sticking barbed wire in your piss-hole to make it even more sensational!

After losing tic tac toe to a monkey, Eddie loses his job but gets an unexpected severance package when the monkey bites him in the butt! To avoid litigation, the company sends Eddie et al to Hawaii for a Christmas Vacation!

*takes a deep breath*

So Eddie has a smart son ("Third", yes really) that we meet who lies about what his dad does to his girlfriend, the Eddie family is staying at Audrey's place, but Audrey comes back because her boyfriend left her, Eddie's plate in his head works as a zapping bug light (Really!), Uncle Nick's wife left him so he shows up to, they all go to the airport, there is a big line, but the dog (Snot) farts a bunch and people clear out, and then there is this girl that's their tour guide in Hawaii, and they have a party, but back home the pipes break and water comes out of the windows (!!!), they party some more, there is a plane flown by an Australian millionaire that Audrey falls in love with, Snot puts out the fire by peeing on it before they go, the guy that was supposed to drive the boat for their tour is gone so Uncle Nick drives it, but it takes him 1 hour to find the keys, Eddie fishes and catches a fish SO BIG that it pulls the boat backwards, the tour guide sunbathes in a bikini and Third gets his first boner, BOAT CRASH!, o noes everyone is stranded on an island, Uncle Nick wants to make fuck to the tour guide, they find lots of bananas and a freshwater stream but Eddie, Uncle Nick and Third go hunting any way, Third catches tour guide bathing, gets a boner, sees Uncle Nick watching her, too (I assume Uncle Nick molests him at that point), Eddie falls on a boar and kills it, MOAR WATER COMES OUT OF THE WINDOWS BACK HOME!!!, Eddie builds a house out of sticks, it breaks, they have Christmas as a family, Eddie dreams he is Tarzan and a monkey laughs at him, then Australian guy flies in to save them, Eddie drops a rock on him so he has to fly the plane, dog covers eyes with paws, Eddie earns family's respect, gets a new job flying planes (with the monkey that bit him!) in Hawaii, water situation is resolved on mainland.

JUST KIDDING! They never resolve the issue of hundreds of gallons of water pouring out of the house, even though they cut to it several times.

There is just so much wrong with this movie, that being legitimately disappointed with some aspect of it may actually seem redundant. However, one legitimately disappointing aspect of this movie was the total void of "redneck charm". This movie was like going to a show expecting to see Larry the Cable Guy and instead a dog chases a monkey around on stage for 90 minutes (which, quite frankly, isn't that far from the truth). The closest thing they got to that elusive "Eddie the Hick Persona" is when he inexplicably tries to play a mandolin like a violin during Christmas carols.

I realize picking on a made for tv movie is like beating up freshman in high school, but this freshman deserves every beating it has coming to it. How anyone involved didn't simply die from shame by virtue of being involved is beyond my ken.

On the BONG! movie rating system, this gets a BONG!!!!!

BONG!!!!! with five exclamation points: Only fans of "The Hottie and The Nottie" need apply! QAPLAH!

Don't believe me? Look:

I am fucking speechless

2010-07-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

The Truck That Time Forgot

2010-07-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

So, last night my brother is visiting and we get Tango & Cash on Netflix Play Now. I realize I have done a lot of drugs and drinking since the last time I saw that movie, but how in the hell did I manage to suppress my memory of this?

This is a fucking bullet proof truck with a machine gun mounted on it and with nitrous oxide boosts. Tango and Cash use it to fight guys in trucks and construction vehicles and jump shit like the Dukes of Hazzard. I was so emasculated by this truck I dry humped a Manga pillow.

Dream-Tranny Juggalette

2010-06-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

Since I cannot decide whether to go scrupulous detail or "nutshell" on this one, I will just default to nutshell.

The dream starts with the biggest racist at my job rolling up in his locomotive-like pickup truck and asking me if I want to go to a carnival. I comply. This truck is so fucking big that half the trailer park is in his damn crew cab. Big Racist comments that this is going to be the trashiest redneck carnival ever.

We pull up to an old strip mall where a book store has taken shop from an old converted video rental store. They have big signs up that say "ICP TODAY!" "FREE FOOD!" The truck unloads as the gathered white trash flocks to go meet Insane Clown Posse. One kid laments the fact that the only free food is Reese's Pieces and that there "isn't even any Faygo."

As if my subconscious mind hasn't shit on me enough at this point, it goes on to decide that I am not properly attired for the event, so I cross dress as a Juggalette to go get autographs. My outfit? A green wig, clown facepaint, knee high boots, and a towel wrapped around me as a dress. (As if the towel-dress wasn't bad enough, I had made it purposely short and wasn't wearing underwear to..."entice" people...I know...)

There was only two minor subplots. One is where I get all "pro-juggalo" at the shop-keeper for overcharging the kids dressed like punks for books (yes, they were buying books...I don't know). The other was that apparently a prominent feminist author was having a book signing in that shop the same day. Lucky her.

Intellectual Cowardice

2010-05-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

What breeds and fosters the intellectual cowardice that we see not only in America, but globally, as well? These are the types of questions I ask myself when I see the pandering to microcosmic ignorance that is so prevalent in modern society. Here is my attempt at a general overview of "Why Intellectual Cowardice Is Prevalent And Pandered To."

I. Facts/Honesty/Truth/Education is HARD.

Simply put, there just aren't enough people that can sit still and learn these days. Attention spans are so fucking short that actual real LEARNING and COMPREHENSION of a subject goes right out the fucking door.

Furthermore, facts that happened a "long time ago", particularly ones that are unpleasant to think about, become much easier to DENY.

More than anything, if the truth isn't pretty or easy to deal with, too many look the other way. They don't want to take the intellectual responsibility that their own COMPLACENCY breeds images they find unsuitable.

II. Ignorance Is Appealing!

I gotta tell ya, I can't rightly reckon anything more American than beauty queens being the pinnacle of social intellectualism. I am sure they have an even-handed view of core social issues and a balanced education to match it. Unfortunately, visually vibrant religious sycophants are not limited to America.

Yo, peep it, dawg...SNWA! Sand Niggas With Attitude! They fickinta go low-ridin' on their camels to hustle that Taliban Opium, know'm sayin'? Whoa, whoa, whoa, my bad! These are faithful adherents to the Islamic Faith just trying to preserve their culture. (My ass.)

But let's not forget about the camel fucker's counter-part, the condescending ignorant child rapists! As long as they dogmatically indoctrinate their children, proselytize, and vote republican, they have done their part in the Holy War, too! What makes it so easy?

Why, they are getting their answers handed to them! Instead of actually learning and developing a unique point of view, they are taking the easy way out and letting charismatic people with ONE BOOK dictate to them how to think and feel. It gives them that nice inner glow, makes them feel complete.

However, where does this leave people who aren't so fucked in the head that they sign their "intellectual power of attorney" to the closest con man with easy answers?

III. Anger Is A Gift

These intellectual cowards do not hold the edge, though. When intellectual cowards get mad, it is when they are late for soccer practice, or that their favourite tv show was pre-empted, or that Ron got the promotion in the sales department instead of them.

We have a whole different kind of "mad", one that transcends the intellectual cowards ability or willingness to fathom. The great thing is, these cowards are going to piss off someone that has the ability to focus their anger to fuck these cowards.

A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.

An army of principles can penetrate where an army of soldiers cannot.

I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.

It is an affront to treat falsehood with complaisance.

Moderation in temper is always a virtue; but moderation in principle is always a vice.

The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason.

The only thing more retarded than the LOTRO forum trolls are the retards running the LOTRO forums.

2010-05-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Part of me wishes I understood just what in the Nine Hells Turbine wants to see discussed on their forums. In fact, I wonder if they even want anything approaching discussion on their forums whatsoever. Judging by the way they hand out infractions and bans, and by the topics they close or delete (well, even more telling are the topics they leave open), Turbine is not at all interested in anything that even remotely resembles critical discussion of game/community topics. In fact, one can only assume that the forums were not meant at all for adults by the preponderance of pandering done to the whining emotional midgets and the steadfast protection of the intellectually juvenile. A seemingly odd choice for a game that has such a large 30+ (even 40+ and 50+) adult community.

The most telling behaviour of Turbine's spineless, reprehensible collusion with the meandering underbelly of the LOTRO community is their vehement opposition to call into question any single person's assertion about the game or the community. Continual lies about Turbine/LOTRO/the servers/the community are irresponsibly spewed upon the message boards, in all of their run-on-sentence glory, and Turbine leaves us no choice but to let us watch the intellectually bankrupt whitewash the forums with their drivel. "Turbine lies to their customers to get their money!" "LOTRO is a dying game!" "They need to merge servers!" "They need to fire people!" "Steefel promised us XYZ!" "My server is a ghost town!" "ABC is too HARD!" "ABC is too EASY!" "We NEED better housing!" "System Flavour of the Month is BROKEN!" "Turbine NEVER listens to us!" "PVP sucks!" "I wasted EVERYTHING I put into my old legendary weapon...as if I never expected better gear to be relased with new content." "We NEED mounted combat!" "LOTRO WILL go bankrupt if Rohan isn't the next expansion!" "There WILL be a mass exodus!" "I DEMAND answers!" "We DESERVE to know!" "WB is going to cancel lifetime accounts!" "WB is going to cancel LOTRO!" "You will only be able to get 1st age weapons with microtransactions!" The list is never ending. For every dawn of a new day, there is a new idiot with an imaginary problem that feels the need to vomit their mindless scat upon the forums.

However, this doesn't concern or deter Turbine! In fact, they seem to revel in the fact that the Sarah-Palin-player-equivalent shout their lies and nonsense loudly and proudly. The real sin in Turbine's eyes? Anyone that challenges the anti-LOTRO pseudo-rhetoric. By God, Country, Flag, Man and Woman Marriage, and fenced-in-borders, everyone has a right to their opinion on Turbine's forums*! (*Unless that opinion fairly calls into question any blatant falsehood in the LOTRO-critical pseudo-rhetoric.) As long as you are willing to go along with the sewage flow made by these Swiss-cheese-brained mud-hut dwellers (even if they directly personally challenge you), Turbine will grant you the esteemed privilege of wading through the intellectually-defunct, murky quagmire that their forums have become.

Dissent will not be tolerated, though! Big Brother Sapience in all of his Grande Asshole Latte fury will smack you upside the head with infractions in arbitrary increments if you speak up against the toxic intellectual waste flooding the roads in the forums. The common man is not to point out that getting dismounted from your horse on a critical hit is WAI! Knowledge available to everyone that reads release notes and developer diaries should not be presented to those too lazy or illiterate to look it up on their own. These witless buffoons have earned their right to wallow in their ignorance and blame Turbine for it, you fanboys shouldn't be bothering them with facts or reason. Why can't you leave these loud obnoxious liars in peace? Why must you continually disturb our mind-numbingly retarded Forum-Utopia with the most basic forms of logic and reason?

Well, guess what? I don't have any choice but to leave you all to it. The great thing is, I am the one that is better off for it. You forumites and Turbine forum officials can all get together, eat your animal shaped tater tots, then embark on the biggest drool-filled, LOTRO-hating, seething, fuming, stinking, virtual-cyber-circle jerk the universe has ever known. If anything remotely resembling a valid point turns up, it will be strictly by accident. This is the legacy Turbine has provided their players on their official forums for their game. Summarized, "Join the retard circle jerk or fuck off and die."

Movie review-Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call-New Orleans

2010-04-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

I ain't gonna lie, my friends had to talk me off the ledge when I heard there was plans for another Bad Lieutenant movie. That school bus full of kids are grateful that the same friends manage to subdue me with ether when I found out Nic Cage got the lead. I was furious. To me, Harvey Keitel's Bad Lieutenant was untouchable...sacred...and now Wicker Man Nic Cage is going to walk in and period all over it???

Well, never in my life have I been more pleased to say how wrong I was. I had written Nic cage off and had viewed the studio's attempt at riding Keitel's coattails (see what I did there?) as a cheap, slimy trick to make a buck. Dear God, I was so wrong. I am so glad I shed my prejudice and watched this movie, it is amazing.

I give credit where credit is due, Nic Cage came out and fucked his performance into the skull of every viewer. Holy hot damn did that man put on a show! Even though I basically know dick about movies, my instinct says that Cage found himself a director that gets him, and vice versa.

Werner Herzog is a strange fucking dude. I can't rightly say if he is one of them whacked out geniuses or just whacked out, but the man encourages creativity in his movies, and it really shines in Bad Lieutenant. I personally feel this guy really challenged Cage on a level few have been able to reach him at in along time, and that is how we got the performance we did. Simply remarkable.

Also, looking back on the cast, it is simply chock full of ridiculous talent. Eva Mendes (who fucking did FANTASTIC), Val Kilmer, Brad Dourif, Fairuza Balk, Xzibit...it just goes on and on. I mean, I guess it seemed to me that not only was it great that all of this talent was on board, but there were so many characters for the talent to fill out. I was never left wondering, "Who the fuck is this guy and why is he in the fucking movie?"

So, anyway, I could go on and on, but here is the summary of my position in this review:

I don't want to reveal anything plot-wise. The story is fucking great and deserves to be...experienced.
The acting and the characters are just...*mwa*, spot on.
The movie is inspired and creative and I love it.

In closing, I am proud to say I have my Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call-New Orleans DVD sitting proudly next to my old school Bad Lieutenant VHS tape (and now DVD...for longevity's sake). Two excellent, excellent movies with their own legacy.

New Dream-Monty Benoit

2010-04-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

So, in this dream, my wife and I were visiting friends out of town to attend a movie premiere for a new Monty Python movie. This movie had no title, but it was a collections of short comedy sketches. I can only remember two of the sketches, and will try to detail them the best I can:

Sketch 1-"Fishy, fishy, retard"-So, this was a redux of the classic "Fishy fishy" sketch, except it was a man trying to teach a retard the lines to the sketch and the retard kept saying "My tongue" instead of "fishy". Try to imagine this directed by Werner Herzog, and you will have it just about right. Also, there came a point in the sketch where the retard says something about "water", and then like a bunch of people in the audience get splashed with water.

Sketch 2-"The rent's due, mothafucka!"-A young lady can not afford her rent and goes to talk to her landlord, 3 middle aged women, about waiting to pay the rent. The older women decide she must work off her rent with lesbian sex. So, that's what they do, in graphic XXX cunnilinguity! The punchline to this skit? One of the older women kills another of the older women with a hammer at the end. WHA HA HAAA! Now that's funny!

...

After the movie, my wife and I retire to our luxury hotel suite that is, in reality, like a mansion. It turns out that we had each chosen separate bedrooms and were going to be sleeping apart. Well, after watching a 4 woman orgy at the cinema, I decided, "I don't care if she wants to or not, I am gonna go get me some pussy from my wife!" That's it, I had put my foot down!

I go up to her bedroom, and up and down the hall in all of the rooms she had set up close circuit television all playing the same violent pornography of a woman being abducted tied up and raped by two prison escapees. My wife then meets me, in the nude, in the hallway and says, "Pick the room you like, I will be right in. Start tying yourself to the bed."

...

So, as I start searching for the room, I get into this wandering labyrinth of hallways that eventually lead me to my hotel suite's private diner (yes, an entire diner for one couple). There are four employees, one cook and three waiters. The waiter that tried to seat me and take my order? Chris Benoit. He had grown out his hair and beard to look less conspicuous.

People NEED to Be Knowledgeable About Firearms

2010-04-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

OK, this is a little different from what I usually post. You see, there was an article online about some dipshit kid that took a (thankfully unloaded) firearm to Iowa City High (my old stompin' grounds) last Friday, and I am just burned up mad like hell about it.

It's pretty hard to rile up my tidy whitey redneck righteous indignation, but kids doing stupid shit with guns is one really fucking fast and easy way to ENSURE to piss me off to high holy hell. Let me give you some background on my history with firearms:

I personally do not own any firearms of my own at this point. However, I am not opposed to the notion in the least. I grew up with firearms, my father owns several. My father taught my brother and myself extensively about guns and guns safety. In fact, we spent more time talking about guns and gun safety than we ever did actually shooting them.

My father made us demonstrate on any gun we were going to use how to load and unload it, how to tell when the chamber was clear, how to use the safety, how to clean the gun, etc. We had strict, ardent rules when in the presence of firearms. My father keeps his firearms securely locked up in a heavy metal cabinet with a 10-ton padlock. The ammunition is securely locked up separately in another cabinet.

So, even though I do not personally own a firearm now, I respect and understand them, and I know how to use a wide variety of firearms thanks to my father's instructions. You don't have to own a gun to "believe in" them. It wasn't until I was older that I realized how valuable the lessons about firearms he taught me were. He passed on to me the knowledge and wisdom of firearms...and they are not toys.

It's sounds so simple, but then I look at that article I mentioned earlier. That 15 year old kid more than likely took that gun from his dad. I just want to beat 'em both. Whether you agree with owning a firearm or not, and I respect the decision either way, I think it is fair to say that anyone that elects to own a firearm needs to damn well respect and understand firearms. Leaving a gun where a 15 year old has access is not understanding and respecting firearms.

Kid, you are damn fucking lucky you couldn't either get to or find the ammunition. You think you are in hot water now? Try 25-life.

New Dream-Political Ejaculations

2010-04-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

Well, the premise of this dream is rather simple...Hilary Clinton had me help her abduct Sarah Palin so we could have a nice, rapey threesome at a Motel 6. However, Hillary wouldn't let me stop until I had given them both cream pies.

So...yeah.

New Dream-What Happens In Vegas

2010-03-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

OK, for those of you familiar with my dream posts, you are aware that they normally have a penchant for randomness, bizarre, silly, and disturbing. Well, I think this brief dream story covers all these bases adequately:

I was gambling at a casino in Vegas dressed and made up as a clown. There came a point where I ran out of gambling money and started to explore the casino. I went through a service entrance the janitors used to find a small hallway with what appeared to be hotel doors. Behind each of them sounds of massive fucking echoed rather loudly. A casino employee saw me in the hallway and asked me to return to the casino proper.

It was after all of that that my cell phone rang, it was my father in law informing me he would be by shortly to pick me up at the pre-arranged location two blocks from the casino. After I left the casino to walk to the location, I had two separate incidences where people tried to rob me. The first was a drunk guy that pickpocketed me, but apologized and said he was only kidding. The second was a trio of thugs that tried to intimidate me into giving them my Diet 7Up. Needless to say, it is difficult to intimidate a guy in a clown costume, and they left.

As I watched the street waiting for my ride, I noticed a two large groups of people waiting for a bus. One group was average citizens, the other was a bunch of retards. Sure enough, I spotted my father-in-law's van shortly. In fact, it would have been difficult to miss. You see, it was covered in moss. Imagine a van made out of sod instead of steel, and you will get the picture.

So, there was only one last hurdle before I could go home safely and end the dream: I needed to get the clown makeup off. Unfortunately, the ONLY thing that could remove this particular type of clown makeup was vinegar. However, as luck would have it, the security guards in the parking ramp we pulled into had a small break room with a fridge that contained PICKLES! I was able to wash my face off with pickle juice. The end.

I write timely movie reviews-Transfarters

2010-03-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

See what you have done, Michael Bay??? DAMN YOU!

Alternately, "More than skeets the brown-eye."

I know this movie came out last summer or something, but I could never bring myself to watch Transformers. I *KNEW* it was going to blow, and blow really fucking awful toothless truckstop hooker gumming a poopdick blow. I went in with such low expectations, I thought it mathematically impossible for it to undercut them.

It did.

Even if you aren't a kid that grew up with Transformers toys, cartoons, and comic books, this movie was still the steamiest pile of retarded-club-footed-drool-handy huevos rancheros loose-oily-stool imaginable. It was so fail that they even managed to make Megan Fox's fake tan...well, LOOK FAKE! (Yes, a fake fake-tan! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!)

This movie is living proof that Hollywood is so fucking stupid that it could fuck up a sunrise. I would try to say something coherent that would amount to a rational criticism of this movie, but I am having a hard time separating myself from the mind-rape of watching it in the first place!

Maybe the best thing I can do is my attempt at a plot outline...here it goes!

"OK, so there are these soldiers in a helicopter, and the leader sees his baby and wife through the internets and THEN LIKE A BIG THING ATTACKS and WOOOOOOOOOOSH ratatatatata OMFG IT LOOKED AT ME. So then this nerd in high school is trying to save up for a car but his dad buys him a POS from Bernie Mac then he gives this cute girl a ride and his parents thinks he is masturbating and the car is alive and they need nerdy kids grandpa's glasses so more robots come from outerspace and people on tv see them and these "secret government guys" find nerdy kid and they have what the robots need and an EVIL ROBOT and the robots fight AND ONE ROBOT PEES ON THE SECRET GOVERNMENT GUY!!! and the soldiers come to America and help megan Fox and nerdy kid fight the robots too and oh yeah the subplot of l33t hackers decoding shit so this hot chick can take it to a zany fat black guy and then the good guys win and nerdy kid gets Megan Fox and the soldier gets to see his baby the end."

So, yeah.

The only redeeming thing in the entire movie is the part where Devastator challenges Optimus Prime, and Prime basically does a Mortal Kombat fatality on his candy ass. That's it. If the entire movie was filled with that and skipped all the horse-shit, I would personally be in line to suck Michael Bay's dick clean. But, no, instead Michael Bay drove Huffer to this:

Look at it! LOOK AT IT! Huffer's gold spray-paint habit is on YOUR head, Michael Bay! YOU did this to him!!!

So, anyway, not only is the Transformers movie a fail, it sucks shit, too. If I hadn't been listening to the Rifftrax for it, I may have commit suicide trying to watch it.

I think I will have to go with the BONG!!!! rating for this:

BONG!!!! with four exclamation points: Only Gay Handicapable Jewish Romulan tahQeqs will be interested in seeing this foshak pile of a movie.

Lost an old friend today

2010-03-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

So, there isn't much to this post. I found out today that an old friend died suddenly from a heart attack. He had a couple of boys, and it just sucks. He was only in his mid-forties, we have a nice weekend in Iowa after a long winter, he takes his boys (all of them avid deer hunters) to go shooting on a nice sunny day, then just falls dead. With no warning.

I just feel awful for them two teenage boys. They have to go the rest of their life without their dad, and they were close. It's really sad and I don't like it.

OWNAGE

2010-03-04T08:35:00.000-08:00

This is the introductory post of a new theme in my blog named simply, "OWNAGE". It is primarily a gamer term, but sometimes in life there is REAL ownage.

Now, to be mentioned here the ownage must meet the highest standard! Therefore, it must be ownage on par of GANDALF SOLOING THE BALROG IN THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. That's right, to get mentioned here, you have to own so bad that even Gandalf wouldn't even play the 'Rog card on ya.

However, it is time to move on to the ownage that inspired this post! QAPLAH!

BLIND GAMER BEATS OCARINA OF TIME

Jordan Verner posted youtube videos of himself playing “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”, asking for help to beat the whole game. Roy Williams and three other Zelda fans granted his wish, spending two years assembling a written script of moves. Jordan’s computer read the script aloud while he played.

An average gamer will take about a week to play through the entire thing, but this project took almost 2 years and more than 100,000 keystrokes. Finally, Jordan beat the entire thing. “I felt great,” said Jordan. “I felt strong. I felt like the sky’s the limit. Our school’s motto — and I live by it — is the impossible is only the untried,” said Jordan.

HOLY FUCKING HELL YES! This. FTW. Not only is Jordan like Gandalf, but Roy and his buddies are like little Cirdan's giving Gandalf the magic ring to help whoop the 'Rog! This is so full of win and ownage that I might have to start playing World of Warcraft to balance out the FAIL/WIN ration in the universe. (NOT!)

Your feeling of entitlement to your opinion makes the universe worse

2010-02-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

There is no better way to discover the human personification of an intellectual void than when you are discussing with a person that uses, "I have a right to my opinion!" as a rebuttal. It is the age old mating call of the intellectually bankrupt and defeated. When the Opinion Entitled states this to you, feel free to disregard everything they say subsequently (and most of what was said prior) because they don't know what the fuck they are talking about and are completely ignorant of most or all relevant facts in the given topic.

When are you likely to see the "I have a right to my opinion!" defense? Well, they often spring up shortly after a baseless assertion, or any other garden variety logical fallacies. However, baseless assertion is one of the calling cards of the Opinion Entitled. A solid foundation in misunderstanding or complete ignorance of the facts is crucial to the feeling of entitlement the Opinion Entitled receives. In fact, the LESS they know about a subject, the MORE sure they are of their opinion on it!

Some may be wondering, what is an opinion, anyway? Let's see what popular reference sources cite:

Wikipedia states:

An opinion is a subjective statement or thought about an issue or topic, and is the result of emotion or interpretation of facts. An opinion may be supported by an argument, although people may draw opposing opinions from the same set of facts. Opinions rarely change without new arguments being presented. However, it can be reasoned that one opinion is better supported by the facts than another by analysing the supporting arguments.

Dictionary.com states:

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

Now, you may have noticed I bolded a couple of core concepts to opinions, particularly as it regards to facts and certainty. Too often have I seen an Opinion Entitled speak with a high level of certainty in their opinion, yet had little in the way of facts to substantiate it.

"Opinions don't really have to be rational, they are opinions and do not have to be substantiated by evidence. To try and do so is a waste of time."

That is a real quote from a real Opinion Entitled. This also illustrates the crux of the problem with Opinion Entitleds, they not only want the right to their opinion but feel absolutely no obligation whatsoever to ensure the opinion is reasoned, valid, balanced, rational, or substantiated in the least. Thus, Opinion Entitleds are self-pigeonholed into the intellectually defunct.

Now, up until this point, my post has been cheerfully condescending and the insults backhanded. However, this is my blog and I do shit my way here. So, strap yourself in and keep your arms inside the car at all times.

Fuck you morons and your less than half baked opinions. you can feel entitled to it all you want, but it doesn't mean that I, or anyone else, has to accept or respect your stupid bullshit thoughts. I fucking think shit all the time, but I don't go on public forums and declare the background static of my mind with a high degree of certainty! You see, rational thinking people have this odd habit of verifying their thinking before opening their stupid fucking mouths. I'm not any smarter than most people, however, the one thing I *CAN* do is minimize the retarded bullshit that leaves my fucking lips!!!

The best thing about all of this is, the joke is on you, Opinion Entitleds! No matter how much you cry, whine, or call foul, you are still just a fucking idiot with a less than half-formed shitty opinion. Anyone worth their assless intellectual chaps knows you are a fraud and your "opinion" carries absolutely no significant intellectual weight, it is beyond insignificant.

In closing, I am going to paraphrase uber blogger, The Uff, and simply say, "Shove your opinion up your peehole with a blasting cap and hit your dick with a hammer."

Jingle Hunchback

2010-02-25T06:52:00.000-08:00

In my daily routine, my day starts out with the alarm clock going off. I allow myself 15 minutes after awakening to simply sit upright in the bed and really let myself "wake up" before I start getting ready for the day.

Often, this time is marked with interacting with one or more of my three cats or sitting and quietly thinking. However, this day my mind created a song that I felt the need to sing aloud (to the tune of Jingle Bells):

Digging for a corpse
in an unmarked, open grave
stealing body parts
laughing all the way (ah ha ha!)

(skips to chorus)
Frankenstein!
Frankenstein!
Igor's on the way!

Obviously it is unfinished, but this is a good example of the types of things my mind spontaneously generates. I imagine it is the song Igor sings whilst...collecting.

New Dream-Mad Props from TRON GUY!

2010-02-24T13:50:00.000-08:00

OK, I remember two things about this dream, jack and shit. However, my recollection goes as follows:

I am at a sci-fi con and Tron guy shows up. He is rushed by the fanboys. People keep asking for pictures, but he says he doesn't like to.

Later, I bump into by accident when no one is around. I say something like, "Hey, sucks you have to get rid of your cool Tron-plane." Then Tron-guy is all like, "Thanks man, you are the first one ever to respect the Tron-plane, so I respect you. Wanna take a picture?"

Then we spilled the blue paint. :(

What do you get when you cross Santa Claus and Kahless?

2010-02-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

Rob Zombie is awesome, fun, weird, and terrific

2010-02-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

For those that don't know me, Rob Zombie is the only contemporary performance artist that I feel compelled to throw my money at like the bills are burning my hand. I don't really pretend to know a lot about music or movies, but I know what I like and Rob Zombie makes what I like.

I was thinking about reviewing RZ's (Rob Zombie and the Spiders From Mars? Get your band a fucking name already!) new album, "Hellbilly Deluxe 2", but it really would have just been a major wank fest and me sucking off how great I thought everything was (which it is, but that is beyond the point).

Instead, I am going to try to describe how I kind of resonate with the vibe Zombie puts out. Funny enough, nothing can really describe it better than a drawing I did as a child (if I can find it again, I will scan it, until then, here is a reproduction):

Yes, that was my alien creation, "W.I.T.". As you can see, his name was an acronym for "Weird Is Terrific", and it is to that end that I feel Rob Zombie, and his various productions, reach me. In short, he isn't afraid of making weird seem terrific, which it is.

Banned Books Fail

2010-01-26T08:44:00.001-08:00

What the hell do you want me to fucking say? The cartoon pretty much says it all. Some halfwit fucktard mother from Menifee, California petitioned to her school to have the DICTIONARY banned because it defined "oral sex".

They obliged her.

A real school in reality in 2010 BANNED the dictionary. Like, for real. I am so angry I can barely fucking type.

New Dream-Romulan Torture

2010-01-22T08:54:00.000-08:00

This dream takes place during "The Next Generation" timeline, and I was an unidentified captive of the Romulans, and being held prisoner by them in this massive concentration camp. All of the other prisoners were various Starfleet officers, and I was often with Worf and his son Alexander (a Starfleet ensign in my dream).

Apparently, the idea was that the Romulans were keeping this concentration camp and trying to add as many prisoners to it as they could. A large contingent of the force posted there would often leave the prison planet to go on a raiding mission to abduct more Starfleet personnel.

It was after one of these raids that the Romulans returned with Captain Picard. This was incredibly demoralizing to the prisoners, Picard was a big hero and supposed to be unobtainable by the Romulans. It was a dark moment when he arrived in camp, and made many despair.

As captives of the Romulans, all of us wore these bracelets that worked as like electromagnetic handcuffs. The Romulans could use a small hand-held device to control the placement of our hands (like putting them behind our back like regular handcuffs). A daily routine at the camp was that all of the prisoners would line up in ranks, and Romulan guards would go around and whip various prisoners at their discretion. They would use the electro-cuffs to put our hands over our heads and whips our backs ruthlessly. Everyone in the camp had marked and bloody backs through torn shirts.

One morning, we lined up. I was with Worf, Picard, and Alexander. The Romulans came out and declared that any of the prisoners that begged for mercy would be spared and could see a doctor. Alexander wavered and said to Worf, "Father, I am not brave enough to do this...I want to ask for mercy!"

Worf yelled back, "No, you must not! It will show the Romulans that they have defeated you! You will lose your honour!"

During the yelling, a Romulan walks over to Alexander and says, "Do you want mercy now, young one? Look, there goes two more ships, we are sending our largest contingents ever out to get more prisoners. It is hopeless now. If you get mercy now and...cooperate...with us, you can be the first to demonstrate to the prisoners the benefits of...cooperation."

Worf becomes enraged and charges the Romulan, and gets stunned with phaser. Alexander wavers more and is about to ask for mercy when Picard steps between Alexander and the Romulan, infuriating the Romulan. Picard speaks, and somehow his charisma lifts the spirits of all the Starfleet prisoners and emboldens Alexander, "Do not bow to their wishes, ensign. They are cowards and can only hurt your body. However, your freedom of spirit and loayalty to the Federation cannot be so easily tarnished by these HaDiBahs!" (Yes, Picard uses a Klingon slur to anger the Romulans! BOOSH!)

At this, the Romulan and two other of the guards start mercilessly beating Picard with the whips. Picard seemingly goes into a trance, and makes no sounds, but the beating is so severe that it will surely kill him. The prisoners start to stir, some start shouting out for the beating to stop, they are whipped. More prisoners become angry. I become angry. I look around, the Romulans seem so few with their forces away, and the prisoners seem so many.

I lash out at the nearest Romulan and sink my teeth into his throat, ripping it out. With green blood trickling from my mouth, I let out a primal scream. I start yelling at the prisoners, "NOW, ATTACK THEM! BITE THEM, KICK THEM! WE DO NOT NEED OUR HANDS TO KILL!!!"

As if a bomb had been set off, the camp explodes into chaos. Everywhere Starfleet officers are kicking at the legs of Romulans to knock them down, then curb-stomping their heads. Phaser and disruptor fire starts coming in from other guards, but they are quickly swarmed under attack by prisoners.

Alexander rushes to Worf to rouse him. Soon they are fighting together, killing many Romulans. When one of the Romulans fall, Alexander notices that the felled guard has the master device for the electro-cuffs. Alexander quickly falls backwards on the bloodied Romulan to procure it. "Father, which button to deactivate?" Worf quickly instructs him, and soon the entire camp goes quiet save for the chandelier-like clinking of hundreds of pairs of electro-cuffs falling to the ground.

The ensuing violence dwarves the initial outburst. With their hands freed, the prisoners start rending the Romulans mercilessly. No one picks up the fallen weapons, it was a frenzy of brute force and bloodied hands.

At this point, I run to Picard who is badly injured. I pull off my shirt and tear it to try to bandage some of the more severe wounds. He instructs me, "Notify Worf, we need to get to the hangar and commandeer their flagship before it is too late!"

I scream to Worf, who is still fighting valiantly with his son. When they see Picard and I, they both run over. We help Picard up and make for the hangar. Many of the prisoners see us and rally around us. As we get to the hangar, the prisoners just fucking Zerg the last of the Romulans trying to flee on the last ship left on the planet.

Now, unfortunately, this is where the dream ends. However, I like to imagine that we take their ship, find the two raiding ships and blow them out of the sky, and then go fuck all of their mothers.

KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

OK, this is going to be a short post, because you should be reading Coach Ryan posts at Kissing Suzy Kolber....like right fucking now.

My 129th post!

2010-01-18T10:46:00.001-08:00

Being the avid Punisher fan and the semi-retired comic collector I am, I would be remiss not to have Amazing Spider Man #129 (the first appearance of The Punisher) up on my blog for my 129th post. QAPLAH!

Little hope in my vote

2010-01-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

Nobody fucking dislikes Republicans and their filthy tactics more than I do. I wouldn't have pissed on Dick Cheney if he was on fire, and G-Dub was a fucking moron extraordinaire. Those two and their good ol' boy system fucked this country for eight fucking years, and what are we left with now?

More of the same.

I didn't have a lot of hope going into the 2008 election. I didn't buy into the Obama cult of personality. All I knew was that we sure as hell couldn't let two retards fucking worse than Bush and Cheney (McCain* and Palin) further plunge the country into the Republican agenda. My only real hope was that it wouldn't get worse.

Technically, it hasn't got WORSE, but it is still business as usual up on Capitol Hill. The most telling sign that we were no better off (internally politically speaking) was when I was listening to NPR this morning, and President Obama was addressing AIRPORT SECURITY and HEIGHTENED MEASURES. He sounded just like that fucking dingbat Bush and I felt like I had taken a timewarp back 3-4 years. It was fucking bullshit.

Airport security indeed. Any president with a fucking spine would have publicly laughed out loud at the latest "Christmas Day Attack", and called that fucking loser with explosive underwear a massive failure. What are we doing instead? Talking about installing X-Ray machines in fucking airports, getting dogs for the guards, etc.

The thing that draws my ire the most about the "Christmas Attacker" was that he was a passenger that should have been eliminated by routine, rudimentary flying procedure. He boarded an international flight without a passport. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. (There has been question drawn to this issue, but then there is also this.) Yet, while this fucking asshole got on an international flight without a passport, at home we are patting down and aggressively frisking 8 year old Cub Scouts trying to board a plane to go on vacation.

(Behold the face of terrorism in America.)

President Obama, this is not what I fucking signed up for with my vote for you. You have been an abysmal, spineless disappointment. You have about much Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi in you as I have patience and tolerance for you fucks on Capitol Hill. Remember when you were doing shit like closing Gitmo and generally trying save America's face internationally? Take that spark and work on us at home now! Quit trying to make the universally appealing choices and start making the hard decisions.

I would rather die from a bomb on a plane in a free country than arrive safely in fucking Oceania. We Americans are better and braver than this. Obama, Americans, I am disappoint.

*I just wanted to point out that I, by no means, think McCain is anywhere near as stupid as that crazy fucking retard fundy ubercunt Palin. In fact, I used to moderately respect him, even though he was a Retardlican. However, that little fucker sold out big time to try to get that oval Office Prize, and it was disgusting to watch.

I imagine things

2010-01-13T14:31:00.001-08:00

I was thinking the other day that the only way Star Wars could have been cooler is if Luke and Leia had unwittingly hooked up and had some sort of inbred super mutant retard Jedi baby! He could grow up to use the Force to feed himself tater tots and Spaghettios and club the Dark Side to death with jedi-enhanced retard strength! HUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

SLOTH LOVE LIGHTSABER!

New Dream-Osama Zigzag Laden

2010-01-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

OK, I have no fucking idea how I forgot about this until this late in the day, but the short version of a long story is I dreamed I was watching a soccer game in a press box with Osama bin Laden and he pulled out this gigantic black garbage bag filled with marijuana and we fucking got high off this killer mid-east hookah. The crowning achievement of the dream had to be the part where Osama decides we aren't getting high fast enough, wraps up some humongous dried out marijuana plants in like these oversized green zig-zags, then throws them in the furnace like logs on a fire. Next thing I know, the heater vents are blasting us with fucking chronic smoke! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY MIND????

Clothing chain draws Klingon ire

2010-01-08T07:37:00.000-08:00

OK, so this clothing retailer I have never heard of (H&M) somehow managed to piss me off by being big time yeast infection douche-queefs. See that picture there? That lady found gigantic garbage bags behind the H&M stuffed with unsold clothing (that apparently contained a lot of Wal Mart apparel, too). The killer? H&M had slashed the shit out of the clothes so they would be unwearable!

Let's put this into perspective, they have a bunch of unsold clothing merchandise after the holiday in an economy that is downturned and instead of donating the clothing and jackets to charity they decide to throw out the clothes, but not only that, have employees take the time to shred these clothes so they will be unwearable.

*slow clap*

My blood is so hot right now that my eyeballs are boiling in place.

If that isn't enough to make you want to nuke all of their stores and abduct their management and administrators, drive them out to an abandoned warehouse, and individually lance each of them in their cold, little black hearts with a gigantic frozen urine javelin, look at this:

I SAID LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!!!

That's right. It's fucking skirts for men. H&M has skirts for men. LOOK AT IT!

We need to do more than boycott H&M, we need to eradicate it from the human genome.

Hawkeyes OWN 2010 Orange Bowl

2010-01-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

(This poor fucker is gonna see the number 94 in his nightmares.)

Simply put, the Hawkeyes fucking manhandled and shitstormed Georgia Tech in the 2010 Orange Bowl, beating them 24-14 (a score that doesn't even come close to telling how lopsided the victory was).

The Iowa D held the highly touted "triple option" offense of Tech (averaging about 340 yds per game) to a miserly 155 yds (coming mostly on their sole scoring drive). Adrian Clayborn wrapped up 9 tackles and 2 sacks, Pat Angerer had a dozen or so tackles, and AJ Edds got himself an INT. The defense held Tech's Nesbitt to 2 of 9 passing for 12 yards and a pick.

What the fuck.

Ricky Stanzi manned the helm on offense again as "Joe Cool", quietly running the offense sharp and precise, and amassing 231 yds and 2 tds on 17/29 passing. It was great having him back.

The receivers all stepped up and keep the chains moving (and the points scoring), Marvin McNutt put an early fumble behind him to score a 1st quarter touchdown. Sandeman and the injured Stross both hauled in key third down receptions, with Sandeman getting a score, and DJK was able to catch a few chain-moving beauties before his ill-timed knee injury (get well soon!). However, the most dazzling pass play had to be the TE Moeaki catching a ball in open space then got a couple blockers in front of him and BLAZED the Tech defense for 54 yds.

Once Iowa had the lead, it was Kirk-ball at it's finest. Play defense, run the ball, and move the sticks. Nobody ran the ball better that night than Iowa's own "White Lightning" Brandon Wegher. He and Adam Robinson combined for 30 carries and 172 yds. No carry was more pivotal than late in the fourth quarter with the clock running and the Hawkeyes holding on to a slim 3 point lead, when the O-line just mauled Tech's defensive front and allowed White Lightning to scamper 32 yds for a "nail in the coffin" score.

As a fan watching this game, the types of images I will associate to the game will be of my Hawkeyes playing disciplined, guys like Clayborn and Angerer in Tech's backfield knocking guys around, Joe Cool Stanzi playing the game, and Kirk-ball winning the day. This was sweet, sweet victory for the Hawkeyes and the fans.

Miggs Darklighter

2009-12-30T13:32:00.001-08:00

My New Favourite Autobot-Huffer

2009-12-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

Medicated

2009-12-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

I think I have had enough cold medicine today. I am going to turn down the internet for a little bit.

A Tale of Two Girls

2009-12-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

No, not these two girls. I have no idea who they are.

I am not sure what made these memories surface today. It is possible that, upon reflecting on my perspective on violence towards women, that these two independent interactions with females from over 20 years ago could have somehow shaped my present attitude on the subject could have some merit.

Before I begin the two brief tales, I want to summarize a little background about myself, two points specifically:

As a youngster, and to a lesser extent to this day, I was very socially awkward and naive. In fact, I was naive to the point of ignorance. If it wasn't for my hyperactive friend in junior high, I may have been unaware of certain underpinnings of society well into my 20s.
Growing up, my dad only ever told about two things you NEVER do as a man: Point a gun at another human being, and hit a woman. In fact, he probably emphasized the part about hitting women a lot more than not shooting people. It's ironic, after my mom and dad split, my mom got into an abusive relationship, and before my stepmother met my dad she had been in an abusive relationship. So, despite my naivety, I had seen since a young age many different aspects of females being abused.

Now, unto the tales.

The Girl That Kicked Me In The Nuts

There is not a whole lot to tell here. There was a girl that had been at my school for a couple of years at this point. We were in 5th grade, and maybe had a class or two together. The only social contact we ever had was the day I was standing in front of my locker, I dropped something, bent over to pick it up, and she kicked me in the nuts from behind. Hard.

I hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. The weird thing is, I looked at her, and she like stood over me a few seconds before walking off with this bizarre, unmoving mask-like expression on her face.

I never told anyone about it. The subject was never approached in any aspect. I was in school with this girl for seven more years, and even still see her in town from time to time. Even though I have long since put the physical and emotional pain of the incident behind me, I have never been able to reconcile in my mind why she would have done that.

There were times I was angry, and wanted retribution. However, the teachings of my father strictly guided me away from harming women. I had to learn to let it go. I had been victimized by a 12 year old girl, and I had to just live with it.

The Girl and the Two Little Bullies

Again in fifth grade, there was another girl I knew. I knew her better than the first girl, but still did not know her well. Oddly enough, both of these girls shared some similar characteristics: neither of them were particularly attractive, both were very skinny (though girl 1 was much taller than girl 2), they both came from low income families (the term "white trash" could be applicable), and neither were particularly well educated. I don't mean any of that as a put down on either girl, it was just the reality of their situation.

Now, the gigantic difference between the two was that girl 1 was moody and "exclusive/cliquish". Girl 2 was friendly, and even though I was scared to death of girls until the age of about, oh, 20, she was one of the few that I talked to. Even though she may have been "simple", she was gentle and kind.

Unfortunately, arrogant little pricks can look at attributes like this in a female and use it to exploit them. Case in point, one day after school I was sitting alone at the top of the "big slide" in the playground (I would often go up there and sit by myself, sometimes until dark, after school just to be alone). I could see most of the school and playground from that perch. This day, I noticed two younger boys talking to girl 2. As I watched a short while longer, it was obvious they were upsetting her and teasing her (not surprising being that the boys in question were a couple of little shits). She was starting to cry.

Even though I might talk tough online, I am not a brave, principled guy. I routinely let the world go on by, content to be left alone. On this day, though, something happened and I felt compelled to intervene. I slid down the slide and walked over to the girl and the two boys (3rd graders). I asked her if the boys were bothering her and she nodded, weeping. I turned to the boys and plainly stated, "Go away and leave her alone."

Now, I don't know if they were feeling tough because there was two of them, or if my reputation as a pacifist preceded me, but the two little punks basically said, "Who is going to make us?" This is where I step even further out of my established parameters of social interactions with carbon-based life-forms...and lie to them. "You would do well to walk away now, I have been studying martial arts, including karate, and have no desire to to harm either of you." Yes, I was really that well spoken as a youngster, and yes my bluff worked. The boys left.

The girl thanked me and I offered to walk her home (she lived very close to my house). We talked about karate the whole time. I even found a stick and "karate chopped" it in two for her. She smiled and laughed the whole time.

Second Best Birthday Present Evar.

2009-12-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

Tony Pepperoni takes the power back!

Best Birthday Present Evar

2009-12-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

This was just full of win and Qaplah!

Terminator: Salvation-Summary from a Terminator fanboy

2009-12-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

(For no other reason than spite, this is what I see when pictures of Twilight are shown.)

I finally got around to watching Terminator: Salvation last weekend, I wanted to just put a few things down in writing about it, solely from the view of a Terminator fanboy. In other words, if you haven't seen all the Terminator movies, some of what I am talking about may not make sense because I am not going to give detailed background on every point.

First things first, I went into this movie with very low expectations. The director, McG, is a fucking asshat. Baseless assertion FTW! Furthermore, the previous movie (albeit a different creative team) was lackluster, in my opinion, and it's portrayal of John Connor sucked shit through a phallic straw. In short, I was not bracing myself to be "blown away" by this movie.

However, the movie ended up being not as eye-ball stabbing torturous as I feared. Luckily, even with as big of a cunt trumpet that McDouche is, he had a premise that was hard to fuck up, a decent cast (more on that later), and a good budget to throw at it. So, at this point, at least McFagtard didn't fuck this movie into the ground, like he does with his favourite pair of pajama footies.

I mentioned he had a decent cast, probably most notable being Christian Bale, Bryce Dallas Howard, Helena Bonham Carter, Sam Worthington (who did pretty good), Moon Bloodgod, and Anton Yeltsin (the saviour of the movie from an acting standpoint). Out of the main cast, I understood the Bloodgod character the least and found her totally irrelevant. I personally feel McWank gets hard by having pretty ethnic girls around, but whatever.

Easily the best, truest to lore, and happily received gift of the movie was Anton Yeltsin as a young Kyle Reese. If nothing else, Reese's spirit of survival and doing whatever it takes to live was captured, and that was really important to me. So many of the actors in this movie were so intent on being tense about the post-apocalyptic world and fighting the machines, but Yeltsin had a real laid back approach to his character that beat the pants off of everyone else. Nobody was more "comfortable in their shoes" than he was.

Giving credit where credit is due, the imagery and special effects of the movie were very well done, top to bottom. McRammalammadingdong must have a good location scout, because they did a great job of portraying a very desolate world. Furthermore, the technology of the "machines" in the movie was much more impressive than previous installments (and MUCH more believable).

Even though the dialogue didn't manage to suck major ass, the story and plotlines as a whole were pretty shitty. There were all of these little mini story arcs that just weren't prudent, worthwhile or logical. For instance, they carried over the red-headed love interest for John Connor from movie three. Apparently she is a doctor/scientist now and is pregnant (at least they avoided the vulnerable pregnant woman as a plot device) and she gets all weepy for John and shit like that and YAWN.

However, the most egregious fucking bullshit "sub-sub-sub-plot" had to be the pseudo-romance of the Bloodgod character with the Worthington character. BARFOLA! They basically use this as leverage to try to give trust and credibility to the Worthington character so he can help John Connor (Bale). However, it is rendered totally useless by the fact because no relationship whatsoever is developed between Bale and Bloodgod (so why the fuck will Connor care what she thinks about the guy?), and Connor doesn't end up trusting the Worthington character until they have a confrontation, anyway. BONG!!!

Not wanting to get to involved into any more plot spoilers, lets just say there are other...plot devices...that are rather erroneous (ie, random mute girl). Luckily they do not distract overtly from the main story arc.

Terminator fans should be pleased overall with the nods given to past movies, and they were actually worked in without being too cheesy/cornball. Perhaps my favourite was the boombox (it even looked like the boombox Connor had as a child!) blasting out Guns 'n Roses "You Could Be Mine" to lure one of the machine sentries. (Also, unrelated, but surprise "Alice In Chains" FTW!)

One little thing that was missing that would have personally brought a sense of completion into the Reese character for me was a tattoo. Let me explain. There is a rather iconic scene in the first Terminator movie where Reese describes to Sarah Connor about being captured by the machines, and he reveals a Nazi-like barcode tattoo on his forearm that they used to track him. Salvation goes as far as showing Reese being captured and imprisoned by the machines, but they never brand him with the tattoo. Is it a big deal? Probably not. Would I have really enjoyed it's inclusion? Tremendously.

In conclusion, Terminator: Salvation is not the weakest link in the chain of Terminator movies thus far. There were lots of interesting "sci-fi" components instilled that didn't subvert cherished Terminator canon, and at least one of the performers grabbed his character by the balls and put it to the camera. I would recommend this to any Terminator fan or casual sci-fi fan, but it might be a little blah to a general movie audience.

Egregious Hollywood FAIL-John Connor

2009-11-20T08:09:00.000-08:00

But there was one man who taught us to fight, to storm the wire of the camps, to smash those metal motherfuckers into junk. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink. His name is Connor. John Connor.-Kyle Reese, The Terminator (1984)

This blogpost is my attempt to help right an egregious wrong done by Hollywood to a science-fiction hero that they fucking gutted and neutered: John Connor.

In my estimation, there are few sci-fi heroes that had as much potential to be the ultimate fucking bad-ass of sci-fi cinema as John Connor did. The first Terminator movie set the stage perfectly for John, he was faceless and lived only through the tales of a soldier from the future, Kyle Reese: "You trust him. He's got a strength. I'd die for John Connor." Now you have to understand the magnitude of street cred these statements from Reese lend John, we are talking about a guy that is sent stark fucking naked into the past, finds a trenchcoat, a shotgun, and some Nike Vandals, and fucking goes killer-cyborg hunting with home-made pipebombs. When someone that fucking killer says heavy shit like he does about the man who inspired him, you can only imagine he is referring to Hercules, Kahless, Superman, or GOD.

The second Terminator movie was crucial to the development of John Connor. He is a punk kid in junior high and doesn't fucking get why his mom taught him all the shit about weapons, warfare, and kicking ass. However, when the shit gets real, little Johnny finds out he needs to nut up and be a fucking man to fucking take out the machines. Sure, he cries for Arnold at the end, but Arnold is fucking awesome so fuck you.

However, everything that fucking happens after that is complete shit. John Connor turns into a whiny, frustrated nancy-boy that can't get anything done without a girl's help, can't make his own decisions, gets a fagariffic cyborg heart transplant from a friendly robot, and can barely fucking defend himself. It's like they took Pete Wentz and told him he had to get a real job and he trows a temper tantrum.

Hollywood has fucking robbed us! Instead of a leader of men that has a psychotic hatred for machines and the ability to rape them to shreds, we got a spineless little whiny fuck that could probably get beat up by guys in chess club.

Look up at that banner pic! John Connor doesn't have time to fucking whine. John Connor does exactly FOUR THINGS in life:

Piss
Shit
Fuck
Kill robots (or instruct others to)

THAT'S IT. Notice eat and sleep aren't on there? John Connor doesn't sleep, and he doesn't fuck or kill anything he can't eat. PERIOD.

Anyway, this is my salute to you, John Connor That Should Have Been. There are those of us that believe in you and know that if the fucking robot apocalypse should ever come, you will be skullfucking it out of existence one scrapped droid at a time. QAPLAH!

Done Told Her Once Already

2009-11-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

If there is anything fucking sexier than a dumbass cunt of a pseudocelebrity with a black eye, it better go up my ass vibrating and burn my leg!

GRRR...MAN HUG!!!

2009-10-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

My unabashed man-crush for Tyler Sash continues. Even though it wasn't a pretty game, Iowa ended up pecker-slapping Indiana on Halloween. Best of all, my man Sash scored himself a TD!

(Sash awesomeness about 60 seconds into the video.)

Also, did you know if you man hug Tyler Sash, it will actually increase your sperm count?

Movie Review-The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

2009-10-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

For being described as "a motion picture that would only be entertaining to sociopaths", I would like to take a moment and speak on behalf of the sociopaths of the world in my review of Rob Zombie's broken maidenhead voyage into the medium of animation, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto. Oddly enough, I can't help but be reminded of a line from the graphic novel series, V For Vendetta, to help introduce this zany rumpus of prostate-tickling hilarity: "...They have forgotten the drama of it all...you see, they abandoned the scripts when the world withered in the glare of the nuclear footlights. I'm going to remind them about melodrama. About the tuppenny rush and the penny dreadful...You see, Evey, all the world is a stage, and everything else....is vaudeville."

Indeed, the main stage of this act is occupied by the heroes El Superbeasto (Tom Papa), his smokin' hot sister Suzi X (Sheri Moon Zombie), and her robot friend Murray (Brian Posehn) as they try to repel the villainous Dr. Satan (Paul Giamatti) and his henchman, the speaking gorilla known as Otto (Tom Kenny-none other than the voice of Sponge Bob! ed.) and their nefarious scheme to abduct Velvet Von Black (voiced by Rosario Dawson and described in her intro song as "able to suck the gay off a painting of a unicorn") and make her Dr. Satan's unholy bride to unleash the power of HELL ON EARTH!

...

Well, fuck me running! I didn't mean to reveal the whole plot in one gigantic run-on sentence, but what that synopsis doesn't reveal is all of the absolutely ridiculous and over the top hilarity and shenanigans that befall El Superbeasto on his way to confronting Dr. Satan. The entire movie (just right at 77 minutes, by the way) is akin to a gigantic episode of School House Rock gone horrifically wrong with tits, Satanism, and dick jokes. The pacing of events is just absurd, with Rob Zombie letting off the gas pedal here and there just enough for you to catch your breath before the next turn to "Who-knows-where?" happens.

One thing that was personally gratifying for me was how the satirical look at misogynism, racism, vile language, sex, and violence wasn't even thinly veiled. The simple honesty of the feature being "what it is" and not chickening out and pulling punches was refreshing. The main attraction of this animated film to me was it's willingness to be just a little different and the "Who gives a fuck?" approach to it's construct.

Now, with all of that being said, no one is going to confuse this with animated masterpieces like Fantasia or use it's name in the same context of Heavy Metal. No one is going to mistake this for high theater or lay out a red carpet for Rob Zombie to accept an Oscar. It's just not what El Superbeasto is about. However, what it does offer is a really neat cast of talents (add Zombie favorites like Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley, and Sid Haig to the aforementioned cast), unique characters, super fun music, and all of the over-enunciated and boiled over imaginative process that Rob Zombie has to offer.

Finally, even though The Haunted World of El Superbeasto personally had me laughing to the point of choking, it's not the film for everybody. If you think you will hate it, you are probably right. If you think you will love it, you are probably right. For those of you on the fence, if you are not emotionally attached to that $4 you have, treat yourself to a tuppenny rush and penny dreadful.

EPIC WIN

2009-10-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

The win is so epic, I am going to just summarize then link to an article:

Iowa remains undefeated at 8-0.
They are the first 8-0 team in school history.
We won on fourth down with 2 seconds left in the game with a TD pass. (Stanzi to McNutt)
That picture? THE Catch.

What a time to be alive! GO HAWKS!

(Here is that article I promised to link.)

Bonus! KCRG put up a vid!

Tim Dwight-More Than A Football Hero

2009-10-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

For me, memories of Tim Dwight start long before Super Bowl touchdowns, Iowa Hawkeye Football in Kinnick Stadium, or the red and white of Iowa City High. They go back to a playground at Mark Twain Elementary school and a bunch of kids playing kickball. There was a fence out past the swings, and the really good kickballplayers could kick it out by them swings, a home run for sure, but no one ever kicked it OVER the fence. Well, no one until Tim Dwight.

Growing up, Tim Dwight was a year ahead of me in school, and was always the ultimate "cool guy". He was the fastest, the strongest, and best at every sport. He was our star player on our football team and led us to a state football championship his senior year. He went on to play as an Iowa Hawkeye as one of the most popular ever "Homegrown Hawks". He put up blazing kick return touchdowns and caught for more yards than any Hawkeye ever had. When college was done, he went on to have a great decade-long pro-career, the bulk of it with the Atlanta Falcons and San Diego Chargers.

Now, for a normal guy in Iowa City that is a lot of good reasons to have Tim Dwight as a football hero. However, the reason he's one of my heroes is because of something a little more. It's not because he's a big star, a big football hero, it's because of the way he treats other people, especially children and children with disabilities. In fact, he holds an annual football camp to help fund his Tim Dwight Foundation Scholarship. Even a cursory search for images of Tim Dwight turns up many pictures of him interacting with children, and most of all BEING POSITIVE about it.

Even on a personal note for myself, Tim is just a nice guy. I used to be too shy to approach him in high school (I wasn't one of the "cool guys"), but once I finally talked to him, I found out he wasn't a "cool guy", he was just a guy like me or someone else. Polite, courteous, positive, well-spoken, enthusiastic, intelligent, giving...the kind of virtues you are glad are exemplified in a young man in a prominent role that comes from a small city in Iowa. Thank you for representing us so well, Touchdown Timmy!

I am seething.

2009-10-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

I read this article this morning, and now all I can see is red. (Super brief summary, old white justice of the peace refuses to marry interracial couples.) You know what? If you want to be a racist asshole, just come right on out and say it. Don't pretend to be anything else. The thing that fucking kills me is the first words out of this dicksponge's mouth:

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way,"

Merriam Webster defines:

Main Entry: hyp·o·crite
Pronunciation: \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
Date: 13th century

1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

**************

Asshole, racist, hypocrite...but he is doing it all because he cares for the children!

"There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage," Bardwell said. "I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it."

OK, if your eyes don't look like Donald Duck's up there at this point, there is something seriously fucking wrong with you. Yes, fuckhead's fucked up reason for being a asshole racist hypocrite is that he doesn't want the poor little mixed kids to suffer.

He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

WELL SHIT THE BED! This oughta fucking help! Let me summarize your position here, Fartwell, "You disgusting mixed children are such an unholy abomination I am going to do everything in my power to make sure you aren't even born into this world...because I care about you." Does that about sum it up you fucking pig? Boy howdy, nothing like sending a positive, reaffirming message of "You should have never been born." to all the little mixed kids of the world, huh fuckwit???

Still, with all of the blatant fucking ignorance and intolerance this guy spews in the few short sentences he had available, nothing kills me more than this:

"I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom."

I feel I simply must apologize here, Fartwell. I didn't realize you had "black friends", that makes everything better and absolves you of being a racist fuck...honestly! Use your bathroom? It must have fucking killed you that you didn't have a "Colored Bathroom" installed!

You fucking asshole. I have friends that happen to be black, too! But I don't call them my "black friends", they are just my FRIENDS. You can pretend all you want in your mind that you aren't a racist, but you are and you might as well just fucking admit it. If you were really interested in helping mixed children, you might just start treating them like children need to be treated, with love, care, and support.

Tyler Sash is actually a comic book hero

2009-10-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

Tyler Sash solidified himself as a Hawkeye legend when he led the Hawkeyes into Ames in 2009 and curb-stomped the living fuck out of the Cyclones. His three interception and one forced fumble effort only tells part of the story that is the unparalleled manliness and assbeat that is Tyler Sash. So, to help round out the urban legend of Tyler Sash, I offer you this:

Top Ten Absolutely 100% True Facts* You Don't Know About Tyler Sash

Tyler Sash is actually a cyborg sent from the future by Klingons to be awesome.
Tyler Sash saved a kitty from a tree by willing the tree to die.
Tyler Sash hides under the boogieman's bed.
When Tyler Sash finds Brittney, he is going to hang her from the Nile Kinnick statue with her own intestines.**
Tyler Sash stays in prison during his free time so he can beat up pedophiles between games and not "mellow" his "harsh".
Tyler Sash drinks Jobu's rum, and there isn't a fucking thing Jobu can do about it.
If Tyler Sash finds out one of his teammates didn't eat their Wheaties, he eats their spleen.
Tyler Sash broke the rock. With his dick.
When Tyler Sash ass-pats you in the shower, it actually makes you more of a man. If he towel whips you, it's because he cares.
Science is sure that there is no "kryptonite" for Tyler Sash.

*probably not true
**if Tyler is actually the player in question, I apologize. That's not cool.

Awesome Dream-Jedi Master Dalton

2009-10-02T08:15:00.001-07:00

Dor sho gha! I had one of the most action-packed, pseudo-sci-fi, kung-fu-fightin' dreams last night! Check it out:

Dalton was straight up the first Jedi ever. He perceived that he must search out for a student, and began to wander. Now, Dalton is still Dalton and his wandering landed him a job as a bouncer for some titty-bar somewhere. Oddly enough, Dalton found his student when a young guy who was broke, down on his luck, and homeless came looking for a job as a bouncer. (He's kind of nameless in the dream, but he was a naive, wimpy, nerdy guy...kinda like Michael Cera. Also, after this point in the dream my perception shifts only between 1st person on Wimpy and 3rd person of Dalton.) Dalton takes this guy under his wing and starts training him to be a badass.

Well, one Saturday night when the club is hoppin', this gigantic mean-lookin' hillbilly (that oddly resembled Robert Baker from Chinese Connection) comes in, and Dalton knows this guy is trouble before he even finishes lookin' him up and down. No sooner than he gets through the door, Hillbilly starts cussin', demanding whiskey, and feeling up the girls. Dalton looks over to Wimpy (who is trying to talk to the waitress he is sweet on) and gives a whistle. Wimpy snaps to and runs over to Dalton's side.

Dalton and Wimpy walk over to the Hillbilly and Dalton gives him the polite routine about asking him to please leave. The request goes over like a lead balloon, Hillbilly pulls a hunting knife and grabs Wimpy, holding the knife to his throat. Hillbilly says some shit about, "How bad you gonna be Dalton, when I do yer boy in, right here?"

In the long list of Klingon proverbs, one of the lesser-known but fundamentally truthful is "Don't fuck with Dalton." Unfortunately for Hillbilly, he was not well-versed in Klingon proverbs and when he goes to stab Wimpy the knife flies out of his hand! Dalton's eyes are glowing bright white and he is surrounded by a faint glowing aura (think, "The Glow" from The Last Dragon) as the knife leaps into his hand. No sooner than Dalton receives the knife then he returns it to Hillbilly in his shoulder. Hillbilly screams in pain, lets go of Wimpy, and the real fight is ON.

Now, this next part is why I love my fucking dreams. Dalton yells at the girls to get Wimpy away and keep him safe (I told you the kid was a pussy), and he and Hillbilly start wrecking the place with epic ass kicking! Remember how I told you my perception of the dream goes from 3rd to 1st person on Wimpy? Well, as all hell is breaking loose around me with Dalton doing all kinds of Ninja Jedi shit, the girls are corralling me back to their dressing room. I keep telling them I need to go help Dalton, so they do the one thing they KNOW will distract a nerdy loser like me. Oh, that is fucking right!!! I start getting done by three strippers while two of them are holding me down in a chair!!! (Kahless, I am not worthy.)

The story does not end there, though! No sooner is Wimpy finished becoming a man, but Dalton has kicked Hillbilly's ass and tossed what's left out on the street. Dalton walks over to Wimpy at the bar just covered in blood (some of it his, most of it Hillbilly's) and they celebrate both of their accomplishments by eating hot fudge sundaes. BOO YA!

You Have Been Put On Notice

2009-09-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

In 1977, Roman Polanski was arrested in Los Angeles and pleaded guilty to "unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor", a 13-year-old girl (he was 44 years old at the time). Released after a 42-day psychiatric evaluation, Polanski fled to France, has had a U.S. arrest warrant outstanding since 1978, and an international arrest warrant since 2005. Polanski for many years avoided visits to countries that were likely to extradite him, such as the United Kingdom, and traveled mostly between France, where he resides, and Poland. As a French citizen, he was protected in France by the country's limited extradition with the U.S. On September 26, 2009, he was arrested, at the request of U.S. authorities, by Swiss police, on arrival at Zürich Airport while trying to enter Switzerland to pick up a lifetime achievement "Golden Icon Award" from the Zurich Film Festival.

Doesn't sound so bad, right? A chicken-shit, law-dodging child-raper finally getting what he deserves! Well, here comes the part that makes me sick:

There is a petition that has been signed by prominent "big name" movie directors and performers, basically asking to free Polanski cuz he's such a swell guy and it's all water under the bridge at this point anyway. (Shitty English translation here.)

Furthermore, the minimalization of the crime Polanski committed is astonishing. When such off-hand remarks by prominent celebrities sound like, "I know it wasn’t rape-rape", that means the apologetics for Polanski are getting pretty fucking weak.

Fuck all of you. You are all put on notice officially as of this moment. If anyone, I don't care who, defends Polanski or spews the bullshit apologetics for him in MY presence, your ass is grass. Flat out.

“He who does not punish evil commands it to be done.” - Leonardo da Vinci

10/2/2009: Awesome update! Both Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and leading sex-abuse victim advocate Joelle Casteix have publicly criticized the "Polanski supporters" and voiced their opinion that Polanski should face the law just like anyone else. Boo ya, Pedanski, try escaping from Conan the Barbarian!

Fucking Douchebag

2009-09-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

So, some squirrely lookin' guido-beach-wannabe douchebag comes into my office and starts asking around for the CEO of our company like he knows him (he doesn't). He got his needledick all bent out of shape when I kept brushing him off and had to whip out his PDA to make himself look important.

I bet this guy sticks things up his ass and jerks off in front of a mirror. Fucking douchebag.

Donk wins...AGAIN

2009-09-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

So, DNASteal was nice enough to introduce us to Sxv’Leithan Essex at Filmdrunk. The Mighty Feklahr challeneged the Drunkards to come up with the pronunciation of "Sxv’Leithan". The winner is (like he never wins anything):

Donkey Hodey says:

Sfifteen lee-tan

There you have it! Suck it, Sfifteen lee-tan!

INCREDIBLEy Not Disappointing!

2009-08-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

So, I was home sick yesterday and my mom rented me that Incredible Hulk movie with Ed Norton. Having exceedingly low expectations after the incredible shitfest the last Hulk movie was, I was actually surprised that this one didn't blow dirty Samoan Football Player ass.

I am not going to review the movie per se, but I am going to point out a small point that I found overlooked in many reviews (1) of the Incredible Hulk I read. *SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE A YEAR OLD AHEAD AND SPECULATION FOR A POSSIBLE SEQUEL TO A YEAR OLD MOVIE AHEAD!*

So, there is the supporting character of Dr. Samuel Sterns who helps turn Tim Roth into the villainous "Abomination". However, during the transformation process, we see Dr. Sterns get hit with some of Abomination's blood and his head starts..."poofing out".

Well, anyone that considers themselves even remotely well-versed in Marvel comic lore realizes that they are laying a trail of breadcrumbs for Dr. Sterns to be the possible villain in a possible sequel, a harrowing and fiendish lout named...LEADER! Oh, fuck, not that fucking loser! Leader sucks shit!

This is where I assert a more promising character for lead villain in a possible Hulk sequel: Bi-Beast! This guy is so gnarly he can suck you off and toss your salad at the same time, and doesn't play favourites when comes to boys and girls! Besides, if you need any more evidence that this guy NEEDS to be in a movie, read the opening segment from his bio:

"Bi-Beast was the android caretaker of a floating island formerly inhabited by a race of Bird People."

Now that is fuckin' HAWT!

Bacon Covered Clown

2009-08-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

Following is a list of events/items from my vacation to the Iowa State Fair that I found to be amusing/pleasurable/horrifying and generally somewhat interesting:

There was a clown miked up in a dunk tank that would taunt you as you tried to hit the target with the softball. When I missed the first time he says, "I bet if that was a bacon cheeseburger you wouldn'ta missed it! NYA HA HA HAA!" (BTK, if that clown had a family, his remains are stuffed under the Tilt-A-Whirl.)
There was an "evolution critics" display in the Varied Industries building. They had great fundie literature straight from the Creation Museum in Kentucky. Yeah.
The voice of the Hawkeyes, Bob Brooks was there and signed my Hawkeye hat! QAPLAH!
Furthermore, the Hawkeyes had cheerleaders handing out free posters, a trophy case with out latest Bowl trophy, AND FLOYD OF ROSEDALE! ZOMG! (Oddly enough, there was a small, quiet table with a few posters laying on it at the Iowa State booth...)
HONEY. LEMONADE. FTW. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Lemonade Tacos.
Really great art exhibit by people with disabilities. Those people are a trillion times more creative and inspired than the average scarf wearing art fag.
Now, for the single most redneck thing I saw: There was a..."display" where a monster truck was positioned over a smashed car, and a HUGE sign from the truck window read, "CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON ON A STICK 2 FOR $5!" Like...seriously.

I get into religious arguments

2009-08-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

A time-killer I recently picked up is "debating" fundamental religious types, the really ignorant, venom-spitting ones. It all stemmed from my incredulity at a measure being taken in a school board in Georgia a few years back to undermine the teaching of Evolution in public schools. I simply couldn't believe (initially) that something like that would take place in this day and age.

WRONG!

Not only does the idiotic voice of "Special Creation" still exist, some of the mouthbreathers have figured out how to use the interwebs and are using it as a tool to spread their ignorant message (you know, "Evilooshun is wrong because god made us perfect and scientists are trying to indoctrinate our children into atheism", and shit like that).

Anyway, here is a dime-a-dozen example of trying to communicate with these morons:

Fundy with a Bible-"The bible makes many statements... one being the fact, that God not only created everything, but he controls it... by the bible's estimate this is true... What is it so hard to believe he allowed the sun to stand still, wouldn't it be much harder to create it?... what evidence do you have that he didn't? You have none... therefore, your decision that God does not exist, is based on faith, as well!"

Me being tongue-in-cheek with reply-"What is it so hard to believe Kahless allowed the sun to stand still, wouldn't it be much harder to create it?... what evidence do you have that Kahless didn't? You have none... therefore, your decision that Kahless does not exist, is based on faith, as well!"

Fundy with a Bible reponds-"I agree! You have finally said something thatmakes sense..."

********************************

In summary, fundies only understand you when you speak sarcastically about imaginary characters. I guess in some kind of cosmic joke kind of way this could be funny, but in reality these people are just cow-fucking morons.

The Manliest Living Performers

2009-08-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

This is a simple exercise in idol worship from a Klingon impersonating accountant from Iowa.

THE MANLIEST LIVING PERFORMERS

Clint Eastwood-If you don't understand why "Clintoris" is #1, you are reading the wrong blog and need to go kill yourself. If it wasn't for guys like Mr. Eastwood, America would be full of cardigan-sweater-wearing teetoalers that clean house and read Twilight novels.
The Undertaker-This is a simple fucking formula. Blood/violence/pyrotechnics? Check. Muscles/tattoos? Check. Undead themes/awesome music? Check. STEEL CAGE MATCHES? Check. Chewing tobacco/motorcycles/biker babes? Check. Throw in having a manager that is deep south ex-Air Force, and getting to beat up Randy Orton whenever you want, and you have a the kind of man that would kick Thor's ass.
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Even though he has been delegated to gubernatorial duties, Ahnold could ride the coattails of his performance in the Conan movies alone into one of these top spots.
Robert Downey Jr.- In our first real departure from the ultra macho and performance enhancing, we have a man that has churned out astonishing performances that were fortunately caught on tape between outlandish binges of sex, drugs, rock n roll, and "Who fucking knows?" To summarize, RDJ is so manly that his johnson is the only thing that Paris Hilton's cooch (or Perez Hilton's ass) fears. I am certain the only thing that could kill RDJ is a nuke or the Crimson Dynamo.
Sir Ian McKellen-That's right, fuckwits. He's been Macbeth, he's been Gandalf, and he will ruin your shit. Don't believe me? Watch this clip and tell me you didn't feel emasculated:

Oh yeah, you just got served.

Honourable mention-Patrick Swayze-When life serves you an ex-con that "used to fuck guys like you in prison", do what ol' Dalton does. Tear his fucking throat out.

*update-Well, technically ol' Dalton ain't with us on this fine planet any more, BUT as long as one copy of Roadhouse exists on VHS or DVD...Dalton...will...never...die.

Hammer Doomforger

2009-07-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

You should have known damn well doing a search for that name would lead you here.

Hammer Doomforger is my Dwarven fighter in various D&D/LOTRO games.

Fuckin' American Nazis. I Hate American Nazis!

2009-07-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well, as we all know I am pretty cavalier with the ol' insensitive ethnic stereotyping around here, but when does racism cease being funny and amusing and start being harmful?

How about shitting everything one of the greatest generations our country has ever had (both of my grandfathers fought the Nazis in WWII) and becoming a gun-toting Aryan asshat more concerned with keeping the white race pure than defending the nation you swore an oath to protect (making you a liar and a traitor!)?

Now, I *COULD* go on with my condemnation of these treasonous fucks, but let's skip that and get down to what the ol' Uncle Fekky does best: make fun of assholes!

Here's some fine examples of what these spineless, racist HaDiBahs have to say for themselves!

Asshat 1: "We must secure the exsistance of our people and a future for white children!"

Asshat 2: "I like to have fun, like to be intellectual when i need to be and a goofball when i can as well." ed.-good luck counting the grammar mistakes there! Not to mention the searing irony...

Asshat 3 (a double header of retardation!): "Its better to live one day as a lion, Than a hundred years as a sleep"

"...if we stay divided we will fade out of existences."

Asshat 4: "Family values are issential in preserving our race."

That's swell, guys. Thanks for reinforcing the idea in my head of hooking up a shotgun to my penis with my ejaculatory duct as the trigger followed by an operation to remove a couple ribs so I can "blow myself away".

Worthless Dick Scum

2009-07-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

I admit I get some bizarre, guilty pleasure out of reading celebrity gossip. Why? I don't know. If I was forced to guess, I would say it is because I hate so many people, especially wealthy people that think they are pretty and important.

However, in my unfortunate grasping to get my fix, I have learned of "pseudo-celebrity" douchebag asswipes that infect our planet like little worthless fuckers, and I would have been better off never know of them and possibly being lobotomized to forget them.

So, even though I really have no one to blame but myself, I am going to be a hypocrite and blame WWTDD.com (well, and to a lesser extent, Filmdrunk) for exposing me to the following worthless leeches on humanity, whom I would never have known otherwise because I only watch football, MMA, and pro-wrestling on tv and virtually never go to movies:

Paris Hilton
Perez Hilton
Lindsay Lohan
Miley Cyrus
Lady Gaga
Rihanna
Chris Brown
Zac Efron
Jonas Brothers
Pete Wentz
Ashley/Jessica Simpson
That tubby little pregnant sister of Briney Spears'
Victoria Beckham
Lily Allen
Michael Bay (fuck his stupid ass)
Uwe Boll
Twilight and all the bullshit associated with it
Robert Pattinson
Kristen Stewart
Diablo Cody
Brooke Hogan
Nick Hogan
That Jon/Kate/8 ABOMINATION
Sienna Miller (what a cunt)
all of them dingleberry cuntfags from those shitty MMA movies (you are 130 lbs soaking wet, dickslap...OOOOO! SO INTIMIDATING! OH WHA AH AH AH! I TAKE SHITS BIGGER THAN YOU!)
GLARING OMISSION #1-Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (talk about a couple of fucking worthless shits)
Carrie Prejean
Justin Bieber

I will add to this as I see fit. I hope all of the fucking dirtbag, bottom-feeding losers on this list get the same butthole disease that killed Michael Jackson! Baseless assertion FTW!

Komments of the Week!

2009-06-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

It's that time of the month...He means week! Time to recognize this week's excellence in commenting! Dor sho gha! This week's winner receives a free self-addressed, stamped envelope in which to send The Mighty Feklahr nude pictures of themselves. Let's see who won!

In the Best Dream Evar? thread:

Stephanie said...: Oh, Fekky. I am both shaken and stirred.
Rowr! Qaplah! YOU WIN!

Best Dream Evar?

2009-06-02T14:35:00.000-07:00

If ever there was a dream that stroked the ego, it would have to be a dream about being James Bond. Not girly neo-emo James Bond, we are talking cigarette smoking, woman smacking, martini drinking, panty-dropping Bond. The fucking Alpha Male of Alpha Males.

The fucking dream could not have started any better, I cruised into this port town (some coastal European place) on my battleship-like yacht and strolled right on in to the swankiest hotel and had a drink and my hand and surrounded by naked women in three seconds flat. You see, this hotel offered a nightly "dance production" (think big stage Vegas Showgirl shit) to showcase the available women forthe evening. After the the dance number, you could mingle with them to make you selection for the night. Oh, and of course the girls are all topless and gorgeous. (Kahless, I love my fucking dreams sometimes.)

This particular dance routine had a swimming theme for it, so afterwards the girls dried off and met you in the lounge. Some fuckwad was there in scuba gear (an apparent social statement about the dance routine). A drunk Russian pulls me aside and says to me, "Look at him, he ees like homosexual cosmonaut! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!"

Ivan was totally ruining my pussy-magnet mojo, so it was time to shut down the vodka plant. I have no idea what I said next (because it was all in Russian), but I can only imagine it was the Russian equivalent of "Let a hungry Carpathian long-haired she-wolf blow your dick, fuck!", because Ivan was fucking RUINED.

After I shot down the walking vodka bottle, I turned on the pussy radar Q gave me and went on the prowl. I was like the rooster in the hen house. I knew all I had to do was find the one I liked and she would be mine. Oddly enough, the girl I found wasn't one of the topless dancers, it was a girl working on a laptop behind a desk (an administrator for whoring?). She was an absolutely gorgeous red-head with green-eyes, an Irish-man's delight, and she was a shorty, too, 4'10" tops. I didn't even fuck around, I walked over, shut her laptop, and motioned to the VIP section of the restaurant saying simply, "You can join me for dinner over there."

She tried to act all incredulous, but it was too long before I had her on my yacht rubbing her cooter in my face. (Kahless, I love my dreams sometimes!) I had this gigantic round bed with silk sheets on my yacht, it was a ballers paradise. After the dust had settled and we were talking about life and shit like that, I heard motors of boats humming!

I jumped up wearing nothing but my boxer briefs with a kevlar crotch and opened a cabinet filled with automatic weapons and shotguns and grabbed an AK-47 (why fuck around?). I looked out a porthole to see that I was being boarded by pirates from a few small boats. These pirates were fucking hilarious, all of them had these outlandish costumes like vikings or super heroes. This is the part of the dream where I go from "Karl Hungus 007" to "N64 Goldeneye" in the flash of a 9mm.

The gun fight was ludicrous, I had 50 guys shooting at me, but the yacht had them locked out of my "secure zone", so I could run around to portholes and blow their asses away. At one point, they had me pinned down pretty good in the galley. At one point I was literally using the refrigerator for cover. Bullets are shrieking in and blasts the refrigerator door open, and literally shoot a beer into my hand and pops the top!!! (Kahless, I love my dreams sometimes, oh, and eat my ass Indiana Jones!)

When I mow their numbers down to about 20 or so, they decide to flee. However, this gigantic helicopter flies in (presumably one of my government allies), shines this big spotlight on the pirates as they are standing without cover on the deck of my yacht. Then, whoever is in the fucking helicopter just mows their asses down with machinegun fire (glad they didn't sink my boat!), it was just carnage.

After a salute to the captain of the whirly bird, I go back to my den of sin and my lusty Irish lass (who, of course, wants to toss my salad for being so awesome like John Matrix from "Commando"), and all's well that ends well.

Rader Love

2009-06-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

(see if you can guess where I took Radar Love lyrics out and put Dennis Rader poetry in!)

I've been drivin' all night, my hand's wet on the wheel
I'll bring sexual death unto you for me.
In that small world of longing, rapture, fear
Oh, Anna Why Didn't You Appear

When she's lonely and the longing gets too much
I didn't kill your family but I admire the work.
We don't need no phone-cord at all
We've got a thing that's called Rader love
We've got a wave in the air, Rader love

Last Person On Earth

2009-05-27T10:33:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it might be like to be the last person on Earth? What the hell would you do as the last known sentient being on the planet?

These types of thoughts have occurred to me before, and I often tried to imagine I would try to something noble and magnanimous, however, when I thought about what I would probably really want to do, it would be summed up like the following:

First thing I do is find my ass a Dodge Viper and drive that bitch like a bat out of hell. No AAA? No towing service? No EMTs? NO PROBLEM!

Once I got my situation with my wheels covered, I start my nationwide cruise that has exactly THREE stops in every town I visit.

Grocery store. For canned food and other life neccessities (booze).
Police stations. Why you ask? Well, stupid, where else am I supposed to find drugs and guns stockpiled all nice and easy? Furthermore, if you gotta ask what I need the guns for being the only person alive, there's a good reason you are dead in this timeline.
Sex shops. To complete my tour of the United States, I am going to defile every Livedoll/Realdoll I can find. However, I am going to find the "perfect" one and save her/him for a special occasion.

Now at some point, I figure I will unintentionally sober up and get bored of the tour, so I will head for the grand finale. It kicks off with a drive to Washington DC. I will take my "perfect" little Livedoll and screw it on the desk in the oval office.

After my farewell fuck, I fulfill my last dream. I teach myself to fly a fighter jet!!! OH WHA AH AH AH!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHFFFFUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!

KERBOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like to imagine I at least fire off a few of the missiles before I crash it.

Tessto

2009-05-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

So, I was thinking to myself how awesome the tessto was, and decided to do a web search about it only to find THERE IS EXACTLY JACK AND SHIT ABOUT TESSTOS ON THE INTERNET!!!

This was a travesty of awesomeness that needed correcting, so here we have it:

RESPECT THE TESSTO!

For avid fans of Dungeons & Dragons, some may recognize the tessto as a weapon of choice for minotaurs. And why not? They kick ass! A cookie-cutter definition looks like:

The tessto is a 6'-long studded club with a loop of rope at its hilt. Using this weapon offensively requires great Strength. A cunning master can use the tessto defensively by spinning it around its center like a baton, and using its loop to snag feet, hands, and heads.

In layman's terms, the tessto is like a gigantic fat branch with these big, barbed and spikey studs all over it. It can not only pummel an enemy, but shred him as well...LOOK!

Can you even imagine anything more assbeat than that?! The fucking frog guy got beat upside that fucking tree so hard it blew his fucking brains out AND the tessto is wrenching out his fucking intestines!!! BAM!!!

So there it is, the coolest weapon in the universe: The tessto.

Die cuntscab!

2009-05-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

OK, so my company has a toll free number that we use ONLY for when we list job openings in the paper (which we do maybe twice a year). It gets used so little, it is almost shocking when a call comes in on that line.

Furthermore, we have lots of numbers for lots of people where I work. Being that I take over 90% of the incoming calls to the company, I need to know these numbers (and I do). In fact, the amount of company numbers I have committed to memory is astonishing. However, I cannot recite the toll free number off the top of my head. We hardly ever use it.

So, I get this call today from this bitch who is obviously in a HUGE fucking hurry. She tells me she needs to be transferred to extension "XYZ" (for the sake of brevity/privacy). Well, we don't have an extension "XYZ", so I ask her who she is trying to contact. She states, "Oh, well I most likely have the wrong number, isn't this '877-ABC-DEFG'?"

At this point, I am thinking, "Well that almost sounds like our toll free number, maybe a digit off." So I start saying to her, "Just a sec...", as I check our phone listings and she cuts in on me, "OH WOW, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR OWN PHONE NUMBER??? WOW! SCARY! I AM JUST GOING TO HANG UP AND TRY CALLING THIS NUMBER AGAIN!" *CLICK*

Yeah, so some cunt that admittedly thought she called the wrong number called me ignorant, insulted my intelligence, and hung up on me. Look for her on the back of a milk carton next week.

New Dream-2 girls 1...Klingon?

2009-05-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

OK, this dream makes for a pretty uninteresting story, and I am only really telling it because I got to bang two hot chicks in it. Let's go!

So, I had become reacquainted with a girl I knew from high school (let's call her "Blondie"). She was a pretty girl 12 years ago, and in my dream she had matured very nicely. We were at her apartment talking when her roommate (oddly enough one of the hottest strippers {let's call her "Garter"} I had seen when in Key West) came home flustered and crying.

Garter explained to that she had just caught her boyfriend cheating on her and broke up with him, and was really mad at him, furious. Blondie then says to her, "You should find the first guy with a big dick and fuck his brains out to spite that asshole!", then she motions over to me. (Oh, yeah, we are on a collision course with a porno plot!)

The funny thing was that, in the dream, I was actually thinking "Oh I shouldn't, I'm married, she's upset and will regret it..." and so on, but then I start necking with with Garter and Blondie starts undressing with the cute little quip, "You guys don't mind, right?", I suddenly found myself not really giving a shit.

I will spare you the "Penthouse Forum" part of this dream, save to tell you that the dream for a while was fucking explicit and raunchy. (My fave is when I was doing Garter from behind, Blondie gets a bottle of lube and tells me to pull out. She squirts lube all over my schlong and Garter's ass and guides me in. Fucking SWEET! Ooops, a little Penthouse Forum after all!)

There was also a subplot afterward of the girls selling drugs and me having to pretend I was so high I was comatose, but fuck it. I got to be the lightning rod for a threesome spite fuck with two hot girls!

Well, in my dreams. :/

This PG rated politically correct world can bite it

2009-04-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

When did we become so spineless as a species that we have to constantly protect the sensibilities of every possible person from every possible point of fucking view? The watered-down, PG rated, politically correct media is starting to stunt the intellectual growth of this nation (and beyond, I suspect).

My philosophy is, ANYTHING can be brought to the discussion table, regardless of how "awkward" it may seem to talk about. The longer we shy away from saying just what the fuck it is on our minds and saying it plainly, the more obfuscated social dialect and discussion will become, and less relevant!

There are so many cases, I just don't even know where to begin. Of course people that use their religious beliefs (or lack thereof) to cry "Foul!" infuriate me:

Some dipshit atheist decides to complain about a Nativity scene displayed at a Public Library during Christmas. I am sure he went through and objected to other religious materials the library has in non-holiday times as well. Sanctimonious fuck. Listen, fuckweed, they put up a nativity display, they didn't hold you down and try to exorcise your atheistic demon and convert you. MOVE ALONG. If you are an atheist, what the fuck do you care about a motherfucking Nativity scene?
The fucking Muslims go apeshit when a Danish newspaper publishes cartoons of Muhammed. FUCK THEM AND THEIR HIGH HOLY FUCKING HORSE THEY RODE IN ON. So what if there are a billion of you assholes on the planet, that just means there are about 6 billion that aren't. I guess if your God was so fucking mighty, He would have stopped the cartoons from being published, right? RIGHT?
Of course the dumbass Pope has to condemn a sculpture depicting a crucified frog. Let that sink in, people. We seriously have one of the highest religious "authorities" on the planet condemning a piece of art as blasphemous. Fine. For every piece of art the Vatican labels as blasphemous, I am going to make a drawing that is obscenely blasphemous. I feel inspired! Holy shit! No burning bushes or talking snakes stopped me from doing it!!!

Ugh, and message boards in general have all of these fucking rules about what they consider to be civil behaviour and language. Well, guess what? The Ku Klux Klan can use civil language, that doesn't make their dogshit message worth listening to! Civility goes out the fucking door the second STUPID arrives!!! Why the fuck am *I* under the obligation to be tolerant of an asshat that comes a-strollin' on in, throws blanket ignorant statements all over the the board, and then says, "I am entitled to my opinion."???

People fucking love feeling entitled. However, nobody wants the responsibility that is coupled with forming an opinion. It could be my opinion that we fucking kill by toilet drowning all men named "Vince", but it would be an opinion hinging on bizarre fucking cruel fantasy! By what right do I assert that? "Well it sounded good to me at the time!" FUCK TOO! Spouting off your opinion is worthless, backing it up with rational thought is PARAMOUNT. Far too few people want to back up their opinion with rational thought. More than likely, they have have an emotional response to something ("Eew, gays are icky!") then form all opinions for that "something" based on their emotional response. ("Since gays are icky, they should all be burned in an oven to death.") THAT'S NOT HOW LOGIC WORKS.

Here's a fucking swerve in the rant for you, why the fuck can't I use the word "nigger". It's the most dime-a-dozen fucking word in hip-hop vernacular, but the second fucking a white guy like me says it, IT'S RACIST. Shit, too! It's just entitlement in a different form. My "white guilt" has a limit and does not extend to where I self-censor my expression of thought. Why is it so off limits? Why can't we even approach the subject? That "empowerment" you must be feeling by taking a word that was used to deride you and make it a commonplace colloquialism in your microcosmic linguistics must be VERY intoxicating! Oh, sorry, it is just another self-imposed divide on ethnic relations. "We can use Word A and you may not." is NOT unifying.

What this all is boiling down to is that "delicately phrased" bullshit rhetoric is still bullshit rhetoric, and "disturbing, poorly worded" logic is still logic. When we put up this pretense of civil discourse, more attention gets paid to the verbiage as opposed to the content and relevant information is lost. It is intellectually dishonest to self-censor ourselves. (And, no, this isn't a call to yell, "FIRE!" in a crowded cafeteria...) The more we undermine our ability to plainly express ourselves, the more we undermine our ability to understand, respect, and comprehend each other plainly. Are we so weak-spined that we cannot bear the brunt of harsh truth?

I take shits more interesting than this broad

2009-04-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am going to preface this post with the fact that I despise Perez Hilton. I think he is a world class douchequeef, and I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. He is as important to the human race as my blog is, which is no glowing commendation on my part.

However, when someone can steal Perez Hilton's FAIL-fucktacular thunder, I tend to take notice. Enter Miss California 2009. When asked about gay marriage, she eloquently stammers out like a retard, "We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite. And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman...No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."

Good for you. Marry a man if you want to. I married a woman. What the fuck do I care if Suzy and Sally down the street want to get married, or Bill and Ted in the upstairs apartment, WHAT FUCKING DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE TO ME AND MY MARRIAGE?

As I have said on this blog before, I am no gay rights activist. At best I am indifferent, but when these sanctimonious fucks parade out in the public spotlight and advertise their intolerance a part of me seethes and burns. Good job, Miss California, you regurgitated your indoctrinated Christian beleifs. We are SO proud of you!

Oh, and as if all of this bullshit want bad enough, Faux News has picked this up and made her the new baby-face of the right. (How did the last beauty queen work out for you fucking retarded fuckstick assholes?) They portray her as "courageous" for "standing up for what she believes in". How courageous are they going to label the people that finally get tired of their bigoted rhetoric and finally shut their asses down for good?

I hope you enjoy your 15 minutes, Miss California. I further hope you don't mind Faux News shagging every ounce of spin they can get out of your pretty blonde Aryan archetype ass before they toss you aside. What's Sarah Palin been up to lately? Funny, I don't know, either.

I write timely movie reviews-"Religulous"

2009-04-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

Anyone that is familiar at all with Bill Maher's viewpoint on religion and has passing familiarity with "mockumentaries" pretty much knew what to expect with "Religulous". It was a dirty, back-handed, quote-mined, cherry picked cheap shot at religion. Not that I really care, for the most part I think religious people can go fuck themselves.

Still, whereas it was remotely amusing to watch Maher debate the Bible with working class guys at the Trucker's Temple, or get "escorted" off of Mormon grounds, the only real entertaining and "laugh out loud" part of the whole movie was when he was in Amseterdam mind-fucking with the Marijuana Preacher deadhead. You could tell by the vacaous look on this old fucking hippy's face that he did indeed worship marijuana. DUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH.

I am not sure if it meant to be so disingenuous, but "Religulous" wasn't nearly as critical of religion as I might have expected. Having Bill Maher's smirky ass running around "questioning" religion isn't nearly as telling as the facts revolving around religion, then again, there is only so much material you can fit in 100 minutes.

Ultimately, if you are a passing fan of Maher, you will not begrudge the $2.99 spent to get this movie "On Demand". However, if you are a critical thinking athiest wanting to see religion get nostril fucked...well, keep waiting.

On the Bong! movie rating system, this gets a BONG!!.

Best. Book Review. Evar.

2009-04-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

I am going to summarize the awesomenisity of this book review of "The Professor and The Dominatrix" with this single passage:

...the entire segment refers to the guy's penis as “Captain Marvel.” For two pages. What the hell. The description included such Shakespearean writing, such as: "She was a connoisseur. A gobbler of whangs par excellence."

BONG!!!!!!!

(btw, read the full review, it's great!)

Drivers in Iowa City suck ass and need to DIAF

2009-04-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

When I am out driving, I watch and observe every other driver I see on the fucking road. There are times (about 50 per day) where I cannot understand what motivated an individual to pick up their keys and get in their car. Why? Because, judging by the way they drive, they would be much happier sitting on a bus with a thumb up their ass and their mind wandering.

There is a small highway that goes East/West through Iowa City (Hwy 6). It is probably safe to call it the "main road through town". However, it is not the ONLY road through town. Yet this doesn't stop the namby-pamby-got-nothing-better-to-do-Sunday-fucking-drivers from puttering on out and clogging up traffic with their passive obliviousness.

If you don't fucking care about how long it is going to take you to get from fucking Point A to Point B, take the fucking side roads through town you worthless wastes of breathable oxygen! Just because YOU have nothing better than to fuck around all day doesn't mean there aren't people that actually want to do shit with their lives and don't feel like spending it wastefully slothing behind you at 15mph below the speed limit!

By Kahless' Beard! Don't even bother getting on that fucking highway unless you mean goddamn business!!! If paying attention and moving traffic along in an expedient, rational fashion scares you, TAKE THE BUS and rid us of your inability to function at the most rudimentary level of a rudimentary fucking procedure: driving. You suck and I fucking hate you and I want your car to break down. Then I want your house to collapse on you. And catch fire.

Civil Rights Win

2009-04-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Even though I don't consider myself anything remotely resembling a gay rights activist, I am happy for the gay/lesbian community and proud of Iowa for standing up for the civil rights of a minority group (namely, homosexuals) today by declaring UNANIMOUSLY an Iowa Constitutional amendment naming marriage as "between a man and woman" UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

I hope this shows a few things about the Midwest:

We aren't afraid to embrace progressive ideas
We aren't a bunch of ignorant Bible thumping pig fuckers
We CAN set a good example for the rest of the United States

I know all the Fox News drones in Iowa (like my Uncle Steve, luckily I am related to him only be marriage and not blood) will whine to Hannity and all that bullshit like that, but fuck you guys. Reasonable and just people will make reasonable and just decisions. Civil rights will always beat out hatred and prejudice. Whereas I personally don't give a dog's ass if two men or two women fucking feel like getting married, I *DO* care if somebody wants to stand in their way. SUCK IT!

New Dream-"Trannysaurus Rex"

2009-03-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

So, in this dream my brother and I are auto mechanics. We get a call that a woman has her 1986 Dodge Omni broken down on the interstate near the Hwy 1 exit (fuck you, I know where it is!). We actually walk out there with the idea that we will fix the car and drive it back to the shop (???).

As we approach the car, we can see her in the driver side using the mirror to do her make up. She sees us coming and gets out of the car. This is where my subconscious mind decides to prison rape me, be cause it was no woman getting out of that car, it was six foot two of crude ugly dude in a dress.

Now, many of has have seen crossdressers. Hell, some of them even look hot. Hell, some of them you don't even know about until they break up with you and explain why they always wanted it up the ass. Either way, this was NOT one of those trannies. This was fucking Red Grange in a dress.

Ultimately, the problem with the car was something ultra easy and we had it fixed in like ten minutes. We asked "Sheila" if we could drive it to the shop then she chould go on her way. My brother gets in the driver seat, I get in back, and Sheila gets in the passenger seat.

We no more than get 5 feet down the road, and "Goodbye Horses" starts playing on the radio. (Yes, the Silence of the Lambs dick tuck song.) My brother and I are fucking weirded out to the max, but we didn't want to suddenly change the radio station, so what do we do instead?

Dance in the car and sing-along-with-a-tranny.

There are bags full of dicks less ghey than that dream. Ugh.

Fucking ghey ass bullshit online drama

2009-03-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate bullshit online drama. For those that don't know, I play a MMORPG (Lord of the Rings Online). If you don't know what a MMORPG, it's an online game where a bunch of people log on and try to kill each other with swords.

Occasionally, you end up making friends on these servers. If enough people play together they can make a group called a "kinship". It's basically like having a Klan meeting in the Honeycomb Hideout.

Anyway, furthermore, kins can get together and form "alliances", and that is where my lucky ass was stuck with this kin that had a loud mouthed asshole calling the shots. You invariably run into dickcheeseburgers on the net, but this guy's douche ubiquitousness was rubbing on my nerves.

So now the drama, one of the guys from another kin in the alliance said this guy was an asshole, so they all start fighting on MY kin's website about it. We politely try to tell them to fuck off and stop fighting in our back yard and they get all incredulous with US! Sorta like, "This is where we started it (for no apparent reason), and this is where we are going to finish it (even though you have politely tried to redirect us more than once)!"

Now, I actually fucking like the people in my kin. I have become friends with them, and my wife and my brother-in-law are members as well. The one drawback? They are kind of a "PG13" crowd. I am sure you don't have to read too much of this fucking blog of mine to ascertain that I am not much of a PG13 fucking person. Hell, on an average day I run "rated R for graphic violence, language, and explicit sexual content" baseline. I barely get to PG13 when I am high.

What this is all coming to was that we had loudmouthed jerkoffs on our message board fucking around and being all histrionic, and I had to sit back and fucking watch quietly while it was "diplomatically" dealt with. Since I was behooved to keep quiet there, I am venting all this bullshit no one but me will care about on my stupid fucking blog because unlike normal human beings, I like to fucking vent!

In fact, what I really felt like doing was grabbing numbnuts by the skull and dragging him off the message board, and fucking telling him not to open his fucking mouth again until he can act his goddamned age! Stuff the fucking "He said, she said" crap! You got called an asshole because you fucking act like one, shitdick! I don't fucking feel sorry for you, nor am I obliged to!

And to the rest of you that perpetuated the bullshit on our board and acted like we were pissing on your parade when we asked you to take it outside, I can only fucking say this: "Bravo! You did a great job of acting like adults with good judgment! You should be commended for your efforts for finding a quick and discrete resultion to an uneasy situation. Your ability to compose yourselves and act as adults was exemplary, and you are to be congratulated. Thank you so much for bringing all of your stink-ass fucking net-drama to a neutral site that wasn't even involved with the dispute and shitting all over our lawn only to wonder why we wanted you to leave. You are further to be monumentalized for your intellectual ferocity in determining the best course of action for civilized adults to follow."

Now, will all of you politely go fuck yourselves and kiss my ass on the way out? Thank you.

I never turn down a request for a blog post. Never.

2009-03-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

One of my lifelong readers pointed out to me that I hadn't updated this in a while. I laugh at her sometimes when I see her body in the deep freeze. However, she made a good point, the world hasn't been too "Dirty" or "Hairy" recently, so I thought I would recount my latest dream, "Angelina Jolie and the Iowa Hillbillies":

There isn't much to this dream, but for those who enjoy a bit of schadenfreude, you can mock me as my mind torments and abuses me during this dream.

The scenario is that a family member of mine ends up marrying a family member of Brad Pitt's (a cousin's sister's brother sort of deal). Well, Brad, being the awesome guy he is, decides to come to Iowa and throw us a party! Rad!

So, we were to wait for them at a house they were renting. They explicitly instructed us to leave the lights off to avoid detection by paparazzi. (Dor sho gha!) In stark contrast to the warning, two gigantic Escalade limos pull up and he and Angelina Jolie get out and come in the house.

I am sitting in an easy chair with my wife directly across from me on the sofa. When Brad and Angelina come in, Brad takes his time introducing himself and mingling, but Angelina walks straight over behind my chair, leans over and starts whispering to me, "Ooo, I am glad there is someone that likes to have fun here!" She proceeds to start seductively rubbing my ears (much akin to Ferengi Oo-Mox). The whole time she is also whispering these little things to me about how much she likes me and can't wait to ditch the losers.

So, anyway, oddly enough my wife seems oblivious to this. Furthermore, Angelina sort of nods at Brad at some point and I look over at him. He winks and nods at me and Angelina starts giggling (in my dream, I interpreted this as his "ok" to bang her).

All of the sudden Brad claps his hands loudly and yells, "OK, gang! Time to go! Get in the limos!" Angelina leads me to one of the limos and gets in front. As I go to get in the back, it is filled wall to wall with Brad's new "extended family" (which should technically be my extended family, but wasn't). It was knuckle dragging, chaw spittin', McCain votin' hicks as far as the eye could see. I had to cram myself in back with some of the farm folk, and all of them started asking me questions about religions and politics. (Hey, where the fuck did Angelina Jolie seducing me go?!?!?!)

Fortunately the drive is short, and we end up at some kind of exclusive Hollywood club with rich snobs everywhere. My arrival was like the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Angelina was loooong gone by this point (curse you, subconscious mind!), and I was essentially abandoned alone at this glitzy club filled with posers. Maybe my mind can cook me up a machine gun to take furious vengeance upon these assclowns? No, I sit alone at the bar until the place closes, the end.

What a fucking blue-ballin' dream!

This might be the best compliment I have ever received

2009-01-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

simplyme:

"you are the twisted, drunk, chainsaw wicked, kindergarten teacher,bar hopping, womanizing, judgemental bigot."

I am going to fucking put this on my resume. This is so fucking awesome!

America Needs More Domestic Violence

2009-01-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

OK, any reader of my blog knows I like to "jokingly" tease about smacking women around. I only do it because it is funny and it pisses my wife off. Did I mention that I think it is funny?

Well, a good "she just fell down the stairs" joke is all well and good, but it stops (or is it starts?) being funny when abusive men blame the victim woman for the violence. Kind of like this ass-hat does.

Listen, needledickrag, beat on women all you fucking want. See if I care. However, it's all on you. You are a violent misogynistic limp-dicked insecure powerless little tool. Own up to it. If you are going to waste the energy on beating your woman, at least do it for the right reasons: Because you are drunk and you are an asshole. Skip the rant about how "sinfully proud" the woman is. It's unbecoming of a worthless, spinless turd.

You are a sinfully tea-bagged cockstamper, Bible Bully.

New Dream-"Hot Lesbian Action"

2008-12-31T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I had an interesting dream last night! In this dream, I was invited to a "swingers group" by Katie Holmes (an actress). I wouldn't say I have got it hot for her or anything, but she ain't exactly ugly. So we go to this weird "sex club" to orgy with the freaks. It had a little bit of everything there, including several "racks" to tie people down to.

Katie chooses a device that ties you up so you are like restrained under this table, and locks me up in it (call me, ladies!). Then she goes and finds this fine looking red head, and they open a suit case filled with lingerie and dress each other up. After they are all purtied up, they make out hot and heavy, until they are next to me on the floor "scissoring*" each other like a foot from my face.

After Katie gets off, she stands up and pulls this lever that gets me from laying on my back to an upright position. Then she walks over and gets on her knees in front of me. The table I was under gets sort of flattened against my chest, and a compartment opens up at my crotch so my schlong is exposed.

Katie whips out my pecker (Kahless, I love my fucking dreams...my dick is always so fucking gigantic in them. I had a dream once where my dick was so long I could throw it over my shoulder. As it was, it was baseball bat sized in this dream.) and she starts going down on me.

Unfortunately, my subconcious mind decides to fuck with me here, and every time I looked down Katie's face got more and more masculine. After a short while it looked like it was fucking Kevin Sorbo blowing me. Not good.

The good news is that I didn't pop on Hercules, so it wasn't gay.

...

FUCK YOU! I wasn't the one with a dick in my mouth!

Anywho, we will call that the 99.9% good dream.

*in case you are too retarded to know what scissoring is, it's girls grinding pussies

So what if I have a soft side?

2008-12-23T11:46:00.001-08:00

OK, so when I am not impersonating Klingons and hating mankind, I actually have a soft spot. I love animals. This is a picture of myself with my friend's new (at the time) puppy. This picture has to be pushing ten years old.

Oh, and that POS Chevy Beretta in the back? That was the car my brother and I called the "Millennium Falcon" (or just "Falcy"). There wasn't anything real special about that car, but boy could it move!

So...I will go find a senior citizen to verbally berate and blog about it.