Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Timely movie review: Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure


For those of you that hate your eyes and are masochistic enough to give your sensibilities the "Tila Tequila at a Juggalo Gathering" treatment, Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure is the perfect stocking stuffer for you!

Released made for tv in 2003, CV2 follows the zany (dull, pedestrian, and uninteresting) antics of Clark Griswold's lovably white-trash cousin, Eddie and various members of his family, including a son and uncle we have never met (and wish we never had)! Dana Barron reprises her role from 1983's Vacation as Audrey, and Ed Asner cashes it in as the pervy, touchy feely Uncle Nick. Is your excitement mounting? Try sticking barbed wire in your piss-hole to make it even more sensational!

After losing tic tac toe to a monkey, Eddie loses his job but gets an unexpected severance package when the monkey bites him in the butt! To avoid litigation, the company sends Eddie et al to Hawaii for a Christmas Vacation!

*takes a deep breath*

So Eddie has a smart son ("Third", yes really) that we meet who lies about what his dad does to his girlfriend, the Eddie family is staying at Audrey's place, but Audrey comes back because her boyfriend left her, Eddie's plate in his head works as a zapping bug light (Really!), Uncle Nick's wife left him so he shows up to, they all go to the airport, there is a big line, but the dog (Snot) farts a bunch and people clear out, and then there is this girl that's their tour guide in Hawaii, and they have a party, but back home the pipes break and water comes out of the windows (!!!), they party some more, there is a plane flown by an Australian millionaire that Audrey falls in love with, Snot puts out the fire by peeing on it before they go, the guy that was supposed to drive the boat for their tour is gone so Uncle Nick drives it, but it takes him 1 hour to find the keys, Eddie fishes and catches a fish SO BIG that it pulls the boat backwards, the tour guide sunbathes in a bikini and Third gets his first boner, BOAT CRASH!, o noes everyone is stranded on an island, Uncle Nick wants to make fuck to the tour guide, they find lots of bananas and a freshwater stream but Eddie, Uncle Nick and Third go hunting any way, Third catches tour guide bathing, gets a boner, sees Uncle Nick watching her, too (I assume Uncle Nick molests him at that point), Eddie falls on a boar and kills it, MOAR WATER COMES OUT OF THE WINDOWS BACK HOME!!!, Eddie builds a house out of sticks, it breaks, they have Christmas as a family, Eddie dreams he is Tarzan and a monkey laughs at him, then Australian guy flies in to save them, Eddie drops a rock on him so he has to fly the plane, dog covers eyes with paws, Eddie earns family's respect, gets a new job flying planes (with the monkey that bit him!) in Hawaii, water situation is resolved on mainland.

JUST KIDDING! They never resolve the issue of hundreds of gallons of water pouring out of the house, even though they cut to it several times.

There is just so much wrong with this movie, that being legitimately disappointed with some aspect of it may actually seem redundant. However, one legitimately disappointing aspect of this movie was the total void of "redneck charm". This movie was like going to a show expecting to see Larry the Cable Guy and instead a dog chases a monkey around on stage for 90 minutes (which, quite frankly, isn't that far from the truth). The closest thing they got to that elusive "Eddie the Hick Persona" is when he inexplicably tries to play a mandolin like a violin during Christmas carols.

I realize picking on a made for tv movie is like beating up freshman in high school, but this freshman deserves every beating it has coming to it. How anyone involved didn't simply die from shame by virtue of being involved is beyond my ken.

On the BONG! movie rating system, this gets a BONG!!!!!

BONG!!!!! with five exclamation points: Only fans of "The Hottie and The Nottie" need apply! QAPLAH!

Don't believe me? Look:

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