Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Unofficial Official KSK Dictionkakke

(pic via KSK)

If you are a fan of NFL professional American football, the internet, and "awesome", you may have heard of or have visited Kissing Suzy Kolber. Once submerged into the sweaty gym socks and soapy shower hugs, it can become difficult to break free of the site's deathgrip-like hold on you, so you decide to give in and make it part of your internet browsing routine. However, for the newcomer there can be difficulty adjusting to the slang, allusions, and various other colloquialisms that run rampant on the site (particularly in "Open Threads" and "Liveblogs" [often referred to as "The Rivebrog" or "The Curse of the Rivebrog"].)

In an effort to provide a guide to KSK-centric terms, some of the regular readers have collaborated to put together a little dictionary, a "KSK Dictionkakke", if you will. Hopefully those who need it can use it as a reference guide to untangle the mangled, drunken, psychotic garble that can be found at KSK.

KSK Pioneered Slang By Writers and Readers
Kommentariat-KSK commenters
Overlords-KSK writers
Meast-"man beast", weekly title given to player who kicks the most
Least-opposite of Meast, weekly title given to the biggest failboat of
the week
derp/herp-term indicative of an inept/unintelligent play
gritty-white/honkey/underdog whiteboy
citrusy-Peter King's fave beer note
lofty-another Kingism we have adopted. Often used sardonically

FJM-writing an article in the FIRE JOE MORGAN style, often reserved for Peter King at this point

Insurmountable Lead-when the less crappy team goes up at least two points over the more shitty team.

"x" Safety Lead-where "x=(the lead of the current team/2)

THASSS RAYCESS!!!-translation: "That's racist.", often used sardonically (but appropriately). See also, "Niggsa In Paris".

Tebowmas-This refers to the holy gift sent on high upon to us, as the schadenfreude KSK nation, on the holy day of March 21, 2012 when Tim Tebow was discommendated and cast out of Denver and traded to the NY Jets. A miracle occurred that day and the Kommentariat was showered with Sacred Tebowmas Presents like this:


Suffixes and usage
-derp: Paired with a player name when said player underperforms on any
given play (ie Joe Flacco drops a snap, "Flaccoderp")
-ception: Paired with a player name when said player throws or picks
off an interception (ie Joe Flacco throws an interception to Darrell
Revis "Flaccoception" and/or "Revisception")
-fumble/umble: Paired with a player name when said player fumbles the
football (ie Joe Flacco fumbles during a sack "Flaccofumble", or pair
it with a nickname! Marion Barber fumbles "Vulturefumble")
-fail: Paired with a player name when said player fails in general.
(Big Ben walks on the field "HARFail", Vince Wilfoork misses a tackle
-down: Paired with a player name when said player scores a touchdown
(ie "Tinydown!" "Cutlerfuckerdown!" "Breesdown!",
-float: Paired with a player name when said player overthrows a wide
open receiver by like 90 yds (commonly associated with Phillip Rivers,
Joe Flacco, and Tom Brady "Dreamfloat!")
-sack: Paired with a player name when said player is sacked or sacks
the QB ("Flaccosack!" or "BallSoHardSack!")
-ed: Paired with a player name when said player exhibits behaviour
common to them, often poor behaviour ("Palkoed")
-kakke: puntkakke, fieldgoalkakke (implying an...excessive amount of named subject)


KSK Personalities (Both Real and Imaginary)

In general, there is little love given to sports writers/commentators at KSK. In fact, many of them are vilified and reviled. The following includes both some of the least popular sports commentators and some of the goofy and fun satirical "NFL Characters" driven by the madness of the Overlords.

*indicates parody/satire

Roger Goodell/Gingerhammer/The Rog
Peter King

Jon Gruden "This Guy"

Chris Collinsworth

Joe Buck

Rex Ryan*

Tony Dungy/Antonio Dungerson*

Mark "Nacho" Sanchez*

Rex "Sex Cannon" Grossman*

Chan Gailey/5chan*


JT O'Sullivan*

Ol' Double J, Jerry Jones *

Wade Phillips

Jason Garrett

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Pacman *


Hines Wald * (THASS RAYCESS!)



Slang Terms By Division

There is really no true rhyme or reason as to why some teams have more terms associated with it than others. Normally speaking, spite and frustration often drive the creative process for generating these terms.

NFC North:
Bears-Lovie Smith (clock management, challenges), Jay Cutler (J Cutty,
Sulk, The Incredible Sulk, diabeetus, DOOOONNNNTTTTTT CAAAAAARRRREEEEEE.” ) Marion Barber (MBIII, vulture),
Devin Hester (kick it to)
Packers-Kuhn (Wisconsin's favourite honkey), Mike McCarthy/onside kick, Aaron Rodgers/Discount Double Check, Brittfarr/Dongslinger
Vikings-Adrian Peterson (Purple Jesus), Jared Allen (hick, mullet)
Lions-Ndomakong Suh (Ndonkeykong Suh, violence, fines, suspensions),
Matt Stafford (goofy looking face), Calvin Johnson (Megatron, stud)

NFC South:
Tampa Bay Bucs - derp
Carolina Panthers - herp
Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan/Matty Ice, Coach Mike Smith/heart disease/
4th&1 calls, Julio Jones/Hulio Hones
New Orleans Saints - *takes a deep breath* Jimmy Graham/TE/6'6"/
basketball player/gigantic/tall/bizarre ethnic heritage, Darren
Sproles/Tiny Darren/Tiny/Little Darren Sproles/TINYDOWN, Drew Brees/
Breesus/Breesy/Saint Breesus, Rape Whistle Guy at Mercedes Superdome

NFC East:
Washington Redskins - Michael Shannahan/leathery/red skin, Rex Grossman/
Sex Cannon/Unleash the dragon/fuck it I'm going deep
NY Giants - Eli Manninng/Elisha/momma's boy/footie pajamas bedtime
story warm milk/3rd down and long conversions, Tom Coughlin/bad
language/red face, Victor Cruz/Salsa
Phil. Eagles - Iggles/Dream Team, Andy Reid/challenge flag/clock
management, Michael Vick/animal cruelty/dogs, Vince Young/big mouth/
dream team/emo, DeSean Jackson/quitter
Dallas Cowboys - Jason Garrett/ginger/Princeton/ices-own-kicker, Jerry
Jones/Double J/psychotic, Rob Ryan/Wolfman, Tony Romo/Romoliscious/

(This video is a classic example of "derping". Also applicable: Herp, ROMOSACK, Romoliscious, Insurmountable Lead, Elite)
NFC West:
SF 49ers - Vernon Davis has gained quite a bit of Meastly notoriety
this season and coach Harbaugh had the handshake hear round the world!
St Louis Rams - is this division really so awful?
Arizona Cardinals - yes it is this awful. :/
Seattle Seahawks - Marshawn Lynch/Beast Mode/Beef Moe/Skittles/

AFC North:
Pittsburgh Steelers -THE BEN (Big Ben, HARF, Rapey), Hines Wald, Todd Haley/looks like a hobo, James Harrison/hits hard/fined big/object of Gingerhammer loathing
Baltimore Ravens - Ray Lewis/Stabby, Joe Flacco/ELITE, "Ball So Hard University" for Terrell Suggs,
Cincinatti Bengals - Bangles, Ginger QB
Cleveland Browns - Factory of Sadness

AFC South:
Indianapolis Colts - Clots, Fat Humps
Houston Texans - Matt Leinart? Jacoby Jones stabbing derp into fans' hearts?
Tennessee Titans - These guys are no fun since they traded
Vince Young...but they do have "Cop Speed"/"Zulu Chthulu" Chris
Jacksonville Jaguars - tarps instead of fans in the stands, "Gabba
Gaw" Blaine Gabbert, Maurice Jones Drew the FF
studpuppy...uh...and...KHAAAAAAAAAN!/moustache/the new owner Khan guy
with the moustache!

AFC East:
New England Patriots - Tom Brady (Troll Genius, Troll Brady, Dreamboat, Uggs) , Bill Belichik/Darth Hoodie, Rob Gronkowski-porn stars/
awesomeness/Gronk/GRAWNK, Welker/Woodhead/Edelman/Bear Jew/Jewkah/gritty/
undersized white football players of enduring fortitude and incredible
work ethic/scrappy/wiry/hardnose/big heart/lunchbox clock punching blue collar
NY Jets - Rex Ryan (Greatest Coach Ever, Rexinald, HOW YA DOIN BOYS?, That's some good hustle!, Pussytubing), Santonio Holmes
(Dichabod Crane), Mark Sanchez (Shit Taco, Nacho, Sanchize) , LaToeInjury/Ladanian Tomlinson , Cromartie/over 9000 childrens, TEBOW, TEBOW? TEBOW!, Jesus H. TEBOW, Peter King's Mancrush, Tim Tebow

Buffalo Bills - 5CHAN, Ryan Fitzpatrick/Fitzmagic/Harvard

Miami Dolphins - herpity derpity

AFC West:
San Diego Chargers - Norv Turner/Norval/Coach Pepperoni face scrotum neck, Phillip Rivers (King Laserface, Marmalard, YOU BETTA CALL SOMEBODYYYYYYYY)
Denver Broncos - John Elway/Chucklefuck, Neck AIDS/PeyPey/Peyton Manning
Oakland Raiders - Zombie Al Davis, Runs a 4.40 with stone hands
Kansas City Chiefs - The Chefs, Kyle Orton/Neckbeard, Otto Man, Jamaal Charles' Shredded Knees


So, there we have it! This is by no means a complete list, but it is comprehensive enough that any Tom with a hairy dick could walk in off the street and join in. Feel free to suggest any additions/modifications by CLICKING HERE.


Anonymous said...

For Texans: Chimera related items (snake dick, GOAT, etc.)

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the Houston Chimera. Also J.T. O'Sullivan? Marvin Lewis/Ochocinco (even though it's over now)?

Anonymous said...

no tawmmy from quinzee?

Anonymous said...

Horse Balls Anderson.

Anonymous said...

Nice job! Don't forget nicknames Tiny Pocket Darren and
Goth Aaron Rodgers. Also, for Cleveland, perhaps a reference to the awesome Cleveland videos, with the "tourism" video and stadium shout out.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget "bike, bike, bike"

Anonymous said...

Under Redskins, the overweight Redskins fan with the Bawlmer accent telling "Coach" how to get to the Superbowl.