Wednesday, March 31, 2010

New Dream-What Happens In Vegas


OK, for those of you familiar with my dream posts, you are aware that they normally have a penchant for randomness, bizarre, silly, and disturbing. Well, I think this brief dream story covers all these bases adequately:

I was gambling at a casino in Vegas dressed and made up as a clown. There came a point where I ran out of gambling money and started to explore the casino. I went through a service entrance the janitors used to find a small hallway with what appeared to be hotel doors. Behind each of them sounds of massive fucking echoed rather loudly. A casino employee saw me in the hallway and asked me to return to the casino proper.

It was after all of that that my cell phone rang, it was my father in law informing me he would be by shortly to pick me up at the pre-arranged location two blocks from the casino. After I left the casino to walk to the location, I had two separate incidences where people tried to rob me. The first was a drunk guy that pickpocketed me, but apologized and said he was only kidding. The second was a trio of thugs that tried to intimidate me into giving them my Diet 7Up. Needless to say, it is difficult to intimidate a guy in a clown costume, and they left.

As I watched the street waiting for my ride, I noticed a two large groups of people waiting for a bus. One group was average citizens, the other was a bunch of retards. Sure enough, I spotted my father-in-law's van shortly. In fact, it would have been difficult to miss. You see, it was covered in moss. Imagine a van made out of sod instead of steel, and you will get the picture.

So, there was only one last hurdle before I could go home safely and end the dream: I needed to get the clown makeup off. Unfortunately, the ONLY thing that could remove this particular type of clown makeup was vinegar. However, as luck would have it, the security guards in the parking ramp we pulled into had a small break room with a fridge that contained PICKLES! I was able to wash my face off with pickle juice. The end.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I write timely movie reviews-Transfarters


See what you have done, Michael Bay??? DAMN YOU!

Alternately, "More than skeets the brown-eye."

I know this movie came out last summer or something, but I could never bring myself to watch Transformers. I *KNEW* it was going to blow, and blow really fucking awful toothless truckstop hooker gumming a poopdick blow. I went in with such low expectations, I thought it mathematically impossible for it to undercut them.

It did.

Even if you aren't a kid that grew up with Transformers toys, cartoons, and comic books, this movie was still the steamiest pile of retarded-club-footed-drool-handy huevos rancheros loose-oily-stool imaginable. It was so fail that they even managed to make Megan Fox's fake tan...well, LOOK FAKE! (Yes, a fake fake-tan! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!)

This movie is living proof that Hollywood is so fucking stupid that it could fuck up a sunrise. I would try to say something coherent that would amount to a rational criticism of this movie, but I am having a hard time separating myself from the mind-rape of watching it in the first place!

Maybe the best thing I can do is my attempt at a plot outline...here it goes!

"OK, so there are these soldiers in a helicopter, and the leader sees his baby and wife through the internets and THEN LIKE A BIG THING ATTACKS and WOOOOOOOOOOSH ratatatatata OMFG IT LOOKED AT ME. So then this nerd in high school is trying to save up for a car but his dad buys him a POS from Bernie Mac then he gives this cute girl a ride and his parents thinks he is masturbating and the car is alive and they need nerdy kids grandpa's glasses so more robots come from outerspace and people on tv see them and these "secret government guys" find nerdy kid and they have what the robots need and an EVIL ROBOT and the robots fight AND ONE ROBOT PEES ON THE SECRET GOVERNMENT GUY!!! and the soldiers come to America and help megan Fox and nerdy kid fight the robots too and oh yeah the subplot of l33t hackers decoding shit so this hot chick can take it to a zany fat black guy and then the good guys win and nerdy kid gets Megan Fox and the soldier gets to see his baby the end."

So, yeah.

The only redeeming thing in the entire movie is the part where Devastator challenges Optimus Prime, and Prime basically does a Mortal Kombat fatality on his candy ass. That's it. If the entire movie was filled with that and skipped all the horse-shit, I would personally be in line to suck Michael Bay's dick clean. But, no, instead Michael Bay drove Huffer to this:


Look at it! LOOK AT IT! Huffer's gold spray-paint habit is on YOUR head, Michael Bay! YOU did this to him!!!

So, anyway, not only is the Transformers movie a fail, it sucks shit, too. If I hadn't been listening to the Rifftrax for it, I may have commit suicide trying to watch it.

I think I will have to go with the BONG!!!! rating for this:

BONG!!!! with four exclamation points: Only Gay Handicapable Jewish Romulan tahQeqs will be interested in seeing this foshak pile of a movie.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Lost an old friend today


So, there isn't much to this post. I found out today that an old friend died suddenly from a heart attack. He had a couple of boys, and it just sucks. He was only in his mid-forties, we have a nice weekend in Iowa after a long winter, he takes his boys (all of them avid deer hunters) to go shooting on a nice sunny day, then just falls dead. With no warning.

I just feel awful for them two teenage boys. They have to go the rest of their life without their dad, and they were close. It's really sad and I don't like it.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

OWNAGE


This is the introductory post of a new theme in my blog named simply, "OWNAGE". It is primarily a gamer term, but sometimes in life there is REAL ownage.

Now, to be mentioned here the ownage must meet the highest standard! Therefore, it must be ownage on par of GANDALF SOLOING THE BALROG IN THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. That's right, to get mentioned here, you have to own so bad that even Gandalf wouldn't even play the 'Rog card on ya.

However, it is time to move on to the ownage that inspired this post! QAPLAH!

BLIND GAMER BEATS OCARINA OF TIME

Jordan Verner posted youtube videos of himself playing “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”, asking for help to beat the whole game. Roy Williams and three other Zelda fans granted his wish, spending two years assembling a written script of moves. Jordan’s computer read the script aloud while he played.

An average gamer will take about a week to play through the entire thing, but this project took almost 2 years and more than 100,000 keystrokes. Finally, Jordan beat the entire thing. “I felt great,” said Jordan. “I felt strong. I felt like the sky’s the limit. Our school’s motto — and I live by it — is the impossible is only the untried,” said Jordan.

HOLY FUCKING HELL YES! This. FTW. Not only is Jordan like Gandalf, but Roy and his buddies are like little Cirdan's giving Gandalf the magic ring to help whoop the 'Rog! This is so full of win and ownage that I might have to start playing World of Warcraft to balance out the FAIL/WIN ration in the universe. (NOT!)