Friday, October 2, 2009

Awesome Dream-Jedi Master Dalton

Dor sho gha! I had one of the most action-packed, pseudo-sci-fi, kung-fu-fightin' dreams last night! Check it out:

Dalton was straight up the first Jedi ever. He perceived that he must search out for a student, and began to wander. Now, Dalton is still Dalton and his wandering landed him a job as a bouncer for some titty-bar somewhere. Oddly enough, Dalton found his student when a young guy who was broke, down on his luck, and homeless came looking for a job as a bouncer. (He's kind of nameless in the dream, but he was a naive, wimpy, nerdy guy...kinda like Michael Cera. Also, after this point in the dream my perception shifts only between 1st person on Wimpy and 3rd person of Dalton.) Dalton takes this guy under his wing and starts training him to be a badass.

Well, one Saturday night when the club is hoppin', this gigantic mean-lookin' hillbilly (that oddly resembled Robert Baker from Chinese Connection) comes in, and Dalton knows this guy is trouble before he even finishes lookin' him up and down. No sooner than he gets through the door, Hillbilly starts cussin', demanding whiskey, and feeling up the girls. Dalton looks over to Wimpy (who is trying to talk to the waitress he is sweet on) and gives a whistle. Wimpy snaps to and runs over to Dalton's side.

Dalton and Wimpy walk over to the Hillbilly and Dalton gives him the polite routine about asking him to please leave. The request goes over like a lead balloon, Hillbilly pulls a hunting knife and grabs Wimpy, holding the knife to his throat. Hillbilly says some shit about, "How bad you gonna be Dalton, when I do yer boy in, right here?"

In the long list of Klingon proverbs, one of the lesser-known but fundamentally truthful is "Don't fuck with Dalton." Unfortunately for Hillbilly, he was not well-versed in Klingon proverbs and when he goes to stab Wimpy the knife flies out of his hand! Dalton's eyes are glowing bright white and he is surrounded by a faint glowing aura (think, "The Glow" from The Last Dragon) as the knife leaps into his hand. No sooner than Dalton receives the knife then he returns it to Hillbilly in his shoulder. Hillbilly screams in pain, lets go of Wimpy, and the real fight is ON.

Now, this next part is why I love my fucking dreams. Dalton yells at the girls to get Wimpy away and keep him safe (I told you the kid was a pussy), and he and Hillbilly start wrecking the place with epic ass kicking! Remember how I told you my perception of the dream goes from 3rd to 1st person on Wimpy? Well, as all hell is breaking loose around me with Dalton doing all kinds of Ninja Jedi shit, the girls are corralling me back to their dressing room. I keep telling them I need to go help Dalton, so they do the one thing they KNOW will distract a nerdy loser like me. Oh, that is fucking right!!! I start getting done by three strippers while two of them are holding me down in a chair!!! (Kahless, I am not worthy.)

The story does not end there, though! No sooner is Wimpy finished becoming a man, but Dalton has kicked Hillbilly's ass and tossed what's left out on the street. Dalton walks over to Wimpy at the bar just covered in blood (some of it his, most of it Hillbilly's) and they celebrate both of their accomplishments by eating hot fudge sundaes. BOO YA!


Stephanie said...

What I really want to know is, will Wimpy gladly pay me Tuesday for a hamburger today?

Dirty Hairy said...

Wimpy would rather make your taco pop.