Monday, September 20, 2010

New Dream 1990 Takes A Crap In My Skull


So, the basic premise of this dream was to be a pseudo-representation of every cheesy cliche from every mainstream movie from 1990. So, slap on your bracelets and time travel back 20 years with me as we descend into 1990 madness.

Starring Corey Haim as a "street smart kid", he goes to Downtown Lou's Pawn shop to hawk some little stuff he has stolen (watches, necklaces, etc.). While there, he notices a Lazer Tag gun, but there is something different about it, so he shoplifts it. "Downtown Lou" notices and chases after him. Corey Haim runs down an alley and appears to be scott free, but he bumps into wisecracking but down on his luck cop, Bruce Willis.

Anyway, Bruce Willis grabs Corey Haim and is going to run him down to juvey, but right when they get into the squad car, an emergency type call comes in and Bruce Willis is compelled to take Corey Haim with, effectively making Haim the new partner for the schlubby down on his luck coppiness. They go across the bridge to the ritzy part of town to a high dollar penthouse apartment. There is no power in the building and residents are standing frightened outside.

Willis and Haim ascend the emergency fire stairs to reach the penthouse. There are a couple of unconscious men in a room and a small piece of archaic looking technology on the floor. When Haim nears the scene, the "unusual Lazer Tag gun" and the archaic technology "react" to one another, causing a spark that knocks out Willis, but wake the other two men...Mike Ditka and Michael Ironside. Ditka notices the Lazer tag gun in Haim's hand, grabs it and starts roughing Haim up.

"Where'd ya get the gun, ya little punk?"

"I stole it from Downtown Lou's!"

"God Dammit, I OWN Downtown Lou's, you little shit!"

WHACK! Ditka punches the kid the fuck out. Ironside decides that the cop and the kid have seen too much, takes the cop pistol and wastes them both. However, the two decide that a murder rap on a cop will set back whatever nefarious plans they have in the mix, so they seek...*sigh*..."supernatural" help. Enter...Kahless forgive me...Lou Diamond Phillips, "The Shaman".

Phillips describes a process to Ditka and Ironside called "Dark Dream Walking" whereby he can effectively transfer the present consciousness of one of the men backwards in time a short way (several hours, no more than a day). The man will then have full knowledge of all events that will unfold, and can take the steps he needs to prevent the cop and kid from showing up and getting killed, and hence furthering their nefarious scheme.

Ultimately, "Shaman Phillips" sends Ditka back to the previous day in the afternoon. He finds himself in the city park, and lo and behold, Haim is there playing soccer with a bunch of kids. (I know, it gets worse.) Ditka ALSO notices that a local soccer star is at a nearby picnic. Ditka, being a smart and rich guy, approaches the soccer star, played by Patrick Dempsey with an outrageous mullet, and offers him big money to hold free soccer lessons for the kids in the park. The idea being Dempsey will distract Haim with mad soccer skillz and keep Haim and Willis from getting killed.

BBBRRRRAAAAAHHHHMMMMM!

However, the joke is on Ditka because the soccer lessons are a big success and get media attention for helping to prevent crime. Dempsey and Haim get involved with local police (Willis) to set up a safe neighbourhood "crimestoppers", and they get a hot tip from Downtown Lou and Willis is able to legitimately foil Ditka and Ironside's nefarious scheme with the archaic technology/Lazertag gun, and they recover stolen money to build a new soccer field so Dempsey can keep teaching the kids, Haim becomes the new soccer star and doesn't have to steal any more, and down on his luck Willis gets a promotion to detective.

*sucks on shotgun, pulls trigger*

No comments: