Friday, February 1, 2008

Cunt Trumpet

Pete Wentz is a lousy cunt trumpet. It's his fault that we are subjugated to shitty music, Cloverated, and pictures of him with Ashley Simpson. If you don't know who he is, I salute you. However, for those of us unfortunate enough to know of his paltry existence, I offer the following in tribute: Reasons Why It Is Better That That Cunt Trumpet Pete Wentz Wasn't In Flash Gordon (1980) {BTW, if you haven't seen that Flash Gordon movie, you are worse than Pete Wentz. Hell, you are worse than Ann Coulter.}

  • If Pete Wentz did that trial of the venomous tree stump creature thingy from Flash Gordon, he would lose on the first try. That venomous tree stump creature thingy can really hone in on limp wrists wearing CK.
  • If Pete Wentz was a bird-man from Flash Gordon, instead of hawk wings he would have peacock tail.
  • Pete Wentz would have gone into outer space with Dr. Jerkoff Zharkov willingly.
  • If Pete Wentz was riding the Rocket Scooter from Flash Gordon, it would have had those frilly things on the handle bars.
  • Instead of impaling Ming on the end of the spaceship, Pete Wentz would have flown the fucking thing up his own ass.
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, he would have got in a pillow fight with Ming's slutty daughter.
  • If Pete Wentz fought Timothy Dalton on that floaty spikey thing, Tim would have slammed his candy ass on the spikes, but instead of Pete's eyes and tongue oozing out of his head (like Metal Face Guy), cum would start bubbling out of Pete's ass.
  • If Pete Wentz was lowered into that swamp cage with the freaky aliens, he would have said, "Eeeeewwww, grody!"
  • If Pete Wentz would have been on that little plane at the beginning of Flash Gordon with Flash and Dale, he would have tried to suck off Flash, and tell Dale, "I saw him first, bitch!".
  • Pete Wentz did the make-up for them midgets that were dressed in tin foil and on leashes in Flash Gordon.
  • Pete Wentz would have wanted to be the "tight end" when Flash started playing football with the guards.
  • Pete Wentz was the only one in the galaxy that wasn't turned on when Ming used his magic to make Dale dance and move all sultry and slutty.
  • That floating robot sentry thingy would have had to disintegrate the vibrating butt plug Pete Wentz was concealing.
  • If Pete Wentz used that mental telepathy "CB Radio" thingy from Flash Gordon, he would have transmitted how hot he was for Ming to Dale, and followed it up with, "Bitch, puh-leeze!"
  • Flash was very appreciative that Metal Face Guy didn't let Pete Wentz visit him in the dungeon.
  • Ming's slutty daughter was amazed at the number of venereal diseases Pete Wentz had that she didn't. Most of them were from buttfucking, she presumed.
  • Flash would have gone his whole life without knowing what "shmegma" was, if not for Pete Wentz.
  • That leader of the Hawkmen refused to carry Peter Wentz on his back.
  • No matter how hard he tried, Pete Wentz couldn't sneak into Ming's bedroom as "one of his concubines". Those floaty robot sentry thingies can detect teh ghey.
  • Flash once mistaked Pete Wentz for Dale. Of course Pete didn't complain when Flash slipped him the salami.
  • Dr. Zharkov made Pete Wentz turn out the lights when they "did it" because he didn't like Pete's uncut cock.
  • Pete Wentz felt that Queen's music for the movie was a little too hetero.
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, he would have shot down Metal Face Guy with three snaps in a "Z Formation". GINGER SNAP!
  • Pete Wentz helped Dr. Zharkov decode the special formula for making Astroglide.
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, he would have tried using Ming The Merciless' magic ring as a cock ring, but it would just slide off too easily.
  • If Pete Wentz had been in Flash Gordon, Munson would have joked to Pete that is was "no mere coincidence" he was in the episode of Cagney and Lacey titled "Date Rape".
  • If Pete Wentz was in Flash Gordon, we would have been the only one to wear more eye make-up than Max Von Sydow or "Ming's Slutty Daughter".

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