Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Manliest Living Performers

This is a simple exercise in idol worship from a Klingon impersonating accountant from Iowa.


  1. Clint Eastwood-If you don't understand why "Clintoris" is #1, you are reading the wrong blog and need to go kill yourself. If it wasn't for guys like Mr. Eastwood, America would be full of cardigan-sweater-wearing teetoalers that clean house and read Twilight novels.
  2. The Undertaker-This is a simple fucking formula. Blood/violence/pyrotechnics? Check. Muscles/tattoos? Check. Undead themes/awesome music? Check. STEEL CAGE MATCHES? Check. Chewing tobacco/motorcycles/biker babes? Check. Throw in having a manager that is deep south ex-Air Force, and getting to beat up Randy Orton whenever you want, and you have a the kind of man that would kick Thor's ass.
  3. Arnold Schwarzenegger-Even though he has been delegated to gubernatorial duties, Ahnold could ride the coattails of his performance in the Conan movies alone into one of these top spots.
  4. Robert Downey Jr.- In our first real departure from the ultra macho and performance enhancing, we have a man that has churned out astonishing performances that were fortunately caught on tape between outlandish binges of sex, drugs, rock n roll, and "Who fucking knows?" To summarize, RDJ is so manly that his johnson is the only thing that Paris Hilton's cooch (or Perez Hilton's ass) fears. I am certain the only thing that could kill RDJ is a nuke or the Crimson Dynamo.
  5. Sir Ian McKellen-That's right, fuckwits. He's been Macbeth, he's been Gandalf, and he will ruin your shit. Don't believe me? Watch this clip and tell me you didn't feel emasculated:

Oh yeah, you just got served.

Honourable mention-Patrick Swayze-When life serves you an ex-con that "used to fuck guys like you in prison", do what ol' Dalton does. Tear his fucking throat out.

*update-Well, technically ol' Dalton ain't with us on this fine planet any more, BUT as long as one copy of Roadhouse exists on VHS or DVD...Dalton...will...never...die.

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