Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Life can go fuck itself

Skip this post right now, because it is nothing but me crying like a little bitch about how hard I think my fucking life is and how much I want the Earth to explode.

For starters, I hate February with a fiery red hot passion. I get all fucking emo because it was February in 1997 that I got hospitalized for psychiatric care. Guess what? Being hospitalized for psychiatric care fucking sucks. I can't help but associate this time of year with hospitalization. Sometimes I even have flashbacks. No matter what I do, there will always be a hole...a void in that period of my life that is just GONE, my memory and intellect were just turned off and nothing was left.

Second, I am in physical pain. I have something wrong with my damn face that makes the whole right side of my jaw, up through my temple, and down through my teeth HURT. Bad. I have been on vicodin for it, but even at a medium dose of that, it was barely mitigating the intensity of the pain. It wakes me up and fucks with my sleep, and that is bad for a guy that has psych problems. The pain stresses me out. The lack of sleep stresses me out. The lack of sleep impairs my ability to deal with stress. I have an artificially inflated set of personal stress and an impaired ability to deal with it. I feel constantly fucked.

Also, I have animals that I am attached to that are going to die. However, my mother and my wife (the two most important people in my life) are even more attached. Rascal, our Corgi, got diagnosed with cancer. We are keeping him comfortable on medication, but his time is running out. Some days he eats, some days he don't. Some days he passes lots of blood. It breaks my mom's heart, but she won't make the decision to put him down yet.

Then my wife has a horse in New Hampshire that isn't doing good this winter. It's only the horse she has done a million shows with, spent countless hours of work with, taught other riders with, and is basically her best horse. As if that isn't enough, it is doubtful if the horse does pass that they will be able to bury her with the other horses, due to the weather conditions out east this year. My wife is devastated, and there is nothing I can do.

All of this is just making me a fucking mess. I haven't been doing the dishes at home. I don't even bathe regularly. I just feel small, impotent, and worthless.

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