Thursday, January 31, 2008

Eat shit, Freud!!!




I had the best fucking dream ever last night. It's not so much what happened in the dream, but how I answered a single question in that dream.

You see, in my dream, I was being psychologically evaluated by an attractive young woman. She was asking me a series of questions and typing my responses into her computer.

The real crowning achievement of this dream is when she asked me, "What is your biggest fear or worst nightmare that could come true?"

And I answer without hesitation:

World Peace.


Here is the long version of that dream:

I am a student on campus at some anonymous university. I am walking alone in the evening, headed towards one of the bigger buildings on campus. When I arrive, an attractive young woman (presumably another student, possibly a grad student) greets me wearing a white doctor's jacket.

She leads me to her office and has me sit down, and she sits at her desk and starts pulling things up on her computer. A Q&A session ensues, and she types all of my answers into a form on her computer, with the idea being the computer can "psychologically evaluate" me based on my responses.

When she gets to the question, "
What is your biggest fear or worst nightmare that could come true?", I answer, "World Peace."

She looks at me with a strange glance, and then starts embellishing upon my answer to construe it to mean that my fear was that World Peace could never be achieved. I stop her and say, "No, that isn't what I meant. I mean that I fear World Peace!"

She stops suddenly, looks at me terrified for just a moment, then corrects her form. As soon as she finishes, she states, "That is all, thanks for coming." and opens her door.

After I leave, I walk back across campus to student housing at a non-nondescript apartment building. The idea was that my wife and I lived there with my friend and his wife. My friend's wife had a friend visiting, a young and attractive Japanese woman that was pregnant.

When I get home, her and I are the only ones there. We make some small talk, but she excuses herself shortly stating she needed to exercise. She then walks to the living room, strips bare, lays on the floor and starts stretching. Then she lifts both legs in the air and says, "Matthias, why don't you come over here and fuck me?"

My artistic response was, "Why the hell not? It's not like I can fucking get you pregnant!"

Monday, January 28, 2008

Homeless Carnie Extraordinaire


I am not entirely sure where to start the tale of "H. R. Schroeder", I suppose we could start with the first time I met him. I was probably about 10 at the time, my mother had been dating a guy for a while and wanted my younger brother and I to meet him.

We pulled into a dingy gravel driveway that led to what looked like a run-down toolshed in a small clearing. A thin, grubby man with cowboy boots and Resistol hat emerged from the ruined little dumpy building, and got in the car. It was at that moment I knew my mom had found another winner.

She went out with HR for a few years, he even lived with us for a while. We learned a lot about him and his past. He was the bastard son of a small town Iowa woman. She would never tell him who his father was, and as far as I know took the secret to her grave (well, unless she is still alive). He dropped out of high school to join the military, got "released" from the military for "mental" issues, ran the tilt-a-whirl for a few years, and ended up as an off the books shade-tree-mechanic for the most redneck auto dealer in Iowa. (How redneck is redneck? The owner had a basset-hound named Flash (Google it, if you must). I rest my case.) It was Flash's Owner that set up HR in his fine shanty a hop, skip, and a jump from the auto dealer.

H.R. had a lot of bizarre and involved idiosyncrasies/outbursts/general weirdness surrounding the reality of being around him. I am going to list off a few that I can remember off the top of my head:
  • Probably the most infamous tale is one associated with a junky black and white tv he found on the side of the road. He would watch reruns of Beverly Hillbillies and Gilligan on it. One day the tv started sparking and smoking. I unplugged it and found that the plastic on the back of the tv was melting and smouldering. I left to tell my mom, and when we came back he had the fucking thing on again! We unplug it and set it on the floor, and he says "What are you doing?" We say, "This thing is going to start an electrical fire! Look, it's so hot the plastic is melting.". He reaches over and puts his hand on it, quickly withdraws it (like it hurts) and says, "It's cold!"
  • The most mentally disturbing tale was when my brother and I stayed up late one Friday night (probably reading comics). HR and my mom must have thought we were asleep and started boinking. Our room was right next to theirs, you couldn't hear everything, but you could hear enough. It was about 5 minutes into the romance when the classiest thing ever in the history of sex happened: "BBBBBBBEEEEEEERRRRRRRVVVVVVV!!! FRAPITTY FLAP FRAP! FRAP FRAP!" (loud fart noises) "Dammit! How many times have I told you not to fart while we are making love, HR!"
  • One time H.R. got mad at us because we said we didn't believe he could light his farts on fire. Then when he tried to show us, he wasn't able to do it. It was funny, he spazzed. (He wasn't having sex when he tried to light it [that time!])
  • We were playing a board/word game called Taboo one day. The game is to get your partner to guess a word without saying certain words or using gestures/pantomime. HR was trying to get his partner to guess "casino" and started using his hand like he was pulling a lever on a slot machine. I called him on the "gesture" rule. He threw a hissy fit, screaming, "IT WASN'T A GESTURE!", then proceeded to grab a can of Lysol spray and try to squirt me in the face, but missed.
  • There is a whole list of "HRisms":
  • "I swear on my Stepfather's grave!"
  • "Forward, never straight."
  • "Yes sir, no sir, kiss my ass sir!"
  • "I loved you since the day I died."
  • "M, dotted letter, crooked letter, crooked letter, dotted letter, crooked letter, crooked letter, dotted letter, humpback, humpback, dotted letter!" (spells Mississippi)
  • He liked to talk to himself in the shower, and 99% he gave himself directions to his uncles house in Anamosa.
  • He liked to call Anamosa "Ass-ammonia".
  • He sang sometimes. One time he walked though the apartment doing a paddling motion with his arms singing, "Get a canoe! Get a canoe!" over and over.
  • He liked to break things. He punched a hole in our wall and threw a case of Coco-Cola out the window of our second story apartment.
  • He was ignorant, he thought the song, "Mony Mony" was "Rolly Molly".
  • H.R. liked to bang fatties. He cheated on my mom with at least 3 women, none of which were less than 300 lbs (legitimately). My brother had the misfortune of meeting one of these women. She was at a carnival (surprise, surprise!) where he was picking up HR from. She was the most morbidly obese one and was wearing a halter top and spandex bike shorts. She had like bits of scrambled egg and funnel cake on her shirt and cleavage. Very tasty all around. He claimed, "They (fatties) need lovin', too!"
  • The only time I have ever been in a car that was involved in a (minor) collision, H.R. was driving.
  • H.R. pronounces "Toyota" "Tie-Oh-Tee".
  • H.R. once sang this: "Jermah-miah was a bawl-froog, was done gun a good frendomyn!"
  • He went bronco riding at a rodeo once. He didn't last 8 seconds. He didn't last .8 seconds.
I will add to this as I think of more, but I think you get the idea.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Filmdrunking - by The Mighty Fek'lhr


Qaplah, you forshak lapping dogs! Many people have asked The Mighty Fek'lhr about the intricacies and ambiguity surrounding the Filmdrunkards. In this, His humble attempt to cover as much ground in as short of space, The Mighty Fek'lhr will translate Filmdrunking to the masses.

First and foremost, you have to be a sick fuck to Filmdrunk. If you are squeamish or socially conscious in the least, you have no place there. The Filmdrunkards like to joke about dead hookers, farts, rape, minorities, or farting on a dead minority hooker after you rape and/or kill her (if s/he was alive to begin with). Nothing is taboo or off limits. To be an exceptional Filmdrunkard, working knowledge of: narcotics and alcohols, depraved sexual maneuvers, and body disposal tactics is also strongly recommended.

Second, one must be secure with their sexuality. There is no shame in admitting in a joking fashion about letting Val Kilmer bone you in the ass (unless you liked it). Every Filmdrunkard has been violated not only by the same sex, but by the same sex of different species. Period. There is a rule at Filmdrunk: It is not gay as long as you both were really drunk, one of you was dressed up like a girl, and/or the tranny was killed afterwards. Remember it. Furthermore, in Mexico it is only gay if you are "taking it".

Third, there are a lot of...unique terms tossed around at Filmdrunk, a newcomer might think We are raving incoherent sociopaths! The terms are split into two categories: General and Klingon.

General:
Durst-in reference to Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, "dursting" is like going to church and farting so loud that God punishes you by having the place go dead silent and everyone ignoring you. Nommy thought this up, so worship the fucking ground he walks on!

GRRR...(insert something manly here)-In the unfortunate event that something kinda un-hetero were to escape your lips/fingertips, face can be saved by growling ("GRRRRR") and saying something manly. For example: GRRRR...RED MEAT!, GRRRR...FOOTBALL!, GRRRR...PETE WENTZ! (just kidding!)

BTK-Bind, Torture, Kill: What Filmdrunkards do to the ones they love

broha-"brother", brutha, my bro, etc

Bruce Greenwood-The Best Actor that ever lived. PERIOD.

cankerdick-an unflattering term Canadians have for Americans

CKT-none of your fucking business

cummel-short for "cum towel", also known as a "cum rag". Never touch another guy's cummel.

COME AT ME BROLIATH!-the new best way to taunt your enemy!

"Getting Hustla'd"-When a Filmdrunkard gets caught Filmdrunking at his/her job and subsequently fired (made famous by Vegas Hustla)

DB's dead Nazi garlic cesar cockbreathed mother-a dead whore

Bryce's Grandmother-if it wasn't for her, most of us would still be virgins

fifi-an artificial vagina used for male pleasure

tater mitt-using a tater mitt as a fifi

Erswi Special-Manwich and a Fifi

A Durst Sausage Fest-What happens when things get too ghey around here and you guys need to go punch a fifi to feel manly again

Ass to Mouth-What every Filmdrunkard aspires to

FUCK MIKE!-if you know a guy named mike, he probably fucking sucks- FUCK MIKE!

"Aslan is on the move"-Filmdrunkenese for "I gotta shit...NOW!"

BOOSH-it pretty much means BOOSH!

Jacktion's! sexuality-Even though Jacktion! is the manliest of the Filmdrunkards, we continually try to emasculate him to cover our inadequacies

Erswi-This is Joker's Wild for those who haven't fucking figured it out

Jenkem-an awesome fucking hallucinogenic drug made of fermented shit and piss and captured in a balloon to be inhaled. It's great because the stupid fucking idiot kids that take it say that the only drawback to "ass-hashing" is that it leaves a "sewer taste" in your mouth for a few days.

Empty Jenkem Balloon :( - Indicates a sad event, anagram of "Jellybean Tempo Monk". Alternates: Empty Today Sponge :( , Full Jenkem Balloon :D , Empty Ammo Clip :( (ok, fine, I just made that up); antonyms include: "Full Jenkem Balloon" and "Trunk Full of Dead Children" :D

Duke-John Wayne in a Devo Hat

Cowabunga!!!-What all virile men say when they ejaculate (and slam down the phone receiver)

Eibmoz, Anti-Gravitational Breasts/Lalala, Al/Mr. Swearengen, Butters, Koru, BK, Chino Moreno, Heather Crapbag, Michelle07, Emmalee (and a few others)-these are some of the girls that Filmdrunk. We have no idea why. The Mighty Fek'lhr will try to update this list as females become apparent to Him.

Lanky Mangina/Lance Martini/Vince Mancini/Lince/Vance-The Dr. Filmdrunk that writes all the crazy funny posts.

Vince's Thumb > Uwe Boll


bird rapist-a Filmdrunkard

assflake, shitnail, cuntscab, cocktorch, cunt trumpet-cool words

penis-splint-What Brett Ratner has to wear because he Dursts so much he can't even homo right

Lisa Rinna-1. n - A talking plunger last seen interviewing the 'who's that' of Hollywood's C-List.
2. plastic-surgery-cock-vacuum-face
3. I think all this chicks went in for a vaginal rejuvination, but had a dyslexic doctor
4. I enjoyed Lisa Rinna's performance in Little Shop of Horrors
5. She's a cum curtain
6. her interviewing skills may be aweful, but look at that grip on the microphone!!!!! goddamn!!!!! harry hamlin is a lucky FUCK!!!!!
7. Lisa Rinna's face reminds me of either an odd-looking woman or a very sexy Plecostomus Catfish.
8. lisa rinna reminds me of the girl muppet from the electric mayhem band

"taint stab"- 1. verb: To thrust, plunge, or jab (a knife, pointed weapon, spiked brass knuckles, playful tongue) into the genital region's nether-world from which no light or hope may escape. Also, when performed with a silver Dunkin' Donuts swizzel stick (and adorned with a Thundercats Pog), it is the only known way to render Tom Cruise mortal. (variant - Taint Punch: noun, Drink served at the final Scientology meeting.) Also, generally considered the most hilarious way to win the Special Olympics 100m hurdles.
2. v. what occurs when they let Michael J Fox trim Tom Cruise's taint at the Scientology prayer meeting.
3. n. See "Lisa Rinna's lips"
4. n. an act common in prison. When an inmate hasn't showered and the taint begins to build up smegma. The smegma is collected until the wad is big enough to fashion into a shank or shiv. Sharpened on the concrete floor of the prison, the prisoner can deliver a fatal blow from the taint shank into the victims taint. When the prisoner is done stabbing the victim, he yells "COWABUNGA" and beats victim with the phone receiver.

geroge washingto-a legendary American hero

picture book for retards-graphic novel/comic book

Glen-is from Oregon

CotW-Comments of the Week are put up in an expedient and enthusiastic fashion each week by Vince

Hahden the fawk up!-What Carlton Fisk would say to your sorry ass if you fagged out on something (like peeing in a stall that had a door in a public restroom) It is also rumored that Underbite LOVES fake Boston accents.

the tip-What a Filmdrunkard gives Vince, to see if it feels good

Lt. Cockblock-any shitnail assflake cuntscab that tries to fuck with your mojo

Piss Boot-It's a cowboy boot full of piss, it's not Rocket Surgery

click-a gigantic clitoris that resembles a dick, made famous by Chyna (please don't click that link unless you mean it...oooo! a PUN!)

PortaBella Mushwomb- 1. Trust me, you don't want to know.

Is that the guy from Double Dragon?-it is polite to verify the veracity of this claim when someone changes their avatar (especially Pauly)

grace00-The vilest, stankiest cunt on planet Earth AND fatter than Kirstie Alley!!!

Retard/Kangaroo MMA-How JHC and Fek'lhr will make their millions.

Efronium-One day, scientists will identify the gay element and name it Efronium.

*****

Update 1/5/15: In honour of passing the torch, The Mighty Feklahr wishes to recognize and monumentalize the Filmdrunk comments section culture and lexicon, including the evolution it has made. "the9" took up the torch for the self-described "silver agers" of Filmdrunk commenting:

"With Schnitzel Bob, Verbal, LiebFan and others, we have entered into a silver age of commenting here on Filmdrunk.

Alas, the Golden Age was over whenever Morton Salt died. Chino Moreno and Pauly Peligroso left in their grief and The Mighty Feklahr returned to his home planet. Donkey Hodey recommitted himself to the eradication of wind energy. Stinky Pete hopped aboard his ship bound for ports unknown. Chareth got a job at the mill and was too busy to come around anymore. This all left me, the9, all alone, talentless, humorless, and lacking the ability to make jokes, to tend bar here at Filmdrunk Cantina waiting for the revitalization of my city. Thankfully Patricia Boots and her husband, Stallonewolf, remained to weather the storm for a new generation here at Filmdrunk."

the9, if you or any of the other glorious Filmdrunk commenters wish to make suggestions to update this entry, or use any part of this entry for your own devices, The Mighty Feklahr is at your service. Filmdrunking is VERY important and worthy of taking pride in! Qapla!

*****


Klingon:

Fek'lhr-The One that Speaks Klingon

Dor sho gha!-surpise/excitement (Holy Cow!)

Guy'cha!-like Dor sho gha! but dirtier (Fuck Me Running With Britney Spears' Dick!)

Forshak-shit

yIntagh-one with inadequate intelligence, a dumbass

kotal-a fuckwad

HaDiBah-animal fucker (not necessarily an insult!)

tahQeq-"traitor", perhaps the lowest insult in the Klingon language. Has subtle Romulan insinuations (not good if you are a Klingon concerned with honour)

Duras-the seediest, most cowardly, Romulan-coddling, gah-durchfall-lapping, tahQeq

QiYom-a REALLY bad word. REALLY. BAD. Don't use it unless you mean it.

Gah-slithering worms that are a delicacy to Klingons

Gah Durchfall-slithering diarrhea

Kahless-The Most Honourable of all Klingons!

Grethor-The ship Fek'lhr flies with all of the dishonoured Klingon souls (they mostly jerk each other off and dress as Boy Scouts and/or sodomize one another)

BONG!!!!!!-The sound a ba'Sin makes when struck

ba'Sin-A Klingon instrument similar to a gong, struck when something unfunny and/or shitty happens

The ba'Sin Show-The Klingon equivalent of the Gong Show
Qo'!-Not!
Qovlpath-Motherless cocksucking douchebag hentai lover

QAPLAH!-Success! (This can actually be used in various ways. In Klingon culture it is relevant as a greeting, a parting word, a call to arms, a victory chant, or general drunken nonsense)
nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'-Where is the bathroom?
Hab SoSlI' Quch!-Your mother has a smooth forehead (now that is a BURN)


Friday, January 11, 2008

I was in the newspaper once

One time the student newspaper for the local university interviewed a bunch of kids at my high school in the lawn after school. They were asking "Should gays be allowed int he military?" Keep in mind this was 15 years ago, "Don't ask, don't tell." and all of that.

Now, I live in a really liberal town with a large gay population. In my honest fucking opinion (to this day) I really don't give a shit one way or another about gays in the military. To me it doesn't even fucking matter, for all I care you can make the entire front line gay guys with AIDS and hope the splatter takes out a few enemies in the long term. But really, in my microcosm of an existence, it doesn't fucking matter at all.

So, when the reporter/photographer/student asked me, I said (and was the ONLY one the newspaper reported as saying), "No. I don't think they belong." The greatest thing about it was the instant divide I created in my high school. I either had kids coming up to me cheering and high-fiving, or sneering and whispering, "That's *HIM*, the one that said that shit in the paper..."

This one girl actually confronted me and got all snotty about it how I was a bigot and stuff. The joke was on her, though. I saw her 15 years later smoking while she was pregnant and hauling a 2 gallon jug of cheap wine out of a grocery store. What a bitch!