Wednesday, May 21, 2008

There's "drunk", and there's "T-Bone drunk"

Everybody knows at least one asshole that is the stinkiest, smelliest, rottenest drunk they know. This blog entry is dedicated to a human being that has exemplified Alcoholic Achievement in the state of Iowa: T-Bone.

Now, the picture here is not actually of T-Bone, but it may as well be. The actual difference between him and the man depicted are a few baths in the last year and about ten points of BAC.

You all might recall T-Bone from the "Candyland Dumpster Blowjob" story. He was the proud recipient of a hummer from a fat ugly slut in broad daylight 10 feet from the sidewalk next to a dumpster. Now that just screams, "CLASSY!"

T-Bone is always easy to pick out of a crowd, he is the guy with yellow glassy eyes that can barely stand, walks real fast then real slow, pisses himself, and tried to fondle your mother. He has that ominous "drunk slant" to him, like his BAC somehow helps him defy gravity no matter how far he leans to one side.

On no less than one occasion, T-Bone has done the following:
  • Slept on the floor in the back room of a bar.
  • Passed out on the toilet at the bar.
  • Been arrested for public intox AND indecent exposure simultaneously.
  • Caught by his girlfriend screwing a fat ugly whore with a moustache and forced to walk to his friend's house naked to get clothes after she kicked him out.
  • Has several drinks laying about the bar because he orders one, forgets about it (being so plowed), and orders another one and does the same thing.
The point I just cannot under-state is just how stinking fucking drunk he gets. He has literally had EMTs tell him he should be dead from his current BAC. This guy wakes up drunk like that time you had "the night you can't remember from Mardi Gras/New Year's Eve", and waddles his ass down to the tavern to hit it some more.

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