Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Well, I had an interesting dream last night! In this dream, I was invited to a "swingers group" by Katie Holmes (an actress). I wouldn't say I have got it hot for her or anything, but she ain't exactly ugly. So we go to this weird "sex club" to orgy with the freaks. It had a little bit of everything there, including several "racks" to tie people down to.
Katie chooses a device that ties you up so you are like restrained under this table, and locks me up in it (call me, ladies!). Then she goes and finds this fine looking red head, and they open a suit case filled with lingerie and dress each other up. After they are all purtied up, they make out hot and heavy, until they are next to me on the floor "scissoring*" each other like a foot from my face.
After Katie gets off, she stands up and pulls this lever that gets me from laying on my back to an upright position. Then she walks over and gets on her knees in front of me. The table I was under gets sort of flattened against my chest, and a compartment opens up at my crotch so my schlong is exposed.
Katie whips out my pecker (Kahless, I love my fucking dreams...my dick is always so fucking gigantic in them. I had a dream once where my dick was so long I could throw it over my shoulder. As it was, it was baseball bat sized in this dream.) and she starts going down on me.
Unfortunately, my subconcious mind decides to fuck with me here, and every time I looked down Katie's face got more and more masculine. After a short while it looked like it was fucking Kevin Sorbo blowing me. Not good.
The good news is that I didn't pop on Hercules, so it wasn't gay.
FUCK YOU! I wasn't the one with a dick in my mouth!
Anywho, we will call that the 99.9% good dream.
*in case you are too retarded to know what scissoring is, it's girls grinding pussies
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
OK, so when I am not impersonating Klingons and hating mankind, I actually have a soft spot. I love animals. This is a picture of myself with my friend's new (at the time) puppy. This picture has to be pushing ten years old.
Oh, and that POS Chevy Beretta in the back? That was the car my brother and I called the "Millennium Falcon" (or just "Falcy"). There wasn't anything real special about that car, but boy could it move!
So...I will go find a senior citizen to verbally berate and blog about it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
ROFLKOTAL! Wouldn't it be funny if someone named their child, "Adolf Hitler"? Think of all the hilarious antics that could and would ensue!
And they wonder why the grocery store didn't want to make a cake with the child's FULL name on it?
These forshak-hut dwelling yIntaghs need to go breed themselves to extinction. Wow, great shock value you have going there, Ace, you and your little family of Nazi children! Oh, did I forget to mentions that little Adolf's sister is "JoyceLynn Aryan Nation", and their fuckwad father likes to proclaim his German heritage by wearing "a pair of black boots he said were worn by a German soldier during World War II". Oooooooo...PROFOUND!
Listen, dicktucker, this doesn't make you "original" or a visionary. You want to shake up some social boundaries? Start doing birthday parties in orphanages and Ronald McDonald Houses as a clown named "Child Killing Pedophile". Be sure to include a sexually themed balloon animal routine, pictures of the Holocaust, and lots of "nigger" jokes.
By Kahless' Beard, but do they grow these humans stupid these days!
Friday, December 12, 2008
To the tune of "Sinbad the Sailor":
He's Feklahr the Mighty, so hearty and hale,
He bangs big ol' fatties the size of a whale.
He's a whale of a manwhore! (that's not a bad joke);
The captain of Grethor is this baktag bloke.
Who's the most un-Romulan extraordinary warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
He abducts cheerleaders in a van on a whim.
But chicks from the sticks?--they all fall for Him!
He severs craniums wherever they're found.
He does mean to brag, folks, cuz He killed a clown.
Who's the most qovlpathal extra-special kind of warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
From the Valley of Serpents these dildos He took!
He rubbed one out with one dirty book!
Now look at this boner, so strong and so huge!
He'd frighten King Kong, but it's only His spooge!
Using vibrating anal eggs is just fun;
Whoever said burns scars were suited for none?!
Who's the most depraved, sex-starved, extra-horny warrior?
Youse! Feklahrs the Mighty!
On one of His travels, He ran into this:
Now there was a thrill He'd be sorry to miss!
Grace00 spread out her legs, and the sunlight grew dim.
The stench of tuna pie overwhelmed Him!
Who's the most forshakkable extraordinary warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
Who's the ice cream truck driving, child abducting warrior?
Feklahr the Mighty!
He's afraid of robots, bugs, clowns, and nuns!
All He says is, "Bah!" to shoot photons from guns!
Who's the questionably masculine, extra macho warrior? WHO?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I am going to make a long story short. For those of my readers that do not know, I have a cousin that is about 6 years younger than me and he is "developmentally challenged". (To abbreviate, the guy is half-retarded.) Now, with that said, I love the guy. He has one of the biggest hearts of any of my family members, and he has had a lot to overcome in his young life (in addition to any cognitive disabilities) and is doing as well as could be hoped, and I feel he is prospering in his situation.
Recently, our grandmother passed away. My cousin was very close to her, and he was very distraught, very sad. Hey, it's understandable, I was so upset I took a day off of work to grieve. Sure, grandma was old and the sun had set on her time on Earth, but I was sad, and my cousin was very sad.
At the funeral, when the service was over and it was time to close the casket, my cousin became very upset and started crying. I went over to him for moral support, and shortly after his mother and (what I assume was) a family friend rushed over to my cousin and got in his face with, "Don't do this, we should be happy for Grandma! She is with God now! Stop crying and pray with us!", etc., etc.
I was livid. The fucking guy was grieving the loss of his grandmother. Regardless of the perspective anyone else hammers it into, straight up, the dude was sad. How are you going to tell a grown man (despite his disabilities) in front of the whole family to "Stop crying, it's not doing any good, NOW PRAY!"???
Real constructive use of your religion there, you sanctimonious fucking half-wits. The kid has enough fucking problems in his life, the last thing he fucking needs is intellectually repressed heathens force feeding fucking Christian indoctrination! Leave the guy the fuck alone you fundie fucknuts!
Then again, that is what you animals do best, isn't it? Kick the guy when he is fucking down. All I can say to that is, you better watch out for when these people decide to kick back, you fucking worthless pricks.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
For those that don't know, I am a regular on the Evolution Debate thread of Topix. I usually just hang out and and blast the fundies that try to "disprove" evolution, and I even inadvertently manage to make a point from time to time.
Well, for the past few months we (being the rational minded people of Topix) have been bombarded with retardation by a fundie named Wilson (I call him Failson, because he is so full of fail). Failson is a Jehovah's Witness (remember what I said about "fail"?). In one of his raving ratns of lunacy, Failson asserts that people that don't accept God have no moral compass, then he posted this beaut:
"SEE IF YOU REALLY KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG!
How could you, the evolutionist/atheist, know what is morally acceptable behavior - right from wrong?"
He goes on to list...um..."things" (which are itemized below) and tells us, "NOW - take the time, fellas, and pick from this list the ones that are unacceptable behaviors."
I responded, but I would like to expound upon my response in my own Klingon-esque fashion (and in a forum without a profanity filter). So, without further ado, I presnt, "Failson's Questionable List of Questionable Behaviour":
Lesbianism-Right out the gate, the fundie goes for homosexuals! Do I care about rugmunchers? No. PASS.
homosexuality-Ditto, minus the rugmunching.
pornography-Especially with lesbians!!! (I guess I care about lesbianism more than I thought!)
NAMBLA-No thanks, I prefer people to have consenting adults as partners. Besides, just what the fuck is Failson arriving at, here? The only people that find NAMBLA "acceptable" are child rapers! You can say that sets up a false dichotomy, but you have it coming, pederast!!!
lying-my mom taught me better, no
insurance fraud-more lying, so no
crass commercialism-what the fuck, Failson? Does he mean having Britney Spears in Pepsi commercials?
justice for the rich-well, I believe in justice for all, so the rich are included. And what is with the phrasing of this question? Does being rich somehow exclude someone from getting a fair shake? OJ SImpson was rich and he was fairly acquitted of murder!
Anyway, moving along...
political intrigue-sounds fun! What the hell does it mean? Where does he get this shit? "Political intrigue"...like in the movies?
price gouging-Boo! Who the fuck likes price gouging (other than the people that profit from it)?
permissiveness-Huh? One of the definitions is "tolerance". I would have to say that is acceptable.
fornication-YES. Notice how he had to space out sexually themed topics?
uncleanness-Huh? How "unclean" are we talking?
loose conduct-Dude, what the fuck? "Loose conduct"? Like quote mining and cherry picking credible scientific sources to misconstrue them to appear as if they support Creationism?
idolatry-I like Billy Idol. (Seriously, though, what planet does this guy live on? Oh, wait, Jehovah's Witness...)
practice of spiritism-Sure, whatever the fuck that means you fundie retard.
enmities-On second thought, I guess it would be hypocritical of me to downcast hostility
strife, jealousy, fits of anger-In general, I am opposed to these types of things in interpersonal relations. However, I feel anger often has a constructive place. I feel that there are things we SHOULD be angry about (like Christian Fundamentalists trying to rewrite science with theistic doctrine).
contentions-If you go through your life without making ANY contentions, you are officially SPINELESS.
divisions-Like the NFC North? What the fuck is your damage, Failson?
sects-Whatever, how is this a "behaviour"?
envies-Are you making shit up? Wouldn't this fall in the aforementioned "jealousy"?
drunken bouts-The more the merrier! Drive yourself home afterwards, too!!!
greed-Is he expecting someone to say, "I have no problem with greed!"?
white slavery-A. "No" to ALL slavery B. What the fuck? What planet does th...oh, JW...
reviling-Another form of abuse, and the answer is still "no".
frivolous lawsuits-no (Does he expect any of these last 3 to have people pronouncing their acceptance of such things?)
violent entertainment-Is there any other kind? And just how "violent" are we talking? PG13 action movies with guns and swearing, or snuff porno films?
public nudity-I think it should be mandatory world-wide.
dope dealing-Someone has to sell it. Seriously, though, supply will always meet demand. Drug dealers are NOT the thing we need to be worrying about.
home invasion-...no (Oh, wait! I mean YES! Please invite yourself in and tell me about your religion!)
child pornography-no (consenting adult thing again...child raper thing again)
gun running-is this like running with scissors (no)
premarital and extramarital sex-Yes to the first, no to the second
foul language-what the fuck are you talking about?
unjust profit-unjust in and of itself gets a "no" from me
deforestation- no (and I prefer defenestration)
spousal assault-no (Again, this is a form of abuse)
drug abuse-no (recreational use ok)
prostitution-consenting adults, yes
abortion on demand-It will never happen. Not even under Obama, freak.
legal maneuvering-happens all the time
rebellion-Where the fuck would this counrty be without rebellion? Ask Ben Franklin and Martin Luther King, Jr.
insubordination-Ditto to above.
murder-I believe murder is always wrong, but killing is sometimes justified.
And there we have it! Failson's awesome list to gauge how "moral" you are. Hope you enjoyed the retardation and the Jehovah's Witness artwork! QAPLAH!