Monday, March 15, 2010

I write timely movie reviews-Transfarters

See what you have done, Michael Bay??? DAMN YOU!

Alternately, "More than skeets the brown-eye."

I know this movie came out last summer or something, but I could never bring myself to watch Transformers. I *KNEW* it was going to blow, and blow really fucking awful toothless truckstop hooker gumming a poopdick blow. I went in with such low expectations, I thought it mathematically impossible for it to undercut them.

It did.

Even if you aren't a kid that grew up with Transformers toys, cartoons, and comic books, this movie was still the steamiest pile of retarded-club-footed-drool-handy huevos rancheros loose-oily-stool imaginable. It was so fail that they even managed to make Megan Fox's fake tan...well, LOOK FAKE! (Yes, a fake fake-tan! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!)

This movie is living proof that Hollywood is so fucking stupid that it could fuck up a sunrise. I would try to say something coherent that would amount to a rational criticism of this movie, but I am having a hard time separating myself from the mind-rape of watching it in the first place!

Maybe the best thing I can do is my attempt at a plot it goes!

"OK, so there are these soldiers in a helicopter, and the leader sees his baby and wife through the internets and THEN LIKE A BIG THING ATTACKS and WOOOOOOOOOOSH ratatatatata OMFG IT LOOKED AT ME. So then this nerd in high school is trying to save up for a car but his dad buys him a POS from Bernie Mac then he gives this cute girl a ride and his parents thinks he is masturbating and the car is alive and they need nerdy kids grandpa's glasses so more robots come from outerspace and people on tv see them and these "secret government guys" find nerdy kid and they have what the robots need and an EVIL ROBOT and the robots fight AND ONE ROBOT PEES ON THE SECRET GOVERNMENT GUY!!! and the soldiers come to America and help megan Fox and nerdy kid fight the robots too and oh yeah the subplot of l33t hackers decoding shit so this hot chick can take it to a zany fat black guy and then the good guys win and nerdy kid gets Megan Fox and the soldier gets to see his baby the end."

So, yeah.

The only redeeming thing in the entire movie is the part where Devastator challenges Optimus Prime, and Prime basically does a Mortal Kombat fatality on his candy ass. That's it. If the entire movie was filled with that and skipped all the horse-shit, I would personally be in line to suck Michael Bay's dick clean. But, no, instead Michael Bay drove Huffer to this:

Look at it! LOOK AT IT! Huffer's gold spray-paint habit is on YOUR head, Michael Bay! YOU did this to him!!!

So, anyway, not only is the Transformers movie a fail, it sucks shit, too. If I hadn't been listening to the Rifftrax for it, I may have commit suicide trying to watch it.

I think I will have to go with the BONG!!!! rating for this:

BONG!!!! with four exclamation points: Only Gay Handicapable Jewish Romulan tahQeqs will be interested in seeing this foshak pile of a movie.

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