Friday, November 20, 2009

Egregious Hollywood FAIL-John Connor


But there was one man who taught us to fight, to storm the wire of the camps, to smash those metal motherfuckers into junk. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink. His name is Connor. John Connor.-Kyle Reese, The Terminator (1984)

This blogpost is my attempt to help right an egregious wrong done by Hollywood to a science-fiction hero that they fucking gutted and neutered: John Connor.

In my estimation, there are few sci-fi heroes that had as much potential to be the ultimate fucking bad-ass of sci-fi cinema as John Connor did. The first Terminator movie set the stage perfectly for John, he was faceless and lived only through the tales of a soldier from the future, Kyle Reese: "You trust him. He's got a strength. I'd die for John Connor." Now you have to understand the magnitude of street cred these statements from Reese lend John, we are talking about a guy that is sent stark fucking naked into the past, finds a trenchcoat, a shotgun, and some Nike Vandals, and fucking goes killer-cyborg hunting with home-made pipebombs. When someone that fucking killer says heavy shit like he does about the man who inspired him, you can only imagine he is referring to Hercules, Kahless, Superman, or GOD.

The second Terminator movie was crucial to the development of John Connor. He is a punk kid in junior high and doesn't fucking get why his mom taught him all the shit about weapons, warfare, and kicking ass. However, when the shit gets real, little Johnny finds out he needs to nut up and be a fucking man to fucking take out the machines. Sure, he cries for Arnold at the end, but Arnold is fucking awesome so fuck you.

However, everything that fucking happens after that is complete shit. John Connor turns into a whiny, frustrated nancy-boy that can't get anything done without a girl's help, can't make his own decisions, gets a fagariffic cyborg heart transplant from a friendly robot, and can barely fucking defend himself. It's like they took Pete Wentz and told him he had to get a real job and he trows a temper tantrum.

Hollywood has fucking robbed us! Instead of a leader of men that has a psychotic hatred for machines and the ability to rape them to shreds, we got a spineless little whiny fuck that could probably get beat up by guys in chess club.

Look up at that banner pic! John Connor doesn't have time to fucking whine. John Connor does exactly FOUR THINGS in life:

  1. Piss
  2. Shit
  3. Fuck
  4. Kill robots (or instruct others to)
THAT'S IT. Notice eat and sleep aren't on there? John Connor doesn't sleep, and he doesn't fuck or kill anything he can't eat. PERIOD.

Anyway, this is my salute to you, John Connor That Should Have Been. There are those of us that believe in you and know that if the fucking robot apocalypse should ever come, you will be skullfucking it out of existence one scrapped droid at a time. QAPLAH!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Done Told Her Once Already


If there is anything fucking sexier than a dumbass cunt of a pseudocelebrity with a black eye, it better go up my ass vibrating and burn my leg!