Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Last Person On Earth


Have you ever wondered what it might be like to be the last person on Earth? What the hell would you do as the last known sentient being on the planet?

These types of thoughts have occurred to me before, and I often tried to imagine I would try to something noble and magnanimous, however, when I thought about what I would probably really want to do, it would be summed up like the following:

First thing I do is find my ass a Dodge Viper and drive that bitch like a bat out of hell. No AAA? No towing service? No EMTs? NO PROBLEM!

Once I got my situation with my wheels covered, I start my nationwide cruise that has exactly THREE stops in every town I visit.

  1. Grocery store. For canned food and other life neccessities (booze).
  2. Police stations. Why you ask? Well, stupid, where else am I supposed to find drugs and guns stockpiled all nice and easy? Furthermore, if you gotta ask what I need the guns for being the only person alive, there's a good reason you are dead in this timeline.
  3. Sex shops. To complete my tour of the United States, I am going to defile every Livedoll/Realdoll I can find. However, I am going to find the "perfect" one and save her/him for a special occasion.
Now at some point, I figure I will unintentionally sober up and get bored of the tour, so I will head for the grand finale. It kicks off with a drive to Washington DC. I will take my "perfect" little Livedoll and screw it on the desk in the oval office.

After my farewell fuck, I fulfill my last dream. I teach myself to fly a fighter jet!!! OH WHA AH AH AH!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHFFFFUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!

KERBOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like to imagine I at least fire off a few of the missiles before I crash it.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Tessto



So, I was thinking to myself how awesome the tessto was, and decided to do a web search about it only to find THERE IS EXACTLY JACK AND SHIT ABOUT TESSTOS ON THE INTERNET!!!

This was a travesty of awesomeness that needed correcting, so here we have it:

RESPECT THE TESSTO!

For avid fans of Dungeons & Dragons, some may recognize the tessto as a weapon of choice for minotaurs. And why not? They kick ass! A cookie-cutter definition looks like:

The tessto is a 6'-long studded club with a loop of rope at its hilt. Using this weapon offensively requires great Strength. A cunning master can use the tessto defensively by spinning it around its center like a baton, and using its loop to snag feet, hands, and heads.

In layman's terms, the tessto is like a gigantic fat branch with these big, barbed and spikey studs all over it. It can not only pummel an enemy, but shred him as well...LOOK!


Can you even imagine anything more assbeat than that?! The fucking frog guy got beat upside that fucking tree so hard it blew his fucking brains out AND the tessto is wrenching out his fucking intestines!!! BAM!!!

So there it is, the coolest weapon in the universe: The tessto.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Die cuntscab!


OK, so my company has a toll free number that we use ONLY for when we list job openings in the paper (which we do maybe twice a year). It gets used so little, it is almost shocking when a call comes in on that line.

Furthermore, we have lots of numbers for lots of people where I work. Being that I take over 90% of the incoming calls to the company, I need to know these numbers (and I do). In fact, the amount of company numbers I have committed to memory is astonishing. However, I cannot recite the toll free number off the top of my head. We hardly ever use it.

So, I get this call today from this bitch who is obviously in a HUGE fucking hurry. She tells me she needs to be transferred to extension "XYZ" (for the sake of brevity/privacy). Well, we don't have an extension "XYZ", so I ask her who she is trying to contact. She states, "Oh, well I most likely have the wrong number, isn't this '877-ABC-DEFG'?"

At this point, I am thinking, "Well that almost sounds like our toll free number, maybe a digit off." So I start saying to her, "Just a sec...", as I check our phone listings and she cuts in on me, "OH WOW, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR OWN PHONE NUMBER??? WOW! SCARY! I AM JUST GOING TO HANG UP AND TRY CALLING THIS NUMBER AGAIN!" *CLICK*

Yeah, so some cunt that admittedly thought she called the wrong number called me ignorant, insulted my intelligence, and hung up on me. Look for her on the back of a milk carton next week.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

New Dream-2 girls 1...Klingon?


OK, this dream makes for a pretty uninteresting story, and I am only really telling it because I got to bang two hot chicks in it. Let's go!

So, I had become reacquainted with a girl I knew from high school (let's call her "Blondie"). She was a pretty girl 12 years ago, and in my dream she had matured very nicely. We were at her apartment talking when her roommate (oddly enough one of the hottest strippers {let's call her "Garter"} I had seen when in Key West) came home flustered and crying.

Garter explained to that she had just caught her boyfriend cheating on her and broke up with him, and was really mad at him, furious. Blondie then says to her, "You should find the first guy with a big dick and fuck his brains out to spite that asshole!", then she motions over to me. (Oh, yeah, we are on a collision course with a porno plot!)

The funny thing was that, in the dream, I was actually thinking "Oh I shouldn't, I'm married, she's upset and will regret it..." and so on, but then I start necking with with Garter and Blondie starts undressing with the cute little quip, "You guys don't mind, right?", I suddenly found myself not really giving a shit.

I will spare you the "Penthouse Forum" part of this dream, save to tell you that the dream for a while was fucking explicit and raunchy. (My fave is when I was doing Garter from behind, Blondie gets a bottle of lube and tells me to pull out. She squirts lube all over my schlong and Garter's ass and guides me in. Fucking SWEET! Ooops, a little Penthouse Forum after all!)

There was also a subplot afterward of the girls selling drugs and me having to pretend I was so high I was comatose, but fuck it. I got to be the lightning rod for a threesome spite fuck with two hot girls!

Well, in my dreams. :/