Monday, April 28, 2008

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Arooga Gremlin


I had issues when I was young, stemming mostly from my parent's divorce and their subsequent choices for...co-habitants. I used drawing a lot to help my sanity, and at the wee age of eight years old, I invented the Arooga Gremlin.

The Arooga Gremlin was a small, violent man. He had a swastika burned in his forehead, and a large drill for a penis. When he was angered he would use his drill-penis and skull-fuck whomever was angering him.

Let's just say the Arooga Gremlin did a LOT of fucking during my childhood.

I make no apologies for the Arooga Gremlin. He is simply an extension of my rage and malice.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Using teh com-pooter, lol!


I know I should be more benevolent and patient, but people that act all fucking lost around computers fucking irritate me. I am not talking about old fucking geezers that try to dry their hair in microwaves, just like normal office people that act like fucking computers are this bizarre, alien fucking concept.

Admittedly, I have an upper hand, I am smart, rugged, and handsome, and I have had a computer in my home for the last 20+ years. I am not a "l33t h4XX0r" (elite hacker), but I know enough that I never have to take my PC into a shop for any upgrades, repairs, or issues.

So, for those of you not in "the know", I send this message: Defer fucking judgment to a computer nerd. Everyone knows one. Us computer nerds aren't doing anything special, we just know enough to go to help forums online and find the fix to our problem.

SHIT! Did I just say that out loud?

Oh, and Mac users can go fuck themselves. Only Communist Bastards use Macs.

/rant (IT'S AN HTML JOKE, GET IT?)

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Last "Fight" I Was In


It's been a good long while since I have been in a good old fashioned slobber-knocker, but the last fight I was in was pretty funny and makes for a decent tell.

I was working the grill at Hardee's (basically Carl Jr's) at the time. It was the downtown shop and we stayed open until 2:30 am on Friday and Saturday nights so we could do our "Bar Closing Special" (two burgers, two small fries, $2.22).

So the placed is packed wall to wall, we probably have 100 burgers in the bin with the manager screaming for more. The crowd is drunk and rowdy, and it is just chaotic everywhere.

Suddenly, one of the girls up front starts fucking screaming, "Get out of here you fucker! FUCKER!" I look out and there's this fucking guy had come across the counter and was throwing burgers out of the bin in to the crowd. I fucking run around to the front, and everyone is just standing there staring at him like deer in headlights, so I just fucking pounce the douche and start wailing him and tossing him into the milk cooler and shit.

The little douche gets loose and hops back across the counter next to his two friends. I square up, stick a finger out like fucking Dirty Harry and say, "You fuckers are all going to jail! Stay right there, don't fucking try me." (Or something equally manly.) The first guy takes that as a challenge and leaps at me back across the counter. I catch him by the head, shove him into the counter, and actually slap like a guillotine on him. Drunk Dumbasses 2 and 3 see their fucking stupid buddy flailing around and screaming on the counter and GRAB HIS LEGS to get him free from me.

I will remember what happened next for the rest of my life. It only took about 5 seconds, but it seemed like forever at the time. First, Drunk Dumbass #1's sandal goes flying by my head (from him thrashing and kicking) and lands in the bin of hamburgers, then Drunk Dumbasses 2 and 3 start this macabre game of tug-of-war against me using #1's body. They basically each have a leg and I have the fucking asshole by the neck.

My manager starts yelling, "Matt! MATT! Let him go! YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM!" (Thinking back on it, I am surprised we didn't tear his fucking head off.) So I fucking let go and he and his two friends go flying backwards into the crowd of drunk idiots (like in Revenge of the Nerds!), and fall over on top of each other.

I swear, no sooner than they hit the floor, the fucking cops come in and my manager is like, "Them! Those guys on the floor!" and they fucking arrested all three for underage drinking! BOOSH!

The clincher? The next day Drunk Dumbass #1's brother shows up and says to my manager, "Um...I guess my brother lost his sandal here last night...can I have it back?"

My fucking manager looks right at him and says, "No.", then tosses the sandal in the garbage can where we put spoiled meat and shit! PWNED!

We need capital punishment for DUIs...FAST!!!


I have no idea who this guy is, but it looks like a genetic experiment to cross Chris Benoit with Jeffrey Dahmer gone wrong (or right, depending on your point of view). This guy was arrested in Idaho for drunk driving, but I feel it is safe to assume that he is a serial killer and they should just give him the chair now.

Guy, if you ever come across this, it ain't nothing personal. Your mugshot is just weirding me out in all the ways that make me say "Gacy". You are on notice! If kids in Idaho start disappearing, I am going to circulate this image in emails world-wide!