Friday, August 3, 2007

The two tied for first

OK, now the first of two stories tied for first place. Let's try "Byron and Jared". Byron was Rich's roommate! Remember Rich and the pig sucking? Well, we were getting all drunked up and high and started playing truth or dare with some girls. Not a bad time, really, until someone asked if Byron had ever tried anything "gay".

Then we were thrust into the sad and frightening world of closeted homosexuality. Byron recounted a tale of how he became freinds with a guy that worked at the Subway in his hometown, because he went there for lunch so much. Byron and Jared started hanging out, clubbing, doing whatever. One night Jared is closing down the Subway and Byron visits. Keep in mind, this is midnight in a rinky town in Iowa with no one around for miles. For whatever reason, they decide to get all fucking "un-hetero" with each other, and start dryhumping each other on the floor behind the sandwich station with the lights off.

Anyway, Byron decides he wants it in the ass, but being both of them were total virgins, they didn't realize at first they needed lube. After a few unsuccessful pokes, Jared has a bright idea! He fucking grabs the tube of mayo and squirts it on his dick to make an ass sandwich with Byron. You can guess the rest.

Well, about a year (and alcohol suppressed memories) later, I happen to be going through Byron's town, and call him up to go to lunch. Were old buddies right? He says, "Meet me at the pool (where he worked) and we can walk to the restaurant." It doesn't even dawn on me where we are until I am half a bag of chips into my roasted turkey breast combo. Then, as if he could sense I suddenly remembered, Byron says, "See that guy behind the counter? That's Jared."


Now, the last of tied for first place. My brother and I (after I dropped out of college) hung out with the stoner crowd for a while. We gravitated towards guys and gals that liked "Magic:The Gathering" and "Dungeons & Dragons". So anyway, we meet this one nerdy motherfucker called Adam at a D&D clambake. He gets all fucking clingy (he must not have had any friends) and was all like, "Dude, we need to hook up and play Magic! Give me your number so we can get together."

In his inebriated state, my brother acquiesced. We basically forgot about him. Then one night after we scored like a fucking ounce of weed (somehow that litte fucker knew!), Adam calls up and is like, "Dudes, we just have to hang out! PLEEEEASE!" What-ev. Fine, come on over. Bring some booze.

So, we are hanging out, getting fucked up, and playing Magic cards. My brother drops a card on the floor, and when he goes to pick it up, it is difficult to get a grip on (wood floor). While he is fumbling with it, Adam freaks out and says, "Dude, are you picking through shit on the floor! Are there turds on the floor???!!!" My brother says, "No, dude, I dropped my fucking card!" Adam looks suddenly relieved and lets it go at that.

Later, after we finished the last hand, we subtly suggested he should leave for the night. He says, "Duuude...my leg is like asleep...it's like tingling! It kinda hurts, but it kinda feels good, ya know? Kinda like getting fucked up the ass!"

We never bothered to check if he was ok after hitting the street that hard.

1 comment:

Bren Kirk said...

This is the most beautiful poetry I've ever read.