Monday, December 17, 2007

Garlic Cesar Cock Breath

First things first, I know I didn't spell "Caesar" correctly, get off my nuts!

Anywho, my brother was dating this fatty we will call, "Porked Out After My Brother Dumped Her", or "Pumba" for short. Anyway, Pumba was blowing my brother this one night, and her fucking mom calls on her cell. She stops sucking, jacks my brother off in one hand, while talking to her mom on the phone with the other. Her fucking mom asks what they are doing, and she says that they, "Are watching a made for tv movie that is a spinoff of 'Tremors', or something."

Once she gets rid of her mom, Pumba sheds the mumu gets naked to get on top of my brother, and she is face to face with him. But she had this garlic cesar steak thing for supper, and it gave her garlic cesar cock breath. My brother could barely fucking breathe, and it was so bad he couldn't barely cum. He dumped her shortly after that.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Fucked up asswipes that help ruin my childhood

Throughout my life, I have been confronted with a lot of douchebags. I met a lot of these douchebags when I was young, and it might explain why I am the way I am (pornogrphically violent...I mean imaginative). I am not going to name names (even though some of them deserve it), but I am going to go through and tell about the fuckheads that help contribute to the shittiness of my childhood. Oh, and if anyone out there recognizes themselves in this post, please let me say, "Fuck you to the fullest, you shit eating retard."

I suppose I should start with the freaky pedophile I met at about the age of 6. He never actually tried anything with me (I was too old for his tastes), but he used to sing these creepy pedo-songs to children. I can only remember a little bit of one, but it was something like, "In a house....lives Mickey Mouse...and Donald Duck?...He drives a truck!" Yeah, fucked up.

Let's see, then there are the two lesbians and their daughter. They would get me high and basically lock me in the room with their daughter, and then she would try to get me to go down on her. Yeah, I was like 7.

There was the babysitter that showed me a porno.

Then there was the babysitter that asked if I knew what a vagina was. Where did my parents find these fucking babysitters?

Oh yeah, there was like this creepy old woman who was the mother of my dad's friend. She used to smoke while she had her oxygen tank on. That used to freak me out.

There were some fucked up kids in school. This one asswipe used to lie about everything and anything. There were fucked up retards, too. One of them was in my homeroom in junior high and used to rub his crotch in class all the time. Then there was that poor fucker in grade school. He kinda looked like that "Mask" dude. Oh, and he tried to hug me once, it was frightening. Then there was the kid that had an invisible friend that sat in the corner of the sandbox. If you tried to play there, he would fucking spaz. His only friend was this fat kid that liked My Little Pony.

Then there was that old fucking dinosaur of a bitch I had for PE in grade school. She was old and yelled a lot. Her hair and teeth had that same shade of yellow over silver...fucked up.

Then there was the fucking student teacher that tried to get me interested in books at the library (I was with the "advanced kids group"). She thought that just because I wasn't interested in any of the books at our fucking tiny school library, that the reading must be too hard for me. So she got me this fucking frog and toad book and read it to me. Stupid fucking cunt. Maybe if she would have read me a Hustler and let me feel her up she would have got the desired response out of me.

Then there was the fucking asshole dicklicker student councilor in junior high that told me i would never graduate high school with my poor attitude. I only made the deans list in high school 9 times. That guy was a childfucker, you could just tell.

There are more, but that is all I feel like writing about right now.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Guest Commentary by The Mighty Fek'lhr

QaPlah! The Mighty Fek'lhr would recount a tale of a spineless yIntagh to all of you cowering pieces of forshak. You see, He was not always known as The Mighty Fek'lhr, He was once a young man in high school named Matthias.

In high school, Matthias knew of a young derelict with inferior mental capacity. Not wanting to name names, He will refer to him as Duras. Duras was the same age as Matthias, but severely lacked the mental capacity of a toddler (let alone a high school student). In fact, this groveling, sniveling baktag was so stupid, that once during 9th grade science he saw fit to stick a FORK in the electrical outlet, shorting out the line to the classroom. Needless to say, Duras had ruined the microscope experiment for the entire class, including Matthias.

Now, the thing that really perplexed Matthias was Duras' incessant and persistent name calling. Duras seemed obsessed to find a mocking anecdote about Matthias that rhymed with his name. What Duras eventually arrived at was "My thigh hurts". Yes. "My thigh hurts." was the absolutely ineffective taunt that this raving yIntagh would hurl at Matthias in class.

How does one respond to that? The universe may never know.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Candyland dumpster blowjob

The story in and of itself is not that itneresting. This guy got a blow job from this woman out by the dumpster in the parking lot of a bar. What you have to understand is the setting and the people involved.

This is where I introduce all of you to, Candyland. It is a shining beacon of hope to alcoholism, complete with gravel parking lot and cockroach infestation, Candyland sits nicely by the railroad tracks just a hop skip and a jump away from the two porno houses in town, and the crisis center (can anyone say, clean needle exchange?).

Candyland is a filty, dingy, and disgusting excuse for a "hole in the wall" tavern. The manager, Candy (how ironic!) sells cigarettes under the table illegally and has a hell of a time keeping the homeless people out of the bathrooms to shoot up heroin. At Candyland, fine upstanding gentlemen can be found, like T-Bone, Willy the Toothless Drunk, and Cornbread (until his untimely demise at the ripe old age of 58...something about liver failure).

Candy herself is the fattest, ugliest, upper-lip hairiest whore in Iowa, which is truly a monumental achivement. Her trick is to get men drunk and have them worship her beauty.

T-Bone is a lousy drunk that lived on the floor in the back room in Candyland for a while when his girlfriend kicked him out. She came home and caught him in bed with Candy, and literally tossed his drunk ass to the curb. He was arrested for indecent exposure because she wouldn't give him any clothes, so he walked to a friends house. T-Bone is often so drunk, he can barely stand or speak. In fact, if you imagine the most pathetic alcoholic you can picture in your mind (other than me), T-Bone would be his pedophile uncle.

On the day in question, T-Bone got drunk off his ass and Candy decided to reward him with a hummer. He stumbled out to the parking lot, waddled over to the dumpster, and dropped his pants. Candy kneeled on the gravel and went to it. All of this in broad daylight during lunch hour. The special was inch long hot dogs.

Friday, August 24, 2007

New weird dream-"Sentient Light"

So it starts by me having a first person perspective of a man holding a camera. I cannot tell if I am myself or someone else. I am in a hotel looking around at people and notice Kevin Bacon. I run over to him and ask for a picture, but he gets angry as the bulb flashes and starts to run away. As he runs away, I notice his eyes are turning a bright and glowing red.

I chase after him, I sense he is something other than human. I keep taking pictures of him as I chase him through endless corridors. With each snap, be becomes more monstrous; his hair grows long and turns white, his teeth change to ugly yellow fangs, and his skin pales.

We are running and go through a door that leads to a parking lot. Kevin Bacon/Monster gets in the passenger side front seat of a large station wagon. I get in behind him to question him. I look in the rearview mirror and notice that I am, in fact, not "myself", but Will Smith.

Before I have a chance to say anything, Kevin Bacon utters, "I see that you have had an affair as well, Mr. Smith...", and as he says it a large yellow flash emenates from him. When my sight clears, Kevin Bacon has turned into Tom Cruise (and he isn't monstrous at all any more). Tom Cruise is looking at me and laughing as yellow lights start to encompass my body, seemingly possessing me with the "monster that looks like Kevin Bacon".

However, just as I am starting to transform, a dwarf-like green alien jumps up from the back of the station wagon and starts stabbing me with an odd dagger. It doesn't harm me, but with each stab, more of the alien light comes out, and Tom Cruise starts to get stab wounds all over him.

Suddenly, Tom Cruise shrivels up like empty skin and dies. The light forms a man shaped ghost floating above the dwarf-like alien and myself. It is writing in agony and screaming "NOOOO!!! How could you???", and it bursts into tiny flames and disappears.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I have strange fucking dreams

I thought I wuold chronicle a few of the strange dreams I have had before. They are just abnormal.

"Tornado and Little Bunnies"

I had this really weird fucking dream last night. In it, I was sleeping in a bed near a window in a trailer park, and these black tornadoes kept going between the trailers. It was kind of cool to watch, but a little frightening.

Then I noticed these "little people" that were dressed up like brown rabbits (sorry, no yiffing!), and they were absolutely terrified of the tornadoes and were trying to get away from them.

Two of the little people made a break for it to hide in some nearby trees, but they hadn't even got half way when one of the ornadoes suddenly switched directions and were on them like white on rice. The black tornado picked them both up and disintegrated them in a flash of light.

This makes the remaining few little people bunnies panic and they disperse, all running in a different direction. Eventually the tornadoes get all of them.

Oddly enough, one of the little people bunnies looked like Sean Preston Federline/Spears. WTF?
"The Pee Dream"

I had this one when I was about 25. There was a single mom throwing a birthday party for one of her children. Originally, I was there to help with an issue of toys melting on their kitchen table, but after being there a while, they invited me to sit on the couch and take it easy.

The house was very odd. Almost everything was a dark mustard or yellowish-brown color. As I was sitting on the sofa, one of the children hands me a small funnel-type device and asks me to urinate in it. I inspect the device and notice that is has a small hose that runs from it to the wall. The hose is near a window and I look outside.

Outside of the house, many of these tubes come together and empty into a small swimming pool that children are playing in. It would be like regular pool play, but instead of water, it is urine, and the kids are singing this song:

It's pee, it's pee, it's pee
It's wonderful pee
It's pee, it's pee
It's glorious pee
It's pee, it's pee
We all like the pee
It's pee, it's pee (repeat)

Having them ask me to add my pee to their play was supposed to be a privilege, but I couldn't go, so I left.
"Menstrual Monster"

I am in a hotel room with a young and beautiful anonymous woman. We are instantly attracted to each other, and start getting touchy feely and undressing. She confesses that she is having her period, but would still very much like to make love to me. I tell her that it is no problem, and that I will get some towels and wet a washcloth fromt he bathroom.

When I come back to the bedroom, she is laying on the bed nude and seemingly unconscious. She looks very pale, and there is a large pool of blood on the floor forming, trickling from between her legs.

I am worried and rush over to her, but a tentacle like object made from the blood on the floor shoots up and grabs my leg. Soon there are many of these menstrual tentacles trying to overpower me.

The woman stands up, her eyes have turned red and she is holding a very big dagger. She lunges at me to kill me, but I punch her as she is coming in and she explodes into blood and empty skin, and all of the tentacles "die" and return to liquid form.
"George Washington Muppet"

I am a young boy in a large, castle like building. Two man-like muppets approach me, one resembles George Washington, the other a Jack from a deck of cards. Washington motions to Jack to grab me, so I run off and head up a flight of very large stairs. Jack is grabbing at my foot, making me crawl up the stairs and barely able to get away.

As Jack gets closer, I kick him in one of his large eyes, and he collapses dead. I am shocked, and before I know it, Washington is upon me and grabs my arm.

He leads me outside where there are many young girls (age 5-8) are playing, swimming, and otherwise having fun. Washington never speaks, but his motion to me implies that I am to choose one as a mate. Many of the girls start looking at me, trying to make pretty faces so I would choose them. I never chose.

Monday, August 13, 2007

I fucking hate bitches

If you don't know who Stephen Belafonte is, I commend you. he is a wortless pile of steaming cunt. He likes to hit girls and throw bricks at ducks. I imagined what it would be like if he met Arnold Schwarzenegger, and came up with this:

Friday, August 10, 2007

PC Safety

Since this issue has come up an inordiante amount of times for me recently, I thought I would share some solid tips, tricks, and tools for keeping your PC safe, clean, and happy.

Get and run Spybot-Search and Destroy. Free to download and easy to use.

Spybot Link

Get and Run AdAware. Free to download and easy to use.

Adaware Link

Browse with Firefox instead of IE. Free to download and easy to use.

FireFox Link

Run a free online "Panda-Scan" for viruses.

Panda Scan Link

Recommended add-ons for Firefox:
Adblock Link
Flashblock Link

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I won an award!

My fanfic, "Cheetos Dust", won the prestigious "Internet Writers" award for Best of 2007! I will include the story and the award below:

Cheetos Dust 1

A short while ago, in a sloppy, dilapidated trailer park far, far away (Canada) there lived a stinky, tubby, vicious little club foot retard called Slammin' Sammy. She was a pathetic little creature whose only creative outlet was poorly written Fan Fictions about WWE wrestlers and people she knows on the internet (whether she likes them or not).

She would spend her days groveling in her Pop-Tart and Cheetos filth of a trailer, endlessly writing away her inane stories to the applause of her single-cell brained audience. The only time she went out is when rescue workers cut out a wall to bathe her with a fire hose (and restock her beer-battered bacon-wrapped Twinkies).

Then one day the most spectacular thing happened! During one of her narcotics induced delusional fits, The Undertaker, Paul Bearer, and Darth Vader all appeared from the forest! Undertaker was dressed as Kermit the Frog, Paul as Kool Aid Man, and Darth Vader as Mickey Mouse! This is what happened…

"Oh my gawly I can't believe what I'm seeing. *snort snort* Its all of my idols!!!! LOL!"

"Dear Lord, woman, when is the last time someone took down a wall and hosed you off, this is disgusting"

"Oooooohhhh yyyyeeeesssssssss!"

"I should use my lightsaber to trim some fat off this hog."


"Where's Snow White?"

"You mean the other pointless character that gets mentioned in erstwhile dialogue just so I can say he or she was included in my story?"


"She took Dopey and Slimy to the WWE event."

"Who did?"

"*drool* Slow down guys! I cain't tell which one-of-yas is talking!", said Slammin' Sammy deliriously.

"What does it matter, FanFic dialogue is always like this!"

After the men got done being horrified at Slammin' Sammy's squalor and finished verbally berating her, Darth Vader used the dark side of the force to break all of her fingers beyond repair, so the world would be spared her ramblings online. The Undertaker took her 28.8K modem and covered it with Lime Jello, guaranteeing that Slammin' Sammy would wolf it down and forever rid us of her existence on the internet.

Oh, yeah, Slammin' Sammy is an orphan that was actually prematurely born with scorpion DNA that made her telepathic and made her prone to sexual assault by professional wrestlers (drunk hillbillies from the trailer park).

Cheetos Dust 2

After the departure of not only Kermitaker, Paul-Aid Man, and Mickey Vader, but of her dignity and ability to foul up the internet with her drivel, Slammin' Sammy decided there was only one thing she could do: Use a magic spell to give her cybernetic hands that act as online keyboards! That way her writing productivity could expand exponentially (to 15 WPM).

She hollered to the trailer next door, "Mary Jane! Quit slurping down that gawl-dang spaghetti and light some black candles fer me!"

As Mary Jane came in the room, her heightened munchies-senses detected Lime Jello and she quickly gobbled down Slammin' Sammy's 28.8k modem.

"Mmmm…that was dee-lishus!"

"Ya gawl darm idjit! Ya just got done eating mah brand new modem!!! I'ma gonna hafta use mah old 14.4! Dang you, Mary Jane!"

"I'm sorry, Sammy…please don't cast any spells on me! It will really freak me out, man."

"Just shuddup and light mah black candles…I'ma gonna summon an ancient and evil Pagan Demon…TWINKIE THE KID!"

After an intense and complicated summoning session, Twinkie the Kid appeared and gave Slammin' Sammy everything she wanted. I could go into more detail about interesting occult rituals here, but why bother?

"Awl-right, Mary Jane! With mah new robot-hand-thingies, we can take over the dang internets…one fanfic board atta time! *cough cough* Dang, Mary Jane! That shit is skunky!"


Cheetos Dust 3

After they opened the cracked, stained windows of the archaic trailer to let the smoke out, Slammin' Sammy and Mary Jane started their plot for revenge on the internet. During the summoning ritual, Twinkie the Kid had revealed that all of Slammin' Sammy's life difficulties and hardships were due to an elite group of internet hackers, the Alienz.

Much good could be written of the Alienz, but to summarize, it consisted of highly intelligent, respected, and inordinately sexually appealing members of the online Creature of the Night community. Their leader was a handsome and daring young man by the name of "The Dynamic Drom". His two trusted lieutenants were "The X-hilirating Xenodrake" and "Charismatic Kankie". Together, they ruled justly and fair over all Creatures of the Night online. One might say they were even the most respected non-Nobel Prize winning philanthropists in the entire world. Gandhi actually resurrected himself just so he could give Drom a high-five.

Now, what could the Alienz have possibly done to draw the ire of the feared and gruesome Twinkie the Kid? Basically, they realized that Twinkies are fucking disgusting and stopped eating them. Luckily for Twinkie the Kid, Slammin' Sammy and Mary Jane eat enough Twinkies to save a rain forest each time they get stoned. That's a lot of Twinkies, folks.

So, as Sammy and Mary Jane schemed, they had a revelation so profound that it was difficult for this author to put into writing:

"Hey, Sammy, what if, like, we became virtual reality and, like, totally went inside the computer, man?"

"Well, shiver mah timbers, Mary Jane! Mebbe ah kin use mah NEW robot-hand-thingies ta do JUST THAT! Aw-HEE! *snort*"

"Far out, man!"

"Let's hook up muh 14.4k modem, and unlock t3h p0w3r 0f t3h 1nt3rn3t5!!!11! LOL!"

Fourteen hours, 20 joints, and a metric ton of Cheetos later, Slammin Sammy's highly advanced computer configuration finally loaded It was time for them to begin their onslaught of cellulitic vengeance on the Alienz!

"Aw, dang, Mary Jane! Ah thought of the perfect thing. Ah will go to their gum darn message board and tell them it's their fault that ah'm a fat little worthless retard locked up in a meager existence in a trashy, run-down trailer park in "Middleofnowheresville", Fucking Canada, and that I am not to blame for my 800/600 blood pressure, my seventy five chins, or the fact I have to put toilet paper on the end of a meter stick just to wipe my ass. THE ALIENZ ARE TO BLAME!"

"Whoa,, what was that again?" *cough*

Later, on the best message board that ever existed...

"Egads, good Creatures! What is this?", exclaimed the hearty and robust voice of the extremely virile Drom.

"Good Lord, man, it appears that some meandering ne'r-do-well has besmirched our fine community board!", replied the living persona of class and dignity that is called Xenodrake.

"There is only one solution to such tomfoolery by ninny-hammers!", unquestioned in her beauty and graciousness, Kankie retorted.

The three Alienz winked at each other and knew what had to be done. Drom raced at lightning speeds to the Batmobile! Xenodrake moved at all haste to the Batcycle! Kankie traversed beyond comprehensible velocity to the Batpickup!

All at once, "Head 'em up and move 'em out, Alienz!"

Within moments the Alienz had accelerated from their underground hideout and had made way to the Canadian border. The Alienz had no momentum stop at the border, seeing as they had saved Bret "The Hitman" Hart from drowning once, and were named Canadian National Heroes and given the Key to the Country.

It was shortly before midnight when they all throttled down to a mild roar. The full moon was shining high above the trees, and starlight outlined a grimy, cesspool of a trailer park. The Alienz had arrived.

"Please be careful in there, m'ladies. We know not what manner of brute or ruffian lies within!", pleaded Drom.

"A touching thought, Drom, but please never worry about 'The Ladies'. We always come prepared.", interjected Kankie.

"Oh?", puzzled Drom.

"We brought flamethrowers. And guns. And plastique explosives.", Xenodrake clarified.
It was at this point our brave heroes entered the foul region of "Gravel Ridge Heights Manufactured Housing Community". It was dark, dank, and disgusting. Empty bottles of Molson were littered about the cigarette butts and spare truck parts in the lawns. Luckily, Slammin' Sammy's house was easy enough to find. All the Alienz had to do was follow the stench of cheap ass fucking ditch weed those posers smoked.

"*snort snort* HAW HAW! We defaced they-ar message board, and dere ain't a gum gawly dum darn thing they cain't do 'bout it!"

"Yeah, man...groovy!"

It was at this point, the Alienz made a moral decision. Using their profound intellect, they determined there was no punishment they could inflict, justified or otherwise, that could possibly be as horrible and wretched as leaving Slammin' Sammy the way she was.

However, they hadn't driven all the fucking way to Canada with pounds and pounds of sem-tex just to turn the other cheek, so they did the next best thing:

They blew up the Hostess Outlet Store, and all of the beer-battered-bacon-wrapped-Twinkies contained therein. The Alienz had a good laugh about it on the way home, and celebrated in the Honeycomb Hideout with a fat blunt of grade-A fucking Hydro.

Ben Affleck Yiff fic in it's entirety

Ben Affleck made sure no one else was around as he slid softly into his poodle costume. Now Ben would cease to exist, and "Velvet" would come alive! He felt so free...if only he had that special someone to mount him, grab him by the haunches, and hump him into submission...

In the apartment next door, Andre stripped down bare before labouring into his hulking Sasquatch outfit. He truly flt alive and unafraid as "Badmuthafucker the Sasquatch", if only there was someone to share his love with...

All of the sudden, Velvet heard the groan of a mighty beast! He was scared and curious at the same time. He cautiously opened his door part way, only to be stunned by what he saw:

Badmuthafucker looked over to the poodle, "Hey! What's your name? Wanna yiff?"

"Oh, I am Velvet!", Ben said in his best girly voice, "I would love to yiff!"

Badmuthafucker smelled Velvet's ass, then pissed on her leg.

"There, I marked you. You belong to me now!" ZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIP!

Velvet wagged her tail with excitement! She had been marked, and now she was going to be mounted for the yiffing of the fucking millenium.

"Be gentle, Badmuthafucker, it's my first yiff!"

"Fuck, Velvet, no problem!", Badmuthafucker replied as he whipped out his massive man member.



"There, Velvet! That ought ta be enough loogie ta get it in!"

"Yip yip yip! I can't wait, daddy...I mean Uncle...I mean Badmuthafucker!"

Andre fucking donkey punches Velvet, but because he is so manly, it tears Ben Afflecks fucking head off, so he fucks the neck stump until he cums, and puts fucking Velvet's head on a pike because it's fucking worthless.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Online porno=bad

OK, well the gayest porno experience I ever had (it was on the internet, go figure!) was this time where I was at a site that had a bunch of anal sex links. Most of the links were "Girl gets rammed from behind", "See her get it up the ass". One said, "Barebacks cum in the ass", and I was like, "Cool! Bitches getting ass cream pied!"
Well, I go to this link, and my reflexes were just slow enough that the shock set in. I was helpless before "Lt. Dan" and his army of 16 year old boys, buck nekkid and getting fucked in the ass by this guy 3 times their age.
Needless to say, I didn't scroll down...even out of morbid curiousity.

Friday, August 3, 2007

3rd and 4th place

I was in college, and we (my friends and I) were getting all drunked up and high on a Friday night. We knew this freshman Rich who was trying to get into a frat. Anyway, we are all messed up and the movie "Babe" comes on. At some point Rich says, "Did you guys know that baby pigs don't have teeth?", then he just sort of shut up about it, and we didn't pay him no mind.

Well, then Saturday night, we were getting all drunked up and high, and Rich walks in the dorm room looking like he is about to pass out. He sits down, drunker than a skunk, and syas, "Have you guys ever seen a pig suck a guy's dick?"

We said "No.", and he passed out. Later that night he and his roommate were caught..."dual wielding". Fucked up.


I never knew what a circle jerk was, but then one day these friends of my little brother were telling me how they were all over at this kids house playing Playstation, and then they started using each other's "joysticks".

I went home and beat the fucking gay out of my brother.

The two tied for first

OK, now the first of two stories tied for first place. Let's try "Byron and Jared". Byron was Rich's roommate! Remember Rich and the pig sucking? Well, we were getting all drunked up and high and started playing truth or dare with some girls. Not a bad time, really, until someone asked if Byron had ever tried anything "gay".

Then we were thrust into the sad and frightening world of closeted homosexuality. Byron recounted a tale of how he became freinds with a guy that worked at the Subway in his hometown, because he went there for lunch so much. Byron and Jared started hanging out, clubbing, doing whatever. One night Jared is closing down the Subway and Byron visits. Keep in mind, this is midnight in a rinky town in Iowa with no one around for miles. For whatever reason, they decide to get all fucking "un-hetero" with each other, and start dryhumping each other on the floor behind the sandwich station with the lights off.

Anyway, Byron decides he wants it in the ass, but being both of them were total virgins, they didn't realize at first they needed lube. After a few unsuccessful pokes, Jared has a bright idea! He fucking grabs the tube of mayo and squirts it on his dick to make an ass sandwich with Byron. You can guess the rest.

Well, about a year (and alcohol suppressed memories) later, I happen to be going through Byron's town, and call him up to go to lunch. Were old buddies right? He says, "Meet me at the pool (where he worked) and we can walk to the restaurant." It doesn't even dawn on me where we are until I am half a bag of chips into my roasted turkey breast combo. Then, as if he could sense I suddenly remembered, Byron says, "See that guy behind the counter? That's Jared."

Now, the last of tied for first place. My brother and I (after I dropped out of college) hung out with the stoner crowd for a while. We gravitated towards guys and gals that liked "Magic:The Gathering" and "Dungeons & Dragons". So anyway, we meet this one nerdy motherfucker called Adam at a D&D clambake. He gets all fucking clingy (he must not have had any friends) and was all like, "Dude, we need to hook up and play Magic! Give me your number so we can get together."

In his inebriated state, my brother acquiesced. We basically forgot about him. Then one night after we scored like a fucking ounce of weed (somehow that litte fucker knew!), Adam calls up and is like, "Dudes, we just have to hang out! PLEEEEASE!" What-ev. Fine, come on over. Bring some booze.

So, we are hanging out, getting fucked up, and playing Magic cards. My brother drops a card on the floor, and when he goes to pick it up, it is difficult to get a grip on (wood floor). While he is fumbling with it, Adam freaks out and says, "Dude, are you picking through shit on the floor! Are there turds on the floor???!!!" My brother says, "No, dude, I dropped my fucking card!" Adam looks suddenly relieved and lets it go at that.

Later, after we finished the last hand, we subtly suggested he should leave for the night. He says, " leg is like's like tingling! It kinda hurts, but it kinda feels good, ya know? Kinda like getting fucked up the ass!"

We never bothered to check if he was ok after hitting the street that hard.