Monday, November 10, 2008

New Dream-Pregnant Vampire


Editor's note-No one is more surprised than I to see Melissa Midwest mentioned in this blog.

So, I was dreaming that I was in a video game, and that I was about to face a boss fight against a vampiress with 147,000 hitpoints. When I entered the inner sanctum to battle her, I was face to face...with Melissa Midwest (if you don't know who that is, Google an image search for her at work with the family filter turned off).

There she stood, Melissa Midwest. Fanged, ready to fight, and...pregnant? Yes, I was about to do battle with a pregnant vampire Melissa Midwest that had 147,000 hitpoints.

We engage and fight brutally for a while, and after I beat her down to near death, she quickly escapes to an antechamber. I follow her, and she is on a bed in labour pains. Between her hard breathing, she told me the two following stories:

"My birthing will be like the diarrhea that will destroy mankind! I will give birth to unspeakable evil that will grow and thrive and kill all. Within my birthing diarrhea will be the end of civilization as you know it!"

Editor's note (take two)-I put emphasis on the word "diarrhea" because during her speech, pregnant vampire Melissa Midwest seemed to feel it was necessary to accentuate that word in particular.

After her apocalyptic rant, she filled me in on a little medical history:

"Mortal, did you know that even up to the 18th century that French doctors would take a newborn baby and swing it VIOLENTLY by the umbilical cord to get every last nutrient from the mother to the child?"

Fortunately, at this point my cat walked across me and woke me up from this dream.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fek,
After reading some of your posts here and your posts on Filmdrunk I have come to the conclusion that your are one of the most fucked up people on the interwebs.

Anonymous said...

Not that it's a bad thing.

Dirty Hairy said...

Thanks, whoever you are!

Jokerswild said...

Fekkywise, I agree wiff Anomalous that you are a severely fucked up individual.

Way to go, broha!

BTK, is the van ready for the weekend?

Dirty Hairy said...

Erswi-did you want the Mystery Machine or the "classic white rusty with shaded windows"?

Either way, the human hair needs to be vacuumed out...GUY'CHA!