Monday, February 4, 2008

Top Ten...

We all fondly remember Orko from our childhood cartoon, "He-Man". Orko was the friendly and funny little floaty alien thingy that sucked at magic, but knew He-Man's secret. Actually, he probably knew a few secrets about He-man that we just don't even want to think about.

The one amazing aspect of Orko was all of the wild and zany things he could pull from his magic hat! But, what if something were to go tragically wrong during casting? Orko could end up holding an item a child doesn't need to see until they sneak a peek at their old man's pornos when they are 8 years old.

It is in that vein that I offer the following:

The Top Ten Things No One Needs To See Orko Pull Out Of His Magic Hat, Ever

  1. A dead, smelly aborted fetus. (Well, unless he is trying to prove a fucking point like those twisted fucking "Pro-Lifers".)
  2. A rectal thermometer and a jar of Vaseline. (Does Orko even have an ass? How does he shit? How does he get raped?)
  3. Several lengths of rope and a rusty butcher knife. (Presumably to BTK Teela.)
  4. "Lost" on DVD. (Nobody needs to be subjugated to that crap.)
  5. Alien brains and/or assorted innards. (If he were to reach in just a little too far...)
  6. The Dukes of Hazzard (Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse, Cooter, and Daisy). (What were they doing in there???)
  7. Skeletor's Porno Collection. (There just couldn't be anything unharmful to human psyche in there...I have to imagine there is at least one of those breast cancer self-examination pamphlets.)
  8. Raw meat of any kind. (Raw meat is bad enough by itself, but once you get Orko's grungy little hands with alien germs molesting it....ugh!)
  9. Worn panties. (I guess some guys like it. They will buy panties worn by women and do heinous things with them. However, this particular set of panties will look like a parachute that a T-Rex vomited chocolate by the gallon down the back of. Mental image!)
  10. Cringer's severed head. (Hey! All that fucking cat ever does is whine and fucking mope! HE HAD IT COMING!)

1 comment:

Andrew said...

Something tells me you would not want to have him pull his abduction kit. I would not like to ponder how Orko goes about using a magic wand creatively.