Wednesday, August 26, 2009

INCREDIBLEy Not Disappointing!


So, I was home sick yesterday and my mom rented me that Incredible Hulk movie with Ed Norton. Having exceedingly low expectations after the incredible shitfest the last Hulk movie was, I was actually surprised that this one didn't blow dirty Samoan Football Player ass.

I am not going to review the movie per se, but I am going to point out a small point that I found overlooked in many reviews (1) of the Incredible Hulk I read. *SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE A YEAR OLD AHEAD AND SPECULATION FOR A POSSIBLE SEQUEL TO A YEAR OLD MOVIE AHEAD!*

So, there is the supporting character of Dr. Samuel Sterns who helps turn Tim Roth into the villainous "Abomination". However, during the transformation process, we see Dr. Sterns get hit with some of Abomination's blood and his head starts..."poofing out".

Well, anyone that considers themselves even remotely well-versed in Marvel comic lore realizes that they are laying a trail of breadcrumbs for Dr. Sterns to be the possible villain in a possible sequel, a harrowing and fiendish lout named...LEADER! Oh, fuck, not that fucking loser! Leader sucks shit!

This is where I assert a more promising character for lead villain in a possible Hulk sequel: Bi-Beast! This guy is so gnarly he can suck you off and toss your salad at the same time, and doesn't play favourites when comes to boys and girls! Besides, if you need any more evidence that this guy NEEDS to be in a movie, read the opening segment from his bio:

"Bi-Beast was the android caretaker of a floating island formerly inhabited by a race of Bird People."

Now that is fuckin' HAWT!



Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Bacon Covered Clown


Following is a list of events/items from my vacation to the Iowa State Fair that I found to be amusing/pleasurable/horrifying and generally somewhat interesting:

  • There was a clown miked up in a dunk tank that would taunt you as you tried to hit the target with the softball. When I missed the first time he says, "I bet if that was a bacon cheeseburger you wouldn'ta missed it! NYA HA HA HAA!" (BTK, if that clown had a family, his remains are stuffed under the Tilt-A-Whirl.)
  • There was an "evolution critics" display in the Varied Industries building. They had great fundie literature straight from the Creation Museum in Kentucky. Yeah.
  • The voice of the Hawkeyes, Bob Brooks was there and signed my Hawkeye hat! QAPLAH!
  • Furthermore, the Hawkeyes had cheerleaders handing out free posters, a trophy case with out latest Bowl trophy, AND FLOYD OF ROSEDALE! ZOMG! (Oddly enough, there was a small, quiet table with a few posters laying on it at the Iowa State booth...)
  • HONEY. LEMONADE. FTW. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Lemonade Tacos.
  • Really great art exhibit by people with disabilities. Those people are a trillion times more creative and inspired than the average scarf wearing art fag.
  • Now, for the single most redneck thing I saw: There was a..."display" where a monster truck was positioned over a smashed car, and a HUGE sign from the truck window read, "CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON ON A STICK 2 FOR $5!" Like...seriously.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I get into religious arguments


A time-killer I recently picked up is "debating" fundamental religious types, the really ignorant, venom-spitting ones. It all stemmed from my incredulity at a measure being taken in a school board in Georgia a few years back to undermine the teaching of Evolution in public schools. I simply couldn't believe (initially) that something like that would take place in this day and age.

WRONG!

Not only does the idiotic voice of "Special Creation" still exist, some of the mouthbreathers have figured out how to use the interwebs and are using it as a tool to spread their ignorant message (you know, "Evilooshun is wrong because god made us perfect and scientists are trying to indoctrinate our children into atheism", and shit like that).

Anyway, here is a dime-a-dozen example of trying to communicate with these morons:

Fundy with a Bible-"The bible makes many statements... one being the fact, that God not only created everything, but he controls it... by the bible's estimate this is true... What is it so hard to believe he allowed the sun to stand still, wouldn't it be much harder to create it?... what evidence do you have that he didn't? You have none... therefore, your decision that God does not exist, is based on faith, as well!"

Me being tongue-in-cheek with reply-"What is it so hard to believe Kahless allowed the sun to stand still, wouldn't it be much harder to create it?... what evidence do you have that Kahless didn't? You have none... therefore, your decision that Kahless does not exist, is based on faith, as well!"

Fundy with a Bible reponds-"I agree! You have finally said something thatmakes sense..."

********************************

In summary, fundies only understand you when you speak sarcastically about imaginary characters. I guess in some kind of cosmic joke kind of way this could be funny, but in reality these people are just cow-fucking morons.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Manliest Living Performers


This is a simple exercise in idol worship from a Klingon impersonating accountant from Iowa.

THE MANLIEST LIVING PERFORMERS

  1. Clint Eastwood-If you don't understand why "Clintoris" is #1, you are reading the wrong blog and need to go kill yourself. If it wasn't for guys like Mr. Eastwood, America would be full of cardigan-sweater-wearing teetoalers that clean house and read Twilight novels.
  2. The Undertaker-This is a simple fucking formula. Blood/violence/pyrotechnics? Check. Muscles/tattoos? Check. Undead themes/awesome music? Check. STEEL CAGE MATCHES? Check. Chewing tobacco/motorcycles/biker babes? Check. Throw in having a manager that is deep south ex-Air Force, and getting to beat up Randy Orton whenever you want, and you have a the kind of man that would kick Thor's ass.
  3. Arnold Schwarzenegger-Even though he has been delegated to gubernatorial duties, Ahnold could ride the coattails of his performance in the Conan movies alone into one of these top spots.
  4. Robert Downey Jr.- In our first real departure from the ultra macho and performance enhancing, we have a man that has churned out astonishing performances that were fortunately caught on tape between outlandish binges of sex, drugs, rock n roll, and "Who fucking knows?" To summarize, RDJ is so manly that his johnson is the only thing that Paris Hilton's cooch (or Perez Hilton's ass) fears. I am certain the only thing that could kill RDJ is a nuke or the Crimson Dynamo.
  5. Sir Ian McKellen-That's right, fuckwits. He's been Macbeth, he's been Gandalf, and he will ruin your shit. Don't believe me? Watch this clip and tell me you didn't feel emasculated:




Oh yeah, you just got served.

Honourable mention-Patrick Swayze-When life serves you an ex-con that "used to fuck guys like you in prison", do what ol' Dalton does. Tear his fucking throat out.

*update-Well, technically ol' Dalton ain't with us on this fine planet any more, BUT as long as one copy of Roadhouse exists on VHS or DVD...Dalton...will...never...die.