Wednesday, February 13, 2013

QI'yaH!

In Which Kahless Pronounces the Doom of "Kater Haters"






Qaplah, forshak-lapping baktags! It is He, The Mighty Feklahr, here to read you the tale of the day Kahless encountered a "Kater Hater", and the doom he pronounced upon all "Kater Haters" after observing their treacherous Romulanism.

However, before The Mighty One begins the tale, He feels that context is important. A "Kater Hater" is one who dislikes/hates Kate Upton. This is Kate Upton:




Ms. Upton also happens to be a "modestly successful" bikini model:




The Mighty Feklahr understands that from cultural readings of America, being on the cover of "Sports Illustrated" (which has actual few drawings...) is considered being "successful and famous".

Now, it is easy to understand why the underbelly dregs of a pathetic media-hyped society (like the terran America) would be jealous and reject a rich, successful, world famous model. Envy is one of the most ugly aspects of human nature, which is despicable to a Klingon. HOWEVER, it is not for these reasons that Ms. Upton draws the ire of many. You see, there are people alive (that ostensibly have minimally functional minds) that believe Ms. Upton is too "fat" and provides a poor body image for young women because of her large size.

Yeah, go back and let that sink in before we go on.



So, now that The Mighty Feklahr has everyone on the same page, let us regale the tale of "Kahless and the Kater Hater"!

After a long day of slaughtering Romulans and other treacherous HadibaHs, Kahless strode into town to have His batleth sharpened at the smithy. As he approached the town square, a small crowd had gathered around a public speaker. The speaker was Qa'Hom, a twig-thin and balding young Romulan Pro-Ana that had yellowing skin and carried an airplane barf bag wherever she went. Qa'Hom spake at length, and loudly, to the crowd regarding a Terran female, Kate Upton:

"She looks thick, vulgar, almost pornographic...look at this little piggie...Huge thighs, NO waist, big fat floppy boobs, terrible body definition – she looks like a squishy brick. Is this what American women are “striving” for now? The lazy, lardy look? Have we really gotten so fat in this universe that Kate is the best we can aim for?"

The crowd began to murmur, they were easily swayed by the ravings of an ignorant idiot standing in front of the public and spewing filth to the masses.

No longer able to tolerate the infidel lies of a Pro-Ana troll, Kahless stood forth. "Ho, what treachery is afoot here?!" The crowd silenced and cowed before the righteousness of Kahless and his belting speech. Qa'Hom quailed in shame and regret when Kahless pronounced the following, "It is here, this day, that Kahless of Klingon declares that derisions of this sort are the works of kotal-breeding pa'taQs. If you continue with these sort of of failed and miserable screed, or if you let yourself be swayed by them, then you will NOT enter Stovokor! Instead, at the gates of Stovokor, you will be taken and tossed down the "Portal Potty" to Grethor, where you will ride a log flume of diarrhea and forced vomitings. Once you arrive, you will be force fed 'Twinkie-pizza-with-chocolate-cookie-crust-and-marshamllow-topping' so you will be eternally transformed into the thing you hate the most!"

The crowd cried, and begged Kahless for forgiveness, but He was not though speaking, "Furthermore, the only wank material made available to you will be Sarah Jessica Parker and Calista Flockheart! LOOK! LOOK AT THEM!"






"I SAID LOOK!!!"

Qa'Hom fled in terror at the words of Kahless, and the crowd all fell on their faces, ashamed that they let such drivel sway their opinion. So ends the tale of Kahless and the Kater Hater.


USA! USA! USA!


This post is dedicated to Burnsy, who introduced me to Kate Upton and made my world a better place.

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