Saturday, October 31, 2009

GRRR...MAN HUG!!!


My unabashed man-crush for Tyler Sash continues. Even though it wasn't a pretty game, Iowa ended up pecker-slapping Indiana on Halloween. Best of all, my man Sash scored himself a TD!

(Sash awesomeness about 60 seconds into the video.)

Also, did you know if you man hug Tyler Sash, it will actually increase your sperm count?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Movie Review-The Haunted World of El Superbeasto


For being described as "a motion picture that would only be entertaining to sociopaths", I would like to take a moment and speak on behalf of the sociopaths of the world in my review of Rob Zombie's broken maidenhead voyage into the medium of animation, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto. Oddly enough, I can't help but be reminded of a line from the graphic novel series, V For Vendetta, to help introduce this zany rumpus of prostate-tickling hilarity: "...They have forgotten the drama of it all...you see, they abandoned the scripts when the world withered in the glare of the nuclear footlights. I'm going to remind them about melodrama. About the tuppenny rush and the penny dreadful...You see, Evey, all the world is a stage, and everything else....is vaudeville."

Indeed, the main stage of this act is occupied by the heroes El Superbeasto (Tom Papa), his smokin' hot sister Suzi X (Sheri Moon Zombie), and her robot friend Murray (Brian Posehn) as they try to repel the villainous Dr. Satan (Paul Giamatti) and his henchman, the speaking gorilla known as Otto (Tom Kenny-none other than the voice of Sponge Bob! ed.) and their nefarious scheme to abduct Velvet Von Black (voiced by Rosario Dawson and described in her intro song as "able to suck the gay off a painting of a unicorn") and make her Dr. Satan's unholy bride to unleash the power of HELL ON EARTH!

...

Well, fuck me running! I didn't mean to reveal the whole plot in one gigantic run-on sentence, but what that synopsis doesn't reveal is all of the absolutely ridiculous and over the top hilarity and shenanigans that befall El Superbeasto on his way to confronting Dr. Satan. The entire movie (just right at 77 minutes, by the way) is akin to a gigantic episode of School House Rock gone horrifically wrong with tits, Satanism, and dick jokes. The pacing of events is just absurd, with Rob Zombie letting off the gas pedal here and there just enough for you to catch your breath before the next turn to "Who-knows-where?" happens.

One thing that was personally gratifying for me was how the satirical look at misogynism, racism, vile language, sex, and violence wasn't even thinly veiled. The simple honesty of the feature being "what it is" and not chickening out and pulling punches was refreshing. The main attraction of this animated film to me was it's willingness to be just a little different and the "Who gives a fuck?" approach to it's construct.

Now, with all of that being said, no one is going to confuse this with animated masterpieces like Fantasia or use it's name in the same context of Heavy Metal. No one is going to mistake this for high theater or lay out a red carpet for Rob Zombie to accept an Oscar. It's just not what El Superbeasto is about. However, what it does offer is a really neat cast of talents (add Zombie favorites like Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley, and Sid Haig to the aforementioned cast), unique characters, super fun music, and all of the over-enunciated and boiled over imaginative process that Rob Zombie has to offer.

Finally, even though The Haunted World of El Superbeasto personally had me laughing to the point of choking, it's not the film for everybody. If you think you will hate it, you are probably right. If you think you will love it, you are probably right. For those of you on the fence, if you are not emotionally attached to that $4 you have, treat yourself to a tuppenny rush and penny dreadful.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

EPIC WIN


The win is so epic, I am going to just summarize then link to an article:

  1. Iowa remains undefeated at 8-0.
  2. They are the first 8-0 team in school history.
  3. We won on fourth down with 2 seconds left in the game with a TD pass. (Stanzi to McNutt)
  4. That picture? THE Catch.
What a time to be alive! GO HAWKS!

(Here is that article I promised to link.)

Bonus! KCRG put up a vid!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tim Dwight-More Than A Football Hero


For me, memories of Tim Dwight start long before Super Bowl touchdowns, Iowa Hawkeye Football in Kinnick Stadium, or the red and white of Iowa City High. They go back to a playground at Mark Twain Elementary school and a bunch of kids playing kickball. There was a fence out past the swings, and the really good kickballplayers could kick it out by them swings, a home run for sure, but no one ever kicked it OVER the fence. Well, no one until Tim Dwight.

Growing up, Tim Dwight was a year ahead of me in school, and was always the ultimate "cool guy". He was the fastest, the strongest, and best at every sport. He was our star player on our football team and led us to a state football championship his senior year. He went on to play as an Iowa Hawkeye as one of the most popular ever "Homegrown Hawks". He put up blazing kick return touchdowns and caught for more yards than any Hawkeye ever had. When college was done, he went on to have a great decade-long pro-career, the bulk of it with the Atlanta Falcons and San Diego Chargers.

Now, for a normal guy in Iowa City that is a lot of good reasons to have Tim Dwight as a football hero. However, the reason he's one of my heroes is because of something a little more. It's not because he's a big star, a big football hero, it's because of the way he treats other people, especially children and children with disabilities. In fact, he holds an annual football camp to help fund his Tim Dwight Foundation Scholarship. Even a cursory search for images of Tim Dwight turns up many pictures of him interacting with children, and most of all BEING POSITIVE about it.

Even on a personal note for myself, Tim is just a nice guy. I used to be too shy to approach him in high school (I wasn't one of the "cool guys"), but once I finally talked to him, I found out he wasn't a "cool guy", he was just a guy like me or someone else. Polite, courteous, positive, well-spoken, enthusiastic, intelligent, giving...the kind of virtues you are glad are exemplified in a young man in a prominent role that comes from a small city in Iowa. Thank you for representing us so well, Touchdown Timmy!

Friday, October 16, 2009

I am seething.


I read this article this morning, and now all I can see is red. (Super brief summary, old white justice of the peace refuses to marry interracial couples.) You know what? If you want to be a racist asshole, just come right on out and say it. Don't pretend to be anything else. The thing that fucking kills me is the first words out of this dicksponge's mouth:

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way,"

Merriam Webster defines:

Main Entry: hyp·o·crite
Pronunciation: \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
Date: 13th century

1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

**************

Asshole, racist, hypocrite...but he is doing it all because he cares for the children!

"There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage," Bardwell said. "I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it."

OK, if your eyes don't look like Donald Duck's up there at this point, there is something seriously fucking wrong with you. Yes, fuckhead's fucked up reason for being a asshole racist hypocrite is that he doesn't want the poor little mixed kids to suffer.

He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

WELL SHIT THE BED! This oughta fucking help! Let me summarize your position here, Fartwell, "You disgusting mixed children are such an unholy abomination I am going to do everything in my power to make sure you aren't even born into this world...because I care about you." Does that about sum it up you fucking pig? Boy howdy, nothing like sending a positive, reaffirming message of "You should have never been born." to all the little mixed kids of the world, huh fuckwit???

Still, with all of the blatant fucking ignorance and intolerance this guy spews in the few short sentences he had available, nothing kills me more than this:

"I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom."

I feel I simply must apologize here, Fartwell. I didn't realize you had "black friends", that makes everything better and absolves you of being a racist fuck...honestly! Use your bathroom? It must have fucking killed you that you didn't have a "Colored Bathroom" installed!

You fucking asshole. I have friends that happen to be black, too! But I don't call them my "black friends", they are just my FRIENDS. You can pretend all you want in your mind that you aren't a racist, but you are and you might as well just fucking admit it. If you were really interested in helping mixed children, you might just start treating them like children need to be treated, with love, care, and support.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Tyler Sash is actually a comic book hero


Tyler Sash solidified himself as a Hawkeye legend when he led the Hawkeyes into Ames in 2009 and curb-stomped the living fuck out of the Cyclones. His three interception and one forced fumble effort only tells part of the story that is the unparalleled manliness and assbeat that is Tyler Sash. So, to help round out the urban legend of Tyler Sash, I offer you this:

Top Ten Absolutely 100% True Facts* You Don't Know About Tyler Sash

  1. Tyler Sash is actually a cyborg sent from the future by Klingons to be awesome.
  2. Tyler Sash saved a kitty from a tree by willing the tree to die.
  3. Tyler Sash hides under the boogieman's bed.
  4. When Tyler Sash finds Brittney, he is going to hang her from the Nile Kinnick statue with her own intestines.**
  5. Tyler Sash stays in prison during his free time so he can beat up pedophiles between games and not "mellow" his "harsh".
  6. Tyler Sash drinks Jobu's rum, and there isn't a fucking thing Jobu can do about it.
  7. If Tyler Sash finds out one of his teammates didn't eat their Wheaties, he eats their spleen.
  8. Tyler Sash broke the rock. With his dick.
  9. When Tyler Sash ass-pats you in the shower, it actually makes you more of a man. If he towel whips you, it's because he cares.
  10. Science is sure that there is no "kryptonite" for Tyler Sash.

*probably not true
**if Tyler is actually the player in question, I apologize. That's not cool.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Awesome Dream-Jedi Master Dalton


Dor sho gha! I had one of the most action-packed, pseudo-sci-fi, kung-fu-fightin' dreams last night! Check it out:

Dalton was straight up the first Jedi ever. He perceived that he must search out for a student, and began to wander. Now, Dalton is still Dalton and his wandering landed him a job as a bouncer for some titty-bar somewhere. Oddly enough, Dalton found his student when a young guy who was broke, down on his luck, and homeless came looking for a job as a bouncer. (He's kind of nameless in the dream, but he was a naive, wimpy, nerdy guy...kinda like Michael Cera. Also, after this point in the dream my perception shifts only between 1st person on Wimpy and 3rd person of Dalton.) Dalton takes this guy under his wing and starts training him to be a badass.

Well, one Saturday night when the club is hoppin', this gigantic mean-lookin' hillbilly (that oddly resembled Robert Baker from Chinese Connection) comes in, and Dalton knows this guy is trouble before he even finishes lookin' him up and down. No sooner than he gets through the door, Hillbilly starts cussin', demanding whiskey, and feeling up the girls. Dalton looks over to Wimpy (who is trying to talk to the waitress he is sweet on) and gives a whistle. Wimpy snaps to and runs over to Dalton's side.

Dalton and Wimpy walk over to the Hillbilly and Dalton gives him the polite routine about asking him to please leave. The request goes over like a lead balloon, Hillbilly pulls a hunting knife and grabs Wimpy, holding the knife to his throat. Hillbilly says some shit about, "How bad you gonna be Dalton, when I do yer boy in, right here?"

In the long list of Klingon proverbs, one of the lesser-known but fundamentally truthful is "Don't fuck with Dalton." Unfortunately for Hillbilly, he was not well-versed in Klingon proverbs and when he goes to stab Wimpy the knife flies out of his hand! Dalton's eyes are glowing bright white and he is surrounded by a faint glowing aura (think, "The Glow" from The Last Dragon) as the knife leaps into his hand. No sooner than Dalton receives the knife then he returns it to Hillbilly in his shoulder. Hillbilly screams in pain, lets go of Wimpy, and the real fight is ON.

Now, this next part is why I love my fucking dreams. Dalton yells at the girls to get Wimpy away and keep him safe (I told you the kid was a pussy), and he and Hillbilly start wrecking the place with epic ass kicking! Remember how I told you my perception of the dream goes from 3rd to 1st person on Wimpy? Well, as all hell is breaking loose around me with Dalton doing all kinds of Ninja Jedi shit, the girls are corralling me back to their dressing room. I keep telling them I need to go help Dalton, so they do the one thing they KNOW will distract a nerdy loser like me. Oh, that is fucking right!!! I start getting done by three strippers while two of them are holding me down in a chair!!! (Kahless, I am not worthy.)

The story does not end there, though! No sooner is Wimpy finished becoming a man, but Dalton has kicked Hillbilly's ass and tossed what's left out on the street. Dalton walks over to Wimpy at the bar just covered in blood (some of it his, most of it Hillbilly's) and they celebrate both of their accomplishments by eating hot fudge sundaes. BOO YA!